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Original poster

Meant to be on a date in two hour, please help…

35 replies

Datedulema · 15/11/2021 16:37

I’m late 30s and in brief, ive had a couple of long term relationships but basically the last few years have been a car crash of shit situations and short term things. I really want to settle down.

My last break up was end of August. We were together a year. I was heartbroken as I really thought he was the one for me. I didn’t want it to end and told him so. I’ve not heard from him in months now. It’s definitely over.

I’ve started trying to get back out there after a big talking to myself that if I sit on the sofa I won’t ever meet anyone at all.

I’ve ended up arranging a few dates over the next week or so and the first one is tonight.

I suddenly don’t want to go. I’m terrified it will make me miss my ex and cause me to feel I want to contact him, which wouldn’t be right as he didn’t give me what I wanted by a long shot. It would be a waste of time for me to go back there and I want to forget him.

Why do I suddenly feel like this? I don’t think I really ‘fancy’ this guy either, though he’s in a good job and we have nice conversation, he seems very kind and sincere. Ie not someone I don’t think I’m usually drawn to, as silly as that sounds.

I was feeling sure about getting on with it and being matter of fact about getting out there and now I suddenly feel sad, shy, unsure. It’s dark outside too and for some reason that makes me feel more down about it all.

What to do? I’m in a bit of a state.

OP posts:
TeeTotaller1 · 15/11/2021 16:41

Put your best outfit on etc etc
Get yourself out but if you feel like you don't want to be there after a while then excuse yourself
You're under no obligation to stay, you may feel better for getting out though....

Sometimes we have to give ourselves a bit of a kick up the derriere and to get going

Just be careful that apathy doesn't set in and you end up 'not being bothered' about future dates/social situations

This time of year it's very easy to do that

Let us know how it went

Good luck! Flowers

Nsky · 15/11/2021 16:47

Go and enjoy,

CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 15/11/2021 16:47

I was so nervous to go on a date after being single for a long time but my friends persuaded me & said use it as a practise date. 14 years later and we're still together

ShowMeHow · 15/11/2021 16:51

You seem to be setting yourself up to fail.

It’s just a night out off the sofa - treat it as such and enjoy the change (easier said than done I know)

Inthesameboatatmo · 15/11/2021 16:51

Get yourself ready and go along op.
It might make you feel better about things .
If you really don't want to be there after a little time then make excuses and leave . Try to not over think things about the ex, remember he's an ex for a reason.

Doodledeedum · 15/11/2021 16:54

Thing is you're afraid you miss him anyway by the sounds of it and that this date will exasperate it
I say go and have fun. Don't see it as anything more than why it is today. No need to imagine the rest of your life from what may happen tonight. Just BE.

I went on a date with someone on whim and three years later here we are, u never know what might happen and the best thing is going to be a little laugh and some company- if not a really bad date story to tell someone else in the future which will still make your laugh one day.

KintsugiForever · 15/11/2021 16:58

Listen to music as you get ready, enjoy making yourself look great. Just see it as a way to meet new people, and try and take the pressure off of this chap being someone who may or may not replace your ex. He is him and you are you, and you may be great together! You won't know if you don't try.

Flingingmelon · 15/11/2021 17:01

Go! Don't put so much pressure on him or you.

Plan like it's a night out with a mate. If it turns in to something great, if it's a night away from your own oven also great Grin

Enjoy

Original poster
Datedulema · 15/11/2021 17:01

Thanks so much! Didn’t expect so many replies, my first post Smile

I think I am scared I will see him and not be attracted (likely on the photos) but more than that, as I know attraction can grow, is I am worried I will be longing to speak to my ex the whole time. We had great conversations. If it doesn’t measure up will it push me back in terms of moving on?

