Pregnant and husband having an affair

[anonmama]

Hi

I am coming on for a bit of advice. I haven't been able to tell anyone as I'm too ashamed. I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant and have a 8 year old daughter.

My husband of 10 years has been having an affair for the last 3 months where he has been booking hotels and meeting up for sex and dinners. I've found loads of videos of him that he sent her.

Anyway I found out 3 weeks ago snd he was so apologetic and begged and said that he would do anything to make things right.

2 weeks later he is going out ti 4am being disrespectful saying he doesn't want to talk about things. Anyway I've messaged her on his fb pretending to be him and found out more hotel dates that he had gone on. I just don't know why he didn't tell the truth.

Naively I love him still and always will. I want the perfect family for my daughter and our future child but I just don't know how to
Overcome this and whether it's even feasible to overcome this or just accept it's over and move on.

I'm worried financially how I would cope and what would happen to the house.

Any help or guidance would be great. I haven't told any family or friends as I'm so ashamed and know that once they know there is no going back.

The best way to come out of this with him, is also the best way to get over him and move on by yourself. Don't beg - deeply off-putting, in fact, in the long run, whichever way it pans out, asking him to leave and give you space is your best bet here.
He will have more respect for you if you appear strong - fake it till you make it - and you may actually realise during the process that you don't need him. Ask solicitor advice, it's good you are married, you have more financial protection with that. You are entitled to half the assets as a minimum, and possibly more.
Basically, he's been such a twat that the only way to get through to him will be to boot him out and start divorce proceedings, you can still reconcile at any point - I don't recommend it. Show him you mean business, no matter how weak you might be feeling inside.

It's not going to be a perfect family if he's behaving like this.
That's on him. Has he even ended the affair?
How did you find out and did he continue to lie?

What an awful situation to be in. He's cruel isn't he?

You are hurt and you love him and have built a life with him but he has let you down badly and you need to get angry.

See a solicitor and find out where you stand. Then start deciding what to do. One thing you can not do is to stay with this man, but you do not need to do anything drastic yet.
Have Christmas with your daughter then do something. Do not have him back under any circumstances.

Thank you. I feel so overwhelmed and have a sense of duty that my daughter deserves more even at the detriment of my happiness. She was very poorly as a child (cancer) and I just wanted to give her the perfect family.

My husband claimed he didn't want the new baby yet we had been having unprotected sex for 12 months before falling pregnant and he thinks I've trapped him. He blames me for the affair and said because I kept the baby his head was all over the place.

I found emails of hotels and questioned him. He denied it at first. Then I chucked him
Out and the next day he admitted it

He had the affair. He is the one to blame. You need to remember this and not listen to anything he says.
If you have chucked him out then do not let him back. Change the locks.

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry.

What your daughter really needs is to grow up with a Mum who values herself. That way she will grow up learning to do the same.

I let him back for the sake of my daughter as I could tell she was questioning things. He seemed to be making such an effort. He hasn't contacted the lady but from my fb exchanges pretending to be here it looks like she's moving and will be much closer to us.

I love him and want the family unit I've always dreamt about but just don't know if I'm
Being naïve.

When I initially found out and kicked him out he said he would need to rent somewhere but obv couldn't give me as much money as he currently gives to help with the mortgage. I feel like I will be unable to pay the bills and mortgage on statutory maternity pay so feel a bit stuck.

You need to get advice and find out where you stand financially. As far as the rest of it goes its a damp squib and you need to move on from him

time to rally the troops, family and friends. organize the financials and go your separate ways. he already has.
he's chosen her, and if not her forever, it will be someone else.
you'll need an sti check so tell your midwife/dr.
it will not be easy but once the floodgates of infidelity are open your relationship will never be the same.

There's no such thing as a perfect family.

Your husband is a turd and you need to end it. He can go and live with her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and huge congrats that your daughter is now well. My son had 3.5 years of ALL when he was young...and has never known his father who left years ago. As Grover Washington says, it's 'just the two of us' but we are a formidable team and definitely a very happy family.

Get him out of your life, concentrate on your pregnancy and daughter.

Tell him to leave. Immediately. Solicitor. Get divorce proceedings rolling. If you have joint savings take out half and put them into a separate account in your name only. Grey rock face. It's very hard but not as hard as getting a child through cancer. If you've done that you can pretty much face anything.

I get legal advice and tell him that your getting a divorce. I would say to him that you gave him a chance to be honest with you but you know he has continued to meet her and show him proof of this.
I also tell him that due to what his done your not going to be left bring up 2 children on your own so you have decided to get an abortion.
My advice is not to continue with this pregnancy as you be left with 2 children on your own. I know you want the prefect family for your daughter but this is not it. He does not want to be in a relationship with you any longer. He is treating you terribly. You and your daughter deserve better than him. If you have another child your just making your own life more difficult especially if you try to stay with him. Your daughter will pick up on things not been good between you and it not good for her to see you stay with him.

I know it a horrible situation to be in but this is not your fault. You need to put you and your daughter first now.

I've messaged her on his fb pretending to be him

He hasn't contacted the lady but from my fb exchanges pretending to be here it looks like she's moving and will be much closer to us.

Stop doing this. Stay or go, but stop this.

OP, this Low-Life couldn’t care less about you and your children.

