Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I just a bit too much?

35 replies

DreamFrys · 16/11/2021 10:04

Together since April, see each other/stay over most nights. Sometimes all week.

We’ve gone to the cinema once. Eaten out a lot. Never met his family or friends though they know about us and vice versa with my family and friends. Gone for lots of walks. Had 11 full days out together in total (think walk, zoo, to a city for the day, etc), all of which were organised by me, though he was happy to pay when we got to places and seemed to have a great time.

It’s like walking through treacle trying to progress the relationship. Last night I said to him that practically living together doesn’t mean we are progressing as we don’t do much couple stuff together. He didn’t seem to get this. I’ve asked him to come to a wedding with me, go away for a few nights, meet my family and he says he wants to and then it never gets arranged/he doesn’t take time off work. Annoyingly he doesn’t update me either, so I’ll raise it and then hear nothing back. My friend is getting married in January and I still don’t know if he’s coming with me!!

I really enjoy just being with him and I don’t need daily entertainment but I an starting to feel like we don’t share much together despite being physically together a lot. When i said this to him he said he spends all his time outside work with me which is largely true but not the point. I want to plan nice things with him! I want him to see my friends and get a flight to france and stay with my parents together. He’s become really moody since I’ve raised it and so now I feel a bit like a clingy child needing attention which doesn’t feel great.

I do a lot with friends so it’s only recently struck me how much this bothers me. I want me and him to have quality time together too. He doesn’t have social anxiety or anything like that so it isn’t that.

OP posts:
Zarene · 16/11/2021 10:09

I'm sorry, you do sound a bit intense. You're spending all your non- working time together, and you're counting (?!?) how many days out you've had.

I don't think it's about 'progression your relationship', it's about howling want to spend your time and how organised you are. Maybe he's not that dissed about trips to the zoo, but will happily go along with it if you want to?

DreamFrys · 16/11/2021 10:13

@Zarene

I'm sorry, you do sound a bit intense. You're spending all your non- working time together, and you're counting (?!?) how many days out you've had.

I don't think it's about 'progression your relationship', it's about howling want to spend your time and how organised you are. Maybe he's not that dissed about trips to the zoo, but will happily go along with it if you want to?

@Zarene I’ve only counted this morning when I started questioning our time together! I don’t have a tally 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yeah maybe he’s not fussed with days out at all, it just seems like minimal effort

OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 16/11/2021 10:13

So he’s happy to have you there for company as long as he doesn’t have to put any effort in.
Wanting a bit of effort isn’t too much to ask, and if it’s not there at this point, it’s definitely not going to be there further down the line unfortunately.

DreamFrys · 16/11/2021 10:16

@GemmaRuby

So he’s happy to have you there for company as long as he doesn’t have to put any effort in. Wanting a bit of effort isn’t too much to ask, and if it’s not there at this point, it’s definitely not going to be there further down the line unfortunately.
@GemmaRuby he will often book a restaurant last minute but he’s just not seeming bothered or excited about doing anything as a couple. It’s hard to explain as I love being with him but I almost feel like we are roommates rather than him wanting to get involved in my life and know my family and friends etc.
OP posts:
DreamFrys · 16/11/2021 10:16

In past relationships I’ve felt a lot closer to someone even when not with them most days. It just felt closer and like they were more interested in me and the relationship

OP posts:
niceupthedanceagain · 16/11/2021 10:16

The number of times I've read this same thread/story makes you seem very intense

Shitapillar · 16/11/2021 10:17

She's not too intense at all. He seems to spend a lot of time with her but make bugger all effort to do anything.
OP this fella just wants someone to kip with and spend time with but fuck all else really. This is how your relationship is going to be and if you question it he's going to stonewall you and make you feel bad. He's getting what he wants from this but I doubt you are. If you want a life with someone, want to travel with someone and do actual stuff with that you both plan and look forward to then he isn't the one for you.

TheFoundations · 16/11/2021 10:17

I have a genuine question for you, and it might be useful for you to give an answer:

Who do you think makes the rules/guidelines about how 'much' you're supposed to be?

Pumpkinsonparade · 16/11/2021 10:17

Back away. If he doesn't bother sadly he just isn't that into you..

gannett · 16/11/2021 10:21

Sounds like he's a homebody and you're not. Might just be incompatibility depending on how much that bothers you. You don't seem to think time spent with him in the house is quality time.

