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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to let ex have DC?I can't cope at the moment..

37 replies

onmyownagain92 · 16/11/2021 09:28

Relationship has come to an end I'm absolutely gutted we are due to get married next week. So I am having to cancel everything today and loose everything. I've just handed my notice in at work with immediate resignation. I'm 6 months pregnant and we already have one DC together.

EX wants to stay in the house but we keep arguing and it gets nasty so I have told him
He will have to go. He will have to go stay at his mums but it is an hour away.

I really feel like I can't manage with DC and taking him to school and just caring for him. I feel too sad to do anything. I've been ill throughout my pregnancy I've only been able to work full time because I've had OH doing everything else.

I don't know what to do Sad I really feel like a failure as a mum.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 09:31

If your ex is a capable parent, not abusive, then yes absolutely.

Do what you need to do right now to survive.

Monalotmoore · 16/11/2021 09:36

I know this is the worst life can feel right now but you have more inner strength than you realise. When life has you at your lowest ebb somehow, you find just that little more strength inside to carry on. You survive because you have to for the children. Have you anyone you can talk to?

layladomino · 16/11/2021 09:36

Was it a mutual decision to split?
You say that you're having to cancel everything - but the workload of cancelling the wedding should be shared by both of you (if it was a mutual decision).
When you say it gets nasty, what do you mean? Are you and the children safe?
It's normal to feel overwhelmed right now, but try to take things one step at a time. You will want to minimise any upset / disruption for them. Can you and your ex at least agree on that? Then come up with a plan together which delivers what's best for your DC?

layladomino · 16/11/2021 09:37
  • You will want to minimise any upset...for them.. I meant for DC.
Original poster
onmyownagain92 · 16/11/2021 09:45

My mum is up the road I need to tell her but I feel embarrassed. She moved up here to be closer to us and everything has fell apart. She has an appointment booked tomorrow to get her hair done for the wedding so know I need to tell her I just can't stop crying.

EX has cancelled the reception I just need to do the church but I feel like I just can't do it.

He is nasty with his words he has completely changed these past few weeks he doesn't care what he says he just wants to hurt me and I feel so vulnerable.

He says it's all me it's my hormones but I don't feel like it is he has changed.

OP posts:
ArthurApples · 16/11/2021 09:48

Tell your midwife what is happening, tell your mum.

Ricetwisty · 16/11/2021 09:50

Why have you handed your notice in at work?

Universeandeverything · 16/11/2021 09:52

Don’t give up your job. Can you have some leave/get signed off due to stress?

Babyg1995 · 16/11/2021 09:52

Why have you gave up your Job ? How will you manage financially now with 2dc ? .

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 09:57

It feels impossible to cope right now because he's there and you're in the full agony of it. You need to give yourself time.

Tell your Mom, and ask him to go. Is his Mom reasonable? If so tell her too and tell her you need him to leave too because of the children.

If you hand DS over, you might not get him back. Are you OK with him having primary custody of one and you the other?

Monalotmoore · 16/11/2021 09:58

Once you tell your mum everything it will get easier. Lean on her for support. I'm sure she wouldn't want for you to feel that embarrassed that you couldn't turn to her at your most distressed. It's going to be hard to break it to her but try not to leave it too much longer. It won't always feel like this x

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 09:58

If you hand DS over, you might not get him back. Are you OK with him having primary custody of one and you the other?

This. Also have you considered how your DS might feel knowing you're pregnant with his sibling but passing him on to your exp? That would be very hard for a child to comprehend.

Original poster
onmyownagain92 · 16/11/2021 10:00

It won't work with hours of DC and school times and I haven't been well throughout my pregnancy. I won't be able to manage and I know I won't.

I know I can apply for maternity allowance soon and some other benefits and my rent is cheap so I will manage.

In my head I just know I won't be able to do it so I don't see the point in prolonging it. I feel like I just need to get over this relationship and focus on DC and unborn baby I don't want anything else to think about.

OP posts:
ABCDEF1234 · 16/11/2021 10:10

Surely leaving your job will make things harder, do you not need the income?

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 10:46

@ABCDEF1234

Surely leaving your job will make things harder, do you not need the income?
OP has stated that she'll manage. Right now she needs to focus on her pregnancy and her child, get the ex out of the house, and get back on her feet emotionally. Benefits are there to help her do this. OP have that convo with your mum sooner rather than later. I remember well how devastated I was having to cancel my wedding 6 weeks before it was due to happen, contacting people to tell them it was off. I had a 2yo DD and was pregnant with DS. But it needs to be done before you can start thinking about the future. You've got this.
SaltyPepper · 16/11/2021 10:59

Why did you split?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 11:16

OK if he's nasty then don't let him have the dc.

Your mum is local - I know it feels really hard but can you ring her now? If you were my dd I'd want to come and give you a cuddle

NeedsCharging · 16/11/2021 11:24

What an awful situation OP!

Can you retract your resignation?
You are 6 months pregnant you can take sick leave and start your mat leave at the earliest opportunity. I honestly don't think quitting your job was the best decision.

If you send to children to be with their father what about school as you said he will be an hour away?

pickingdaisies · 16/11/2021 11:29

Call your mum right now, ask her to come over, and tell her. You don't have to figure this out on your own. Heck, she moved to be near you, she'd be mortified if she thought you couldn't tell her this! I'd come and hug you myself if I could.

Original poster
onmyownagain92 · 16/11/2021 11:32

No it's the best thing for me to do, I will manage with my savings until I get any benefits/ maternity allowance.

I'm ok now I've decided il keep DS with me, I've just got on a bus for the first time in years I won't let him control me with the car anymore.

He is back at the house packing up, i will be ok! I have cancelled the church I just need to send it in writing now and will go see my mum tonight.

I can't sit around crying anymore.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 11:35

Well done, OP. You've made the right decision for your and your DC. That's such a positive update.

NeedsCharging · 16/11/2021 12:56

I will manage with my savings until I get any benefits/ maternity allowance

It's great you have savings as the benefits you will get are unlikely to be enough.

If you claim maternity allowance and UC it will work out potentially as follows.

MA £151 pw
UC
Personally allowance if over 25 £324 pm
1st child £237 if born after 04/17
2nd child £237.08

Housing element which is paid at the local authority amounts. So for example if your LA charge £420 pm for a 2 bed house then UC will only pay £420pm even if your private rent is £600pm so you will have to top up your rent.

UC is not paid for 5 weeks but you can ask for an advancement which you will pay back monthly.
From your monthly award you will have your MA of £604 deducted.

I apologise if you know all of this already OPand it's still workable for you. I am just worried that you have made a rash decision in quitting your job and assume benefits will be enough to live on.

Daisydolly1986 · 16/11/2021 13:13

Sorry you are going through a hard time.

Do not allow your DC to live with your ex. If he is horrible with his words, and horrible to you, he will 100% use your child against you. He will use your child as an excuse to continue horrible behaviour towards you.

My advice is to suck it up and keep your DC with you, even if you feel poorly. This will pass, but attempting to co-parent with a horrible person who has residency of your child is a whole other world.

TurnUpTurnip · 16/11/2021 13:22

I have 4 and I’m on my own, my ex isn’t involved at all and my mum doesn’t help with childcare so you will cope even if you think you won’t right now, you can’t give him your DC as you won’t get him back if you do and then you will be the NRP. Fine if that’s what you want but not if you are planning on it being temporary? Sounds like you have support from your mum so you won’t be fully alone.

SaltyPepper · 16/11/2021 14:34

I’m confused? Did the ex get nasty with his words before or after the breakup before the wedding. What I’m asking is - was that the reason for the breakup or something that followed it?