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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and EA. What is to be done?

100 replies

smellyolebum · 15/11/2021 21:12

Been together with DH for many decades with one grown and independent DC. Generally, have a good supportive relationship – and he has always totally shared the load. However, DH is not very sociable. Shortly after we got together he stopped seeing his old friends (because he had me) and was not too bothered with seeing my friends. I carried on with my own social life and he got most of his social needs met at work.

Fast forward to DH retiring, work friends were just that, thus he was left with no social life. So, I set up a regular social event from my networks in order to include him and this was very successful. However, just before the Pandemic, I realised he was involved in an EA with one of the women in the group (saw them fucking holding hands). I told him if it did not stop NOW our marriage was over. It stopped. But there was quite a fall out in my friendship network that has been hurtful and damaging for me.

That particular social event stopped abruptly due to the Pandemic. Now, however, DH is asking me to set it up again. I feel reluctant to do this. I just felt so fucking used by them both last time and I do not entirely trust that the EA won’t take off again (she is one charismatic and attractive fucker). On the other hand, DH has no social life. I do love him and I don’t want him to be lonely as this is bad for his mental and physical health and in these challenging times it is a hard thing to get a social life going. WWYD?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 15/11/2021 22:07

No I wouldn’t be doing it

He can find his own social group

WoolyMammoth55 · 15/11/2021 22:10

Hi OP, I feel really sad for you also. Your DH has betrayed your trust and seems to think he can keep taking the piss with you.

If I was in your shoes I'd do these things:

  1. tell him he is never going to see this woman again and he certainly can not ask you to 'organise' him spending time with her.
  2. remind him he's extremely lucky you have forgiven him for this betrayal.
  3. encourage him to organise his own play dates in future and remind him that you are not responsible for his social life.
  4. tell him that the two of you need to get counselling together to set some mediated ground rules for your relationship going forward.

I feel how much pain you have been in but there's some level of denial and sweeping-under-the-carpet from BOTH of you up to this point that needs to end. If it doesn't then I think history will repeat itself - if not that he cheats again with this woman, then that he might cheat again with someone else.

I think it's important for you to understand where he is at and re-affirm your commitment to each other - or not - but in some way that you can be actively choosing the path forward rather than passively waiting around to see what your DH does/wants (shags?) next.

That's a crap pun but honestly my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. Hope you can work out what YOU want your future to look like Flowers

Nedclarity · 15/11/2021 22:11

I wonder if what you need to set up is some couples counselling for the two of you. Is he genuinely asking you to set up a situation where he can be around the other woman again? That is so wrong on so many levels, it is staggering to think he has let this come out of his mouth.

Original poster
smellyolebum · 15/11/2021 22:11

@WonderfulYou@ It made me cry to see you were sad for me about putting his happiness before my own. And it made me very sad for myself - what a stupid way for me to carry on. I am hugely proactive socially and very busy but you are right that I need to drop the rope on this - the thing is I know if I don't do it then he won't - but I think you are all telling me that this is his choice and his own problem, and also add my own worry that I am no longer sure I can trust him.

OP posts:
JSL52 · 15/11/2021 22:12

There was a thread recently about someone's husband going with her to everything.
General consensus was it's weird and he should get his own friends.

Original poster
smellyolebum · 15/11/2021 22:20

What a sorry tale. I have cried reading your (astonished) responses.

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 15/11/2021 22:23

Don't cry, you have nothing to be ashamed of. This stuff creeps up on you. You have acted with good sense and dignity. Sometimes you need a reality check, and from this side of the screen it is heartening to see someone testing their thoughts and coming to a sane conclusion.

Go see your friends, enjoy yourself, let him see the natural consequences of his crappy actions. And if he so much as raises the topic again, boot his sorry arse into orbit.

frozendaisy · 15/11/2021 22:27

@AnyFucker

What did I just read ?? Confused
ConfusedGrin

This.