Eating out and long walks probably constitute the majority of my "couple time" outside the house with DP!

Casmama · 16/11/2021 10:21

I itu ally I thought you sounded a bit intense but actually refusing to give you an answer about attending a wedding at this stage is really shitty. It sounds like you can't rely on him and want different things in terms of a relationship.
It may be that he doesn't see you as a long term proposition or maybe he is just lazy but either way I think it is unlikely to improve.
Perhaps worth one last cards on the table chat but don't keep going round in circles- you deserve better

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/11/2021 10:23

I think you might have different personalities and different wishes in terms of how the relationship should work. I don't think either of you is necessarily in the wrong, but if you are someone who loves to plan and schedule and to integrate your DP with your friends and family, whereas he is someone who prefers low key stuff not scheduled in advance, and wants to be with you but doesn't want to spend masses of his free time with your family and friends...you may not be on the same page.

baileys6904 · 16/11/2021 10:25

You've been together 6 months. How much progression do you want?

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 10:30

This is who he is.

He wants things to stay like this.

Is he spending all this time at yours?

After 6 months only?

Far too much time together.

The fact that he is moody is telling.

Stop being so available.

He sounds like he may be just passing time with you.

You are far too available.

TheFoundations · 16/11/2021 10:30

@baileys6904

You've been together 6 months. How much progression do you want?
OP has clearly stated this:

I want to plan nice things with him! I want him to see my friends and get a flight to france and stay with my parents together

TheFoundations · 16/11/2021 10:32

You are far too available

Too available according to what rules? How available should OP be? And why?

TeeBee · 16/11/2021 11:30

I just think you want different things out of the relationship. No right or wrong. I'd find every day together waaaay too much. I've been with my partner 2.5 years but I'd find that too much. But that's what you want and that's okay. But find someone who wants similar otherwise you'll always be battling with each other.

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 16/11/2021 12:00

The point here is you are not happy with what he is offering. The relationship is very convenient for him - you make all the effort, he goes along with it… Anything that requires effort from him - go with you to see your parents, to your friend’s wedding - he’s noncommittal and sulks if pushed. Do you really want this for your life? Hmm

Cavagirl · 16/11/2021 12:08

Never met his family or friends though they know about us and vice versa with my family and friends.
Sorry but after 6 months this is odd.
What happens when you try to invite him out with your friends?

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 12:18

You sound incompatible. He obviously likes being with you or he wouldn't spend all his non-working time with you. But he's happy to be a homebody, and you want to be doing 'couples' stuff. Surely spending time together one on one is also classed as couples stuff?

Either way, if you're not happy with the relationship then rather than trying to change who he is to suit your needs, go find someone who's more like you. Not everyone likes all the days away and whatnot. And as for meeting family/friends, I never realised there were set rules for when that needs to happen. My exh met mine when they popped to my house for a coffee and he was there. No big introduction, no pressure.

HireStarter · 16/11/2021 12:29

I would say trust your instincts, even if you can't rationalise them.

It sounds like somethings off. Like you're missing the emotional connection. Don't settle, it won't work well in the future. If you're doubting things now then I think you probably always will which is a bit sad.

Have a good chat over it. Explain that it's important for you. If he doesn't embrace it, then break up and find someone who wants the same things.

Don't be embarrassed to have your own wants, even if they're hard to explain or aren't the same as others. We don't all look for the same qualities!

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 16/11/2021 12:46

This seems so similar to at least two other threads posted here recently - have you posted about this before, @DreamFrys?

Pinkdelight3 · 16/11/2021 12:51

It sounds like too much hard work. Not you, but the relationship. As PPs say, you're incompatible. He's not wrong to not want to fly off to France to see your parents. It's fine to just want to hang out together and it's still early days. But that's not what you want and that's not wrong either. You won't change him into being the kind of guy you want. It's clear who he is and it's annoying you already. Better for you both to find someone who's a better fit.

Vapeyvapevape · 16/11/2021 12:54

Not getting back to you regarding the wedding is very unfair on not just you but the bride and groom.
I doubt he’ll change and as someone on another thread said - this is the time that you decide whether someone is right for you, not the time to see if you can change them .

RaininSummer · 16/11/2021 13:06

Maybe he just isn't a person who is into going out. Does he go out with his friends?