Made a mess of everything

[lashington]

I wonder if I am unhinged. I am unable to cope with my life at the moment and don't know where to start to detangle...

I've been married 10 years. I am/was having an affair. It's been going on and off and on and off for about 3 years. He left his wife, not because of me, but I think I was the catalyst if that makes sense. I have not left my husband but have continued the affair. He wanted to be with me, properly. I had a lot of things to sort out - working out what I want, I have 2 small ish children. He has two children that don't live with him. That sort of thing. Me and the affair partner go round in circles, very passionately, very emotively, back and forward, spending the most wonderful times together and then having the most awful arguments, usually via Whatsapp, where tone and thought gets lost. We both miss each other when we're apart. We are currently apart after I pushed him away again because he was unkind to me again. I reached out, he told me that he wasn't in a place to talk to me until after the New Year. I lost it, got all desperate and made a tit of myself.

I feel very lonely in my life without him. My life is horribly busy as it is - full time job, kids, a hobby that takes up my time and makes me tired but is almost essential for my mental health. He got cross that I didn't make time for him. I had very little time but gave him as much as I could. He had an affair before he met me and I am a very suspicious person (probs because I know what I'm capable of). He is similar to me in terms of emotional passion, but I wonder if that creates too much volatility between us. I feel like he is a drug to me.

Is this all sounding like a total shit show so far?

My husband knew that I had an affair but thought it was over a year ago. Nothing really changed as a result of me having an affair. Obviously Covid made it tricky. He is very busy at work, works nearly every evening, and is incapable of multi tasking - so our relationship has suffered/become invisible/pushed down the priority list, after pretty much everything. I care about him very much, but in a sort of platonic way. I don't want to feel like this. I can't think straight. Is the affair love this intense because it isnt real? How do I pull away when I can't stop thinking about him, even though it is destroying me. Could there be a happy conclusion for us, despite everything that's happened? Is this feeling of intense longing something that never sticks around in a long term relationship? Can I start to love my husband again? Where do I go with all of this?

I am prepared for honest responses, but also please be mindful that I am also looking at inpatient mental health facilities as I am not coping.

@YesIamTHATmum

I honestly think that you need to leave both men and just figure out what you want. You sounds sad and depressed.

Speaking from bitter experience op you really don't want to have a mental breakdown. It's hard to climb up again once you hit the bottom of the pit I hope that makes sense Focus on your own mental well-being

That does sound like a line but could also be the truth. However I do agree with PP's who say he shouldn't have started something with you when you were both married. I'd take him up on his not seeing each other until after new year and take some time to either leave your husband or try to work it out with him. As others have said if he truly wants you he will be there after it all. I think he has manipulated your vulnerability somewhat and it sounds familiar to me

Just read your other post. I'm sorry but I don't believe what he is saying. I really think he's telling you what you want to hear. Why was his wife messaging you?

And you are not pathetic. I know what it's like to have your mind twisted

@lunarlandscape

Ditch the affair. If you need and want to leave your husband, you should do so without any complications as your children will be very confused and distraught for a long time and you will need to focus on them, not on some demanding emotional overload of a man.

How did you find time and energy along with young DC, a job, a home, a busy hobby? Clearly your husband didn't get a look in, but how much time are you spending with DC? How much focus is on them? What are you neglecting that should be central in your life? Your children? your job? Your own mental health? You say the hobby is necessary for your MH. If so, then your MH is fragile and needs lots more attention. It;s so easy to create a distraction to hide from the work we have to do on ourselves.Having an affair is a classic escapist activity.

Simplify your life. Prioritise your children and your own MH and then when you are feeling really stable and strong, decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage.

How do I find time? I lie about needing to be in the office (I wfh sometimes), so spend time in the work day. Or I make up going out with friends to spend an evening. I never miss bedtimes, I do nearly all the parenting - my husband is great with them, but I'm the 'chief' if that makes sense. Where I'm probably lacking with them is being emotionally present, rather than physically. I find the kids more annoying these days (try not to show it) and that's because I'm frustrated everywhere.

Simplifying my life sounds good, in theory. I think I am constantly 100mph with everything because then I don't have to think about the total shit show that I've created.

Therapy and a lot of it OP.

