Made a mess of everything

[lashington]

I wonder if I am unhinged. I am unable to cope with my life at the moment and don't know where to start to detangle...

I've been married 10 years. I am/was having an affair. It's been going on and off and on and off for about 3 years. He left his wife, not because of me, but I think I was the catalyst if that makes sense. I have not left my husband but have continued the affair. He wanted to be with me, properly. I had a lot of things to sort out - working out what I want, I have 2 small ish children. He has two children that don't live with him. That sort of thing. Me and the affair partner go round in circles, very passionately, very emotively, back and forward, spending the most wonderful times together and then having the most awful arguments, usually via Whatsapp, where tone and thought gets lost. We both miss each other when we're apart. We are currently apart after I pushed him away again because he was unkind to me again. I reached out, he told me that he wasn't in a place to talk to me until after the New Year. I lost it, got all desperate and made a tit of myself.

I feel very lonely in my life without him. My life is horribly busy as it is - full time job, kids, a hobby that takes up my time and makes me tired but is almost essential for my mental health. He got cross that I didn't make time for him. I had very little time but gave him as much as I could. He had an affair before he met me and I am a very suspicious person (probs because I know what I'm capable of). He is similar to me in terms of emotional passion, but I wonder if that creates too much volatility between us. I feel like he is a drug to me.

Is this all sounding like a total shit show so far?

My husband knew that I had an affair but thought it was over a year ago. Nothing really changed as a result of me having an affair. Obviously Covid made it tricky. He is very busy at work, works nearly every evening, and is incapable of multi tasking - so our relationship has suffered/become invisible/pushed down the priority list, after pretty much everything. I care about him very much, but in a sort of platonic way. I don't want to feel like this. I can't think straight. Is the affair love this intense because it isnt real? How do I pull away when I can't stop thinking about him, even though it is destroying me. Could there be a happy conclusion for us, despite everything that's happened? Is this feeling of intense longing something that never sticks around in a long term relationship? Can I start to love my husband again? Where do I go with all of this?

I am prepared for honest responses, but also please be mindful that I am also looking at inpatient mental health facilities as I am not coping.

@lashington
Walk away work on your marriage, the affair is exciting and all that because it's the secret of it all, but when it becomes real life everyday life the excitement will leave. Like he can't talk to your after the new year come on pic what he would be like if it was real life.

Op don't break up your family for this man, you said he had an affair before you, do you really think you will change him nope sorry he will then go on to cheat on you and you will be left out to dry and single, he's not going to change and will always move on to the next best thing.

Your description doesn't make the affair sound exciting or appealing. It sounds shit and exhausting. What do you get out of it? Decent sex I presume, in between the arguments and drama? Anything else at all?

You somehow haven't blown up your marriage, so you haven't made a mess of everything, though it doesn't sound like your husband was hugely bothered about your affair so maybe he's checked out of the marriage as much as you have.

My advice would be to stop chasing "intensity" and "passion" and realise that you can be content without feeling all your feelings at once.

Tbh of sounds like neither man is good for you. The drama of the AP and the unavailable nature of your DH. They both sound like they leave you feeling stressed, and unloved. In the long run, do you think you could walk away from them both?

At the very least, kill off the affair, it doesn't make you happy. Then go to counselling (alone initially) and work out whether you want your marriage to work. If so, honesty and mutually putting the effort in to keep it going is required

I think the affair is escapism from the drudgery of a marriage that has lost its spark and every day life. It's exciting to live a fantasy life in your head about a passionate, carefree existence, but deep down, you know that won't be the reality in the long run. The reality will be tearing your family apart, financial implications, upset and unsettled DC, all for a man who is a serial cheater. It doesn't bode well OP.

He is being very manipulative as well. Saying he can't talk to you until after new year because you weren't available. That screams controlling to me. Seriously you wouldn't want a relationship with him. Get rid of him and focus on yourself.

You say you made a tit of yourself. In what way. It sounds like this OM is the one who is making you unhinged? I mean this kindly as well

I think the relationship dramas are a screen for mental health issues that need to be addressed first. The affair is toxic and he's manipulative. You acknowledge there's an impossibly dysfunction cycle. Few of us could cope with that without getting bogged down but you clearly don't have the emotional resilience for it. As you describe him, your husband is absent and cannot meet your needs. I'm any case, your dishonesty has built a high wall between you.