*He has risked your and your baby’s health.
*He emotionally abuses you by blaming your pregnancy for his affair and accusing you of trapping him when he happily had unprotected sex for 12 months.
*He financially abuses you by spending family money on hotels and meals for his sleazy cheating.
*He begged and promised but now treats you with contempt after you allowed him back by staying out until 4 a.m., dismissing your feelings, and refusing to discuss your concerns.

This is not the behavior of a remorseful man who accepts responsibility for his infidelity and wants to rebuild trust/help you heal. He will continue cheating with this or another OW. Staying with him and perpetually living with anxiety is untenable.

Please realize that this faithless man is a terrible father. Look how he has trashed his family for cheap thrills and continues to wreak havoc. Your daughter doesn’t know what is best for her. She and her sibling will be damaged in this emotionally unsafe home and will be learning a unhealthy relationship model.

This is all on him and his selfish, unethical choices. I would strongly advise you to show him the door for good and establish a workable co-parenting relationship. Tell trusted family/friends and consider individual counseling for support.

I am not a ltb poster. I stayed after an affair.

But, this man has absolutely zero remorse. He’s not even pretending to care about you and the children. He’s blaming you for HIS abuse of you. Cheating while you are pregnant doesn’t just put you at risk it puts your unborn baby at risk, that’s just nasty.

You need self care first, drink water, eat, rest as much as possible, get into counselling if you can as you will be traumatised and unable to think straight.

You’ll need to do STD tests. When you’re ready you can seek legal advice. This will help you draw up a plan to leave if you choose too.

I suggest reading ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it’s a great book which will help you unpick why he has done this AND how his actions are nothing to do with you and your marriage but rooted in his sense of entitlement and selfishness,

Go onto surviving infidelity website and read about the 180. This will help you distance yourself emotionally and gain some much needed perspective.

Please internalise the message that none of this is your fault. Or the fault of your marriage. Don’t let him get away with blame shifting.

Don’t let him rugsweep this for convenience in a few months time when the baby arrives.

I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain.

Your life will be 100% better without this bastard

Your children will NOT benefit from you staying in an unhappy insecure emotionally damaging relationship

Allow your daughter to see a strong independent happy mum and see her thrive - material goods are irrelevant-

Or - stay and live a life of unhappiness while he does what ever he wants , some people do stay after an affair , most would find that totally impossible

It's up to you ?

@hazelgrey

Your life will be 100% better without this bastard

Your children will NOT benefit from you staying in an unhappy insecure emotionally damaging relationship

Allow your daughter to see a strong independent happy mum and see her thrive - material goods are irrelevant-

Or - stay and live a life of unhappiness while he does what ever he wants , some people do stay after an affair , most would find that totally impossible

It's up to you ?

Hazelgrey is right.

You will not have the "Perfect family" even if he comes back. You can never "unknow" what you know and you can never fully trust him again.
His behaviour is NOT your fault.
Your Perfect Family can be you, DD, and Baby.

Oh Honey… you are dependent on him. You can’t possibly love someone who has allowed you to think that treating the mother of those beautiful children that badly is okay. Also, as for ALWAYS loving him, I promise you with every single cell in my body that this is not true. He is going to continue to lie to you. He will blame-shift and have you thinking that this is all your fault. The fact that YOU are feeling guilty because he has been fucking someone else is showing that this is already working. He chose to do this. His decision. You need to tell everyone now that he IS cheating on you. Your friends. His friends. Both families. Say that he has lied to you, that he insisted on unprotected sex, etc and is now blaming you for falling pregnant, etc….
This is not you…

Be aware that he will do everything to protect his “reputation” as a good guy and avoid feeling guilty because men don’t like feeling bad about themselves. He will get angry and at first try and make you feel sorry for him, then sad and guilty. Then he will get angry and scare you. You need to trawl through these threads and find “The Script” because he’s showing that he’s sticking to this already and well ahead of you. If you know what to expect, you can prepare and protect yourself.

He is liar and a cheat. There is nothing perfect about that

You’ve found out you can’t trust him. He’s okay with lying to your face. He doesn’t even seem sorry, and he’s blaming you for his actions.

I really don’t see this as salvageable. I agree with other posters, you need to get some advice on how to protect yourself financially.
Ask yourself what you’d want your daughter to do, if she was in the same situation in the future. I think it’s better that she doesn’t learn to stay with someone who treats their wife like this.

You have nothing to be ashamed of! Please tell your family and friends so they can support you.

There's no such thing as a perfect family, but would it help to think of it in terms of role modelling for your daughter - what behaviour do you want her to see and absorb? How do you want her to be treated in a relationship? If this was your adult DD what advice would you be giving her?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed off. I’m sorry your dealing with this. Please tell your family and seek support.,
You will be ok.

In your OP you say twice that you are 'so ashamed'. Why? why should you be the one to feel shame? he's the complete arse, not you. The only thing you should feel any shame about is why you ever trusted this scrote in the first place.

Solicitor. Be steady and careful. Don't get angry, get even and get what's due.

Thanks so much for everyone's kind comments. You have given me the strength to change my mindset and not to take myself for granted.

Yes, you need to accept it's over and move on.

Go and talk to a solicitor. You will find out what the options are wrt the house and financial support.

I'm afraid you don't have the choice of deciding to pursue the 'perfect family' option. Your husband is unfaithful, untrustworthy, disrespectful, blames you for his affair. That makes him a poor husband. You can't change who he is.

One of the best gifts we can give our children is to show them what a good relationship is. And show them what to do when someone treats you badly.... you don't hang around for more. You gather up all your self respect and move on. You make a better life without them.