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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Make me feel better about this dating scenario....

74 replies

writergirl747474 · 17/11/2021 09:47

So had a second date with a Bumble guy last night. Got on really well again (as per first date). Lots to chat about, lots of compliments. First guy I've connected with in a while.

We went back to mine and were snogging on the sofa, ending up both topless. He tried to undo my jeans about three times, I stopped him each time, eventually saying my period was due (it was), not that I should need an excuse to say no. I could feel he had a hard-on (although I didn't touch him etc).

We agreed to see each other again. He just text saying he is not feeling enough attraction to see me again. I'm gutted as first guy I've liked in a while - even though his pushiness last night put me off a bit.

He was just after a shag wasn't he? No doubt he'd have dumped me if I'd slept with him too and I'd feel worse. I called him out on it - saying he seemed keen to take things further last night. No response.

I know I'm better off out of it but my ego has taken a hit. I am fit and not unattractive and he was definitely turned on last night.

Just a bit pissed off as I thought all good.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 17/11/2021 12:27

Exactly my point, despite the op saying she didn’t want to sleep with him she still ended up topless with him so of course he thought it would go all the way, that’s not the same as no means no just that he probably though sex would still end up happening when she invited him back.

TheTrinity · 17/11/2021 12:27

You definitely had a lucky escape OP. He sees this as a rejection which shows him to be immature and has an ego so fragile he can't even accept your word at the start. He didn't want to bother making any effort on another date and makes you question your attractiveness. Really?! You know all you need to know now to move on to much better than this.

ChargingBuck · 17/11/2021 12:36

Pissed off as I liked him so my judgement must be well off.

Hey - stop that OP!

Your judgement is sound - you called the boundary-pushing negging twat out, & are spending zero seconds pining about it - instead, you know you are well out of it & are venting some well-earned anger here.

Compare & contrast with the many threads here started by women who are agonising for weeks over some bloke they've only just met, desperately doing the 'Pick-Me Dance' & believing that They Will Change Him.

All respect to your Shark Cage :) Flowers
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

ChargingBuck · 17/11/2021 12:40

@Phoebesgift

Why did you end up topless if you didn't want to shag? The bloke is obviously lying about not feeling enough attraction. He's probably pissed off that you were teasing him then saying no.
Oh come off it - sex doesn't need to be all-or-nothing - have you never heard of second base etc?
ChargingBuck · 17/11/2021 12:45

@TurnUpTurnip

Exactly my point, despite the op saying she didn’t want to sleep with him she still ended up topless with him so of course he thought it would go all the way, that’s not the same as no means no just that he probably though sex would still end up happening when she invited him back.
No means no, whenever it is said, no matter how far physical contact has progressed.

You know taking your top off means you're still not obliged to go any further, don'tcha @TurnUpTurnip?

If you don't, or you are somehow still hanging on to some outdated internalised madonna/whore mythology, best get your boundaries checked.

TurnUpTurnip · 17/11/2021 12:48

No one said that stop twisting things. He thought his luck was in it wasn’t so he’s annoyed, no one said it was right but he obviously did believe he was getting sex and is annoyed it didn’t happen.

FinallyHere · 17/11/2021 13:00

not that I should need an excuse to say no

Usually, I WTFT before commenting but ignoring your no three times is just not right.

I would throw him overboard as soon as he carried on after your first no.

Shall go back and see what everyone else thinks. Strongly hope it's unanimous

Why do you want to see him again? What other boundaries do you have, which you are happy for him to trample over ?

There you have it. He didn't feel strongly enough about you to want any kind of relationship but that didn't stop him pushing hard for sex.

Dodged a bullet for sure.

RosieGuacamosie · 17/11/2021 13:05

@TurnUpTurnip

No one said that stop twisting things. He thought his luck was in it wasn’t so he’s annoyed, no one said it was right but he obviously did believe he was getting sex and is annoyed it didn’t happen.
Why on Earth are you minimising this blokes borderline rapey behaviour? Confused
TurnUpTurnip · 17/11/2021 13:07

So he’s such a rapist yet the op is sad he doesn’t want to see her again? She said they both agreed to see each other again after and “would have slept with him the next time” yet now he’s a rapist? So why did she want to see him again?