I would drop the affair immediately, take treatment for mental health and plan to seriously consider the direction of the marriage when you have regained stability. That will involve coming clean to your partner no matter what you do but I think it's a problem for another day.

Lose both of the men and work on yourself.

Wow OP what a post. Its unclear has your affair partner asked you to leave your husband? Is he frustrated with you because he would like more as in moving in together.

You surely know who you prefer the most by now OP. Your husband or the OM.

You can't see it but the OM is utterly toxic and draining your mental and emotional energy, being brave enough to say goodbye to him would remove a ten tonne weight from your shoulders. The rest of your life needs an overhaul and changes need to be made (either in terms of both you and your husband working on your marriage, or divorce and making a new life for yourself) but you can't do any of that while the situation with OM is sucking you dry.

You are continuing in this destructive cycle with OM to avoid the short term pain of letting him go but you are causing yourself, and potentially others, far more pain and damage by not facing up to what you know you must do. I know it will hurt, I really do know but honestly the alternative is so much worse, you just can't see it because you're in the midst of it. You need to save yourself OP, it's as clear as day to anyone on the outside with an ounce of insight, please save yourself

Hang on. He's horrible to you because you're too busy to give him the time he wants, but he's 'linear' and the relationship suffers from his lack of focus.

That's one set of rules for him, and a different set for you, both ascribed by him. Why does he get to be in charge?

Just this little picture in itself is enough, without the rest of the story, to demonstrate perfectly that no, there is no happy ending with him, because he manipulates you, and punishes you when you don't do what he wants.

Can you see how unhealthy this is? People's heads get screwed up when their partner does this sort of stuff too them, without factoring in that this is an affair.

Be kind to yourself by leaving this man. Be kind to your partner by admitting to him that your marriage is over; free him. Then be alone, and work out how to be happy without all this drama feeding your ego. It just sounds like you need some quiet time alone to settle down and remember who you actually are, without all this.

I'm not surprised you're not coping, you have so much going on.
First things first, you need space. OM has said he can't see you until the new year. Agree with him but extend it until spring, delete his contact details and block him everywhere (and I mean everywhere).

It is going to be difficult for you but without the ups and downs of the affair (and the amount of energy it's taking from you), you will be better placed to think, work through your feelings and make a plan.

Once you've done this, you'll probably find it helpful to get counselling and explore what made you have the affair to start with. And from that you can decide if you want to be married.

Right now you're wasting so much time and energy on the affair you can't think straight, and all that energy is being taken away from your marriage, your children, your real life. You need to redress the balance.

I'm very grateful to you all for taking the time to write such considerate replies. I was expecting a kicking, as I well deserve.

In answer to some of the questions, yes our marriage is stale. My husband is a kind and good man, and a brilliant Dad, but spontaneity and passion are probably not things that come easily to him. I am grateful for the stability he provides for me, but it can often seem 'boring'. Perhaps life ultimately is, a lot of the time, particularly with two small children and two full time jobs. We are both tired a lot of the time.

Re the affair guy, he is different to my husband in almost every way - emotional, passionate, outwardly caring, keen to talk, he makes me feel special/important and yes, the sex is really very good.

Yes, he wants me to leave my husband and to be with him. We've talked about what that might look like - him saying that he would be there to support me through the marital break up etc. We've talked a lot.

The "status quo" if you like, has been him wanting to be with me, trying, me trying to establish if he's worth risking basically everything for, almost getting there, then something happens and I get scared.

An example of things that happen would be that he tries to give me an ultimatum about leaving, or a timescale. More recently, I had some awful work stuff on and some hobby stuff that took more time, and he got cross because he thought he was being pushed down my priority list.

I worry that he is all about the chase. That if I say I want to be with him, he will then be all non-bothered.

I read once about the abuse triangle - something along the lines of us never being able to occupy the same space - one of us is always the pursuer, the rescuer or whatever, as soon as I move into the 'ok, love me please' space, he moves off it.

I've messed him around for so long, maybe I can't blame him for being frustrated?

Does this sound at all like love? It's intense and when it's good, it's wonderful, but I'm driving myself mad and am genuinely concerned for my mental stability right now.

I don't think it does sound like love. It sounds like it's great when you're together but in reality it won't be.

