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Original poster

Wedding ring

69 replies

Bibble69 · 17/11/2021 13:31

Hi,

Longtime lurker here.

After 33 years together my wife passed away in February after a short battle with cancer, after beating Covid. We'd been together since we were 18 and married for 24 years. We didn't quite make our silver wedding anniversary.

I think I'l ready to start dating, as I feel I'm in a good place now. However I'm not ready to take off my wedding ring.

So I guess my question to you lovely ladies is, how would you feel dating a man who is still wearing a wedding ring??

Thank you

OP posts:
Sakurami · 17/11/2021 17:50

Hi op. Not only would it not bother me, I would respect you for it. I would be wary that you weren't ready as it was only 8 months ago though.

@Aderyn21 there is no magic number. You should be happy for your grandad instead of worrying about him being lonely. Having your spouse die brings home how fleeting life is and how one must enjoy it. It doesn't take anything away from the love they had and still have.

RaisedByPangolins · 17/11/2021 17:56

@Wishimaywishimight

I would think that a person who is not ready to remove their wedding ring is not ready to date. So no i would not date you.
Sadly I agree with this. The ring is symbolic, it means never ending love, so for me to see someone still wearing a symbol of never ending love for someone else would mean they aren’t for me. I know it’s different to getting divorced, nobody chooses for their spouse to die, but then often times both parents don’t want to divorce either, and we wouldn’t suggest that a woman who’s husband ran off with another women should keep her ring on to show that she will always love him and didn’t choose to split with him.

OP I’m sorry for your loss, and I totally understand the drive to try and move on to find happiness again. I just think you might miss out on someone great purely because the ring gives the wrong message. As others have said, wearing it on the other hand. Or even having both your rings (if you still have hers) made into a new ring on your other hand to symbolise the life you lived together might be a nice way of keeping it close without it causing a rift in a new relationship. I know people are saying that anyone who minds isn’t the right person anyway, but everyone is unique and some will be more bothered than others for their own reasons. Just have a look at the thread about a man who gave his now wife his exes engagement ring to see how symbolic people find rings!

If you’re not ready to take it off or move it to the other hand I totally get it, but I would then question if you’re ready to date at all. It can be brutal, you need a thick skin for dating these days and we’re all so attuned to looking for red flags in a potential new partner ASAP and running at the first signs that some women just wouldn’t see past this. A deceased ex can often be deified in a way that a living ex never is, so just because she’s not here, her presence will still be strongly felt by any new partner. And it’s up to you to navigate how that impacts any new relationship. But you could be doomed before you even start if moving the ring is a deal breaker. Flowers

Squeezedtillipop · 17/11/2021 17:57

Aderyn21 you sound incredibly young and naive. And should keep your judgement to yourself. Indecent? He’s widowed.

ParkheadParadise · 17/11/2021 17:58

I'm confused
The OP asks about thoughts on a man wearing a wedding ring?
I thought the OP was female, so why would you care about a man wearing a wedding ring.
I'm more confused and I don't know what I'm confused about.😂😄😂

Aderyn21 · 17/11/2021 18:00

My mum was really upset. I cared about her feelings. And he gave them no thought whatsoever.
I’m not saying that no one should ever date again and I do believe it’s possible to love more than once. But I do not think it is decent behaviour to start dating when your long term spouse has been dead for less than a year. I hope that if his wife had family that they are okay

forumdonkey · 17/11/2021 18:02

I'm sorry for your loss.

My partner is widowed and when I met him he didn't wear his wedding ring but he had his and his wife's rings cut and put together (one ring inside the other) and he wears it on a long chain instead.

SleighBells21 · 17/11/2021 18:04

The ring wouldn't bother me.

Your wife was taken away from you it's not like you have separated. So if the ring is important to you, continue to wear it.

There is never a right time to date again I think, so just go with how you feel. You might find it's not the right time, or it might be right time. You don't know until you try.

SleighBells21 · 17/11/2021 18:04

Also sorry for your loss

MeetMeAtOurSpot · 17/11/2021 18:08

@ParkheadParadise

I'm confused The OP asks about thoughts on a man wearing a wedding ring? I thought the OP was female, so why would you care about a man wearing a wedding ring. I'm more confused and I don't know what I'm confused about.😂😄😂
The OP it says he lost his wife. It is a man posting.
Sidehustle99 · 17/11/2021 18:08

I don't mean to be crude. I think you may think you are ready for dating, but I'm not sure you are. Sorry if I am wrong and also if I've got you completely wrong.

Could it be that you are ready to have a fun/sexual relationship rather a romantic 'relationship'.

Most women who date are looking for a partner who is also looking for a romantic relationship. That's why most are saying they wouldn't date you wearing your ring.

This is not a criticism, it is entirely understandable that after 33 of marriage and only 9 months since your wife passed that you would feel this way.

That said, there are women looking for uncomplicated sex and I believe from other posts on here they state this on their dating profiles.

There are also Widowed and young groups although I'm not sure if they are about group social activities rather than dating.

Good luck in your dating endeavours.

PinkTonic · 17/11/2021 18:13

I wouldn’t date someone whose wife had been dead less than a year either. I also can’t rationalise being ok with looking for a new relationship whilst being ‘not ready’ to take off the ring. If it doesn’t feel right to take it off how can it be right to potentially be intimate with a new partner?

Universeandeverything · 17/11/2021 18:14

I think it would put me off tbh.

Phoebesgift · 17/11/2021 18:15

Nope. Wouldn't date a widower who insists on still wearing his wedding ring. Also feel 7 months just can't be long enough to move on. Just my opinion.

