When you Google something…

[Nov910]

And feel like you’ve been hit by a train.

Partner of five years. As they go started off amazingly, everything in common, fun,neither of us any ties. Talked about living together thats slowly where it started ruining us in parts.

Aside from the excuses regarding that there have been other things that I haven’t quite understood. He would do things that I would mention to friends that just didn’t feel right. Not major things, just things that you know other people wouldn’t do.
I started trying to figure out what it was and realised that he has an avoidant attachment, that was hard enough to get my head around and I thought I’d be able to work with it.
I then googled narcissist and feel like I’ve just been hit by a train. All those little things that I couldn’t quite get my head around equate to a much bigger picture.

This guy was loving and attentive and everything I could’ve ever asked for, yet on the other hand selfish, self entitled and like a two-year-old in an adults body.
The Strange reactions to things, and doing what he wanted to do and seeing no wrong in it.
The silent treatment
The lack of empathy
The now making things up to detract a situation off him..it’s such a hard thing because your head feels like it’s split in two.

Yes. It's incredible isn't it? It'll take a while but eventually your head will not be split in two and you will see him as you superbly described him: self entitled and like a two-year-old in an adults body.

It's actually incredibly sad for a person to suffer from NPD because it's not really of their own making; it develops in childhood. Sadder even more is that they will rarely ever realise there is something wrong so won't seek professional help even when it is suggested.

@justgettingonwith thanks..it certainly doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
I think because over 5 yrs it’s been so well ‘unbalanced’ it’s made it go on for so long.
I’ve had many a silent treatment from him, despite mentioning he will have reasons why it’s not his fault.
Basically so long as I give him attention, happiness, almost a month we figure we are all good. I won’t lie he was very attentive, caring and loving, but it was hard to know when that may change. Only 2 weeks ago did we have an amazing time away together, now this.
Yea you are right, the saddest part is they will think the are right in how they are and justify the behaviour while ruining effectively their future.

That's why all the 'attachment style' shit irritates me so much. People going through abuse stumble accross that and think it explains their partners behaviour and as a result they often don't look further and continue to try to explain away and excuse the abuse.

You might not feel it atm, but you are so lucky you came accross the info on narcissists. You are in an abusive relationship. That's a hell of a realisation to come to. But at least now you know, you can formulate a plan to escape it.

Narcissists are terrifying things. They can pretend to be like us, but they are not. Keep reading, keep learning about them. And find your anger, that will help you get away.

Melanie tonia Evans does good youtube videos on narcissists.

Do not use the word around him though. Never accuse a narcissist of being one. They will turn it round on you, headfuck and gaslight.

Just left my H after realising he is a narcissist. Together for 6 years.

It's painful. It's a rollercoaster for me. I've left 2.5 weeks ago now.

Some days I'm so ready for freedom and the next I find myself wondering if I've got it all wrong.

We have a DS together so I can't stop contacting him completely. He's still very much in my life but at a distance.

Take it a day at a time. I really don't believe my H will ever change. I don't believe any of them do. But it doesn't stop me feeling bad for him. There is no denying his childhood has made him who is is today. His childhood was horrific. He refuses to seek help so I have to leave.

Sorry op. But at least now you have realised and it's not you going crazy!

I have a lot of work to do on myself. Even though I have moved out of our family home and staying at my mums, I still feel I'm walking on egg shells all the time. I have no idea how he has controlled me so much without it being obvious

Good luck op x

@pinkbonbon sorry you’re going through the same. It must be so much harder with a child too. Like you say it’s very hard to understand how you got so far without seeing things..you probably did but like those of us who have experienced it we suddenly get to a point where we see it differently.

@kelseypops I just feel sad. Sad for him, sad for me. We made a great couple, if he got his own way. I won’t lie it was far and few between but o can’t walk on eggshells wondering if I’ve said something wrong, if he’s thinking something that makes him unhappy and clearly doesn’t tell me into a row erupts, now I’ve had gaslighting it changes everything. I just feel like I’ve lost a best friend

@Nov910 - yes, it's a real shock isn't it? And the difficult thing is somehow making peace with the 'deceit' of the relationship not really ever being real. That's the hardest part, I think - trying to understand it all. But in reality the only thing you can understand is that it wasn't healthy because he was never the person you fell in love with.

