ADHD and relationship anxiety

[yellowcourgette]

I am in a new relationship and struggling a bit. I have a few issues and they are currently causing me a lot of anxiety. I have depression and anxiety, plus ADHD, but have been working hard on being in a better place in life and have felt really good for the last 6 months of being single. But now I feel quite anxious again, k think mostly due to my ADHD, and I'm wondering if anyone has any insights or similar experiences.

Firstly I have had quite a traumatic time with sex in past relationships and just can't seem to relax with him. I think I am worried about it not being perfect, and I often have trouble climaxing and don't want that to ruin things. He has been nothing but understanding about this and he is very attentive and selfless, but I still can't seem to relax. Whereas I was fine (if not peeved) with my previous selfish and quite inadequate ex. What is wrong with me that when things are right I seem to find it difficult?

Secondly, he is a lovely guy and we have a lot of fun. I really like him and he's genuinely a really kind guy. But it's like I'm trying to self sabotage the relationship. The tiniest thing wrong irks me or causes me anxiety and makes me doubt it all. I seem to feel very hot and cold with it - one minute I think he's amazing and the next I'm very 'meh'. I have been reading a lot about ADHD and relationships and this seems to be a common thing. It causes me so much anxiety when I feel distant because there doesn't seem to be a reason.

I think a little bit of this is that he is pretty intense and is super into me. It's only been 3 months but he has already said he loves me. I know about love bombing and I don't think it's this at all. I think he's just excited and happy and I'm happy to go with that, but it is making me feel pressure to reciprocate. This is really hard if I'm having an anxious moment or struggling with my ADHD. I don't know how to handle the pressure, which I think is all in my head. Just to clarify here - he has never asked or made me do anything I don't want to, or made me feel bad about how I am, and it's so lovely. I'm not used to it. Maybe this has something to do with it?

This all might be difficult to understand for people without ADHD but maybe someone has some advice about how to relax and just go with the flow and enjoy things? How do I challenge these thoughts and feelings?

Sorry that was a bit of a mess but hopefully some points cake through. Also just to add - there is nothing hugely wrong and he hasn't done anything wrong. He has his quirks which take a bit of getting used to, but I don't want to change him and there is no reason to think that this doesn't have legs. It's all in my head and unnecessary worry, and I think what I need is some advice (ideally from someone who has experienced this) about how to relax with it all.

By the end of the day I'm completely worn out by the endless overthinking that it makes the sex situation even worse too.

Anyone?

Tbh I would suggest therapy especially around attachment style. The problem with ADHD is that the brain seems to be wired for novelty and unpredictability. A nice calm responsive guy is probably a healthy relationship choice but he's flatlining your dopamine rather than being weird and unpredictable and delivering intermittent rewards. This is especially true if you're the anxious type attracted to avoidant men.

So, therapy? Figure it out

I think he's just excited and happy and I'm happy to go with that, but it is making me feel pressure to reciprocate

This is a contradiction. This is 'I'm happy to go along with this thing that makes me feel pressured and anxious.'

It's like you feel that there's something telling you that you should be in a relationship with him, you should be able to make it work, you should feel good, and if you don't, that means there's something wrong with you. Where do those 'should's come from?

Think about a different context; 'I don't like brussels sprouts.... what's wrong with me?', 'I don't like the walls being painted brown in this flat I've moved into... what's wrong with me?', 'I don't like ballet... what's wrong with me?'... IS IT MY ADHD?????

No. It's that you have preferences, and certain things/people/places/foods/colours/clothes/towns etc make you feel good, and others turn your nose up.

The right person will be the person with whom you can get out of your overthinking with. The person who makes you feel ok. The person who doesn't have you thinking 'Argh! Is this bad feeling because of my ADHD??'

Feelings are signposts, not irritations that have to be overcome and got over. This guy may be lovely, but if he's not floating your boat, he's not floating your boat. Most people aren't compatible with most people, and if we could make it happen, then everybody would be with their dream partner.

Stop blaming yourself and your ADHD for the fact that this relationship is causing you to feel anxious. It's nobody's fault, just like it's not the mouse's fault when it frightens someone as it runs along the skirting board! Respect your feelings. You'll have to be brave, but in doing so, you'll feel a lot less anxious.

