Struggling to get over my ex

[Doglover2440]

Any other Mumsnetters struggling to get over their ex after a breakup? 😢

Had been speaking since January and he ended things by text end of August three days before my final Uni deadlines. The closest relationship I have ever been in, both emotionally and physically, but probably shouldn’t still be upset three months later (is there something wrong with me?!).

So as a bit of background, I’m 24 and he’s 33. He was the keen one to begin with and didn’t want to wait to get together. Meanwhile, I wanted to wait until after my Uni deadlines. Apparently his main reason for breaking up with me is because I am insecure. I don’t think I acted insecure at all, however he spent most of the relationship pushing me to get counselling and saying I need hobbies (I did have hobbies. I enjoyed walking my dog, flyball and was going to start volunteering again after my studies - I feel like men can be quite dismissive of women’s hobbies?). He was obsessed with board games and didn’t want to/like including me in gaming or related meets. He would see two lads every Monday for a pub quiz, play D&D or board games at one of their houses every Wednesday and then later in the week also play pool/go to the casino (another issue is he was £20K in debt and not really attempting to pay it off - apparently a red flag?). He would also occasionally host board game nights at his house or go to friend’s houses to play games as a big group and didn’t like to invite me. He said we need to have our own hobbies. Can understand about the lads nights, but kind of wanted to be included in the mixed-gender events. Am I wrong for wanting this? I said I want to meet 2/3 times a week with or without friends and he was like twice a week is fine, three times a week depending on what his friends are doing.

Ughhh. Sorry for going on. Just really need some validation right now because I never got it from him!!!! 😖xx

Just not sure what he wants from a relationship if it’s not seeing his SO throughout the week and inviting them to stuff! I obviously have my own friends and went to a gin festival with a girlfriend. Also used to wind me up that he would be invited to events with his female housemate as a plus-one. She was no threat, a lesbian. But still, I was meant to be his girlfriend

He said it would have been rude to invite me to friend’s houses, which I do understand, but his housemate always got an invite

I do think you need counselling - just not the type he was thinking of!!

another issue is he was £20K in debt and not really attempting to pay it off - apparently a red flag

Is this even a question? Yes - definitely not a good sign!!! And I assume he got himself into this debt by gambling because you mentioned his debt straight after the casino.

Twice a week is plenty for a lot of people. Everybody has the right to define what feels emotionally comfortable for them, but how was that going to work if you were going to move in together one day?

Tbh OP, I think you've had a lucky escape. There women out there who think that nerdy, geeky men are sweet & lovely, but I've read a number of posts on here about women who have difficulties with men who game, who like D&D type things in the same way your ex does. Some of these men really lack social skills and think of women are pretty little airheads that they use for comfort and sex. They might live with their female partners, but keep them at emotional arms length and would prefer to mostly live separate lives under the same roof. They can be dismissive of women generally, sexist and misogynistic. Watch out for those. In the end, the woman ends up having kids with him, gives up her work, and then he opts out of family life by putting his headphones on every evening and gaming his night away (and sometimes has inappropriate friendships with female, 'cool girl' gamers who place no demands on his time and which the female partner is expected to put up with).

I would probably have quite a few things in common with these men. I also have enjoyed some less well-known board games, but just be careful of this 'type' that I'm talking about.......and that's on top of any 20k in debt!!!

You won't get any validation or closure from him. You are well rid.

@EarthSight

I do think you need counselling - just not the type he was thinking of!!

another issue is he was £20K in debt and not really attempting to pay it off - apparently a red flag

Is this even a question? Yes - definitely not a good sign!!! And I assume he got himself into this debt by gambling because you mentioned his debt straight after the casino.

Twice a week is plenty for a lot of people. Everybody has the right to define what feels emotionally comfortable for them, but how was that going to work if you were going to move in together one day?

Tbh OP, I think you've had a lucky escape. There women out there who think that nerdy, geeky men are sweet & lovely, but I've read a number of posts on here about women who have difficulties with men who game, who like D&D type things in the same way your ex does. Some of these men really lack social skills and think of women are pretty little airheads that they use for comfort and sex. They might live with their female partners, but keep them at emotional arms length and would prefer to mostly live separate lives under the same roof. They can be dismissive of women generally, sexist and misogynistic. Watch out for those. In the end, the woman ends up having kids with him, gives up her work, and then he opts out of family life by putting his headphones on every evening and gaming his night away (and sometimes has inappropriate friendships with female, 'cool girl' gamers who place no demands on his time and which the female partner is expected to put up with).

I would probably have quite a few things in common with these men. I also have enjoyed some less well-known board games, but just be careful of this 'type' that I'm talking about.......and that's on top of any 20k in debt!!!

Haha yeah, definitely do need counselling now!!! Looking into it x

Apparently the debt was actually accrued from buying food and going on holidays, but who knows! 🤦🏼‍♀️

He would rely on his brother a lot and borrow money off him.

Bloody hell. He is rubbish. He so is not the man for you. I know you feel sad but he does not deserve any more of your time. He is in debt, doesn't listen to you, is controlling and is not the man worthy of you. What has happened in your life that made you think HE was the best you can do?

I have sympathy. I really do. I'm not over someone and I know it hurts but love, not this guy!!!