Fuck that OP. And once that has been fucked it can fuck right off a bit more.

tarasmalatarocks · 15/11/2021 22:28

Similar position here OP. I actually stopped meeting up with people as much as it kind of highlighted the fact he didn’t have local friends— in his case self employment over many years caused it and like your H the first time he got some rather young female attention— he latched on to it — not an affair as such but a heavy crush , texting, popping round etc — In Your case he is lucky you didn’t tell him to sod off— so let him sort his lack of social life out himself

Original poster
smellyolebum · 15/11/2021 22:41

@ScaredOfDinosaurs@ Thank you so much. It has been hard to accept that people (DH and 'friend') would treat me like this. It makes me feel both insignificant and complicit somehow, because I enabled their friendship. I have told my good friends about it, and have their support, but between me and DH, I feel I don't want to let him meet any other of my friends.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2021 22:45

Fucking hell, of course you don't facilitate him getting back together with his "girlfriend", because that's exactly what would be happening. Tell him to jog on and fuck off.

Wombat49 · 15/11/2021 22:48

If you can't trust him to meet your friends, you can't trust him, full stop.

The trust is gone.

nomorefrogs · 15/11/2021 22:53

Bugger that. Could you find somewhere new to live and leave him to it. Maybe set up the social soirée as a final farewell and swan off into the sunset?

Hawkins001 · 15/11/2021 22:54

Tis a pickle op, you try to help and this is one of the results, all the best

Jacaranda75 · 15/11/2021 22:59

What are you, a dating service? No OP, don’t entertain this.

Original poster
smellyolebum · 15/11/2021 23:03

You are all right. The trust is broken and can not be unbroken. I love my DH and would like to stay together - we are old, generally happy and I know he would be devastated to lose me. However, I also understand that his arsehole head is very easily turned. So there is no longer any way that I will facilitate his stupid social life. He has earned the right to be lonely.

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 15/11/2021 23:07

What does he do to make your life better? Why is it your job to make up for his social deficits?
You sound lovely - I am sad that you are being manipulated to set up a situation that is potentially hurtful to you.
A friend of mine once said 'my husband is so incompetent that if he wanted an affair I would have to organise it for him.' We laughed but I have never forgotten that remark.

nomorefrogs · 15/11/2021 23:10

Hopefully you both have good pensions and you can afford to find yourself somewhere to live. Life is too short to spend tour twilight years with someone who treats you with zero respect! Good luck op

BourbonScreams · 15/11/2021 23:16

Sorry OP, he's treated you awfully ): Wishing you all the best

Original poster
smellyolebum · 15/11/2021 23:18

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have felt so heartened by your responses - painful as some of them have been. I am off to bed now so if I don't respond tonight - I will do so tomorrow.

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 15/11/2021 23:24

Fucking hell, he actually asked you set up the same social situation that facilitated his infidelity?!?

I'm speechless.

AllyBama · 15/11/2021 23:34

Wait so you’re still friends with HER? I see you’ve obviously come around to not making social arrangements as he’s asked but was the original proposal to start things up again… with her in the mix?

Sorry, I’m not trying to stick the boot in, I know you’ve seen the light (thank god!) but can I also suggest that even if your husband doesn’t participate in future social activities as planned, you really don’t need to include that bitch either!

mhwarrior · 15/11/2021 23:51

nothing to be embarrassed about you were so kind to him and he just took advantage of that, let us know how you get on Flowers

WatieKatie · 16/11/2021 00:05

The hand holding is completely unacceptable OP, as is his lame BS about being led on.

The slap in the face is him wanting you to set up another event to enable him to be led on again.

FromMumToMeAgain · 16/11/2021 00:07

Good grief. Holding hands is very intimate and suggests more than an EA took place to me.

If he had the slightest bit of respect for you, he’d ensure that he had no further contact with this woman at all but he’s asking you to set up a social activity for him which involves you, him and her!

Honestly find your own self respect and ditch him and the bitch he cheated on you with.

Better to be alone than be made a fool of IMO.

You sound like a lovely person and you deserve better. It’s never too late to realise thatFlowers.