FlowerArranger · 17/11/2021 13:20

I wouldn't bring someone back to mine or go to theirs so soon. Men think it's fuck time. Plus, I'd be worried about stalkers rapists.

It really isn't safe - I'm astonished that so few have picked up on this!

TurnUpTurnip · 17/11/2021 13:23

You can’t pick up on it as then you get jumped on and told you are victim blaming.

ChargingBuck · 17/11/2021 13:26

@TurnUpTurnip

No one said that stop twisting things. He thought his luck was in it wasn’t so he’s annoyed, no one said it was right but he obviously did believe he was getting sex and is annoyed it didn’t happen.
What - despite being told it definitely wasn't happening before they even went inside OP's home?
Bbub · 17/11/2021 13:34

Totally agree with @TurnUpTurnip

It's not right but it's just reality IME. It doesn't matter what you say it's how you behave; letting things progress physically confuses some guys when he's all horny and hopeful.

I think it's pathetic on the man's part but I've been in OPs situation more than once, and stating that sex is not on the cards isn't enough to stop the guy being pushy and then getting pissed off when it doesn't happen. I've been called a tease and "confusing" for kissing a guy outside my house. Some men just aren't respectful.

TurnUpTurnip · 17/11/2021 13:37

Thank you at least someone understands what I’m saying, I’m not saying I AGREE with it I’m saying that it’s how MEN think, so if a woman invites a man back to her house she’s only met twice yes he does think it’s for sex, you saying “it’s not for sex” isn’t going to stop him thinking that, he’s just thinking you don’t want him to get the wrong impression/think your easy/ think you do it with all guys so you are saying it to not come across as it’s something you regularly do with me/plan. It doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to push for sex that’s not what I’m saying.

TurnUpTurnip · 17/11/2021 13:38

Me should be men*

coatofmanycolors · 17/11/2021 14:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the user.

AnaViaSalamanca · 17/11/2021 14:06

I am not slut shaming at all as I have had my share of one night stands, but @writergirl747474 you seem to be more annoyed about him dumping you than anything else. In reality you should be more careful otherwise you will be coerced into doing something you will regret later on. Of course the man is an asshole, but you should have better boundaries. If you were not open to anything you could have sat on different sofas. You could have moved away, got up, etc after the first no.

In an ideal world yes a no is fine, but in reality you gave him loads of mixed signals and very soft no. For your own protection you should be much more assertive

Courtier · 17/11/2021 14:23

I'd say he's manipulating you. He may well come back and want to 'try again' and this comment is to make you insecure and want to 'prove' to him he's attracted to you by... putting out.

Sorry OP. I'd dodge.

Original poster
writergirl747474 · 17/11/2021 14:31

@Phoebesgift

Why did you end up topless if you didn't want to shag? The bloke is obviously lying about not feeling enough attraction. He's probably pissed off that you were teasing him then saying no.
Because that's how far I was comfortable with going. 'Bases' and all that...

At one point he clarified something like "top half is ok but no the bottom half" and I said "yes that's right". Boundaries set clearly... then tested again when he gave undoing my jeans a second/third attempt. It didn't feel "rapey", more annoying.

As for when it's right to have someone back to yours.... how well do you have to know them?? He could have acted the same way on date 7/8 by which time I'd probably like him more.

As for why I wanted to see him again, was pissed off I'd been dumped etc, I liked his company and fancied him which seems a rare scenario these days. But I did feel a bit meh by the end of the evening and certainly wasn't thinking he was the great love of my life etc. Maybe I'm pissed off as he had the cheek to dump me when it was him who'd been a twat.

