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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn’t want to see baby but wants older children

28 replies

Coconutyellow05 · 15/11/2021 08:27

Hey so my partner of 15 years has just decided to walk out and admit there is someone else - I’m absolutely devastated - I am in the family home at the moment although that is all up in the air with selling/ him buying me out etc - he now lives with his parents - he has our older daughter to stay over 1 night (not a weekend as he is at the pub) he will take our 3 year old out shopping but that’s us and doesn’t even ask to take the baby - I have asked him to have them this weekend but he has refused and said he doesn’t want them overnight only my eldest. I don’t actually want him to hav them so do I just accept it and let him live the single life - or would you make a scene and force him to have them - I wasn’t sure if I could say no and then in a few years time would he demand to start having them as they will be easier?

OP posts:
endofagain · 15/11/2021 08:33

I think you need legal advice and a claim for maintenance. As you are not married your rights are limited to what you can prove in terms of your financial contribution to the house etc.
You aren't very clear about what you actually want regarding access.
How old is the baby?

smoko · 15/11/2021 08:38

I don’t think you should force any child on an unwilling parent, no.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/11/2021 08:51

Yes that's pretty much what my ex did. Didn't bother much all the years it was hard work but was happy to have them when they were Independant and could help around the house lol. Fuckers aren't they?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/11/2021 08:52

You can't force him to have them, no. Do you think he's trying to mess up your career?

Original poster
Coconutyellow05 · 15/11/2021 09:32

Sorry I wasn’t very clear - we aren’t married - at the moment he is still paying al the bills etc but that could all change - I’m on maternity leave so not even back at work yet so I can’t even apply for a mortgage on my own etc.
I don’t really want him to have them but I’m worried in 3 years time he will then try and be father of the year and get shared custody or something

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 15/11/2021 11:35

@Lauren247
Sorry but I would have to say no, it's all of them or none of them you don't get to pick and choose what dc you want. Or get to opt out of being a parent.

TurnUpTurnip · 15/11/2021 11:39

Someone needs to tell my ex you can’t opt out of parenting as he certainly has! Hes seen our kids about 5 times in 4 years and has never had them over night not even once in 4 years
Since we split, you can’t force someone to be a parent

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 11:40

It would be incredibly harmful to your children to be forcing them on him. Let your oldest make her own choices. He's a cunt - she'll work it out.

Bookworm20 · 15/11/2021 12:29

As much as you don't want to force the Dc on him if he doesn't want them. he doesn't get to opt out of being a parent.
And he doesnt get to pick which DC he has over.
And he doesn't get to not have them because he is going to the pub!
He is currently living with his parents? So are they decent and would make sure the dc are ok?
If so, then I'd be saying to him he has all of them every other weekend or he has none of them.
Its not pick and mix or a hobby to fit in when he has free time.

Original poster
Coconutyellow05 · 15/11/2021 22:26

It’s awful isn’t it - my poor boys have don’t nothing wrong - he has no patience with the younger ones and says the crying made him leave - he now wants us out the house ASAP - even though we are both joint on the mortgage it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
Forestdweller11 · 15/11/2021 22:41

In response to a pp. He can totally opt out from being a parent if he wants to. No one can force him to have the children if he doesn't want them.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/11/2021 22:49

How many and what ages op?

RaisedByPangolins · 15/11/2021 22:52

Name change fail OP? Report to Mnhq and they can change your posts to the original name to make it easier for people to see your replies.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 15/11/2021 22:56

I would not be allowing him to pick and hose which child he takes. That could have a devastating effect on the ones he refuses to have when they get old enough to realise.

Communicate in writing.

RaisedByPangolins · 15/11/2021 22:56

In response to your question, no I wouldn’t force a child to spend time with a parent who didn’t want them.

He may well decide to try and play dad of the year in a few years time, but he will have missed out on building a relationship with them and they may choose not to accept his pathetic offerings, especially as he will have been seeing the eldest. TBH if I were you i would try to phase out that too, as the favouritism will damage all of your children. Even the eldest who seems to be benefitting from it, as her siblings will resent her.

Make sure you’re getting maintenance, don’t show him that he’s getting to you or in any way causing you a problem. Have other people who you can rely on for childcare, paid or not, so that you don’t have to ask him to have them as a favour to you. Not needing him will piss him off so much more.

