Just looking for someone to talk to about son and d-in-law

[Writercat]

Son aged 29 married to a girl he met online. She came over from India and they live together in a flat 3hours away from us. Son is super sensitive to sound and smell and mess. He works from home and doesn't go out or socialise. DIL is finding things difficult. She doesn't know many people and only has me to talk to (her family in India have a different world view). I hate that she is unhappy. She says she loves my son and is trying to please him. Son is emotionally immature. She would like to have children but he doesn't want any for a long time. He doesn't seem to realise that it's a time-sensitive thing. I've just listened to DIL telling me everything and apologising for telling me. I have promised not to devulge a word. She's scared he'll do something stupid if it gets to the point where she has to leave. I feel so sad for her. I worry about my son too but there is nothing I can say because he doesn't confide in me or anyone. Thanks for listening.

Honestly that sounds very difficult. Does your dil have any family in this country? Could you let her come to yours for a break?

It sounds really positive she trusts you and has such a nice relationship it seems with you .
Have they been together long and how old are they ? (Just in that it may be relevant and could she be used to different cultural norms and earlier marriage / children?) Can you ask her what she thinks would help and explain it feels hard to speak to your son even if she wanted you to? Can she speak to him about all this?

Does your DS have any autistic traits?

(other than the ones you've mentioned. sensory sensitivity, withdrawn social engagement, not sure what you mean by emotional immaturity but I wonder if he lacks social communication skills).

I only ask because my DH is autistic and I really struggled with our relatiohship until I understood the context for his traits.

@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony

Does your DS have any autistic traits?

Obligatory eyeroll of doom 🙄

I withdraw that eye roll as we crossed posts

Had he presented himself as a different character until they got married? Does she have a job and a life outside of the home?

Op I'm guessing you are not of Indian heritage yourself? Has your son tried to welcome her by educating himself on her heritage? Like learning a simple "I love you" in her language?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I withdraw that eye roll as we crossed posts

I'm afraid I don't speak emoji as I'm also neurodiverse so if you have something you want to say you'll need to just say it rather than intimate it.

Thanks for your replies. DIL has spoken to son but when one problem is solved there is another one - usually do do with his awkwardness.
As for autism, I've thought a lot about this and I'm not sure. I didn't notice anything while he was growing up. he was deaf until he was four and that held him back. He had a few friends but preferred to saty in his room and communicate via the internet. Went to uni and did well though. His sensitivity has worstened over the years and we put that down to him being on his own all the time.
My DIL loves me but my son is very anti-mum and she doesn't know why. I love them both and just feel sick and sad right now. The thought of my son spending even more years shut in a bedroom worries me (Surely they grow out of it?). DIL's in a strange country and I don't want either of them to get hurt.

@Writercat

Thanks for your replies. DIL has spoken to son but when one problem is solved there is another one - usually do do with his awkwardness. As for autism, I've thought a lot about this and I'm not sure. I didn't notice anything while he was growing up. he was deaf until he was four and that held him back. He had a few friends but preferred to saty in his room and communicate via the internet. Went to uni and did well though. His sensitivity has worstened over the years and we put that down to him being on his own all the time. My DIL loves me but my son is very anti-mum and she doesn't know why. I love them both and just feel sick and sad right now. The thought of my son spending even more years shut in a bedroom worries me (Surely they grow out of it?). DIL's in a strange country and I don't want either of them to get hurt.

Interesting, I just wondered why you included all the information on his sensory sensitivity as it didn't seem to have a link to the rest of the post so was wondering if you had wondered if he was autistic.

Either way, he sounds like someone who has never welcomed intimate relationships or communication and now he's married to someone who is very isolated and really lacking it. No wonder things are challenging for her.

DIL works long hours in a warehouse. Gets up at 3am, comes home at 7pm. Son has not attempted to learn her culture or language. Son it seems is still in teenage mode.

It is the first relationship for both of them. He's a web engineer. Very quiet yet brave, clever academically and actually has a good sense of humour when he's not taking everything so seriously. DIL is really chatty and compasionate person.

I think that you're right to feel sad for her, your feeling is valid. She 'wants to please' someone who shows little interest in her.

Would she have the strength or means to leave him?

It sounds like being on his own and on the internet instead of having to work out friendships etc has not helped him and unless he sees this and is willing to work at a relationship and change I can see how hard his partner will find it and inevitably be unhappy. If it’s been from such a young age I’d be worried he won’t change ? I have a family member like this and it’s not easy.

I feel for you and it sounds too hard to warn your son he could threaten the relationship if she carries on this lonely?

Think he is interested in her but not sure if he knows how to be a husband. He's still in teenage mode. They are saving to buy a house. She wants to move nearer to us but my son doesn't want to. If it came to the piont where she descided to leave she has enough money to go back to India but she'd have to stay away from her family because divorcees bring shame on them. She doesn't want to divorce though, she wants to work it out with my son.
I tend to think he's problems are because he doesn't live in the real world and doesn't have any real responsibilities.

Well no one "knows" how to be a husband or a wife, we all work it out. And he may be interested in her but it doesn't sound like she feels that interest. So he needs to work on his social communication skills, really.

"My DIL loves me but my son is very anti-mum "

What does this bit mean, that he's anti-mum? Can you explain?

Had for me to warn him without him guessign that DIL has been talking to me. My younger son is 25 and lives in his bedroom on the computer. He's doing a OU degree full time. You have to wonder how different things might be if there was no internet.

What I mean by anti-mum is he doesn't like anything I do. I try to tread carefully with him or he will kick agaisnt me (like a teen would). Not so long back I actually said to him if he didn't like me not to bother with me. We talk on the phone about once a week (my husband initaiates the call) and everything is fine.

@Myfriend

It sounds really positive she trusts you and has such a nice relationship it seems with you . Have they been together long and how old are they ? (Just in that it may be relevant and could she be used to different cultural norms and earlier marriage / children?) Can you ask her what she thinks would help and explain it feels hard to speak to your son even if she wanted you to? Can she speak to him about all this?

Son 29 and DIL 30. Together online for 7 years (they met twice in that time) and living together for 2 years. Yes she is from a culture where they have early marriage. She talks to him about things but then another problem arises. Admittedly I'm only hearing her side and she's been very emotional. Being in a tiny falt doesn't help I'm sure.

Oh gosh I feel so sorry for your DIL. Can she separate from him for a few weeks, try and shock him into growing up?
It’s not your job to fix their marriage, but I think you’re doing the right thing in supporting her. I’d potentially also try and help her make friends and support her finding her own life outside of their flat and him. You can help her because she wants things to improve, you can’t help him because he doesn’t. He’ll need to see the need for change before he will do anything.

I imagine she doesn’t want to go home and face the humiliation that it hasn’t worked out, but I don’t see any other way.

They met twice and then got married?!!

@MooPointCowsOpinion

Oh gosh I feel so sorry for your DIL. Can she separate from him for a few weeks, try and shock him into growing up? It’s not your job to fix their marriage, but I think you’re doing the right thing in supporting her. I’d potentially also try and help her make friends and support her finding her own life outside of their flat and him. You can help her because she wants things to improve, you can’t help him because he doesn’t. He’ll need to see the need for change before he will do anything.

If she were to come and stay with us she would worry in case he does something to harm himself. Because they met online they've not had a 'courtship'. They went straight into a marriage. When my husband and I were first living togeher it wasn't easy. It took years to find a balance - men really are from Mars! If she didn't cook for him he would just eat noodles. DIL is learning to drive and is a park volunteer.