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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just looking for someone to talk to about son and d-in-law

46 replies

Writercat · 16/11/2021 20:19

Son aged 29 married to a girl he met online. She came over from India and they live together in a flat 3hours away from us. Son is super sensitive to sound and smell and mess. He works from home and doesn't go out or socialise. DIL is finding things difficult. She doesn't know many people and only has me to talk to (her family in India have a different world view). I hate that she is unhappy. She says she loves my son and is trying to please him. Son is emotionally immature. She would like to have children but he doesn't want any for a long time. He doesn't seem to realise that it's a time-sensitive thing. I've just listened to DIL telling me everything and apologising for telling me. I have promised not to devulge a word. She's scared he'll do something stupid if it gets to the point where she has to leave. I feel so sad for her. I worry about my son too but there is nothing I can say because he doesn't confide in me or anyone. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 16/11/2021 21:34

Op you should lovely... but do not let your man child of a son make you feel not worthy.

How is his relationship with his dad?

Ozanj · 16/11/2021 21:36

What part of India is she from? There is a tendancy in some north Indian cultures not to talk well or positively about your husband so as not to tempt fate. So you might not be hearing the full story. How does what she say map to your understanding of your son?

I might also try and include her in family stuff you do. If you guys are not of Indian origin too then it’s possible she’s gone from living in an extended family / close family to just her and your DH in a really short time. If she also has been cut off from her family then she might be missing them. Try and step in by taking her out more often etc etc.

Original poster

Writercat · 16/11/2021 21:37

@Mammyloveswine

They met twice and then got married?!!

They met online nine years ago so all thier 'dating' was online. They had holidayed together for a week, twice. It's all a bit different to the norm.

OP posts:

Original poster

Writercat · 16/11/2021 21:39

@Mammyloveswine

Op you should lovely... but do not let your man child of a son make you feel not worthy.

How is his relationship with his dad?

He seems to tollerate his Dad like he does me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Writercat · 16/11/2021 21:42

@Ozanj

She's from Dheli and yes she is missing having extended family (we're just white British). She'd love to be here with us but my son won't visit very often. We travel up to see them a few times a year. Lockdown stopped a lot of visits including them coming to us for Christmas. Because she is so social and family oriented and he's not she feels as if he's beign controlling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Writercat · 16/11/2021 21:45

Sorry Ozanj, not sure what you mean by 'How does what she say map to your understanding of your son?'

OP posts:

Original poster

Writercat · 16/11/2021 21:47

No sure if I said, but they are living in Manchester and we are in Swansea, Wales. So not easy to drop in on each other or to go out and do things.

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PermanentTemporary · 16/11/2021 21:51

I'm honestly not sure there's a lot you can do except be a warm family connection for her. I don't think letting her complain so much about him is going to make him trust you or her more. He's an adult presumably living the way he likes. I would try to change the subject a bit. Could you meet up just the two of you? Could she plan a visit home to see her family, something to look forward to? Do you have any interests in common? Could she meet other friends through you?

It's not normally required that mothers in law become close friends with their DIL but if you want to help her, that's something you can do.

What you can't do is change your son. I'd say stop thinking of him as 'immature' and 'in teen mode'; he's a grown up and a married man who was in a relationship for years! I think I'd assume that an online relationship suited him fine as a grown man and that's how he is. I do think eventually things will break down but you can't do anything about that either.

WoolyMammoth55 · 16/11/2021 22:06

Hi OP, I think it's great that you are trying to help them.

Can you suggest that they should have couple's counselling? Maybe online sessions would be possible to help your son feel comfortable? Could you perhaps give your DIL the money for a session each week? That seems to me like the best chance of them getting the marriage to work, if your DS can be brave enough to speak about his feelings and they can find some common ground and a plan to improve things.

Not to catastrophise too much :( but there is a small but real risk of honour killings for divorced women in India. It depends where she is from, etc, but since she's expressed fear of the reaction to her return then it's fairly likely that she has no 'home' to go to, would pretty much have to start life again without making any family aware that she's back... That's a very harsh thing for your son to do to her.

If your DS gets on better with his dad, can you deputise your DH to discuss some of this with him? Ultimately he can spend the rest of his life alone on the computer or he can make this marriage work, and get help so that he's ready to be a parent on her timeframe... What does he want his future to look like?

Wish all of you all the best

Original poster

Writercat · 16/11/2021 23:04

Thank you, all.
And yes WoolyMammoth55 you're right, she'll have to live away from her family and not let them know she's back in the country. I have suggested counselling. In hoping now she's told me everything she'll feel better. Is hard when you don't have people around to confide in or to just mention things to

OP posts:

madisonbridges · 16/11/2021 23:10

Have you checked her visa. If they've only been married for 2 years. If they split, it might be that she can't stay if she's been here less than 3 years. She needs all the facts before she makes any decisions.
She sounds like a lovely dil and a bloody star to me.

NotaCoolMum · 16/11/2021 23:10

@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony

Does your DS have any autistic traits?

Ignore the idiots @ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony- it’s a perfectly valid question x

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/11/2021 23:15

I hope it works out. But practically I think the best thing you can do for her is find out what her status would be here if they were to separate - ie when can she apply for a passport and be safe to stay. And encourage her to get an education / or adapt the training/education she has so she can use it in the UK, and isn't stuck in a minimum wage gig if they do separate. If she's gone through all this she doesn't want to get booted back to India where it sounds like life would be tough.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 23:33

I apologise - you added more context before I posted. I was assuming you were being ableist or at least ignorant - your subsequent posts made it clear that wasn't the case

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 23:47

Think I've been trolled

ItsLittoralViolins · 17/11/2021 00:03

Flipping heck, @Writercat, your DiL gets up at 3am, works in a warehouse such long hours that she doesn't get home till night-time, then cooks meals for the both of them, and she is also learning to drive and is a volunteer park warden.

Is all this to buy the house etc to prepare for the children that your son apparently doesn't want?

ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony · 17/11/2021 11:56

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Think I've been trolled

What? Why? I have to get up at 6AM for work, I wasn't on Mumsnet at 23:33 last night to respond. How to make a thread all about you.

Courtier · 17/11/2021 12:01

I'm confused about why they even got married although you sound lovely and she sounds very very hardworking.

BookFiend4Life · 17/11/2021 14:09

You are a good MIL, could you offer that she come stay with you for a little while just as a vacation for her? It sounds like she could use a little TLC and a hug from "mom" if you know what I mean.

Original poster

Writercat · 17/11/2021 23:36

Son won't let DIL cover down here in her own. Think he's scared she'll want to stay.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 18/11/2021 07:01

I think you are gone go have to tell DIL that you need to talk to DS.

She's in a terrible situation. She's isolated & he is making that worse - no engagement with her, no true relationship, constantly distant.

It sounds like he hasn't the capacity for a meaningful relationship, sadly. At 29, there's not a lot you can do to help him, unfortunately.

I think you need to visit & talk to them both. You ultimately may need to help DIL to leave.

Also - her working hours sound brutal. Why is she working so many hours?

What does your DH say?

I don't think it's an option to do nothing as this is a seriously dysfunctional relationship with severe implications for DIL.

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