@lashington
You say the om is exciting and everything else of course he is, he's a hidden secret and that in its self will be exciting and passionate when yous see each other.

But think if you where to leave your husband and start a life over with the om yous will still have the full time jobs kids so in the long run nothing will change the excitement will go because everything is out in the open.

But in the kindest way possible I think your poor husband deserves better, that's not having a dig I just don't get why anybody would cheat instead of leaving an unhappy relationship before presuming anything else how would you feel if your dh was doing it to you.

Leave both men.

This affair is like poison to you. Block this man completely out of your life and focus on your mental health. Do it for your children, because they are completely lost in all this. I don't think anyone involved is thinking about their best interests.

Ditch the affair. If you need and want to leave your husband, you should do so without any complications as your children will be very confused and distraught for a long time and you will need to focus on them, not on some demanding emotional overload of a man.

How did you find time and energy along with young DC, a job, a home, a busy hobby? Clearly your husband didn't get a look in, but how much time are you spending with DC? How much focus is on them? What are you neglecting that should be central in your life? Your children? your job? Your own mental health? You say the hobby is necessary for your MH. If so, then your MH is fragile and needs lots more attention. It;s so easy to create a distraction to hide from the work we have to do on ourselves.Having an affair is a classic escapist activity.

Simplify your life. Prioritise your children and your own MH and then when you are feeling really stable and strong, decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage.

No one can answer your questions. You want certainties in a very uncertain world you've built for yourself. Life is a gamble, sometimes it pays of, sometimes it doesn't.

At the moment, you want your cake and eat it. The fun, the attention, the passion but also the certainty, the comfort, the reliability.

In the end, you'll either to make a decision or it will be made for you.

If you go for your new man, it could be the best decision ever, a fantastic life with the man you love deeply and despite the hurt, was the right decision. Or it could turn into a disaster, him turning out not to be the man you thought, not liking how he treats your kids, his own kids hating you.

Or you stay in a loveless marriage, always wondering what you're missing, looking for next affair, feeling terrible to have become such a deceiving person, guilt eating you inside, back to wondering whether you should stay or go.

Or you end up with either and you find being in your own is for the beat, to sort yourself out and be free to meet someone with no baggage.

Or you end up on your own, lonely, eaten by regrets, and the errors that you made.

Noone can read your future for you.

Has he given any insight as to why he's had affairs before and why it would be different with you? I can't say much but I know someone like this

OM is a total shit to get involved with a wife and mother, it doesn't matter how passionate and exciting it is, its making you ill and ruining your existing marriage and will continue to damage your kids lives.. End it, move on, recover and get some therapy for yourself. Your kids need you, your husband deserves honesty and loyalty. There is nothing sustainable or functional or safe about this affair, you've told us you are vulnerable, you have mental health problems, so no one can criticise you, but you are doing so much harm and you have a responsibility to your family that you are neglecting.

An affair is exhausting and I don’t think it is helping your mental health. It sounds as though this was almost inevitable in some ways with the current state of your marriage. Can you take some time between now and the new year to get some counselling for yourself to work through this? And also have some relationship counselling with your husband. Even if it doesn’t rescue your marriage, it could make the entire thing much smoother for everyone involved. That way you’ll also be able to move on, knowing that you did try.

The OM will still be there once you’re out the other side if he truly loves you and you are meant to be together.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Has he given any insight as to why he's had affairs before and why it would be different with you? I can't say much but I know someone like this

He says that he was in an unhappy marriage and that it was wrong to do it. He says that he ought never to have married his wife (yes I'm sure that sounds like a 'line').

I honestly think that you need to leave both men and just figure out what you want. You sounds sad and depressed.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Has he given any insight as to why he's had affairs before and why it would be different with you? I can't say much but I know someone like this

And it would be different with me, because he loves me. Since their marriage break up, he's had a bunch of counselling which has apparently made him more emotionally connected to himself and he thinks that we would be able to talk through any issues before it ever got to the cheating stage.

His wife once sent me a message telling me that he was wanting his ego massaged by any woman wanting to give him attention.

I recognise that is awful to read and it's not great to write, but if they were unsuited, maybe that explains it..

I sound so pathetic don't I. I have so much, and I'm risking everything on someone that clearly isn't on my team.

Re the mental health stuff, no one would know I don't have my shit together. All very composed and capable and smily on the surface