Not read full thread, sorry. I have ADD (not hyperactive component - I'm too lazy! ) and understand what you mean. I would just dial it back a bit and see him less - if you really like him you will certainly want to see him more. Don't over think it - impossible, I know!). Give it more space and time, like you say, it's only 3 months.

@HereticFanjo I think you're right on the attachment style and wanting a bit of unpredictability. I definitely need therapy to help me through this - in on waiting lists and trying to find someone private.

@Colleen92 thanks, I think seeing him less might be a good idea!

@TheFoundations I'm not sure you're completely understanding, which is fine as it's hard to understand if you haven't got ADHD. It's definitely a function of this and overthinking - I am completely up and down about it and it depends on my mood and a whole load of other things that affect my ADHD. Thanks though and I will definitely be aware of any time that it's not the ADHD and just responding to things not being right!

I'm really hoping to hear from people who have experienced this and have some real world advice. I've read a lot about it but it's so hard putting it into practice and it's usually in hindsight that I recognise it, not in the moment.

To add to what I said and your comment about real world advice, I met my husband on a dating site - funny but long story - and we talked a tiny bit a day, "How was your day?" etc. for ages. Months. Met online in June and met in person September. By the time we met we were totally into each other. I have never taken a relationship so slowly but it's the only one that ended in a very happy marriage

That's great to hear! I think I'm struggling with the intensity because it's usually me who's the intense one! And my ADHD has always given me a terrible fear of failure and wanting to seek perfection, very all or nothing. So any little irks that are be perfectly acceptable some times bother me at other times in an irrational way. I KNOW I'm being irrational with a lot of it and there's no actual pressure or anything actually wrong. But the overthinking ruins it all.

Having ADHD doesn't mean it's right for you to over ride your feelings. Overthinking is part of who you are. You need to be with a partner who accommodates and doesn't exacerbate your overthinking.

So if somebody who is a perfectly good person causes you to constantly overthink, then you might need to find someone else.

ADHD doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of caring for your own emotions. You are an adult. It seems you see your ADHD as an enemy you need to get round in order to be successful in a relationship, when actually it's a part of you that you and any potential partner needs to accommodate and respect.

I have ADHD and work in the space.

Anxiety in itself can lead to overthinking. It is comorbid with ADHD, just like depression and more.

I’m not sure what you’re reading because ADHD in itself doesn’t work this way. What it does in relationships is make us a bit insufferable. You can see that in the divorce rates ADHD folks have.

At any rate, what you’re displaying isn’t coming off ADHD, you’re coming off very anxious. Get to the bottom of that,

Like @TheFoundations is saying, ADHD isn’t this pass to override how you feel.

@Colleen92 ADHD is the same as ADD, they just added the H. It’s the same. ADD is just the old way to refer to it. Also most women tend to have the inattentive form of ADHD.

OP Have you been clinically diagnosed? If so, have you been treated? I’m going to be real with you and say it doesn’t feel like you’ve got a real grasp on the disorder.

Basically, ADHD isn’t your issue here. It’s anxiety. Deal with the anxiety. Talk more with health professionals dealing with that and ADHD.

@JustKittenAround I have been clinically diagnosed, am on medication (but don't feel like it's working well) and I do have a really good understanding of the condition and what aspects affect me. But it affects everyone differently - my ADHD might be completely different from yours. Plus being diagnosed as an adult means that I have developed a lot of learned behaviours and habits and a lot of it is deeply ingrained.

I do have anxiety, but that gets a lot better when my ADHD. The point I am making is that when my ADHD is not managed well, it causes me to develop bad anxiety specifically through overthinking very simple things. Other times they might not even register. But if my mind is in overdrive, they get regurgitated a million times and therefore blown out of proportion. So yes, what I'm displaying is anxiety, yes, but caused by my symptoms of ADHD. So it's not a case of just dealing with the anxiety over that specific subject, as it will just manifest into something else.

It's not a healthy way to have a relationship - no one is perfect and my overthinking can turn the tiniest thing into a dealbreaker when I'm in a bad state of mind. I know it's my issue because it depends on my state of mind - this person isn't actually doing anything massively wrong or is completely incompatible. I really want to change it and hear how others manage this, as I do know that it can be a common thing.