@Doglover2440

Just not sure what he wants from a relationship if it’s not seeing his SO throughout the week and inviting them to stuff! I obviously have my own friends and went to a gin festival with a girlfriend. Also used to wind me up that he would be invited to events with his female housemate as a plus-one. She was no threat, a lesbian. But still, I was meant to be his girlfriend

He doesn't want a relationship in the same way you do. He might be quite emotionally immature or simply wants you so you can comfort and entertain him when he needs it. Thinking about you, your needs and what he can provide an adult female partner is not really part of that mindset. I don't know you so I don't know if you are insecure, but accusing you of this would be an effective and easy way to make sure you don't place demands on him. It's almost the equivalent of accusing a woman of being 'a nag'.

I understand that he might want to keep some events to himself and retain a degree of social independence - fine. However, it's also easy to make someone who's caring and who just wants a normal relationship feel like there's something wrong with their needs and frame them as being insecure.

Oh and ALSO.... his driving. We went on holiday to Wales and he was driving like a maniac down one-track roads. We had so many near misses and my poor dog kept getting thrown off the seat and into the footwell. On a separate occasion he also accidentally drove into a deer with me in the car! His car also needed repairs as outlined in his MOT and he had no intention of getting these done. I probably ended up badgering him a bit too much!!

I was joking obviously OP, but I do think you need some strong female support in your life to boost your confidence and support you in this sort of thing. I think you may have lost clarity of this because you probably want to make sure you're not being unreasonable, that you are a good partner to someone. It's a highly commendable trait but one that can get you into trouble if the wrong people start manipulating it.

@Doglover2440

Oh and ALSO.... his driving. We went on holiday to Wales and he was driving like a maniac down one-track roads. We had so many near misses and my poor dog kept getting thrown off the seat and into the footwell. On a separate occasion he also accidentally drove into a deer with me in the car! His car also needed repairs as outlined in his MOT and he had no intention of getting these done. I probably ended up badgering him a bit too much!!

Oh my God. I'm Welsh, from a rural area and I know exactly what you're talking about. You can tell a lot about someone and their values by their driving. What happened to the deer?

There you go again, saying you were badgering him too much. No OP, he's a prize twat.

He sounds like a real liability. You are well shot of him. You sound like a lovely person who deserves much better than this man child. Good luck!

Welsh people are fab and Wales was so beautiful! We were in Lampeter, so very rural and caution really needed to be taken. Neither of us were familiar with the area.
With regards to the deer, this happened late at night and I was in shock and really wanted to stop and report the incident! He was a bit shook himself and insisted we just drive on. It was hobbling away (probably didn’t make it :( ) and he had a massive dent on his car. X

Hardly accidental when driving like a twat and why the embarrassed face .

This guy is a grade A prick. Unfortunately you've just had a hard lesson that just because you love someone doesn't mean that they're good for you or that you should be with them.

There's a great website called baggage reclaim that has lots of articles around relationships, self esteem, boundaries etc. You might find some stuff that resonates and helps you understand what went on and how you can avoid this type of fuckwit in future. Seeing someone for who they really are (rather than the idealized version we have in our heads) really helps kill those residual feelings. Soon enough you'll be wondering wtf you were thinking.

@SunshineCake1

Bloody hell. He is rubbish. He so is not the man for you. I know you feel sad but he does not deserve any more of your time. He is in debt, doesn't listen to you, is controlling and is not the man worthy of you. What has happened in your life that made you think HE was the best you can do?

I have sympathy. I really do. I'm not over someone and I know it hurts but love, not this guy!!!

😂 I guess I felt a bit sorry for him at first. He grew up in foster care and seems to really struggle with his past. I was his second ever relationship. His first ended because he is physically unable to cum x

Bless you OP, you sound lovely. But it sounds from your posts that he triggered a side in you that wanted to rescue him. I think you're well rid, he sounds very emotionally backward. You deserve someone who invests equally in the relationship and that brings you joy.

Do others expect to be invited to certain things, or is this an aspect of me that I need to work on? I wouldn’t have always gone. Just sometimes it’s nice to know there is an invite. I like to feel integrated and be best friends with my SO

@KintsugiForever

Bless you OP, you sound lovely. But it sounds from your posts that he triggered a side in you that wanted to rescue him. I think you're well rid, he sounds very emotionally backward. You deserve someone who invests equally in the relationship and that brings you joy.

Haha yeah definitely my downside, I like to try and ‘fix’ people xx

TMI

He sounds weird and controlling. Be thankful you aren’t further in. That much debt is a big no! Don’t get involved. It is absolutely fine to have dog walking as a hobby. Do what you love. How dare he tell you that your hobbies aren’t good enough. You are well rid

You say you like to fix people…you can’t fix 20 grand of debt. Get out and meet new people. You are young with your whole life in front of you. I guarantee he dumped you because he wants somebody wealthy who will pay off his debts. As a Uni graduate you can’t do that. He’s horrid

@nocnoc

You say you like to fix people…you can’t fix 20 grand of debt. Get out and meet new people. You are young with your whole life in front of you. I guarantee he dumped you because he wants somebody wealthy who will pay off his debts. As a Uni graduate you can’t do that. He’s horrid

Thank you x

He seemed to be fixated on the fact that I was a law student and towards the end kept asking me to send him my work and checked my laptop once when I was downstairs (I later got questioned why I hadn’t written much of my dissertation)

And I do understand about the board games, but we couldn’t go to a restaurant without him whacking out this ‘Secret Hitler’. He literally had piles of board games in the boot of his car 😂😂

Your ex sounds very similar to my ex. My ex made more time for his friends and drinking. I was never invited either. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. But in hind sight I’m starting to realise he just didn’t want to spend the time with me. It hurts.
It does take a long time to get over. It’s been 5 months for me. How long has it been for you op?