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Original poster

Would you send a handwritten apology?

36 replies

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 09:14

I was dating someone really nice but got into an argument and now it's ended (fault on both sides but I accept why he is so upset, it was me that caused it to go this far). I apologised by text but didn't fully explain, it was very early when he was still upset.

I don't really want to describe what happened as it sounds poor on his part but actually wasn't. Suffice to say, neither of us cheated, lied, abused or did anything terrible, there was just a misunderstanding exaccerbated by my past experiences.

I've seen him looking at my dating profile so don't think he wants to forget I ever existed. He hasn't blocked me or anything.

I'd like to send a card or letter with a handwritten apology, explaining why I acted as I did, that I understand his reaction and feelings that I feel he is a good man and deserves a fuller picture (if not the full details of my past).

Of course I would love this to lead to a reunion, being honest, but am fully accepting of the fact it may not, and that I may not hear back. It's more about letting him know I am sorry and resolving the upset.

There's also a practical point as he gave me something he might want back for sentimental reasons. I thought I could mention this and ask him to let me know if yes, he does want it back.

I feel like we are in this position thanks to misinterpretation caused by texting so don't want to just send another text, and he wouldn't accept my call at the time of the row so don't want to keep ringing. He's somewhat closed the shutters on me.

We weren't dating long, only a few months, but got on extremely well hence (I know he was very keen on me) not wanting to just leave it on a nasty note.

Would a card/ letter come across ok, do you think, or is it an odd thing to do, especially at such an early stage?

OP posts:
anon12345anon · 15/11/2021 09:22

If it were me, think I'd text once more to see if he'd like to talk ( and you can ask him about the sentimental item).....

But to be honest it shouldn't be this difficult at the start of a relationship...

Flowers
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 09:32

Thanks for the suggestions anon

Yep I definitely get this But to be honest it shouldn't be this difficult at the start of a relationship I imagine he's thinking the same. This was kind of my fault though, and I know it wouldn't be a regular thing, just an unfortunate thing to disagree on.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 15/11/2021 09:40

No, the relationship is over. He is rightly or wrongly upset with you and no longer wants to be with you. You have apologised via text (incidentally, has he apologised for his part in this?). A handwritten note just feels a bit stalkerish and OTT.

Text him to tell him you'll drop off or post his sentimental item back to him.

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2021 09:43

Seems like you’re not compatible
Ask him if he wants whatever it is back and move on

HeronLanyon · 15/11/2021 09:49

It doesn’t feel to me that a shortish note - not a card because they have significance of sorts - would be ‘stalkerish’. Here you also have practical reason (the return of an item).
If it were me I’d start with the practical reason followed by short matter of fact explanation ending with ‘please let me know about the item’
If I received such a note, given what you’ve said about the relationship I would read it as intended.
Be 100% sure you are not writing it in any way in hopes to reconcile. If you do. That is likely to be very apparent to the reader.

Maulstick · 15/11/2021 09:50

I feel like we are in this position thanks to misinterpretation caused by texting so don't want to just send another text, and he wouldn't accept my call at the time of the row so don't want to keep ringing. He's somewhat closed the shutters on me.

I think there's your answer, really -- but just curious as to what you think would be less open to misinterpretation in a handwritten (or indeed wordprocessed) letter as distinct from a text message? Unless you're someone who uses textspeak and that muddled the meaning that caused the row...?

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 10:00

Maulstick sorry, do you mean he's closed off so I should leave it?

Interesting question and tbh realistically I'm not so sure other than that this medium seems to allow a bit more room for detail, thought and editing (I would draft it first) rather than texting where it is a short snippet that doesn't always explain the whole idea or circumstance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 10:02

This also feels a bit more in the real world also, rather than just continuing the conversation by text.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 10:02

And less intrusive in a way since it wouldn't require a response unless he either wants the item back or wants to talk.

OP posts:
Maulstick · 15/11/2021 10:05

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

Maulstick sorry, do you mean he's closed off so I should leave it?

Interesting question and tbh realistically I'm not so sure other than that this medium seems to allow a bit more room for detail, thought and editing (I would draft it first) rather than texting where it is a short snippet that doesn't always explain the whole idea or circumstance.

Yes, that's what I meant -- if he wasn't taking your calls, then he didn't want to have further communication with you. How long ago did things end?

You can certainly draft and edit thoughtful text messages, too, though -- is what you feel you have to say to him incredibly long or something?

