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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Long term single?

32 replies

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 20:59

I’ve been single for 5 years, no dates or relationships at all in that time. I’ve noticed that most of the people that have been long term single have casual relationships or FWB, but has anyone been like me and had nothing like that at all? How do you make peace with it and accept it as I don’t think it’s the same as someone who is still having casual relationships, has anyone been single for years without any ONS/FWB?

OP posts:

BruiserWoods · 15/11/2021 21:02

14 years, although I have had a few short flings, and one relationship that lasted about two years.

I couldn't care less anymore.

LiverpoolJon · 15/11/2021 21:03

I've been single for years. I can't do FWB or ONS as for me the connection is not there if its not in a relationship so its meaningless. yes I miss that close human connection but for me its just not there on a ONS. But if people get what they want from them fair play, not one to judge. Infact a female friend of mine has had a string on them recently and it really gave her a confidence boost after a rocky peroid it worked for her.

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 21:10

Thanks both, not judging just think it’s easier to stay single if you are still getting sex and intimacy from somewhere, I’m not single through choice so it is difficult to make peace with it.

OP posts:

ShowerOfShite · 15/11/2021 21:11

Single for 10 years, with a short lived fling about 6 years ago and 2 very strange dates that put me off online dating for life!
I'm not bothered about meeting someone, most of the time. Medication seems to have killed my libido, so I just potter along on my own.

TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 21:14

It's easier for some people, and not easier for others. I was single for years, no physical intimacy with anyone, no problem.

Why do you feel you have to 'make peace' with it? Singledom isn't attacking you. It's nice.

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 21:17

Because I’m not single through choice as I’ve already said, and most people say they are single but are actually having fwb so not totally alone.

OP posts:

anthurium · 15/11/2021 21:22

Watching with interest!

I do want something in between ...intimacy, connection and exclusivity however without the typical relationship escalation trappings: cohabitation/marriage/children.

I'm currently single, but pregnant (solo mum to be) so have benn abstaining... I enjoy sex (preferably intimate sex with someone I have a connection with) and being in my late 30s and thinking about menopause, I don't want to forego that aspect of my life just yet! I know some people feel or come to the conclusion that no relationship = no sex, but I'm not ready to give it up yet (the menopause will take it away from me most likely anyway and then that'll be that!)

Ted27 · 15/11/2021 21:38

But what does single by choice mean? I’ve been single for about 13 years, no FWB.
I became single after a relationship broke down, not my choice. I did a bit of on line dating in the early years, then I adopted my son so not a great deal of opportunity.
I don’t think I could share my home with anyone else - would need a much bigger house, with separate wings, or two houses next door to each other.
I’m 56, best part of two years at home haven’t helped. I’m not actively looking, but I have a good social life again, usually end up talking to someone when I’m out. Who knows what may happen in the future but it would take someone very special to change my life for.
I don’t think that makes me single by choice, I just happen to be single and I’m fine with that.

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 21:41

As in I can’t date it’s not an option due to my circumstance, if I had the option I would at least be attempting to date. (I know that doesn’t mean I would necessarily find someone though but I would be trying to)

OP posts:

Ted27 · 15/11/2021 21:57

But you seem to be making some kind of distinction between
single - not by choice and would be looking if you could because I really want a partner and
single by choice ie don’t want a partner
I didnt wake up one morning and decide to be single and that I never wanted a relationship again. It hasn’t been an active choice, its just how life has turned out and I’m not unhappy with that

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 22:00

Well I’m glad you are fine with that I was posting this thread asking for advice from people that aren’t happy with it but have had to make peace with it though.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 15/11/2021 22:01

7 years here. Know what you mean op.

anthurium · 15/11/2021 22:03

@TurnUpTurnip

Do you have children?
If not, is that one of the reasons over the sadness of not having a romantic relationship?

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 22:06

No I have children, it’s one of the reasons why I am unable to date I am a lone parent and they have no involvement with their father so I’m with them every day I never have a day to myself.

OP posts:

Ted27 · 15/11/2021 22:13

But you asked if there was anyone else who was long term single without FWB.
Which I am.

If you don’t have opportunity to date at the moment, then that’s how life is, but it will change. Life moves on.
I am a single parent, my son is 17 now, I havent needed a sitter for a few years.
But I never moped about, I enjoyed the time with my son, I waited a long time for him.. Life has moved on, as it will for you

TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 22:24

@TurnUpTurnip

No I have children, it’s one of the reasons why I am unable to date I am a lone parent and they have no involvement with their father so I’m with them every day I never have a day to myself.

Can't you get a sitter?

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 22:25

No I can’t, my children have disabilities it’s not an option.

OP posts:

Echofallen · 15/11/2021 23:14

I've been with my now husband 7 years, prior to that I was 8 years with no sex or anything man-wise apart from the odd date. Then a short fling before that and then single with the odd date my entire life before that.

I just don't trust men to have a ONS but I really wish I'd been less cautious and had a bit of fun when I was younger, DH and I rarely have sex. I think for me I'd have been better having male friends I could trust to then explore with but sadly I didn't have any male friends (that lived close enough anyway).

A friend hasn't had a relationship since her 20s, she's had a few flings here and there but apart from that nothing and has given up on finding anyone I think. If I was single again I'd probably be of the same mind, it's so difficult.

coronaway · 16/11/2021 00:11

Yes I am OP although not quite the same as you - I'm single because I can't find a relationship and don't get anything out of casual sex. I've come to accept it but it's far from ideal. Having a pet helps.

Ema52 · 16/11/2021 02:20

@TurnUpTurnip

I've been single for 6-7 years (not sure which) Nothing for me and I love it. Wished I'd realised before my forties that single life is definitely the life for me... not having to be at someone's beck and call and having to force myself to have sex with someone I don't want too is bliss.

Ema52 · 16/11/2021 02:24

Ahh sorry you don't like being single that'll teach me to read each word.

sammylady37 · 16/11/2021 05:49

Hi Op

I’m my early 30s I was in the situation you describe, single and no sex/intimacy/dates whatsoever. For 6 years. 6 long years without male touch, company, intimacy etc. I found it soul destroying, tbh. It came about for a few reasons, but mainly because I was quite obese and had absolutely zero confidence. I was either invisible or an object of ridicule to men. It was a truly horrible time in my life, and became a self-fulfilling prophecy because the worse I felt about myself, the more I turned to the only comfort I had, which was food. When I got in control of my weight (which took years) I got the confidence to start dating again. I am not, and never was, looking for a relationship, I prefer to have occasional gentlemen callers and that’s working very well for me now.

Your situation is different I know, as the reasons are different, but I’m just posting to say that I sympathise, I know what it’s like when you’re in that rut and unhappy about it.

sammylady37 · 16/11/2021 05:49

My opening line should read in my early 30s, not read like I’m in my early 30s!

Gemi33 · 16/11/2021 08:15

I'm in the same position, not through choice and it is really difficult so I sympathise OP.

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 16/11/2021 10:27

Thanks all, I’m glad others can understand how I’m feeling as it can be very lonely. I can relate to that sammylady37 I have gained a lot of weight also from boredom and comfort eating, it’s not the reason that’s stopping me but it certainly doesn’t help the way I’m feeling, I feel like I’ve lost my identity a bit.

OP posts:

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