Yet coming out of this kind of relationship gives you the most tremendous sense of freedom in time and you WILL be ok one day.

@KintsugiForever but how do you walk away when you still love them, love their family, know they never really let you down?
I know there’s other reasons, but he’s like my safety blanket and I hate that it’s slipped off

@Nov910 I would ask you why you feel the need to walk away? What is it that you cannot handle anymore?

I have been there (twice sadly - one 14 year relationship and one 7 month relationship - spot the one which came first!) and I can't give you the answers, but I think those of us who have been in this situation all have the same level of confusion which is why we hang on far longer than we deep down know we should.

I'll give you my take on it - the beginning of the relationship is so 'perfect' that it creates a facade that this person will be there forever for you. No matter how strong or independent you are, there is something very seductive about thinking you have met the person who will always be there for you. But, from my experience, when he said those words ie 'I've never met anyone like you', or 'I can't believe I waited all my life to find the one' (etc etc etc)...part of me thought it was too good to be true and felt 'off', the other part of me WANTED to believe it. That may be your 'safety blanket' reference?

You walk away because you know it's not real, because he is messing with your mind, because you are confused, because you are crying and having to write lists down to keep you focused on what you know is right. It is really really hard. But keep going forward - because going back opens you up to far more disappointment and pain. Accepting the silent treatment, the walking on eggshells etc means that you are setting yourself up for worst treatment in the future.

@KintsugiForever thanks that helps.

Ok so he’s
Loving
Attentive
Affectionate
Caring
Thoughtful
Reliable
Responsible
Honest

But he’s also
Told me something and strung it out changing the goalposts and twisting it I’ve these last few years. I accepted that so although relevant I feel I can handle it
He can sulk if he feels targeted or attacked, even though I have never intentionally done that ‘that’s how he feels’
He can be so supportive when I need him, but has a huge lack of empathy?

Can’t work out if he’s a dismissive avoidant or a narcissist and what’s worse?!

I could have written your post 10 years ago. I googled the behaviours I was observing and NPD-grandiose came up. Suddenly it all made sense. I was lucky that I was only 9 months down the road with him but it still took a while to leave and it took me finding my anger at the lies and deceit to walk away. It took over a year to recover but recover I did.

One part of my recovery was becoming friends with one of his many exes and discovering that she had had it worse, much worse and I had got off lightly. He'd strung her along for over 20 years whilst simultaneously lining up and starting new affairs with many other women.

We've stayed friends and away from him, just before I left him he'd been bragging about how it would just take one text and she would "come scuttling back". She was in therapy when we met to talk about our recoveries and we supported each other through our sharing of his ways. We discovered that he had used the same promises of marriage, in a particular church, the same phrases (all from characters in novels or films whose personae he would adopt from time to time and situation to situation), knowing all this helped both of us and we could laugh at the sheer madness of his disorder. We never felt sorry for him, his nastiness knew no bounds once riled.

Stay strong, stay away, build a new life and get therapy would be my advice. He is not your rock, he is life sucking quick sand filled with leeches.

@Mxflamingnoravera - wow, I have wondered if I should get in touch with my most recent ex's ex (and his new 'supply' - I have both their contact details). I've resisted until now though as I feel it may reverse my recovery. I will agree with you on the 'script' thing too. For fun I copied and pasted a poem he had said he'd written for me, into Google - it wasn't his work at all! Made me chuckle, but also I wonder how many women he'd used it on as well. He was alarmingly predictable when you know what narcissist behaviour is.

@Nov910 - to answer your question about the difference between NPD and dismissive avoidant? Honestly, I'm not a professional so I don't know, NPD is a personality disorder that has to be diagnosed and it is very rare for someone to want to change, and to successfully manage to do so, even if the desire is there. They are mostly unaware as the disorder enables their behaviour - it is a protective mechanism for the dark chasm inside of them (you usually see this horrible glimpse of what that is like when they get really angry. I think I saw it about 3 times in my shorter relationship this year, but many times with my exH).

So, I would say that ultimately, it doesn't really matter what it is, if it is making you unhappy. If you really feel you need to know for your own peace of mind, there are a lot of resources online but be careful not to focus too much on this because there is a fine line between educating yourself and staying 'stuck' in trying to understand him. It can hamper you moving on. Perhaps look at a few sessions with a counsellor which will help you with your feelings either way?