And as he’s the sort of man who can happily walk away from his own DCs they aren’t missing anything by not having him in their life. Flowers

Original poster
Coconutyellow05 · 15/11/2021 22:57

We have 3 children - a daughter who is 7 - and 2 sons - 3 and 4 months - he takes our daughter out and has her to stay once a week - he however has only taken my 3 year old out once and the baby is lucky if she gets a cuddle once a week - it’s so sad but he never wanted them anyway - they have always been hassle and he just can’t cope with young children

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 15/11/2021 23:36

@Coconutyellow05
Tell him not to bother to call round again, kids r better of without it. He's damaging the younger two by doing this

My friends exp use to do this they had 2 daughters together one 4 and other not even one he use to take the 2 out for an hour on a Friday then drop the baby home and drive of with oldest for the night. Baby use to be left crying at 8 months its like she knew what was going on.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/11/2021 23:41

Cancel your daughter's visitation. You do not want him to create a division between siblings by having her become the "Golden ChIld".
Don't try to force him to behave like a parent -- the children will see that they are being used to punish Dad for leaving. What child wants to see themselves as a punishment?
Work on the right here and right now. Get a solicitor. Make copies of all bank records. Open an account in your own name. Find out what benefits you are eligible for as a single parent. Check out nurseries, child minders, and nannies. Prepare for life as a single mother. You can do it!

Enough4me · 15/11/2021 23:42

Don't leave the house until you've had financial advice. I was married and able to pay the mortgage after divorce, so I took my exes equity as he has a massive pension and didn't have the DC overnight when they were young (but I had a stable income from mortgage and he had higher wage to afford new mortgage).

gamerchick · 15/11/2021 23:42

@RaisedByPangolins

Name change fail OP? Report to Mnhq and they can change your posts to the original name to make it easier for people to see your replies.
It's usually deliberate I think. Why I've no idea.
Original poster
Coconutyellow05 · 16/11/2021 06:31

I’m so stuck between dropping the children with him and saying here have them or feel like I just have to continue - his family have Money to take me to court so I think if I stop this we will end up there - will they take messages etc into account or will I just look the bad parent for stopping him seeing them

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 16/11/2021 08:07

I think you should just go with this. He is a totally reluctant parent so just chill out in it and he won’t be fighting you for custody. Concentrate on getting some good legal advice and keeping things nice your end for the kids. He sounds a selfish twat and you’re well rid xx

Babyghirl · 16/11/2021 09:10

@Coconutyellow05
Seek legal advice, I don't think a judge will allow him to pick and choose what dc he wants to take he's has responsibility to the 3 of them. You be surprised what kids pick up on the 3 year old will feel it why they r being left behind and can damage them.

Winniemarysarah · 16/11/2021 09:27

@Coconutyellow05

I’m so stuck between dropping the children with him and saying here have them or feel like I just have to continue - his family have Money to take me to court so I think if I stop this we will end up there - will they take messages etc into account or will I just look the bad parent for stopping him seeing them
Going to court is not a bad thing op. If he goes to court for contact then he has to decide on what days/times etc he wants to see them, and if he wants contact to continue then he has to stick to the order that the judge gives him. There’s not a chance in hell he’s going to force you into court and then say in front of the judge ‘I want contact, but only with my eldest because I can’t be arsed for babies. And only on a day in the week when I’m not busy coz I’m gonna be at the pub every weekend’. He’s not going to get awarded too much as you can insist that siblings have contact together, and the baby’s only young and still needs mum. I’d put it in writing (maybe even get a solicitor to send a letter) that you are not stopping him from seeing the children, but he will only be seeing them when he decides on regular, set days every week where he’ll be spending time with ALL of them. Due to the children’s mental health and wellbeing, picking and choosing a favourite child to spend time with around his drinking hours is no longer going to continue. Nothing about that is unreasonable.
timeisnotaline · 16/11/2021 09:30

As a pp says, going to court is nto all bad. Him getting to visibly play favorites with his dc is all bad, including for your dd. I’d just say no to contact, they are a package deal and I won’t have them hurt by you like this.

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