Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t understand him

50 replies

Lozkr · 15/11/2021 20:08

So I’ve been seeing a guy casually for 3 years I actually think I love him
But he doesn’t want a relationship
But tells me all the time he misses me
What do I do. I just don’t understand
Surely if you miss someone like I miss him you want to be with them??

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 20:12

No they doesn’t mean you want to be with them

Mamacarrot · 15/11/2021 20:12

Sorry I don’t want to be harsh. It means he misses sleeping with you. But if he doesn’t want a relationship then he doesn’t want to be with you. Move on and don’t waste more years with this guy. You deserve someone who will value you enough t want to be with you

TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 20:15

Do you think there's a set of rules for how we're supposed to behave in response to our feelings? So, 'he misses me, so he should want a relationship with me'?

Or do you think that each individual has their feelings, and then chooses for themselves how to shape their life around those feelings, and is free to do as they please?

Which situation do you think is better? Why do you think you need to understand somebody who doesn't think in the same way as you?

Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 20:16

It’s so hard. I can’t imagine life without him
But I do know I deserve better. Just find it tough decision to make

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 20:17

You can imagine life without him as you don’t actually have him he is someone you see casually

Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 20:17

I don’t feel like I ask for much from him. Respect and I love spending time with him and just want more time that’s all
Is that a lot to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 20:18

I’ve not been in a place for more after my own separation and always put my kids first
But didn’t expect to catch feelings like this

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 20:37

@Lozkr

I don’t feel like I ask for much from him. Respect and I love spending time with him and just want more time that’s all Is that a lot to ask?
Who do you think defines what 'much' is? If you're asking for a relationship from somebody who doesn't want to give you that, you're asking too much of them. There's nothing wrong with your ask, it's just an incompatibility.

It's all relative; if you ask your mate to get you a bag of crisps when they're at the bar, that's fine. If you ask a stranger's child on their way out of school to get you a bag of crisps, that's waaaay too much. There's nothing wrong with your ask, you just have to ask it in the right place. Presumably he has been telling you for 3 years that he didn't want a relationship. If this doesn't meet your needs, you need to take responsibility for yourself and leave before you waste any more time on someone who isn't going to give you what you want, or trying to change someone who isn't actually interested in meeting your needs.

Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 20:40

You are probably right
I’ve never actually asked to take it forward in a relationship. But he said he doesn’t want one
I just want to spend more time with him really. But he sees that as a relationship where I don’t want to label it.

OP posts:
Nowomenaroundeh · 15/11/2021 21:00

You need to be honest with yourself. You do want a relationship with him. And that's ok. You've spent lots of intimate time together and gotten to know each other. You like him. This isn't a crime. But if you continue settling for less than you want you are going to end up very hurt and send yourself a strong message that your wants don't count. This will damage not just this arrangement but all future relationships. Don't sacrifice your self esteem.

It seems you've already told him you want more and he's turned you down. So his feelings haven't changed.

Move on, fast. The good news is you're ready to have something more meaningful with someone now. So he seems to have served his purpose.

ufucoffee · 15/11/2021 21:24

He wants you in the wings until a woman he does want a relationship with comes along. He's using you. You have a choice. Put up with it or get rid.

Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 22:25

Thanks guys. You are all probably correct
It’s just not that easy to meet someone new these days

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 22:29

He always makes out that we will in the future. But just seem to be going round in circles and going no where
I genuinely just want to spend more time with him without labelling anything

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 15/11/2021 22:36

I see, you want to have a relationship with him but think by not labelling it as such you can work around his rule of “no relationship” Either he doesn’t want to spend more time with you or he can see that you’re more invested than him and is keeping you at arms length.

Original poster
Lozkr · 15/11/2021 22:58

He seems to have a wall up as he’s been hurt in the past and trying to protect himself

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 16/11/2021 00:13

He seems to have a wall up as he’s been hurt in the past and trying to protect himself

Sorry, in the nicest possible way this statement is utter shite. We’ve all been hurt in the past. Please don’t go down this road of thinking he’s damaged and you can fix him. It doesn’t sound like he’s been dishonest with you… I’m sure he has fun with you and likes you but he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Stop looking for reasons.

Anordinarymum · 16/11/2021 00:22

@Lozkr

He seems to have a wall up as he’s been hurt in the past and trying to protect himself
Nah that's a lie. He's been with you for three years. He won't commit because he is still looking and until he meets someone you will do.. for sex...
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 00:56

Next time he says "I miss you", ask him what he misses doing with you.

Spoiler - it will be sex.

If you want a ltr - ditch this guy and move on.

You deserve a lot better than this!

sunnyzweibrucken · 16/11/2021 01:25

I’ve missed someone I was dating but it wasn’t the sex. I just missed talking to them, connecting with them emotionally. But I didn’t want to commit to them because we just weren’t compatible in that way.

Ema52 · 16/11/2021 02:49

Nah that's a lie. He's been with you for three years. He won't commit because he is still looking and until he meets someone you will do.. for sex...

Totally agree with this.
Sorry it sounds harsh but it's the brutal truth.
Find someone who wants you for you.

Monty27 · 16/11/2021 02:53

Don't waste your time on this person. He's not invested at all

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2021 03:40

He is completely and utterly using you. Don't be a doormat.

supercali77 · 16/11/2021 08:03

As was said before its not wrong to want what you want and to ask for it. But with the answer we have to let a 'no' mean 'no'. Hes being somewhat unfair by intimating he may want it in future. But then I suspect both of you may be avoiding directness. E.g. you may be avoiding being dirext that a relationship with him is what you want...because you fear this is where it ends? Either way, for as long as the question is avoided/ignored you'll be in limbo. Wondering why. Making efforts to 'win' a relationship. This isnt healthy for the self esteem as it involves a lot of little lies to ourselves and broken boundaries. It can be difficult to break these habits, but you can start by making yourself a promise each day on something entirely for yourself. Nothing at all to do with him. And keeping it.

Original poster
Lozkr · 16/11/2021 08:57

Thank you all so I much
I know I deserve better but it’s a hard one to stop. He is also like a best friend as we talk every day which I don’t know if I can just be his friend and maybe need to cut ties completely
Only awkward matter is he owes me money. Probably the reason he keeps it going and when I bring it up tells me to stop going on about and it’s a few thousand

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 09:56

Probably cut contact completely - at least for now. Its hard to get emotional distance from someone you're in daily contact with.

Re the money - you'll probably have to write it off. Unless you have written proof of it being a loan (not a gift) and you're feeling... Even More Furiously Vexatious. Just kidding, I dont recommend it.