Pregnant and husband having an affair

[anonmama]

Hi

I am coming on for a bit of advice. I haven't been able to tell anyone as I'm too ashamed. I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant and have a 8 year old daughter.

My husband of 10 years has been having an affair for the last 3 months where he has been booking hotels and meeting up for sex and dinners. I've found loads of videos of him that he sent her.

Anyway I found out 3 weeks ago snd he was so apologetic and begged and said that he would do anything to make things right.

2 weeks later he is going out ti 4am being disrespectful saying he doesn't want to talk about things. Anyway I've messaged her on his fb pretending to be him and found out more hotel dates that he had gone on. I just don't know why he didn't tell the truth.

Naively I love him still and always will. I want the perfect family for my daughter and our future child but I just don't know how to
Overcome this and whether it's even feasible to overcome this or just accept it's over and move on.

I'm worried financially how I would cope and what would happen to the house.

Any help or guidance would be great. I haven't told any family or friends as I'm so ashamed and know that once they know there is no going back.

Leave him at least for now I have so many friends who tell me as adults they don’t respect there mothers because of the crap they grew up watching them put up with from there fathers , he sounds selfish and cruel , I’ve been where you are and men who take advantage like this when you are vulnerable (pregnant) are seriously not going to change over night , please don’t give him an easy ride because your embarrassed to tell people or because you want a nice life for your daughter , what if your daughter was 7 and he did this and she over heard it all ? You both deserve better don’t let her grow up in this tension massive hugs to you xx

"Yes, you need to accept it's over and move on.

Go and talk to a solicitor. You will find out what the options are wrt the house and financial support."

This.

And this:

"I'm afraid you don't have the choice of deciding to pursue the 'perfect family' option. Your husband is unfaithful, untrustworthy, disrespectful, blames you for his affair. That makes him a poor husband. You can't change who he is.

One of the best gifts we can give our children is to show them what a good relationship is. And show them what to do when someone treats you badly.... you don't hang around for more. You gather up all your self respect and move on. You make a better life without them."

There are no perfect families but you can't even have a decent family set-up with this man - you can only have a dysfunctional one because of who he is.

And as @Lora88 says, if he can behave like this when you're pregnant with his child and basically at your most vulnerable, then he will have no difficulty at all having affairs in the future. He sounds fully committed to this affair - spending family money on dinners and hotel rooms; sending each other pictures and videos. The extent of it makes me wonder if he has done it before - there's a kind of hideous, brazen confidence about it that suggests he's had practice. He cries and begs to come back and then 2 weeks later, he's doing it again. You ask why he didn't tell you the truth - that's because he's a cheat and all cheats are liars. It comes with the territory. You should not be ashamed. This is 100% on him. He should be dreadfully ashamed but doesn't seem capable of it.

You need to leave him behind.

Awful situation to be going through. Time to bin him and move on.

I know this might be a long shot, but do you think he maybe had to be so strong throughout your daughters' cancer that he couldn't process it, and now you are expecting another baby, he might be terrified as it brings it all back and so many worries and fears.

In my experience men often don't feel they can express feelings (our stupid society, 'boys don't cry' etc....)
and so they get suppressed. Then when stress gets too much they fight or flight.... do something to sabotage things so they don't have to face it. Just wondered if it could be linked to that somehow and maybe counselling /couple counselling might help. I'm sure others will have other opinions and he might just be a knob! This is just a thought. Hope you are ok

Does this woman know he’s married with kids?

You're pregnant with his child, he has a young daughter and he decided to have an affair that he has gone to the trouble of arranging hotels to start.
If he had an ounce of respect and love for you, your daughter or unborn he would not have done this to his family.
Stop thinking of the dream family as this spinless man will always be shattering your dreams in the future.
Time to show him the door and move on. Surely if he had enough money for frequent hotel rendezvous then he'll have enough for rent.
You can't go through life with an undependable cheat that will do nothing to your mental well being or show your daughter how she should expect to be treated in a relationship.
Get your paperwork together and start proceedings.