When you Google something…

[Nov910]

And feel like you’ve been hit by a train.

Partner of five years. As they go started off amazingly, everything in common, fun,neither of us any ties. Talked about living together thats slowly where it started ruining us in parts.

Aside from the excuses regarding that there have been other things that I haven’t quite understood. He would do things that I would mention to friends that just didn’t feel right. Not major things, just things that you know other people wouldn’t do.
I started trying to figure out what it was and realised that he has an avoidant attachment, that was hard enough to get my head around and I thought I’d be able to work with it.
I then googled narcissist and feel like I’ve just been hit by a train. All those little things that I couldn’t quite get my head around equate to a much bigger picture.

This guy was loving and attentive and everything I could’ve ever asked for, yet on the other hand selfish, self entitled and like a two-year-old in an adults body.
The Strange reactions to things, and doing what he wanted to do and seeing no wrong in it.
The silent treatment
The lack of empathy
The now making things up to detract a situation off him..it’s such a hard thing because your head feels like it’s split in two.

I'm in a sort of similar Position op. There are a few huge red flags with DP...And there just feels generally something off. But he's generally lovely to me, and we have such a great time together. It's just occasionally like a mask slips and I see a different side to him that I don't like. If we every argue he gets highly defensive and verbally a bit mean, but in an ice cold way-it's really unsettling.
I know in my heart of hearts it isn't good-but I also feel head over heels for him-and I miss him hugely when we aren't together. My head just feels scrambled and I don't know what to do.

@scooterbear how long have you been together? Are the incidents getting more frequent or is there no real pattern, and when he upsets you, do you tell him how you feel?

Feeling as confused as you are isn't a good sign, regardless. And it seems there is cognitive dissonance setting in.

@scooterbear yes you’ve worded it the way I should have! All good until a slight slip of the mask and you think ? It’s definitely not right, sometimes I just wonder if because I was in such a long relationship prior I just don’t know what other people are like. But our gut is normally right to something off.
As the pp said do you feel he’s getting worse or just a consistent? Mine seemed to learn and change some bits, sadly his twisting of things and sulking haven’t

Not all narcissists are grandiose. Some are covert and they are in many ways more deadly as they are harder to spot because they can hide it so well, most if the time. They are very good at doing lots of little things for you, seeming generous with both deeds and money.

And yet everything is always on their terms. They protect their own interests at all times. And woe betide you if you ever cross them in a serious way. You think the silent treatment is bad? Hurt them deeply and you'll rue the day you met him...

It's been about a year and a half. Incidents are getting more frequent of late as we've got more serious I guess. Or we on the face of it we should be more comfortable.
It's me telling him if I'm upset about something that triggers him for want of a better word. Ie we had a disagreement last night as is going away for the 3 nights with work next week and had only mentioned one of them. I said thathad upset me a bit -we don't usually go longer than a night apart really-and that's mainly as his Instigation-the lack of communication is annoying not the going away itself. He got super defensive, but in a very icy way, became very dismissive and patronising -just totally not what he usually is. That happens every time there is any sort of issue that might be down to him. It seems like nothing written down but its incredibly unsettling.

@scooterbear I completely get where you’re coming from. I have many examples with mine that were the same. The almost ‘annoyance’ ‘irritated look’ is strange? I even got told ‘it’s non of your business’ over a really simple thing he clearly felt targeted over. Honestly I don’t get it.

Of course you don't get. And you never will. The mindset of a narc is so completely different from yours. There is, at the end if the day, no point in trying to figure him out. Your energy is better spent on figuring out why he still has you in his thrall, and how you can extricate yourself. And stay strong in the face of his hoovering - because he will try, in order to play with you some more.

The problem with googling narcisist is that you get a list of behaviours so long some will be bound to fit. If you find that helpful then fine, but imo if a man is behaving badly to you, there's only one label he needs: Ex.

@FlowerArranger I know and you’re right in what you say. I guess I struggle because it was so few and far between. Weeks/months could go by and I’d think we were ok, then even the smallest thing triggered silent treatment. I know no relationship is perfect I’m just saying it’s hard after such a long time with someone

It's difficult to say if that behaviour is narcissistic by itself (as it's a pattern of behaviours), but I would just say that if anything feels 'off' or 'strange' or 'unsettling' then I would seriously consider moving on. A healthy relationship has its ups and downs, of course, but you shouldn't ever feel that unsure, or like you are second guessing yourself.

Narcissistic relationships usually follow a pattern of love bomb- devalue - discard. It could be that you are in the devalue or discard phase, but it could just be that he's not a very nice person, or has communication issues. But, again, someone who snaps or belittles you because of your feelings doesn't really care about you. Your feelings are valid and he is showing that he just doesn't care enough to discuss things or put your mind at ease.

@KintsugiForever thanks. Yes you’re totally right. It’s so hard, and I’m not willing to over analyse but I do know somethings not right.
I guess he’s amazing I’m so many ways it’s hard to separate what’s right and wrong sometimes. Very loving but ‘sometimes’ not when he wants. Very attentive wanting to hear my plans (yet seemingly frustrated if it’s good?) always wanting attention..the sulking attitude/face of what he wants doesn’t go to plan..the lack of money..but he does have money?! (Non of my business that as don’t live with him so don’t need to know) yeah just ‘bits’

It's very hard. Lots of love to you OP