There’s a reason you’re addicted to the drama and self sabotage, you need to unpick it all and start building healthy boundaries and behaviours.

Best of luck with the impatient treatment

This situation is really not fair in anyone. Especially your kids. You need to take some time, get some therapy and ditch both men.

Sounds like limerence, which is very common in affairs. So not actually love.

To be honest you should just be honest with your husband as hes the only one that is not a willing participant

I felt really sad reading your messages. It does all sound a complete mess. Please be fair to your husband in all of this. He sounds like a generally upright man- and in all of this, despite not being passionate and emotional, he is the one who is getting the bum end of the deal whilst you get wrapped up in the drama.

Please considering separation- and then work out what is happening with your AP. You're having your cake and eating it... even though the cake sounds like hard work and not particularly palatable.

What's limerance?

Sorry limerence. Genuinely interested

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Sorry limerence. Genuinely interested

Essentially, infatuation. Not based in reality. But it can be addictive and obsessive.

Aah ok. Thank you

I feel so sorry for your husband. He's stuck between s rock and a hard place. Either putting carrying on with a selfish deceitful partner who has no respect for him, or splitting up and having to move into a bedsit and barely see his kids whilst paying most of his disposable income as maintenance for the kids you've taken from him.

This why a) men are reluctant to marry, b) why they usually forgive cheating wives.

I appreciate that my husband deserves better. He does. Re my affair, he recognises that we let our marriage go stale, particularly with regard to intimacy (not just sex but being a couple, rather than just parents/conhabitees/good friends) and that in a way he can understand why I went elsewhere to find what was missing. He wasn't particularly angry (but he's not an emotional person) of course that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I genuinely thought he wouldn't mind that much, as me seeking stuff elsewhere saved me moaning at him that there was no attention/relationship/I was frustrated and lonely.

I would never 'take' the children away from him. We would I suppose find a way to make that work :( it wouldn't be fair to penalise them for my/our failings.

or splitting up and having to move into a bedsit and barely see his kids whilst paying most of his disposable income as maintenance for the kids you've taken from him.

A lot of assumptions in there about his financial situation, where he'd live and how often he'd see his kids...

I think the key here is that you should've addressed your marriage before cheating. I appreciate he holds joint responsibility for the marriage going stale but having an affair is not really an answer.

No sympathy here. Shame on you Be a decent human being and leave your husband and stop with the pity party.

You say he wouldn't have minded but did you say to him ok let's have an open marriage?

You genuinely thought he wouldn't mind that much? Oh its ok, he won't mind, much? This is appalling. What you could've done is talk to him and seek relationship counselling together.instead you started an affair that has ruined everything, but it was ok to do as if you were doing him a favour? Deluded, seriously, you can't justify it as having been helpful for him .

You're living a lie, from nearly every angle. No wonder your mental health is shot. Take control and stop all of this nonsense. The other man adds absolutely nothing to your life. He's your albatross.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

You say he wouldn't have minded but did you say to him ok let's have an open marriage?

I did broach it, but not in a "I want an open relationship" way. I said, for months and months and months, that I was unhappy with how things were. I tried to change stuff within our relationship, I did try. I even (ugh but before I had an affair), said that it's situations like this when people have affairs, when one persons requests/needs are ignored. I basically signposted that I was going to have an affair.

I am not on a pity party, I fully acknowledge that this is all me, my responsibility, my life and all my doing, and it has sucked the absolute joy out of my life. Nothing seems worth it any more. I have made a real mess and I am hoping that the (mostly unanimous) advice on here, from people who don't know me and are more objective, will help me to start seeing the wood for the trees and start to try to sort things out.

I’m sorry but if you were a man on here, pretty much regurgitating nonsense from the cheaters handbook as you are, you’d be torn limb from limb.

Some posters are even managing to turn this all round to some kind of demon affair partner manipulating you, he’s a shit no doubt but you have personal agency and are using it to betray the one decent person in this sorry tale, and your children.

I actually have sympathy, my husband was you. Get yourself into counselling, read into limerance and affair fog, tell your husband and give him his agency back and go no contact with this man.

You could also try the affair recovery videos. They have many many videos and really do help. Read the wayward section on surviving infidelity is another option. But don’t expect it to be easy.

Had you already met OM when you were setting things up to give yourself permission to have an affair?