@Mxflamingnoravera thanks for your reply and sorry to hear you’ve had it bad.
The thing is I haven’t had any lies. I haven’t had any physical hurt or shouting etc..just when he doesn’t get what he wants he can sulk. He’s learnt to apologise since being with me, he’s learnt what annoys me..part of me feels like I’ve got to that point where o have him well trained and I’ve overreacted over a small thing. I’m not speaking to him (not sulking) all I get though from his lack of trying is a reminder of his silent treatment.
Watching YouTube says sometimes they don’t think/need space..have I been hasty?

Why do you think you've been hasty? Does he make you happy?

In the past I have been ten years with a sulker.
Do not make the mistake I made ! Those yeras of wondering what I'd done wrong are not coming back.
They silent-treat you to punish you and to get you where they want you te be: at their feet, admiring their superiority over you. The periods they treat you nicely are there to keep you on their hook. If they were horrible all of the time, their game would not work.
Good luck !

In your first post you say he's "making things up to detract from him" is that not lying?

Mine was too "dignified" (his word- "keep your dignity") in public to show the angry side to many, but the rage would bubble up when he was thwarted from obtaining something he wanted. he wasn't physically violent to me but carried a seven inch blade in his bag at all times.

If he's causing you to tie yourself up in knots and question everything the way you are in your two threads, I have to conclude that you have not been hasty and you need to cut yourself free of him. Angsting over DA vs Narc makes no difference, you are feeling unhappy and uncomfortable or you wouldn't be here asking these questions.

Has he 'learned to apologise'with you or has he learned apologies work with you?

He hurts you and you and us so rotten that you suspect he is a narcissist... that's 99% shitty. If a relationship is 5% shitty, you should walk away.

What's up with him asside, you also need to look inwards to ask the question of why you are even STILL asking if you've been hasty in wanting to end things.

If someone treats you like crap, it doesn't matter what the reason is because there is no excuse for it and you should not tolerate it.

Of course narcissists have a way of enthralling people. But now you see what he is. Or at least, that he shares similarities with what is essentially in the same personalty cluster as a psychopath. So you give yourself permission now to stop looking for excuses for his bs.

He is bad abd your relationship is toxic.
Set yourself free.

Thanks all. I feel so lost without him. So broken, confused and hurt.

@Nov910

Thanks all. I feel so lost without him. So broken, confused and hurt.

That's because he's mixed up what you recognise as love with toxicity, in a sort of poisonous cocktail. Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? It's when your head tries to believe 2 opposing truths at once and it screws up your emotions. It happens to victims of narcissistic abuse because they are being led to believe (by their deceptive but hideously convincing partners) that they are both loved and loathed at the same time.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326738#overview

Thanks. I guess I don’t see him as a horrible narc, just a selfish one. Most of the time it doesn’t affect me. I guess I have the odd trigger though when it does.

You don't have to see him as anything. All that matters is how you feel. And 'hit by a train' was what you said. Any relationship that triggers that feeling, by any means, is bad for you.

I meant hit by a train as in the shock of seeing the behaviours listed..I do really miss him, I’m just sad it’s not fixeable

@Nov910

I meant hit by a train as in the shock of seeing the behaviours listed..I do really miss him, I’m just sad it’s not fixeable

Yes, that's included in what I said, that's why I said 'by any means'.

Nobody who is providing you with an attachment that's good for you will leave you with a 'hit by a train' feeling, regardless of what disorders/traits you read about.

As @Pinkbonbon says - with bells on...

Do not use the word around him though. Never accuse a narcissist of being one. They will turn it round on you, headfuck and gaslight.

I made this mistake. Now I'm the 'narcissist' and the list of my faults is endless. He won't leave though. I question why he stays if I'm so horrible - he never has an answer and there is nothing keeping him here. It's my home and he could go to his mother's.

@TheFoundations yea I know you’re right. I think it’s harder as we’ve only done weekends and the odd holidays, as much as I felt invested by him there were parts where I didn’t.
@BeggarsMeddle I wouldn’t use it. Funnily he works in the mental health field, you can imagine how well that would be received!