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 10:10

Understood, thanks.

It was only a few days ago that things ended, I was going to leave it a couple of weeks anyway.

Well, actually it is quite personal rather than long. I feel a bit odd following the conversation we had with this but do actually want him to have an idea where my reaction came from (as I say, no major details).

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 10:20

I'd leave it. You're clearly not compatible.
It's been a few days and you have an active profile on a dating site.

Post his item back. Learn from your mistakes and move forward on your own.

Mywingshurt · 15/11/2021 10:21

I think it can be quite cathartic to get all your feelings out on paper and may provide some form of closure for you, in the way of processing etc.

There's no guarantee he'll even acknowledge it though, that'll bring a whole new feeling of hurt...

MartyHart · 15/11/2021 10:31

Could you just return the item with a note that says you are sorry for the way things ended, a little bit more explanation and say you felt you should return the item as you know it has sentimental value to him. Then wish him well?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 10:47

A letter - a physical item that arrives at your home - is WAY more intrusive than a text or email.

If the item is something he gave you, rather than lent you, there is no need to worry about it.

It sounds like you're looking for reasons to contact him.

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 10:54

@MartyHart

Could you just return the item with a note that says you are sorry for the way things ended, a little bit more explanation and say you felt you should return the item as you know it has sentimental value to him. Then wish him well?
Sending a note with the item is manipulative. She'd be using that as an excuse to contact him.
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 10:56

evenmore The item, I don't feel comfortable just keeping it without asking, although it was given as a gift so I doubt he will ask for it back. That isn't a pretext to start a conversation, I would want to ask about that anyway.

OP posts:
AmIteallythatstupid · 15/11/2021 10:57

I think I'd personally leave it. You obviously feel that your behaviour or reaction has probably played a bigger part in the break up and maybe you are feeling by writing a letter explaining the reasons behind your reaction may in someway convince him to start talking again? But realistically it would probably be better to explore those reasons yourself and work on overcoming or coming to terms with them so you can avoid the same reaction with someone else in the future.

Xx

AmIteallythatstupid · 15/11/2021 10:59

Ps regarding the gift, if it meant that much to him he'd ask for it back....plus if he wanted an excuse to talk you he could use that....the fact he's done neither is reason enough not to worry about it. Pop it in a drawer snd forget about it

LemonTT · 15/11/2021 11:05

Do you think he would read a letter in which you set out an explanation for your personality or behaviour. It might be relevant in a long term relationship as an act of closure but not after a period of dating. He’s not your therapist, and it would be weird if he wanted to be.

The whole point of dating is to get to know someone and decide if you want to continue seeing him or her. When it becomes obvious that you don’t then you end it. Which is what at least one of you did.

And it’s not about disagreeing, it was the fact you couldn’t disagree without arguing and falling out. That’s a two to tango situation. Resolvable if you were a committed couple but not usually when dating.

Dating is the fun and exciting bit of life. It’s not about arguing and angst.

Deal with whatever legacy issues you have and then start dating.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 11:05

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

evenmore The item, I don't feel comfortable just keeping it without asking, although it was given as a gift so I doubt he will ask for it back. That isn't a pretext to start a conversation, I would want to ask about that anyway.
Then send 1 text, "Hi, did you want your xyz back? Let me know and I'll post it. Thanks."
Smiler79 · 15/11/2021 11:12

Do you think he’s not texting you because he can see you’re on the dating site? You checked but he’ll be able to see your active I guess. He might just think you moved on ?
Can you email rather than write a letter?

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 11:22

@Smiler79

Do you think he’s not texting you because he can see you’re on the dating site? You checked but he’ll be able to see your active I guess. He might just think you moved on ? Can you email rather than write a letter?
Not sure about that tbh. He was angry and upset at what happened so I'd say more that. Funnily enough, I don't actually have his email address! It just never came up for us to send anything by email
OP posts:
LoveComesQuickly · 15/11/2021 11:26

I understand your feelings on this OP. If you don't have his email address (pity as I think that would have been better) it's not possible to write a detailed explanation for something in a text message. And I understand that you want closure and a chance to explain yourself.

So I think on balance I would write to him as you're suggesting. But as you say don't really expect a reply.

IncompleteSenten · 15/11/2021 11:30

I'd send him his item back with an apology for your part in whatever happened (no explanations or manipulative stuff) and wish him the best in the future.