I understand that ADHD relationship issues are often due to the other person being affected by the ADHD person but not always and exclusively.

It's hard to explain and for others to understand, maybe I made a mistake by posting this.

*better when my ADHD is well managed, is what the start of the second paragraph is meant to say.

@TheFoundations my emotions are often caused by my ADHD, and I think they are emotions that are unjustified and need challenging, and I want to do this.

I don't exclusively see my ADHD as my enemy. It gives me some great qualities and had allowed me to do some amazing things. But it can be and extremely challenging, debilitating mental condition that is absolutely EXHAUSTING. And very difficult for others to understand.

My new partner is being very understanding as I've been very honest with him about things. However, I don't think it's fair on either of us for my inability to manage my ADHD to constantly affect our relationship. It's not sustainable and it's not enjoyable for me. I am actually thinking about MY feelings here - it's affecting me more than him. I often hear on here that people are not responsible for a partner's elses's depression - they can be undestanding but it's on that person to deal with it.

I could be happy in this relationship and I'm not, and I'm asking for first-hand advice on how to challenge this overthinking, but perhaps this isn't possible.

I get that ADHD can have different symptoms. Like I said, I work in the space. It’s just not presenting as ADHD, it’s coming off as legit anxiety.

Meds might be making anxiety worse. You really should consider getting that sorted. I know I have had to in the past.

I don’t think you made a mistake posting, it’s just a mistake to be overly sensitive when people reply and don’t say the things you want to hear or don’t fully understand what you’re trying to say. Remember we can’t know everything in your life, you’re a stranger. But just look at how everyone has tried to talk with you and engage with you, that’s something special. Well at least I think it is!

Could be just me, but there is something touching about this community and how everyone tries to understand what strangers go through. Maybe I’m just a grateful person, I dunno?

But nobody on here has done anything but try to understand and give their feedback. I hope you are able to understand that.

Anyways, good luck and I hope it all works out with your fella! I hope your next anxious moment is when he proposes! :)

Thanks, I don't mean to come off as defensive. I've jsut spent a lifetime of not being understood (and not understanding myself!) and I get quite exasperated by that. And I'm sure you understand too how criticism can be really hard to deal with, and I am super sensitive. I don't always recognise this at the time!

I've actually asked for a medication review - I'm on Atomoxitine (Strattera I think) but want to try something else. Also I have not been looking after myself very well recently and I think this has made everything a million times worse!

@JustKittenAround I know I was just trying to be amusing as OP sounded quite anxious and frustrated, wasn't particularly funny so not your fault it came across seriously!

I think being diagnosed as an adult does make a difference as OP says, though. You become set in your ways in terms of becoming bored easily or rushing things to compensate - then the (usually pointless) over thinking starts as you get frustrated with yourself. Only speaking for my own experience but I understand why she means.

It must be interesting working in the field as someone that has the condition! You are more than right about the links with anxiety and depression.

I wonder if covid also has a role to play, as things have been so different and contact with strangers such as dating must have been hard to navigate since the pandemic began? Certainly adds to the feeling of wanting to make the right choices and 'make up for lost time' in terms of the dating world, although that isn't possible of course, the feeling is likely there even if it is subconscious.

@yellowcourgette How are you feeling about it now? If you are sure your issues with your feelings around this guy are related to your ADHD, have you talked to him about that or are you planning to?

Really hope it goes well for you both and cheesy as it is, if it's meant to be it will be.. blah blah.. Give yourself time. It's ok to be unsure, you are still getting to know each other so it's natural for things to be said or done that make you like him more.. or less.. Good luck!

Are you familiar with rsd?

@Colleen92. Oh sorry! Yes I can read it that way now!!!!

I was all serious face lol I get you now!

@JustKittenAround Hey, no worries - I tell jokes in person and those people, too, are all serious face... Weird.*

Can I ask you, out of pure curiosity/beakiness(!), what exactly your job/career area is and how you got into it? I'm in education (currently a sabbatical since maternity leave turned into a 3 year break mid-pandemic) and part-time artist so not remotely considering a career change but just find it really interesting!

*Yip, another lame jokey comment. I'll get my coat.

