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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being sensitive or being used and disrespected

41 replies

Mscasandra123 · 15/11/2021 14:50

I have been with a guy on and off for 9 years. We met when I was young around 21. I always felt like he didn’t treat me the way I wanted to be treated. I am 6 years younger than him. I always felt he spoke down to me, patronised me. I brought it up with him many times, thought he would change. Things got better then would go downhill again.
I grew up, moved out into my own place, work 60 hours a week to pay for it so I can be independent. My partner lived with his dad and was having problems so asked to move In with me. I was very hesitant. I gave in and he moved in. Three months down the line I feel like I’m an idiot for letting him live with me. I do all the cooking, shopping etc. they say you don’t know someone until you live with them and I can honestly say I feel like he has no respect for women or knows how to treat one. Only time I receive affection is when he wants sex, he refers to women as bitches and just generally is not a nice person. We hardly ever go out. I said that I’m unhappy and do not like how he is, he’s response is I am to used to being treated well by my mum and this is how a real relationship is. I don’t believe this. A relationship is 50/50, treating each other well, doing nice things together. I have asked him to leave and he says he is not going anywhere what do I do ?

OP posts:

pastypirate · 15/11/2021 14:53

Is he on the tennancy? If he isn't get the lock changed and kick him out!!

irene9 · 15/11/2021 14:54

You are right, he's being abusive and not a nice guy.
Tell him again you no longer want to have this relationship and you are politely asking him to leave by tomorrow.
He has a place to go (his Dad's) but in any case not your problem. That you will arrange to get the rest of his stuff if he can't take it all then. Tell your parents what you are doing and get their support.
If he doesn't go, then get the locks changed when he is out.

beelover · 15/11/2021 14:54

Pack his stuff into bin bags and leave it outside the door. Don't waste any more of your time on this horrible man.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/11/2021 14:55

Pack his shit and leave it outside after changing the locks.

Peach2021 · 15/11/2021 14:55

Get shot of him love, you can do a lot better...if it's your house and he won't leave when you've asked him to, either get some big mates to be there whilst he moves himself and his stuff out, or call the police.

Once he's out, change the locks and you're done.

It's scary stuff but you can do this

HadaVerde · 15/11/2021 14:56

Change the locks when he’s out. If he causes problems at your door call the police.

Original poster

Mscasandra123 · 15/11/2021 15:00

Thank you for your replies. The flat is all in my name. After 9 years I feel like an idiot that I did not see this behaviour quicker. I feel like I am the one making all the effort and when I complain he literally just tells me that I’m just an unhappy person and if I wanted a ‘yes’ man I should have gone elsewhere. He also says that I have a problem with men in general as I do not have a relationship with my father and this is why I am never happy

OP posts:

pog100 · 15/11/2021 15:01

He just doesn't get to choose whether he lives there, does he? As all the others have said, work out the simplest and safest way to get him out of the house and out of your life.

Peach2021 · 15/11/2021 15:03

No need to feel like an idiot @Mscasandra123, these things just creep up on you when you're busy with the rest of life...important thing is you have now recognised what's going on so don't waste any more time on him.

2catsandhappy · 15/11/2021 15:03

Take a day off work. Pack his crap. Arrange a lock change/smith. Text him to fetch his crap. Switch your phone off.
Or
Take a day off work. Pack his crap. Arrange a lock change/smith. Deliver his crap to his dads. Text him. Switch your phone off.
Good luck op, get some friends/family around on that day off.

Capferret · 15/11/2021 15:03

If he won't leave call the police.
Then change the locks.

Harddecisionhelp · 15/11/2021 15:04

Any man who called women 'bitches' would not be setting foot in my house again OP, don't listen when he says this is normal, it categorically is not. I would pack his stuff and ask someone I trusted to be with me when he came home, then I'd tell him it was over and he needs to go. Any sign of him kicking off you call the police, he has no rights over your property so don't let him tell you otherwise. You can see what/who he is now and you don't want or need a man like that in your life

pog100 · 15/11/2021 15:04

And as the the rest of the demolishing of your character when you dare criticising, "well he would say that wouldn't be?!" The only thing he maybe has right is that he might have a problem with men in general due to a lack of a role model but the "problem" is that you are too soft on them, not too hard!

Original poster

Mscasandra123 · 15/11/2021 15:05

Thank you all for your supportive comments. Sometimes I guess we need an outside perspective on things because honestly I was starting to think it was me with the issue

OP posts:

MintJulia · 15/11/2021 15:05

Pack his bags now, this afternoon. Dump them on the doorstep, bolt the door and be rid of him.

Regain your self respect and your home. Then find someone who is genuinely kind and loving.

ftw163532 · 15/11/2021 15:06

He is an abuser.

Women's Aid.

Freedom Programme course.

Police if he won't leave or you feel unsafe.

Non-physical domestic abuse is a crime. There are lots of people who can help you.

Harddecisionhelp · 15/11/2021 15:07

@Mscasandra123

Thank you all for your supportive comments. Sometimes I guess we need an outside perspective on things because honestly I was starting to think it was me with the issue

That's very common in your situation OP, it's hard not to believe what they're saying when they say it all the time and with such confidence.

DontBeADodo · 15/11/2021 15:09

Get your parents round, especially Dad and fuck him off

DontBeADodo · 15/11/2021 15:09

He is a cuckoo and a cocklodger

Notyouraveragecupofcoffee · 15/11/2021 15:11

As the flat is in your name, you absolutely have the right to chuck him out.
If he's being tricky, have the locks changed while he's out at work, pack his things up and drop them off or have them dropped off at his dad's.
Block his number and move on. You deserve much, much, much better!

He's being babied by his mother, he should absolutely know how to cook, clean and do laundry.

Good luck!

50ShadesOfCatholic · 15/11/2021 15:12

And btw, it doesn't matter what other people do, what matters is whether or not you are OK with how you're being treated. You don't need anyone's permission to feel unhappy in a relationship.

Original poster

Mscasandra123 · 15/11/2021 15:16

I am not saying I am perfect but I know I need to be treated better. I do everything and when I did ask him to help me clean etc he would make a song and a dance about it and it just has become to exhausting. If I complained I get asked am I on ‘the blob’ meaning am I on my period, even this expression I started to feel absolutely disgusted with

OP posts:

ftw163532 · 15/11/2021 19:49

@Mscasandra123

Seriously, I think you would find the Freedom Programme course to be a revelation. It's basically written about this man and your life.

Cakequeen1988 · 15/11/2021 19:57

He is terrible, follow the wise advice here.

Take a day off work and when he goes out have a lock smith already booked in to change the locks (though you tube will show you how, it isn’t too hard) and take his stuff to his dads. Call the police non emergency number and note with them you are concerned of his reaction. This will be on file should you ring if he turns up angry

HairyFanjoBanjo · 15/11/2021 20:02

Please god, just kick him out, he sounds truly grim and you sound lovely!

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