Long term single?

[TurnUpTurnip]

I’ve been single for 5 years, no dates or relationships at all in that time. I’ve noticed that most of the people that have been long term single have casual relationships or FWB, but has anyone been like me and had nothing like that at all? How do you make peace with it and accept it as I don’t think it’s the same as someone who is still having casual relationships, has anyone been single for years without any ONS/FWB?

I have also gained alot of weight since my last relationship and have no confidence and I do think that makes it harder. This thread has made me realise that it's not just me at least!

@sammylady37

Hi Op

I’m my early 30s I was in the situation you describe, single and no sex/intimacy/dates whatsoever. For 6 years. 6 long years without male touch, company, intimacy etc. I found it soul destroying, tbh. It came about for a few reasons, but mainly because I was quite obese and had absolutely zero confidence. I was either invisible or an object of ridicule to men. It was a truly horrible time in my life, and became a self-fulfilling prophecy because the worse I felt about myself, the more I turned to the only comfort I had, which was food. When I got in control of my weight (which took years) I got the confidence to start dating again. I am not, and never was, looking for a relationship, I prefer to have occasional gentlemen callers and that’s working very well for me now.

Your situation is different I know, as the reasons are different, but I’m just posting to say that I sympathise, I know what it’s like when you’re in that rut and unhappy about it.

How did you take control of your weight?

@coodawoodashooda

I joined slimming world, then I started cutting out carbs quite a lot ,but not completely). I also went to a counsellor to unpick the reasons I self-medicated with food and sabotaged myself, and to develop a new relationship with food. I had also had a fright because of some (thankfully minor) health issues that were directly related to my weight so suddenly I had real motivation to address it.

[quote sammylady37]@coodawoodashooda

I joined slimming world, then I started cutting out carbs quite a lot ,but not completely). I also went to a counsellor to unpick the reasons I self-medicated with food and sabotaged myself, and to develop a new relationship with food. I had also had a fright because of some (thankfully minor) health issues that were directly related to my weight so suddenly I had real motivation to address it.[/quote]
Thank you and well done. I have had a few counsellors now. Im not in such a mess but i haven't unpicked my motivation for self sabotage. I don't suppose you could shed any light on my situation? I go from extreme motivation to not caring and worse.

OP I was the same as you, lone parent with 100% responsibility for DS and no family to support with childcare. I've been single for 10 years and for about 8 of those I didn't even go on a date. I don't do ONS/FWB as it's just not my thing (ie I can't do intimacy without feelings) so I haven't had sex since I was 40 (I'm 51). I am dating now (my DS is older) but nothing has gone beyond coffee/a drink yet. I'm sort of resigned to it going nowhere as there is slim pickings and the longer I've gone without the fussier I've become. I haven't given up hope and I do get lonely - especially around holiday times - but I'm not desperate for it anymore. If it helps it does get easier.

Thank you and well done. I have had a few counsellors now. Im not in such a mess but i haven't unpicked my motivation for self sabotage. I don't suppose you could shed any light on my situation? I go from extreme motivation to not caring and worse

Thank you.

Everyone’s reasons are different but mine stemmed from a mix of things- a subconscious wish to repel men following an assault, a wish to preempt rejection, a childhood of being told to eat all the food on my plate and be grateful for it followed swiftly be being told I was too fat, followed by being offered home baked goods and my mother getting annoyed if I refused them, leading to a lot of confusion and overall a big complex mess. I had acquired the ‘fat friend’ persona and laughed at myself before anyone else had a chance to. My weight was a protective shield in some ways.

I went through a few counsellors before I found the one that clicked and I was really glad I persisted and found him.

Best wishes to you.

I know this thread has been quiet for a while but it popped into my head today - I have been trying online dating (really don't like it but not sure how else I would meet someone). I have been talking to someone and he asked me how long I had been single and when I told him his reaction made me feel so embarrassed. I feel like being in my late 30s, never married, no children and having only had a couple of relationships and nothing in between is seen as so weird. I felt so awkward!