DH and EA. What is to be done?

[smellyolebum]

Been together with DH for many decades with one grown and independent DC. Generally, have a good supportive relationship – and he has always totally shared the load. However, DH is not very sociable. Shortly after we got together he stopped seeing his old friends (because he had me) and was not too bothered with seeing my friends. I carried on with my own social life and he got most of his social needs met at work.

Fast forward to DH retiring, work friends were just that, thus he was left with no social life. So, I set up a regular social event from my networks in order to include him and this was very successful. However, just before the Pandemic, I realised he was involved in an EA with one of the women in the group (saw them fucking holding hands). I told him if it did not stop NOW our marriage was over. It stopped. But there was quite a fall out in my friendship network that has been hurtful and damaging for me.

That particular social event stopped abruptly due to the Pandemic. Now, however, DH is asking me to set it up again. I feel reluctant to do this. I just felt so fucking used by them both last time and I do not entirely trust that the EA won’t take off again (she is one charismatic and attractive fucker). On the other hand, DH has no social life. I do love him and I don’t want him to be lonely as this is bad for his mental and physical health and in these challenging times it is a hard thing to get a social life going. WWYD?

I’d tell him to ‘go f**k himself’

The cheek!

Set up your own social life, life it, love it and let him know he’s bloody lucky to have you.

I thought an emotional affair was where a couple flirted and shared intimate thoughts etc.

Isn't hand holding more than an emotional affair. And how do you know it stopped at hand holding?

Also, where did you see them holding hands? The reason for asking is that this could give a clue as to what else your DH may have been up to!

All I would add to the other replies is how do you know it was only an emotional affair?

You're considering setting up the same scenario where he had an EA (hand holding goes beyond that) because you don't want him being lonely?
Give him am inch, he takes a mile. No chance.

Tell him to buy a road bike or some golf clubs then use Google to find the nearest club.

He will have a hobby and a social life plus become a bore in the process.

Hopefully he then won't start an affair with any of the men he's interacting with.

When challenged, he minimised - actually said (cringe) she led him on.

When you organized this social event, he used it as an opportunity to cheat and make a public mockery of you with your ‘friend.’ How dare he pretend that he had no agency in his decision to humiliate you.

And now he wants you to engineer round 2??

Has he actually made any effort to examine/work on his character flaws that enabled him to choose disloyalty and infidelity? He seems totally remorseless.

You should absolutely not feel embarrassed. You saw your DH was struggling and chose to include him in your social group.
If there’s any embarrassment to be felt it should be your DH and your friend (who I hope is no longer a friend) . To catch them holding hands is so ridiculously disrespectful and says a lot about the type of people they are.
I am struggling to understand how he has the nerve to ask you to set another one up. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that as he’s a adult, and bearing in mind his pathetic,disappointing behaviour last time, including him in your social circle is no longer an option for you.
Let him find his own hobbies, you are not responsible for his mental and emotional well being, that’s on him. He sounds like a total wet lettuce

@AllyBama

Wait so you’re still friends with HER? I see you’ve obviously come around to not making social arrangements as he’s asked but was the original proposal to start things up again… with her in the mix?

Sorry, I’m not trying to stick the boot in, I know you’ve seen the light (thank god!) but can I also suggest that even if your husband doesn’t participate in future social activities as planned, you really don’t need to include that bitch either!

I wondered the same. Not for a minute suggesting you should do this but surely if you were to, hypothetically, she'd not be involved anyway. You said they're was a big fallout.

Now, however, DH is asking me to set it up again. I feel reluctant to do this.

Seriously?

Dh says "I'd like you to set up that social thing with your friends like you did before"

You say "I'm not your social secretary and while we are on the subject I'm not your procuress either - we need to talk about how utterly you betrayed me last time I let you into my social group you fucker."

and lose that woman from your friend group. She is not your friend.

Why is he so interested in setting up the group again? Is it for the social activity, or to meet up with her again? Would it automatically have included her again?

Do not set the group up again. Christmas is the ideal opportunity to organise a different social activity - book him some golf lesson for example?

Nope
Why on earth would you facilitate that? So he can go off with her again?! Tell him to find his own amusement if you’re set on staying with the cheat

@AllyBama@ I am not friends with the EA woman though I see her around as our social groups overlap. DH does not mention her now - I gave him a bad fright at the time.

People always say on here that once the trust is gone you can't get it back. DH has destroyed my trust for the sake of a feeble EA conducted under my nose.