Hi OP, any update on this? I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and suffer with the exact same thing - obsessive rumination over relationships which make it hard for me to know whether I’m coming or going. It’s plying up at the moment and I feel like ending things even though I don’t think it’s the right decision. I guess it’s related to impatience and wanting to get rid of uncertainty.

How are you doing?

@Colleen92 I work in the field of Neurology. :)

@StartingAgain33 Sometimes our anxieties are telling us something… I can’t speak to how ADHD might be coming into play, but there is A LOT of evidence that the feelings you describe could be from either having a partner who is in some way abusive, or just being in a relationship with the wrong person.

I wish you well, and I can promise even those without ADHD have obsessive thoughts when it comes to our relationships.

@yellowcourgette I do hope you are well! You sounded very thoughtful and I am hopeful for your bright future!

Hi all and @StartingAgain33, sorry for not replying before now. Avoidance and all that.

It's not going great to be honest. My ADHD is pretty bad at the moment and the overthinking is exhausting. I can't relax at all and jsut go with the flow. But also just startting to think that we may be a little bit incompatible in terms of personality. He's super intense, which is sometimes lovely and sometimes exhausting. Nothing seems truly relaxing like he's putting on a bit of an act if that makes sense? Like overly happy, overly enthusiastic, it's wearing me out!

I just can't bear to be single again, I'm 36 in a few days and feel so down about it all. I just want a happy easy relationship that makes my life better, not harder.

Hi @yellowcourgette, sorry to hear that. I'm in exactly in the same boat. I basically ended the relationship on the weekend after overthinking to a very unhealthy degree about the fact he'd seemed distant (I'm pretty sure I have RSD as part of the ADHD) and instead of tolerating the uncertainty I just pushed it to its conclusion and am feeling very ashamed and not sure it was what I wanted. I also am confused because I was massively overthinking all of the things I was unsure about for a couple of weeks too, so was sort of gearing up to end things, but I think it was ADHD related as I haven't been doing any self care and also had started meds (Elvanse) which were having a terrible reaction to me and heightening my overthinking. I'm now off them but so anxious after the weekend I've hardly eaten or moved and have done no work. It's absolutely grim and I don't think it is a normal level of relationship anxiety as people are saying at all.

Ironically, my guy is / was prone to sadness and melancholy - I would have killed for a bit of happiness. Want to swap? (We would totally have both then been unhappy with the other guy, hahaha....not)

I'm 38 this year and in the same boat as you in terms of panicking and wondering why things can't just be easier. I just can't seem to relax into anything at all. It's not helped by the fact I have met a lot of strange avoidants online who have made my barriers and fears even higher.

If you ever want a private chat, please message me - I've actually never met anyone with adhd who also did this so I was relieved to read its a thing. But that doesn't mean I know what to do with it / whether I can confidently say it is just adhd and not incompatibility anyway. Ugh!

I don't know what to say about your guy. Are you doing lots of self care things to take your mind off? I get to the point where I hyper fixate and can hardly function for overthinking which makes it so much worse. I'm great when I'm single at being balanced and then he moment dating starts the unhealthy behaviours take over again. It's honestly such a waste of life, I don't know what to do.

I relate to this this lot too! Have always found it impossible not to hyperfixate on people/relationships to an unhealthy degree, either anxiously obsessing they don't like me/reassurance seeking, or if they DO show obvious signs of liking me, obsessing over whether I feel the same. It is exhausting and I've mostly opted out of relationships as I feel so much more stable/functional on my own, but it isn't what I want forever. I've never thought of it as ADHD related, I've struggled with OCD in the past and think it's related to that (it's a common OCD theme, known as 'relationship OCD'), but I was also diagnosed with ADHD a year ago so I'm sure there is an overlap. For me it is massively to do with an inability to tolerate uncertainty, and difficulty trusting my own feelings, I often feel like two completely opposite things are true and i get exhausted from trying to figure out which is 'real'.

I'm great when I'm single at being balanced and then he moment dating starts the unhealthy behaviours take over again. It's honestly such a waste of life, I don't know what to do.

I relate to this so much @StartingAgain33! It is completely exhausting and I've become incredibly avoidant of relationships, to the point i decided to have a baby on my own. Don't regret that for a second and I'm pretty happy single but don't want that forever.