I suppose I was giving him the benefit of the doubt as until that point he'd seemed like a nice guy. Lesson learned. Men who continue to try to get in your pants after you said no are not nice guys. To be honest, despite having dated a lot I haven't really had that situation before as most guys have understood "no".

OP posts:
Fatgalslim · 17/11/2021 14:33

@AnaViaSalamanca

I am not slut shaming at all as I have had my share of one night stands, but *@writergirl747474* you seem to be more annoyed about him dumping you than anything else. In reality you should be more careful otherwise you will be coerced into doing something you will regret later on. Of course the man is an asshole, but you should have better boundaries. If you were not open to anything you could have sat on different sofas. You could have moved away, got up, etc after the first no.

In an ideal world yes a no is fine, but in reality you gave him loads of mixed signals and very soft no. For your own protection you should be much more assertive

I think OP is more annoyed that he said he wasn't attracted to her, obviously said to try and hurt the OP
Original poster
writergirl747474 · 17/11/2021 14:36

@coatofmanycolors

OP can I just say that I admire your courage and your ability to call out this mans bullshit behaviour.

Sex isn't a rollercoaster that once it's started, you have to go all the way. Jeez. OP had the right to go as far as she was comfortable with and the guy should have respected her first no and backed off. TBH he sounds a bit desperate and immature if he feels he can behave this way. Notwithstanding the potential for him to be far worse, these traits would send me running anyway.

Not a great situation but a well handled one, OP.

Thank you.

As for 'immature', he's 51. But yes, still immature. Some men don't mature with age.

Glad I called out his shitty behaviour - told him I shouldn't have to say no more than once. I've literally walked round all day mumbling 'what a dickhead'. Been to the gym, feel much better. Worried I called my PT a dickhead by accident though ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
writergirl747474 · 17/11/2021 14:39

@AnaViaSalamanca

I am not slut shaming at all as I have had my share of one night stands, but *@writergirl747474* you seem to be more annoyed about him dumping you than anything else. In reality you should be more careful otherwise you will be coerced into doing something you will regret later on. Of course the man is an asshole, but you should have better boundaries. If you were not open to anything you could have sat on different sofas. You could have moved away, got up, etc after the first no.

In an ideal world yes a no is fine, but in reality you gave him loads of mixed signals and very soft no. For your own protection you should be much more assertive

Tricky to snog from separate sofas though? I was happy to snog him. Boundaries were set several times: "You can come in but no sex" "No" "Yes above the waist is ok, not below the waist".

I stuck to all these, not coerced into anything and never have been in the past.

I didn't give him mixed signals and "no" is "no" - there's not a soft no.

Yeah I'm annoyed he dumped me. But, admittedly, less annoyed than I was two hours ago as everyone is right - I dodged a bullet.

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 17/11/2021 14:44

@TurnUpTurnip

You can’t pick up on it as then you get jumped on and told you are victim blaming.
This
Bookworm20 · 17/11/2021 14:47

@Phoebesgift

Why did you end up topless if you didn't want to shag? The bloke is obviously lying about not feeling enough attraction. He's probably pissed off that you were teasing him then saying no.
WTF

If thats the case no one should ever kiss then, because you know. Leading them on and all.
So what if they were topless? OP made it clear she wasn't having sex with him. Hes clearly just got the arse about that, hes an entitled dick.

He can be as pissed off as he likes. Doesn't mean he gets to have sex just because he saw OP's boobs.

he was obviously just after sex and when he didn't get what he wanted is trying to make OP feel bad about herself.

OP, thank goodness you know this about him now though! If he was a decent guy there would have been no need for a second no. or a third, or fourth, or fifth, or sixth.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/11/2021 14:48

Op - obvs dodged a bullet. Fuck this rapey arsehole.

But I agree with others that you made yourself vulnerable letting him in the house. It was the 2nd time you met him. Were you checking in with a friend?

You didn't lead him on
You didn't raise his expectations
You didn't let him think he was on the promise
You were very clear that you wouldn't be having sex

You shouldn't have to have to worry about this, but. Please. Keep yourself safe.