Make me feel better about this dating scenario....

[writergirl747474]

So had a second date with a Bumble guy last night. Got on really well again (as per first date). Lots to chat about, lots of compliments. First guy I've connected with in a while.

We went back to mine and were snogging on the sofa, ending up both topless. He tried to undo my jeans about three times, I stopped him each time, eventually saying my period was due (it was), not that I should need an excuse to say no. I could feel he had a hard-on (although I didn't touch him etc).

We agreed to see each other again. He just text saying he is not feeling enough attraction to see me again. I'm gutted as first guy I've liked in a while - even though his pushiness last night put me off a bit.

He was just after a shag wasn't he? No doubt he'd have dumped me if I'd slept with him too and I'd feel worse. I called him out on it - saying he seemed keen to take things further last night. No response.

I know I'm better off out of it but my ego has taken a hit. I am fit and not unattractive and he was definitely turned on last night.

Just a bit pissed off as I thought all good.

As for when it's right to have someone back to yours.... how well do you have to know them?? He could have acted the same way on date 7/8 by which time I'd probably like him more.

Of course, he could have. There are never any guarantees that a man you're dating might not turn out to be an arsehole. But the more time you take to get to know someone, the more likely you are to spot any red flags.

However, my chief concern is safety. This man could have raped you!

And it would have been your word against his. We all know how woefully low the prosecution and conviction rates are. Not to mention the psychological trauma.

Point taken about when it's safe to have someone back at my place.

I guess I thought my judgment was normally pretty good - not really had this situation before as other guys have understood what "I'm not having sex with you" meant. I'll be more careful in future.

I think he's just got a bruised ego that you managed to resist him (he clearly has a high opinion of himself)

So the "there isn't enough attraction" point, is basically "you're not attracted to me and worshipping me enough" - he obviously is looking for someone that will be so in awe of him that he can do what he likes

This man doesn't like no and decided to punish you for it. His comment was nasty and unnecessary. Bullet dodged.

OP,

I remember reading that it is very important in the early stages of a relationship to say No a few times about different things, as it tells you an awful lot about a person.

He couldn't deal with No, so you really have dodged a waster.

It is another good reason not to have sex quickly if you are looking for a relationship as it can indeed help weed out some loser's.

However that is not a concern so much if you want a ONS, which is perfectly ok too!

51 years old and still a creep smdh

There's no victim blaming from me in any way.

There are a lot of creepy rapey, weirdos out there Men lie so damn much, it's hard to tell the difference. they also tend to be very charming. Tell them no sex. They may or may not listen. Creeps aren't listening or believing what women say anyway.

I wouldn't bring anyone back to my house for quite a few reasons, like rape, assault, burglary, stalking.

It's terrible that women have to be on guard and protect themselves but there are so many predators out there that want to hurt women.

You’ve dodged a bullet- but don’t invite men back to yours until you have vetted them. They are strangers.

And tbh coming back to houses until you’ve had about 5 dates outside the house, and have been seeing each other for a month or so. You didn’t know this man at all, any ‘connection’ would have been raging hormones.

This isn’t just sex thing- it can encourage lazy fuckers to suggest you get a takeaway and a grope on the sofa instead of taking you out.

This makes me relieved that I didn’t invite in the first date guy I went out with last week when he dropped me home at the end of the night. I felt I should say, do you want to come in for coffee but wasn’t sure I was attracted to him so I didn’t. I felt guilty though.

OP, why did you take your top and bra off? I've heard of course of 1st and 2nd base but assumed they were things teenagers do, not grown up men and women, presumably with previous experience of having full sex.

51!! I thought, reading this, you were talking about someone in their 20s... really immature.

He will be back, I guarantee it. Make sure you tell him to fuck off when it happens.

@Bbub

Totally agree with *@TurnUpTurnip*

It's not right but it's just reality IME. It doesn't matter what you say it's how you behave; letting things progress physically confuses some guys when he's all horny and hopeful.

I think it's pathetic on the man's part but I've been in OPs situation more than once, and stating that sex is not on the cards isn't enough to stop the guy being pushy and then getting pissed off when it doesn't happen. I've been called a tease and "confusing" for kissing a guy outside my house. Some men just aren't respectful.

