Dating someone with three kids

Mamacarrot · 15/11/2021 20:15

Speak to her and ask her why she doesn’t want anymore kids. She could have just been hurt by her previous relationship . Or she could not want kids after having 4 . If she is dead serious about having any more kids and isn’t willing to consider possibly having some then move on.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 15/11/2021 20:18

Be open and honest.

I really like you but I’ve always wanted children in my future. If it’s not too intrusive can I ask whether you’d be open to having more? I know this is heavy for three dates but I just want us all to be on the same page from the outset.

SummerHouse · 15/11/2021 20:22

Only you can answer this one. If the baby / babies thing is a deal breaker, then you have to say so, and move on if she categorically doesn't want more. It's a gamble though. Babies may be wanted but not necessarily happen with someone else. What if she is always the one that got away? You need to decide though. If you are feeling a strong connection, there's every chance she is too. Have you had the conversation about what you want? If not, it's time to do that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/11/2021 20:25

Don’t do it. She’s got plenty of children already, life must be hectic enough and she’s said she doesn’t want more. Step parenting is hard enough but doing it when you yearn for your own and can’t have them but have all the compromises of family life is brutal.

LoveComesQuickly · 15/11/2021 20:27

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I would want my own kids and I don’t think you should hang around to see if she changes her mind - better to break it off now and give both of you a chance to meet someone else.

You may decide differently though, and decide that being a step dad would be enough for you.

Mamacarrot · 15/11/2021 20:28

@Mamacarrot

Speak to her and ask her why she doesn’t want anymore kids. She could have just been hurt by her previous relationship . Or she could not want kids after having 4 . If she is dead serious about having any more kids and isn’t willing to consider possibly having some then move on.

Was meant to say if she is dead serious about not having more *

samesign · 15/11/2021 20:43

It would be a dealbreaker for me if I didn't have kids.

I can understand why she wouldn't want anymore after having 4 and the thought of having another and working, space to put them all etc

let her know you having doubts about seeing her, she should understand hopefully.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/11/2021 20:58

A friend of mine always wanted children. She never managed to meet the right man though until she was about 38 and when she did, he had two kids already and didn’t want any more.
She’d waited so long to find the right person that she made the decision she’d rather be with him and his kids and not have her own than walk away for something she’d probably never find again.
Unfortunately, women don’t tend to have the luxury of time by their late 30’s though to take that risk. Assuming you’re a man (and apologies if not) then I guess you do have that luxury and at 3 dates you are not too invested in each other’s lives to be able to walk away if your own children are very important to you. I don’t blame her for not wanting any more at 37 with 4 already though. She’d be close to 40 by the time you would be ready to start having a baby (if you did) and it may not happen anyway.

Original poster

LiverpoolJon · 15/11/2021 21:24

@Sunshineandflipflops

A friend of mine always wanted children. She never managed to meet the right man though until she was about 38 and when she did, he had two kids already and didn’t want any more. She’d waited so long to find the right person that she made the decision she’d rather be with him and his kids and not have her own than walk away for something she’d probably never find again. Unfortunately, women don’t tend to have the luxury of time by their late 30’s though to take that risk. Assuming you’re a man (and apologies if not) then I guess you do have that luxury and at 3 dates you are not too invested in each other’s lives to be able to walk away if your own children are very important to you. I don’t blame her for not wanting any more at 37 with 4 already though. She’d be close to 40 by the time you would be ready to start having a baby (if you did) and it may not happen anyway.

In a way that is kind of my thinking, if there is a connection there should I explore and forgo kids, getting near 40 most of the women I date are around mid thirties upwards so either have kids or the clock is ticking. As I mentioned I don;t mind dating women with kids it is just I would like my own. I did try dating a couple of younger women in their late 20s and there was just to much difference in outlook on life.

I have even looked into adoption and surrogacy in the past

OP posts:

anthurium · 15/11/2021 22:20

@LiverpoolJon

Have you considered co -parenting websites? I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention them on here...of course this would imply you're more interested in finding a co parenting partner than a romantic one. I'd imagine surrogacy is extremely expensive and a legal minefield for a single man? How far did you come with exploring adoption, if you don't mind me asking?

I ended a situanship/relationship of 2 years with someone who I had an intimate connection with because we were at different life stages (I was 12 years his senior). For me, trying to have a child was a dealbraker over sustaining that relationship.

I appreciate it's easier for women in that respect because they have a womb and an ability to carry a child, as well as the sperm donor process being cheaper and easier from a legal point of view.

category12 · 15/11/2021 22:33

It's only been three dates, move on.

