Page 3 | Wedding ring

Bibble69 · 2021-11-17T13:31:43+00:00

Hi, Longtime lurker here. After 33 years together my wife passed away in February after a short battle with cancer, after beating Covid. We'd been together since we were 18 and married for 24 years. We didn't quite make our silver wedding anniversary. I think I'l ready to start dating, as I feel I'm in a good place now. However I'm not ready to take off my wedding ring. So I guess my question to you lovely ladies is, how would you feel dating a man who is still wearing a wedding ring?? Thank you

Chasingsquirrels · 17/11/2021 21:43

I posted some of my history above.
I started thinking about dating in a similar timescale OP.
DH died mid-March 2016 when I was nearly 45 and I was looking on OLD sites by about Christmas. I had a profile in order to look but it wasn't populated oth any details at all and I had no intention of messaging or replying to messages. I was in effect window shopping.
I populated my profile in the early spring 2017 and chatted to a handful of men, then one of them asked me to meet in May, so it was 14 months after DH died.
I was in no way over him. I'm not over him now 4.5 years later and to be honest I don't ever expect to be so. I love him and always will do, but while he is part of my history the physical him can no longer be part of my present.
I planned to just go on a few dates, have some fun, nothing serious.
I met up with the man mentioned above and just clicked.
I had a hard time emotionally in dealing with the reality of a new relationship, reconciling that with the love I still have for my DH, accepting that any new relationship brings with it the potential for massive hurt (all relationships eventually end, even if that's as a result of death, and the thought of dealing with that pain again was terrifying), and I suspect many men would have run a mile. DP didn't, and I'm very glad about that.

At around the same time as I started seeing DP I also started other things which took me back out into the world. We'd got a puppy before Christmas and I then started agility classes with him, I joined a bridge club and started learning that.

Dating IS bloody scary, and a bad relationship isn't worth having. But a good one is fantastic.

Just keep going, continue with any hobbies you have, expand them and maybe take up new ones. Try dating if you want to. Okay some women might be put off by you wearing your ring, others won't. Some might be put off by it being less than a year, others won't. And time passes, in a few months it won't be less than a year.

Good luck.

SunflowerTed · 17/11/2021 22:47

@Aderyn21

I do judge. I can’t be apologetic about that. My grandad did it when my nan was barely cold and I do think it’s horrible. I also think it’s not healthy - if a person truly is over the death of their wife, such that they can happily date again and move in, then I don’t think I’m the horrible one. And if they aren’t, then a new relationship won’t work out. Wives aren’t interchangeable - being happy with one doesn’t mean that this can be easily replicated. I’d at least see the year out. I consider it really disrespectful to date at this time.

Nobody can judge until they have been in this situation not even somebody as judgemental and narrow minded as you

SunflowerTed · 17/11/2021 22:50

@poorpaws

My DP was very happily married for a long time until his wife sadly died and he always wore his wedding ring.

I met him a few months after her death by chance (dog walking). We enjoyed chatting when we saw each other. Eventually we walked the dogs together daily for some years (3 I think). We then realised there was something special between us (unplanned) and saw each other more. After another 2 years we got engaged and he offered to take his wedding ring off but it was me who insisted he shouldn’t. He placed it on his right hand and wore my ring on his left and he still does.

I wanted him to keep the close memories of his wife and happy marriage and I hope he never takes either ring off. His wife was a massive part of his life and a lovely person I hear. Why would I want to exclude her. We are now very happy and I am a massive part of his life.

I wouldn’t mind your wedding ring at all OP and I go with DP to where his wife’s ashes were spread on her birthday and at Christmas. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

Gorgeous - no wonder he loves you so much xx

Hen2018 · 17/11/2021 23:14

I’m sorry for your loss.

The ring wouldn’t worry me personally.

I do think it takes me about 2 years to really get over the end of a relationship (i.e splitting up with someone) so I’m afraid I wouldn’t go out with someone who had been bereaved so very recently.

Ariela · 17/11/2021 23:18

@samesign

Sorry for your loss but to answer your question no I wouldn't date a man that wasn't quite ready to take off his wedding band, depending what your looking for, casual dating the woman might not mind if it's not something serious she was looking for.

I think differently on this, but maybe you've not experienced the same. Loosing a partner to death is not the same as splitting up (because the relationship has fallen apart) . It's not by choice/actions.

My Dad dated eventually after my mum died. He explained that new lady (lets call her Julia) was never and would never replace my mother but was a lucky addition to his life and he loved her too but it was a different relationship, for example, Julia would never be mother to the 4 of us. I quite understand he counted himself lucky to have 2 great loves in his life. And Julia was lovely, fortunately.

Viviennemary · 17/11/2021 23:19

I wouldn't like it.

ParkheadParadise · 17/11/2021 23:35

MeetMeAtOurSpot

ParkheadParadise

I'm confused
The OP asks about thoughts on a man wearing a wedding ring?
I thought the OP was female, so why would you care about a man wearing a wedding ring.
I'm more confused and I don't know what I'm confused about.😂😄😂

The OP it says he lost his wife. It is a man posting.
Really, OP said I lost my wife. OP posted on another thread a picture of their pedicure.🤔🤔

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 17/11/2021 23:41

The ring is symbolic, it means never ending love, so for me to see someone still wearing a symbol of never ending love for someone else would mean they aren’t for me. I know it’s different to getting divorced, nobody chooses for their spouse to die.