The man's 51 years old. I'm sure he'll be very familiar with the idea that some some physical stuff may be welcome when it's still 'too soon' for full sex. That was pretty much the norm back in the day and I don't recall men getting confused by it.

I've been in a similar situation and have learnt to not invite someone in if I am not ready for sex. No criticism of OP by the way.

@Universeandeverything

This makes me relieved that I didn’t invite in the first date guy I went out with last week when he dropped me home at the end of the night. I felt I should say, do you want to come in for coffee but wasn’t sure I was attracted to him so I didn’t. I felt guilty though.

Oh, Universe ...

Please work on that misplaced guilt!
You don't owe some random date the privilege of being invited into your home.
You don't owe him the work of trying to find him attractive.

Why do you think you felt guilty? What messages have you been absorbing, to make you question your own autonomy like this?

Don't get me wrong - you did great to resist the conditioned response of asking him in! - but why on earth should you then have to feel bad about it?

This might make an interesting & helpful read for you - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543/ref=pd_lpo_1?psc=1&pd_rd_i=0715654543&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Phoebesgift

OP, why did you take your top and bra off? I've heard of course of 1st and 2nd base but assumed they were things teenagers do, not grown up men and women, presumably with previous experience of having full sex.

Presumably because she wanted to, & doesn't need your permission @Phoebesgift.

Maybe examine your own assumptions about what sex means before laying blame at the OP for her date being pissed off with not getting "more" out of her.

@writergirl747474

Thanks everyone.

Re. him coming back to mine. I made it very clear I wasn't sleeping with him - literally said outside "Don't get any ideas, I'm not going to have sex with you". Yet, seems that wasn't clear enough.

But you let him take your top off? Mixed messages. Maybe he thought you had changed your mind.

He should not have tried to undo your trousers though after the first rebuke.

The fact that he carried on trying to undo your jeans three times after you said no is such an enormous red flag. Well done for avoiding a sexual predator.

Agree with everyone else - he was just after sex, didn't get it so moved on quickly to the next potential sexual partner. You are well rid.

You did the right thing, he would if dumped you regardless if you slept with him.
I hope you won't get into a situation like this again until you know and trust them more to invite them into your home, him trying to undo your jeans when you already said no, it could of turned out really nasty.

But you let him take your top off? Mixed messages. Maybe he thought you had changed your mind

He should not have tried to undo your trousers though after the first rebuke

Please take your MRA / rape apology nonsense elsewhere, it’s not appreciated here.

People have the legal and moral right to say yes to one thing and no to another. It’s simple.

If you think that’s a mixed message you need to work on your language comprehension.

Oh and you need a new name @GentlemanJayFab - you are certainly not a gentleman.

@Double3xposure

But you let him take your top off? Mixed messages. Maybe he thought you had changed your mind

He should not have tried to undo your trousers though after the first rebuke

Please take your MRA / rape apology nonsense elsewhere, it’s not appreciated here.

People have the legal and moral right to say yes to one thing and no to another. It’s simple.

If you think that’s a mixed message you need to work on your language comprehension.

Oh and you need a new name @GentlemanJayFab - you are certainly not a gentleman.

I said he should not have tried the second or third time.

That doesn’t make your first rape apologist comment ok.

“ Mixed messages “ is the mantra of men who rape and sexually assault women and girls.

“ Well she had dinner with me/ let me buy her a drink / smiled at me / shagged my mate last year so I assume that she was up for sex . How is a poor bloke supposed to know , it’s so confusing, these mixed messages”.

Oh and I forgot to say @GentlemanJayFab, welcome to MN. I’m sure you will find it interesting here.

@samesign

You did the right thing, he would if dumped you regardless if you slept with him. I hope you won't get into a situation like this again until you know and trust them more to invite them into your home, him trying to undo your jeans when you already said no, it could of turned out really nasty.

Yes, he would have dumped either way. So glad I didn't sleep with him - someone that self-centred would be crap in bed anyway.

Will be more careful in future.

As for whoever mentioned mixed messages... there were none. Told him no sex before he came in the flat. Told him no to below the waist more than once. I didn't change the parameters at all.

And even if I had yes to sex then changed it to no... all women have the right to do that at any point.