Struggling to get over my ex

[Doglover2440]

Any other Mumsnetters struggling to get over their ex after a breakup? 😢

Had been speaking since January and he ended things by text end of August three days before my final Uni deadlines. The closest relationship I have ever been in, both emotionally and physically, but probably shouldn’t still be upset three months later (is there something wrong with me?!).

So as a bit of background, I’m 24 and he’s 33. He was the keen one to begin with and didn’t want to wait to get together. Meanwhile, I wanted to wait until after my Uni deadlines. Apparently his main reason for breaking up with me is because I am insecure. I don’t think I acted insecure at all, however he spent most of the relationship pushing me to get counselling and saying I need hobbies (I did have hobbies. I enjoyed walking my dog, flyball and was going to start volunteering again after my studies - I feel like men can be quite dismissive of women’s hobbies?). He was obsessed with board games and didn’t want to/like including me in gaming or related meets. He would see two lads every Monday for a pub quiz, play D&D or board games at one of their houses every Wednesday and then later in the week also play pool/go to the casino (another issue is he was £20K in debt and not really attempting to pay it off - apparently a red flag?). He would also occasionally host board game nights at his house or go to friend’s houses to play games as a big group and didn’t like to invite me. He said we need to have our own hobbies. Can understand about the lads nights, but kind of wanted to be included in the mixed-gender events. Am I wrong for wanting this? I said I want to meet 2/3 times a week with or without friends and he was like twice a week is fine, three times a week depending on what his friends are doing.

Ughhh. Sorry for going on. Just really need some validation right now because I never got it from him!!!! 😖xx

God you have dodged a bullet. He sounds so dull and a potential gambling addict, I assume he’s playing the games for money rather than fun. That’s not a future you want to be part of.
You sound like a nice person, interesting, head screwed on person…you deserve way better. You want someone who takes you out, shows you off and includes you in their life.
You were probably getting in the way of him and his precious board games. The insecurity thing is just masking the real reason. You are too good for him.

@berrycloud

Your ex sounds very similar to my ex. My ex made more time for his friends and drinking. I was never invited either. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. But in hind sight I’m starting to realise he just didn’t want to spend the time with me. It hurts. It does take a long time to get over. It’s been 5 months for me. How long has it been for you op?

Thank you, glad I’m not the only one. He definitely thought I was boring because I wasn’t a board game enthusiast unlike him and his mates and not particularly good at board gaming 🤣. It has been 3 months and I’m still really struggling with not blaming myself x

Google Natasha Adomo, lots of good advice there.

He will not improve, he is not worthy of your time, treat yourself better and forget him

Oh and another thing, he slept with me 5 days prior to the text dumping, knowing he had ‘fallen out of love’ !

Avoid older men

@OLDnightmare

Avoid older men

Yeah, obvious now why he can’t get women his own age xx

The more I read your posts, the more I think you are in danger of ending up in a very unhappy or abusive relationship in future.

You say you like fixing people (or something to that effect). If you like helping people, train to be a therapist, be a carer, volunteer to work at an animal shelter or channel these instincts towards children.

That's what a lot of this is - they are misplaced nurturing instincts, or an attempt to understand and resolve a past trauma or difficult situation. Some people are drawn towards fixing people because they think that if they can fix that person, they can 'fix' and then make peace with something or someone in their past.

Despite difficult upbringing, adult men are not babies (even though someone of them are capable of having tantrums like toddlers). You shouldn't be trying to fix them or nurture them. You need to respect them for what they are - adult males, and adult males are dangerous in a way that babies are not.

It's our faulty as a society for continuing to peddle the myth of beauty & the beast - a curious young woman who finds and transforms or tames a usually lonesome, haunted (usually older man or monster). We love a good story about a man who seems hard and unforgiving on the outside, who ends up being a softy and transformed by his relationship at the end.

I'm sure there are stories where that's worked, but you know where a lot of those women end up in real life?

They end up here, on these forums, in their 30s, 40s or 50s, worn and tired. Devastated that after years of trying and striving, their man having discarded them for a younger women or maybe even turned physically abusive. They turn up here to lament the fact their partner is still taking cocaine, still gambling. They wonder where all their youth went, cry over years wasted.

Be very careful of being caught up in the fantasy of 'fixing' or 'saving' someone. Don't get caught up in the romance of the tortured soul that had a difficult childhood. It is you who will most likely pay dearly for that.

@EarthSight

The more I read your posts, the more I think you are in danger of ending up in a very unhappy or abusive relationship in future.

You say you like fixing people (or something to that effect). If you like helping people, train to be a therapist, be a carer, volunteer to work at an animal shelter or channel these instincts towards children.

That's what a lot of this is - they are misplaced nurturing instincts, or an attempt to understand and resolve a past trauma or difficult situation. Some people are drawn towards fixing people because they think that if they can fix that person, they can 'fix' and then make peace with something or someone in their past.