Roselilly36 · 17/11/2021 18:19

Sorry for your loss, it’s a difficult one, personally I would feel that if you are still wearing your wedding ring you weren’t ready for a new relationship. Wishing you all the best for the future.

pictish · 17/11/2021 18:20

@Wishimaywishimight

I would think that a person who is not ready to remove their wedding ring is not ready to date. So no i would not date you.
I agree with this. It would put me off.
MontalbanoFan · 17/11/2021 18:46

I am widowed and my DP is a widower. When we met, nearly 5 years after my loss, I was still wearing my wedding ring. It didn’t occur to me to take it off.

After we’d been going out for about 6 months, and things were beginning to look serious between us, I asked DP if he would rather I stopped wearing my ring. He said no, as I’d been married a long time and it was part of me.

In his case, he had never worn a wedding ring. He is no lover of jewellery and, in any case, his job was not one where rings were normally worn. If he had been wearing one when we met, however, I think I wouldn’t have minded at all. To me it would have shown that he knows how to love.

I still wear my ring after 3+ years of being together and it’s never been a problem. I can see though that, to a younger person and to someone who has not been widowed, it may be off-putting. The advice I’ve read above about wearing it on the other hand might be something to think about.

poorpaws · 17/11/2021 18:50

My DP was very happily married for a long time until his wife sadly died and he always wore his wedding ring.

I met him a few months after her death by chance (dog walking). We enjoyed chatting when we saw each other. Eventually we walked the dogs together daily for some years (3 I think). We then realised there was something special between us (unplanned) and saw each other more. After another 2 years we got engaged and he offered to take his wedding ring off but it was me who insisted he shouldn’t. He placed it on his right hand and wore my ring on his left and he still does.

I wanted him to keep the close memories of his wife and happy marriage and I hope he never takes either ring off. His wife was a massive part of his life and a lovely person I hear. Why would I want to exclude her. We are now very happy and I am a massive part of his life.

I wouldn’t mind your wedding ring at all OP and I go with DP to where his wife’s ashes were spread on her birthday and at Christmas. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

BorisKilledMyHusband · 17/11/2021 18:56

@poorpaws

My DP was very happily married for a long time until his wife sadly died and he always wore his wedding ring.

I met him a few months after her death by chance (dog walking). We enjoyed chatting when we saw each other. Eventually we walked the dogs together daily for some years (3 I think). We then realised there was something special between us (unplanned) and saw each other more. After another 2 years we got engaged and he offered to take his wedding ring off but it was me who insisted he shouldn’t. He placed it on his right hand and wore my ring on his left and he still does.

I wanted him to keep the close memories of his wife and happy marriage and I hope he never takes either ring off. His wife was a massive part of his life and a lovely person I hear. Why would I want to exclude her. We are now very happy and I am a massive part of his life.

I wouldn’t mind your wedding ring at all OP and I go with DP to where his wife’s ashes were spread on her birthday and at Christmas. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

Pawpaws - you sound lovely.
poorpaws · 17/11/2021 19:25

My DP is really lovely, a man in a billion.

BloodyAlarms · 17/11/2021 19:48

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't date any man who's very long term relationship had ended less than a year ago, no matter how or why it ended. I just believe it is really important to take time out for yourself after a relationship ends.

However, as this thread shows other women have differing views so I'd suggest that you are just up front about it.

Interrobanger · 17/11/2021 19:59

I don't really understand how you're not ready to take the ring off but you are ready to have sex with someone else.

The two things don't really square for me. Doesn't keeping the ring on mean you still feel 'married' in your head? I wouldn't like that myself if I was looking for a partner.

BrilliantBetty · 17/11/2021 20:14

Wouldn't have any issue with a man who has been widowed wearing a wedding ring still. He is still connected to his wife (and always will be). I wouldn't date a man who lost someone so suddenly less than a year ago, it's too soon and too raw.

Original poster
Bibble69 · 17/11/2021 20:57

Thank you all for your comments. They've given me a lot to think about, regarding wearing my ring and also if I am really ready to start looking at dating again.

Although tbh the thought of dating petrifys me. We got together in the 6th form at school and the rest is history. So I've never dated outside of a school setting and wonder if I actually know how to 'adult' date. I hope that makes sense.

As to combining both wedding rings, I did contemplate wearing my wife's on a chain, but I'm not one for necklaces. What I do want is for my daughter to have it for her wedding ring when she decides to get married.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 17/11/2021 21:25

@Bibble69 it's my partner who wears the rings on a chain. It's a long chain so can't be seen but keeps it close to his heart.

May I make a suggestion? From my personal experience I wouldn't advise anyone to use a sentimental ring as their wedding ring. I used my grandmother's wedding ring when I got married and later divorced. As it's now my wedding ring, I no longer want to wear it. Nobody marries thinking they will divorce but sadly it happens and I wish I hadn't used my grandmothers beautiful ring.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 17/11/2021 21:36

OP I am also widowed and I’m afraid I wouldn’t date someone still wearing their rings on their wedding finger . It’s a symbolic thing but as kindly as possible I think that to move into a new stage and to move forward it I’d important to accept that you’re not married anymore and for me, moving the ring is part of that. But I’m only coming from my own perspective having walked the same path as you

And as for those of you who say its wrong to date before a year is up I have only one thing to say. Walk in our shoes before you put arbitrary dates out there. There are so many reasons one dates before the year and remember too, that many of us lived with an ill partner for a long time before their died. Our marriages changed and our grieving started long before they died: in my case the post death period was far less traumatic and difficult than the previous 3 years had been,