I don’t understand him

[Lozkr]

So I’ve been seeing a guy casually for 3 years I actually think I love him
But he doesn’t want a relationship
But tells me all the time he misses me
What do I do. I just don’t understand
Surely if you miss someone like I miss him you want to be with them??

Please dont lend him any more. You need distance, really you do because you're breaking all kinds of commitments to yourself here. Lending money he isn't committed to paying back. Betraying your own desire for a relationship by staying in this dance. I promise you the power that comes from standing for yourself first and foremost is immense.

@Lozkr
I could have written this a year ago. Our stories are sooo very similar, my guy kept it going for 10 years and would have kept going if I didn't finally say enough was enough.

He knew my feelings and would bread crumb me with I miss you's and small favors that I thought were what you did in a relationship, even though we weren't in one and he would remind me of this constantly.

He also borrowed money from me, which I was lucky enough to get back, but all that valuable time I wasted I never will.

It's harsh but it's simple. If he wanted to, he would. I realized I was a placeholder until someone he does want a relationship with comes along so I ended it because I deserve so much better than that and so do you.

Stop sleeping with him, get your money back if possible, and walk away with your pride still intact, if he was your best friend he wouldn't be using you.

You will meet someone, a real relationship is not like this.

The sad thing is. I know you are all right. I just don’t think I wanted to admit it to myself and he always gave me hope.
Just feel like I am tied re money. But he just says is that all you ever worry about
Like yeah. I am a single parent. And could be doing so much with that money

So he used you for sex and money for 3 years. He’s awful. “Stop going on about it”?! For a few THOUSAND pounds?? Jeez I would write it off just to be rid of this arsehole. Also a single parent and I know how much you must need that money but don’t waste even more time and money being with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you.

@Lozkr

Thank you all so I much I know I deserve better but it’s a hard one to stop. He is also like a best friend as we talk every day which I don’t know if I can just be his friend and maybe need to cut ties completely Only awkward matter is he owes me money. Probably the reason he keeps it going and when I bring it up tells me to stop going on about and it’s a few thousand

So he gets money, lots of shags with no commitment and no deadline for paying you back? He's not daft, is he?

Get the money back, get him out of your life, he is not a friend.

Would you be able to claim the money back through the courts? If not, you might need to write it off.

Get this man out of your life as soon as you can - today, maybe. He is using you. He is abusing your family financially by accepting money that should be yours to use.

maybe he spent it on another girl? harsh but can happen.
take your money and stop with this man.
you sound very naive.
so what if there is no other man? its better to be single than being deceived like that.

tell him that you need money for something urgent and ask th money back.

that money should be for your kids. dont give any money to any man.

Oh OP, why oh why did you lend him money? You might as well stamp "doormat" on your forehead and be done with it. Stop letting this man take you for a ride. Reclaim your self respect and walk away.

Although you need the money back its no reason to remain in the position youre in relationship wise. Sleeping with him won't do anything to get it back. If you write him an email or text asking whether he can pay ypu back the money you loaned him and say the figure and he replies acknowledging you lent it to him you've effectively got a written acceptance of the amount loaned. Im not sure how it works legally but if you have that he can't later deny it and if you want to pursue via small claims you might have a chance? Maybe seek free legal advice? Once you've got what ypu need in terms of pursuing the debt then you can end it without worrying that ita your last chance to recover the money

OP He has a lot more to gain from this casual relationship than you have. Sex on tap, money. You have young dc and he is comfortable to borrow money from you - thousands too.

If and when he meets someone he would like to settle with, he will drop you and it will hurt like hell. You are wasting your time waiting for him to want more.

I always knew my relationships/situations were shit when I realised I gave a lot more than I received. There should always be a balance.

Wow OP, if he owes you that much money it pues things in a very different perspective. It's bad enough that he's borrowed so much that he's borrowed from a single mum... but to dismiss you like that when you ask for your money back? That tells you he doesn't respect you or care about you.

He was in financial difficulties and said I was his only friend that could help. Playing again with my emotions abs making me believe we could be together
I’m starting to see things different. Just wish my friends would have been truthful and told me this at the time

The fact he is owing you money and doesnt want to talk about it is a massive red flag. You need to demand that money back or its unlikely you will see it again. You see peoples true colours when moneys involved so brace yourself for some unpleasantness.
You can do so much better , get your money back and move on to better things.

You need to draw a line under this whole thing and walk away . You have been a source of sex and money for him . It's hard to realise that but cut your losses . He is very unlikely to pay you back .

He has agreed by text on the amount that is still to be paid. So at least I have that
But still says he misses me
But then said he has been talking to someone else and doesn’t want to lie to me
So told him I am no longer interested and for him to go and be happy

When someone tells you they’re the only person who can help re financial difficulties it’s more often or not friends and family will refuse to lend money/help them.

I knew someone (a man) a few years ago who wanted me to be a guarantor for a loan after only 2 months of meeting them which I refused to do! I stupidly saw him as a boyfriend after that but when I brought up later why he’d asked me this he always had some excuse. I found out he was in debt loads of areas, he’s moved abroad now and still owes money.

Glad you’ve told him you’re not interested but try to stick with that. He sounds like he’s not worth more of your time.

Ha funnily enough he asked me to do same as guarantor for a lot more money.
No way I would do that and risk my home
I maybe stupid to have given him money but not stilly enough to do that
Still hurts though. But a hard lesson learnt

You need to watch ‘he’s just not that into you’ on Netflix. Hope it helps clarify a few things!

@Lozkr

He always makes out that we will in the future. But just seem to be going round in circles and going no where I genuinely just want to spend more time with him without labelling anything

Sounds like he's just stringing you along tbh. If he wanted a relationship with you he'd be in one with you now

@Lozkr - honestly - I got into a “relationship” with this man but it was mostly on his terms, he was quite messed up in lots of ways. I strung it out on an on/off way with him for ages but after the loan guarantor spiel I should’ve run a mile.

It’s ok saying that now byt when you are in that situation you think you are doing a good thing. We are just too kind and deserve more the right person

Never make the mistake of thinking they've been hurt in the past and therefore cant commit.....I did that and guess what? He met a girl he did like and got into a relationship with her instantly whilst I was promptly dumped. Look after yourself first OP, it's the only way.