I’m getting dressed now but feeling worried about the aftermath

OP posts:
Flingingmelon · 15/11/2021 17:03

Don't overthink it! SmileSmileSmile

Sadgirlsummer · 15/11/2021 17:05

I'm in a similar situation, but using casual drink first dates as a way to show my brain there are other guys out there. I promise, once you treat it as just a nice night out with some male company you'll feel a bit more confident / have more faith about moving on and forward with your life. Keep asking yourself "Do YOU like him," rather than worrying if he likes you, I find it helps take the pressure off. Enjoy! Xx

TeeTotaller1 · 15/11/2021 17:08

Your ex is your ex for a reason

Try not to compare, this guy might be great and totally different. Change from the 'norm' is sometimes a good thing

Go, have fun and keep an open mind

KintsugiForever · 15/11/2021 17:10

As pp says, don't compare. Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

See him as just a new person to meet - no expectations, no pressure. And he won't compare because he is unique, so he shouldn't compare!

I hope you have a really lovely night.

Sadgirlsummer · 15/11/2021 17:12

Just seen your update, don't worry about fancying him, you're pressuring yourself to have a connection to wipe away the residues of previous relationships. You might like him, you might not and that's fine! You can always finish your drink and leave, no harm no foul. I want to settle down too, but try and keep dating like the 3rd or 4th important thing in my life so I'm not too invested emotionally in a carousel of (mostly crap) men. You got this Flowers !!

GrandmasCat · 15/11/2021 17:13

Think if it as if you are going for a coffee with someone who has been nice. Not your future husband, not the father of your kids, just a nice person you met in the Internet.

You may be surprised and like him more than you expected or you may not but that’s what first dates are about, they are just dates, not the time for life changing decisions.

You are a bit bruised from last time, but remember, this is another guy, not your ex and relationship revisited, ok?

JustThisLastLittleBit · 15/11/2021 17:16

Fake it till you make it OP! I was terrified on my first date in X years, it wasn’t great but it broke that duck…

Summerfun54321 · 15/11/2021 17:26

For online dating I just used to imagine I was meeting a new work contact and my only requirement was to make polite conversation for an hour. I didn’t worry about looking my best or romance or attraction, if those things happened that was just a bonus.

MarshmallowSwede · 15/11/2021 17:26

Hope you have a great time!

Original poster
Datedulema · 15/11/2021 17:27

Thank you for all the posts I’ve read them all carefully!

I think I am ok about actually meeting him it’s more what feelings might come to the surface afterwards that I’m worried about.

I might check in after if that’s ok!! Brew Cake thank you!

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 15/11/2021 17:31

I can see both sides of this and I understand you wanting to get back out there etc, however tbh you do not sound ready for anything new yet. Is this fair on the person you are meeting...would you like it done to you?

FlowerArranger · 15/11/2021 17:33

This:

don't worry about fancying him, you're pressuring yourself to have a connection to wipe away the residues of previous relationships

And this:

Think if it as if you are going for a coffee with someone who has been nice. Not your future husband, not the father of your kids, just a nice person you met in the Internet.

Take the pressure off and enjoy yourself. Flowers

Original poster
Datedulema · 15/11/2021 17:34

@crimsonlake yes I totally see your point. All I can say to that is I want to settle down and I am going into it with that in mind, open to it and genuine about it. I am not speaking with my ex and don’t intend to. I guess it’s hard to know when you’re completely ready to meet someone again…I think I will always feel hurt about what happened with him, I’m not sure that will go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Datedulema · 15/11/2021 17:35

@Summerfun54321

For online dating I just used to imagine I was meeting a new work contact and my only requirement was to make polite conversation for an hour. I didn’t worry about looking my best or romance or attraction, if those things happened that was just a bonus.
@Summerfun54321 I love this!
OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/11/2021 17:37

I might check in after if that's ok!
I don't think I'll be the only person disappointed if you don't!
Just relax and have a good night.Wine

KintsugiForever · 15/11/2021 17:44

Have fun, look forward to hearing about it later! I'll just be on the sofa eating a Dairy Milk!