Why on earth would a widow or widower not always love the person they loved who sadly has died? Of course their love is never ending.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 17/11/2021 23:42

And yes, it’s completely different to getting divorced.

PermanentTemporary · 17/11/2021 23:44

I lost my dh suddenly and took my wedding ring off very soon as I didn't feel married any more. I googled it at the time as I did feel uncomfortable doing it but according to the Internet there's no fixed rules about it.

I dated very casually from about a year after my dh died, and more seriously from about 3 years after. I'm afraid that meant I do assume that any man wearing a wedding ring is still married.

If you want to wear it, do. I do think that you need to be entirely yourself when dating, which is different from exposing everything on the first few dates! I hope you enjoy yourself.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 17/11/2021 23:50

I messed up my quoting there a little bit and accidentally added a full stop...sorry about that.

theworldsastage · 17/11/2021 23:52

I think if you're not ready to take the ring off, you're not as ready to date as you think.

I wouldn't date a man wearing a ring, even if I knew for sure he was widowed. It would send the message to me that you weren't over your wife, and I'd be second best. After 33 years, it would be hard work to hold a candle to her, but the ring would make that point all the more obvious.

Given she was a part of your life for so long, I'd expect her to be a part of your stories, and to be in your photos, but the ring would be just too much.

Really sorry for your loss.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 17/11/2021 23:59

Yes @Bibble69 I am sorry for your loss.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/11/2021 00:02

(I seem to be so distracted tonight, that’s the 2nd time I’ve not said it when I’ve meant to and thought I had. It must be so awfully difficult. )

Alexandria94 · 18/11/2021 00:58

@Interrobanger

I don't really understand how you're not ready to take the ring off but you are ready to have sex with someone else.

The two things don't really square for me. Doesn't keeping the ring on mean you still feel 'married' in your head? I wouldn't like that myself if I was looking for a partner.

This.

I wouldn't date a man in your situation- 9 months after a 33 year relationship had sadly ended. I would totally understand you still wearing your ring and not being able to take it off yet as I feel that would be normal after 33 years together, and by the same token I would feel you would not be ready to be in another committed relationship so soon.

Maybe you are just looking for a sexual relationship, but I wouldn't look to a recently widowed man still wearing a wedding ring for that either. However, it sounds like there may be plenty of women out there who may be happy with either committed or casual in your circumstances, so good luck if you do decide to go ahead with dating. I hope you find happiness.

me4real · 18/11/2021 01:25

If someone saw a man wearing a wedding ring they would assume his wife is still alive and living with him.

@Bibble69 You could try wearing your ring on a chain round your neck- maybe think of it as you're not wearing a necklace, you're just wearing your ring in a different way, with all the value it has to you.

hazelgrey · 18/11/2021 06:46

I'm slightly confused , OP has alluded to being a man and yet another post features a female pair of feet in a pedicure thread

Makes no difference in some ways - grief is grief no matter sexuality

Sorry for your loss

ikeptgoing · 18/11/2021 20:24

@poorpaws

My DP was very happily married for a long time until his wife sadly died and he always wore his wedding ring.

I met him a few months after her death by chance (dog walking). We enjoyed chatting when we saw each other. Eventually we walked the dogs together daily for some years (3 I think). We then realised there was something special between us (unplanned) and saw each other more. After another 2 years we got engaged and he offered to take his wedding ring off but it was me who insisted he shouldn’t. He placed it on his right hand and wore my ring on his left and he still does.

I wanted him to keep the close memories of his wife and happy marriage and I hope he never takes either ring off. His wife was a massive part of his life and a lovely person I hear. Why would I want to exclude her. We are now very happy and I am a massive part of his life.

I wouldn’t mind your wedding ring at all OP and I go with DP to where his wife’s ashes were spread on her birthday and at Christmas. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

I would think same as pawpaws Your late wife and wedding ring is understandably really important to you, I doubt your make a secret of how big a part of your life she was and I'd see it still wearing it as being respectful. I wouldn't think 'oh he hasn't moved on'' bc reaally? It isn't a competition between your lovely late wife and who you date next. At some point you might choose to move it over to your right hand but still keep it. It's a lovely idea that you mentioned in a later post, that you want to pass it on to your shared daughter when she wants to get married (if she wants it) I think of a new partner in a relationship gets antsy about it, then maybe they don't understand as they haven't listened when you've talked.

ikeptgoing · 18/11/2021 20:29

I also disagree with PPs that still wearing wedding ring after a 33 year relationship means you only want casual sexual relationships after then. I'd see it as being respectful but it depends on how you approached new relationship. So if you treated new partner as expendable and just for sex then that would suggest you weren't interested really

If you treated new partner respectfully and were involved with her and building a solid relationship, then wearing your wedding ring from your late wife is just part of your history and who you are.
(It'll get moved at some point when you feel ready. Or given to your DD. No hurry)