Pascal80 · 15/11/2021 23:33

@LiverpoolJon

I have been on 3 dates with the most lovely girl, we met on Bumble. I am 39 and she is 37. We have so much in common and get on really well, I honestly feel a real connection with her, not like any other dates or previous relationships.

The thing is she has 4 kids (same dad) already and has said she does not want any more. I have always thought I would have kids and I have been getting broody recently. I want to go through that little baby phase with kids.

While I am fine dating someone with kids, I am not sure I could date someone who does not want more kids, but I am torn as there is a real connection and I have been single for so long with the previous couple of years being a write off.

Her kids are 7 year old boys (twins) and 11 and 14 year old girls.

She has put herself through uni, has an amazing job etc been single for 4 years.

So advice needed, I really really like the lady in question, never felt such a strong connection, but there is the kids angle, I want kids. I've been single myself for a while. any advice gratefully received

She's 37 with 4 children who does not want any more. There is your answer - you want a relationship and a family of your own.

In addition, Let's say you decided to try and forget about wanting to have children because she like her so much, that feeling won't go away. Even if she did want a chid with you, she is 37 and would need to be getting on with it asap. How's that going to work when you are just getting to know her?

I'll be brutal - I would keep looking until you find a women who wants a family but doesn't already have one.

Kanaloa · 16/11/2021 00:06

She already has four - more than does she want another, could you manage?

I have four and it’s no easy job. It’s constant hard work. I imagine five would just about tip me over the edge and that’s what you need to consider. You wouldn’t be parenting your one child together, you would be a five child family.

I would cut your losses I think.

GreenLunchBox · 16/11/2021 00:09

She's got loads of kids already and has told you she doesn't want more. Honestly, throw this one back

Ryannah · 16/11/2021 00:20

If she doesn’t want more kids then it’s game over. Kids are expensive, she probably can’t afford any more! Anyway if you’ve got no kids yourself it’s a huge ask to take on 4 of them, you probably don’t appreciate what a massive burden kids are. I don’t recommend getting involved with someone who has that many kids, your life will basically be over.

GreenLunchBox · 16/11/2021 00:25

I don’t recommend getting involved with someone who has that many kids, your life will basically be over.

TableFlowerss · 16/11/2021 00:37

I think you should move on. If you’re that serious about kids that you’ve been looking in to surrogacy etc then it’s not a whim. You obviously really want them.

The only thing you can do is be really honest and say it’s a deal breaker for you. Where does she stand? I suspect she’ll say no more kids but you never know.

Good luck finding someone

smoko · 16/11/2021 00:58

You've "never felt such a strong connection" & only been on 3 dates?

Just move on & find someone to have kids with, she has 4 & has already told you upfront that she doesn't want anymore.

Why question it & accept what she is telling you?

Also something icky about a man describing themselves as "broody"

smoko · 16/11/2021 00:59

(or anyone, really!)

RedWingBoots · 16/11/2021 01:04

@smoko some people are Brody.

OP this this one go. There is a woman out there around your age who wants kids and doesn't have them but it isn't this woman.

Yousexybugger · 16/11/2021 01:09

It's worth double checking she absolutely doesn't want any more as you're really serious about wanting children and like her a lot but to be honest if she has 4, I would prepare yourself for it to be a 'no', in which case you'll need to decide your priorities and probably let her go.

SammyScrounge · 16/11/2021 01:23

You have only been on 3 dates - far too soon to be fretting about this. Maybe your desire for children of your own will grow - maybe it won't. She has to understand that this is a big issue for you, that it' s only natural to want s child; you have to understand that she has had to struggle by herself and to put herself through uni and probably thought babies and stuff were in the past.
You're both on the right here and I don't really think a compromise is possible.

RantyAunty · 16/11/2021 01:44

I don't see this working out.

I can't imagine starting over again with another baby if my youngest was 7 and I already had 4.

Grimsknee · 16/11/2021 07:57

Three dates, way too soon to be thinking about whether to have children with someone, besides which she has already told you she doesn't want a fifth child (who would??)
Also... a 37 year old mother of 4 is a woman not a girl!

Starseeking · 16/11/2021 08:41

If you feel that strongly about having your own DC, I'd move on if I were you. If you want to have at least 2 DC, that would mean your DP had 6 DC in total. If I was her I'd be thinking how I would manage with 6 DC if the relationship broke down, given it happened once before to her. Don't pressure her if she's already said no, as it's usually very different for a man who already has DC to have more, than for a woman, as the majority of the work will most likely fall to her if you did have DC.

After 3 dates you really can't be that invested. There are plenty of women aged 30-40 with no DC who would like to settle down with a man who is keen. Get back on Bumble and find one of those!