I think some people do get over affairs (whether EA or physical) but this does not happen without deep remorse and some open difficult conversations. It does not happen when one party minimises, deflects and ignores the pain they have caused their partner. For me trust takes a lifetime to build and a second to break. What do you want from your retirement op? If his disrespectful behaviour means you will be constantly worrying you have to police his shitty behaviour then it's time to cut loose perhaps?

Well, he sounds like an asshat!!!!! I don’t agree with those asking was it “just” hand holding….firstly, that’s fucking bad enough and secondly, it sounds like he wouldn’t have been anywhere without you where it could have progressed further?
He sounds like he has very limited emotional intelligence. To ask YOU to set it up so he can see her again really demonstrates this. But, if he wanted to see her, he could have been sneaky about it and it doesn’t sound like he has been?
Tell him that you will NOT be making any further social arrangements on his behalf, as a direct result of his shithead behaviour. If that means he’s sad and lonely, big tough shit. He made you feel sad and lonely (at best) by behaving like a selfish, entitled prick. And as for your “friend” she can fuck off, then fuck off some more. Any kind of affair is awful, but those which involve friends or relatives must be the worst! Time to put yourself first here OP xx

What did the woman say when you asked her why she was holding hands with YOUR husband?

Your husband sounds like a child. And not a very nice one.

Call me old fashioned but I don’t really see the difference between an EA and an affair. You can never be sure they haven’t been intimate in an EA I think it’s just minimising it to be honest.

It must have been a terrible shock for you to find them holding hands and I’m sorry there has been a fall out amongst your group over their behaviour.
People take sides and it is not what you would expect to happen.
I’m just so sorry you have been betrayed by them both.

Damn I was posting and accidentally clicked the Xmas ad and lost it 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP. You being a carer as a child makes sense.

Therapy for you (alone, not couples) would be helpful.

If that's not affordable, I successfully used techniques from this book to re-parent myself
Homecoming by John Bradshaw

Please don't label yourself as stupid or embarrassed. Sounds like you've been the proverbial frog in the pot for a long time. These things creep up on you when you have no experience setting boundaries.

Do you pack him a little lunch box as well when you let him tag along as he was Billy No Mates?

Tbh he sounds a bit wet, and he's probably going to do it again with any woman that shows him the slightest bit of interest

Let him him go and sort himself out, you concentrate 100% on yourself, I'd be doing fuck all for him after rubbing your nose in it and basically blowing up part of your social circle right in front of your face

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

Don't cry, you have nothing to be ashamed of. This stuff creeps up on you. You have acted with good sense and dignity. Sometimes you need a reality check, and from this side of the screen it is heartening to see someone testing their thoughts and coming to a sane conclusion.

Go see your friends, enjoy yourself, let him see the natural consequences of his crappy actions. And if he so much as raises the topic again, boot his sorry arse into orbit.

This.

No one here is judging you OP. We are incredulous because we all recognise that same trait of putting everyone before ourselves.

Most of us have been raised like that . And especially if you were a carer as a child.

Are you still in touch with the so called friends who treated you badly when you put your foot down over the EA? Are you saying that your friends took your husbands side in the affair ? If so I hope you kicked their sorry arses as well.

[quote smellyolebum]@AllyBama@ I am not friends with the EA woman though I see her around as our social groups overlap. DH does not mention her now - I gave him a bad fright at the time.

People always say on here that once the trust is gone you can't get it back. DH has destroyed my trust for the sake of a feeble EA conducted under my nose.[/quote]
Glad to hear it. I hope she gives you a wide berth when you cross paths, the bloody nerve!

Are you doing ok OP?

Err I mean glad to hear you’re not friends, not glad about the destroyed trust obviously!

Please do no be guilt tripped into doing this! He’s not a child, he’s a grown man that is perfectly capable of going out all by himself and arranging his own social life. I’m sorry but if he managed to have an EA at the first available opportunity then he’s not that helpless. It was his choice to neglect that aspect of his life when he was younger, he should be the one that has to deal with the consequences. Maybe if this betrayal hadn’t occurred it would be reasonable to ask you for help with socializing but he forfeited that privilege in my opinion. I’m sorry this has happened to you after so many years together, you must be very hurt. Please protect yourself from more potential heartache

During a long and stable relationship one or both partners may become attracted to others. It’s the betrayal and deceit that hurts if they decide to take it further. What an awful shock for you.

He wants you to set it all up again so he can have easier access to the OW, then when it escalates from an EA to full blown affair he can turn it back on you and say you "drove them together" . He has already proven he cannot be trusted. You've lost friends please don't lose your self respect too. X