Despite difficult upbringing, adult men are not babies (even though someone of them are capable of having tantrums like toddlers). You shouldn't be trying to fix them or nurture them. You need to respect them for what they are - adult males, and adult males are dangerous in a way that babies are not.

It's our faulty as a society for continuing to peddle the myth of beauty & the beast - a curious young woman who finds and transforms or tames a usually lonesome, haunted (usually older man or monster). We love a good story about a man who seems hard and unforgiving on the outside, who ends up being a softy and transformed by his relationship at the end.

I'm sure there are stories where that's worked, but you know where a lot of those women end up in real life?

They end up here, on these forums, in their 30s, 40s or 50s, worn and tired. Devastated that after years of trying and striving, their man having discarded them for a younger women or maybe even turned physically abusive. They turn up here to lament the fact their partner is still taking cocaine, still gambling. They wonder where all their youth went, cry over years wasted.

Be very careful of being caught up in the fantasy of 'fixing' or 'saving' someone. Don't get caught up in the romance of the tortured soul that had a difficult childhood. It is you who will most likely pay dearly for that.

Thank you, definitely a life lesson! I’m a very caring person and feel like he had it good. I would always have a hot snack and drink waiting for him for when he finished work 🤣🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ . He did complain before that I am ‘over caring’ , but I just couldn’t help myself and now I’m paying the price 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would examine if you really are caring (which is truly altruistic and an automatic response) or if you are doing these things for approval (which means you do things because deep down, you hope to get praise, acknowledgment, loyalty and other things in return). Most people do want those things, sometimes it's real mixture of motivations, but it's good examine what you do and see what's driving that. You don't have to tell anyone. Just be aware of it, because it will help you make decisions in future.

@EarthSight

I would examine if you really are caring (which is truly altruistic and an automatic response) or if you are doing these things for approval (which means you do things because deep down, you hope to get praise, acknowledgment, loyalty and other things in return). Most people do want those things, sometimes it's real mixture of motivations, but it's good examine what you do and see what's driving that. You don't have to tell anyone. Just be aware of it, because it will help you make decisions in future.

I feel like I am genuinely caring. I used to really worry about his spending (probs because he was already in so much debt) and driving and tell him off for speeding 😂. He also liked to walk out in front of moving cars and I had to encourage him to wait for the green man before crossing the road. He also used to bite his fingernails until they bled and this made me worry too!! I’m terrible 🤦🏼‍♀️

He would also frequently stay behind at work 2 hours later than his normal working hours to ‘chat’ to his female boss who also bought him chocolates. I didn’t kick up a stink about this, but did make it clear that I found it a bit odd. He didn’t like this and started ignoring me/acting really off. Makes me wonder if I should have just turned a blind eye 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

@Doglover2440, it sounds like you really wanted a pet not a fella.

[quote ILoveShula]@Doglover2440, it sounds like you really wanted a pet not a fella.[/quote]
A pet? How so?

“I feel like I am genuinely caring. I used to really worry about his spending (probs because he was already in so much debt) and driving and tell him off for speeding 😂. He also liked to walk out in front of moving cars and I had to encourage him to wait for the green man before crossing the road. He also used to bite his fingernails until they bled and this made me worry too!! I’m terrible 🤦🏼‍♀️“

That is not a healthy adult relationship, OP. That’s parenting a poorly brought up child.

It’s a bit frustrating when women are pining over garbage men, recounting the poor behaviour of said men and attributing their tolerance of it to stereotypically positive female traits like being ‘kind and caring’. I don’t think framing things in that manner is helpful.

Please do not think I’m attacking you, I have no doubt you’re a lively person. But, in this context, what you are characterising as kindness and care are actually poor boundaries, a low bar for acceptable male behaviour and a willingness to sublimate your own wants to keep a rubbish partner. It’s best to recognise this, look it all in the eye and address it head on.

@Doglover2440

He would also frequently stay behind at work 2 hours later than his normal working hours to ‘chat’ to his female boss who also bought him chocolates. I didn’t kick up a stink about this, but did make it clear that I found it a bit odd. He didn’t like this and started ignoring me/acting really off. Makes me wonder if I should have just turned a blind eye 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

So you think you should have turned a blind eye because you reasonably pointed out your feelings and he treated you badly for doing so? Come on. Surely you can see the wrong in this?

He said it was normal and that I wouldn’t know that because I’ve not had as many jobs as him (quite patronising imo). I kind of just accepted it for what it was. We had planned to meet one night before he was due to go and see the lads and only got 10 minutes together because he was having a chat with his manager about someone got the sack at work? If that was me, I would have been like sorry I can’t stay late tonight I’ve made plans with my partner!

Take no notice of what he said, his opinions of what you should do in your life are only yours to make, he did you a massive favour by ending it.

Really do appreciate all your comments. Everyone has been super helpful and reassured me that I’m not in the wrong! Thank you x