ADHD and relationship anxiety

[yellowcourgette]

I am in a new relationship and struggling a bit. I have a few issues and they are currently causing me a lot of anxiety. I have depression and anxiety, plus ADHD, but have been working hard on being in a better place in life and have felt really good for the last 6 months of being single. But now I feel quite anxious again, k think mostly due to my ADHD, and I'm wondering if anyone has any insights or similar experiences.

Firstly I have had quite a traumatic time with sex in past relationships and just can't seem to relax with him. I think I am worried about it not being perfect, and I often have trouble climaxing and don't want that to ruin things. He has been nothing but understanding about this and he is very attentive and selfless, but I still can't seem to relax. Whereas I was fine (if not peeved) with my previous selfish and quite inadequate ex. What is wrong with me that when things are right I seem to find it difficult?

Secondly, he is a lovely guy and we have a lot of fun. I really like him and he's genuinely a really kind guy. But it's like I'm trying to self sabotage the relationship. The tiniest thing wrong irks me or causes me anxiety and makes me doubt it all. I seem to feel very hot and cold with it - one minute I think he's amazing and the next I'm very 'meh'. I have been reading a lot about ADHD and relationships and this seems to be a common thing. It causes me so much anxiety when I feel distant because there doesn't seem to be a reason.

I think a little bit of this is that he is pretty intense and is super into me. It's only been 3 months but he has already said he loves me. I know about love bombing and I don't think it's this at all. I think he's just excited and happy and I'm happy to go with that, but it is making me feel pressure to reciprocate. This is really hard if I'm having an anxious moment or struggling with my ADHD. I don't know how to handle the pressure, which I think is all in my head. Just to clarify here - he has never asked or made me do anything I don't want to, or made me feel bad about how I am, and it's so lovely. I'm not used to it. Maybe this has something to do with it?

This all might be difficult to understand for people without ADHD but maybe someone has some advice about how to relax and just go with the flow and enjoy things? How do I challenge these thoughts and feelings?

@JudyJ you have so hit the nail on the head - this is 100% me all the time: For me it is massively to do with an inability to tolerate uncertainty, and difficulty trusting my own feelings, I often feel like two completely opposite things are true and i get exhausted from trying to figure out which is 'real'.

My friend said I should journal through my feelings but when I do I just go back and forth - it's even hard for my therapist to know what the 'truth' is as I make very convincing arguments on either side. Currently I'm in a relationship where in my head he is really into me / insecure / needing reassurance, at the same time as not interested / thinks I'm needy etc. And I've no idea how I feel about him - it flip flops from hour to hour. One minute it's 'he's lovely and I want to make this work ' and the next it's 'I've never liked him and this needs to end'

I do think I have relationship ocd - I've read lots about it before - also I had ocd tendancies especially as a kid, needing to do things in a certain order and number of times etc.

Interesting you have had a kid on your own. I'm considering that as not sure I can fix this before time runs out...but even with the kid decision I get stuck on whether I want one or not. Did you do sperm donor?

Ugh its so hard isn't it, I wish I could just relax and stay in the present when in a relationship but I find it totally impossible! Recently ended a relationship with someone I really care about as I couldn't bear the uncertainty and never ending worry that I didn't like them enough and would end up hurting them, but i still keep questioning that decision and trying to solve the never ending riddle in my head.

Yes I used a sperm donor, and had my son when I was 33. I definitely felt like it took the pressure off finding the "right" partner within any specific time frame. I've only recently tried dating again now he's three, it is hard with a child though as I now worry about him getting attached to people and it's quite hard to keep things separate as have such little time without him.

Hi @JudyJand @StartingAgain33, everything you say resonates so much with me. It's really great to hear it's not just me but also sad to read others going through the same struggles and also not finding the answer.

I saw my boyfriend for the first time in about 2 weeks yesterday, and it was just really hard. I was so worried about having sex because I'd be overthinking it for days and days. It's been a difficult and exasperating day and again I've been going endlessly between 'this guy is great' and 'this is not going to work'. It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. On paper he is a wonderful guy and he is so kind and so into me. I should feel like the luckiest person. But I don't and I don't know why and it absolutely sucks. I feel so fed up today and just hate myself. It's like I let myself overthink the 5% to sabotage the 95%.

I want a medication review but after an admin error they've put me back at the bottom of the waiting list and won't do anything about it.

Really sorry to hear that @yellowcourgette, it is so hard isn’t it. I really don’t know what to advise. It’s torturous not being able to just have a quiet mind. Do you ever get periods of peace with it? I definitely have in some relationships I think?

Do you think medication helps with it at all? Does it help your other adhd symptoms? I think I’m still ‘coming down’ from the elvanse last week. I’ve been more anxious this week than I have in a very very long time, not feeling myself at all. I know officially it shouldn’t be in my system by now but I don’t really see any other reason for it. I need it to pass soon!