Grieving the loss - after the affair

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I previously posted here about discovering my husbands affair. Not sure how to link it. Basically we have both moved out and house has sold but in recent days I’ve been hit by this overwhelming grief.

I find myself crying randomly during the day. He was a complete shit to me and is emotionally incontinent. So not sure why I feel like this.

I am not ready to date and to be honest wouldnt have a clue as we were together a very long time and it’s just not something at the forefront for me right now. I am trying to keep busy for when I don’t have the kids but some days I just want to stay in my bed and hide and cry.

Is this normal, any tips for those who have already been through this. I’m flummoxed as normally just get on with shit and I kinda am but the crying!

It's a completely understandable reaction. When something as big as this happens, it's essential to take time to process it before you hit the reset button and get on with life. It's all part of taking stock as to what happened before you move on. A very healthy and necessary reaction, rather than just ploughing on with life. Taking time to grieve for what you've lost, no matter how bad the marriage is, is a good thing. Best wishes for a happier future.

I haven't been through that exact situation but forst of all im so sorry you're going through this and secondly I'd imagine its quite normal that when you're right in the midst of it all there's plenty of stress, adrenaline, cortisol and afterwards there's an emptiness. It reminds me a bit of death. The funeral planning etc keeps people occupied and afterwards is when the real grieving begins.

Agree with PP - you’ve lost the relationship you spent many years (decades?) in and have sold the family home. You will get to a good place but it’s natural that you should be feeling pretty overwhelmed with shock and grief now. It’s really important to feel it (which you obviously are) - the feelings will pass sooner if you allow yourself to feel them. As a PP has said, adrenaline has probably carried you through to now.

Thank you everyone! I think you are all absolutely right. I’ve been so focused on getting out and putting a new home together I haven’t stopped and now that I have wow the grief is overwhelming. Yes we were together 3 decades.

Ive not known anything different and I’ve started thinking things but have stopped myself and reread my diary of all the things he has said and done over the last 12+ months as I would be an absolute idiot to go back having already given him a second chance.

Thank you. It’s super lonely when the kids aren’t here with me. I’m hoping he bloody well is going through this too! As it’s horrible.

I’m going through the same OP, long marriage like you, he had an affair. I’m dreading this week as it would have been our anniversary so I’m dreading the coming days, then Christmas and new year.

The grief is overwhelming at times and I wonder if I will ever feel “normal” again.

Sending you massive hugs x

@Californiansunsets I’m so sorry 😞

yes we have already had the wedding anniversary neither of us said anything what can be said? And now we have Christmas round the corner.

Yes I want to hide in a soundproof room so I can scream and howl at the injustice of it all. I miss my children so much but they are growing up so things will change anyway at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m writing down notes and working on myself and growing my business but some days it just hits me. A song my set me off or just a random thought.

I’m truly sorry you are going through this. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Just to say. Yes totally normal! Horrid and exhausting but normal. I am 5 years on from the same - 20 year marriage, exh affair etcetc

You grieve for what you have lost, what you thought your life would be etc etc. But along the way you can see opportunity, new beginnings and all that jazz.

I still have days where I think wtf! And can't drive past our old home. But I am in a new chapter of my life and survived.

I supported myself with counselling, good friends and some antidepressants for a period.

Do what you need to do, feel the feelings and remember you are fabulous and you have got this

Once you have processed it and you have taken some time you will realize that there is a whole new life out there for you. Yes it’s a long marriage and course you are grieving- you have shared history. You will See this as an opportunity once you have come to terms with it. You’re worth it xxx

OP I’ve been in this position and please believe me when I say it does get easier. The initial shock, then the stress of moving and selling your home- as a PP said, this keeps you motivated and occupied and only once you are settled in your new life does it really hit you. It’s so hard, but it does get better. I have even started very tentatively to date again recently- if you had told me that a year ago I would never have believed you. Just focus on getting through each day and you will find that gradually things are easier without you even realising.

Carrying on from my previous post - I spoke from the heart as I went through all this over 20 years ago now. Honestly life will get better for you - I moved county to be near my parents, set ourselves up in a new house and found a new job. All so stressful. But now I'm so happy - met the love of my life - my second husband. My parents are long gone now, we have moved house and I look after our darling grandson a couple of days a week. None of this would have happened if my travesty of a first marriage had continued. Bless you - it will get easier and you will be happy. All the very best.

@DaphneduM thank you I appreciate it. I wish they can feel not just see what their selfishness causes I know in my good moments this too will pass but when I am overwhelmed with the grief it’s so hard to see that the future will be better than it is now.

@Beebyonthewold @cosmosforall I’m sorry you too have had to go through this.

@SunflowerTed thank you ☺️ I know I shouldn’t wish this to be fast tracked and I know I’m worth so much more but I won’t lie the pain right now is unbearable.

I believe I need to join some social groups and make sure I am occupied so I don’t think too much. I’m about to get blood tests to identify whether I need to be on HRT no doubt that will help too.

Thank you all I feel a little less alone x. And I promise I don’t normally sit here feeling sorry for myself but I guess I need this to happen to move on in a healthy way x

A really good technique is to switch your thoughts to those things you feel grateful for. If you find yourself getting upset again and again throughout the day (I remember that feeling well) just try to remember to switch your thoughts at least once a day to something you are grateful for.
The other day I got irritated because the dog chose to do his business beside a really busy road on a narrow path and I was struggling to open the poo bag and hold the dog on the lead and the cars were whizzing past... and then I thought, hang on - at least I have eyes to see the dog and to see the poo (!) to pick up and to go out for a walk etc. I felt grateful and throughout the rest of the walk I felt much happier! One day at a time. xx

@justgettingonwith thank you I will give that a go.

OP
I remember your original post. I am sorry for your loss.

You were entwined in your husband's life for 30 years and now have a new normal. Give yourself time to grief and to accept a different future.

Similar happened to me. I tried to reconcile for several years and it ate away at me. I convinced myself I stayed for our dc but I was scared to live a life I had not prepared for, I was scared to reduce our finances. I was ashamed and did not want to be known for having a failing marriage.

The peace I felt on leaving cannot be minimised. I felt I was no longer a victim, I regained control and finally had equal standing. Of course there was and still is immense sadness and anger - I feel that I have been robbed.

Of course you feel like this! I can imagine that up until now you’ve been so busy with the details and the reality stuff that you haven’t had time to do the feeling and processing. You had an entire life together, with plans and promises, etc… That bubble was burst and now you have a wide future and it’s empty. It’s frightening at the moment, but once you realise that it’s a choose your own adventure story, it will be exciting.

@Lovinglife45 my goodness yes I feel robbed! Robbed of my youth, robbed of my time with the children as I had structured my business so I could be around more for the children both before and after school. I’m so pleased you have made a better life for yourself. I am slowly getting there it’s just a case of convincing myself when I am knee deep in grief x

@Justilou1 you have been amazing support in fact all the wonderful humans who have taken the time to post on this thread and my previous. I am trying not to lean too much on friends and family so this place is a haven to come to when I feel like I am drowning. I have to admit I am not at the excitement stage but hopefully I will be and soon. I won’t deny the thought of even going out with someone else feels alien let alone the thought of intimacy. But first I need to fix myself, make new friends preferably single ones as majority of my friends are married which makes public holidays and weekends a bit more difficult to organise especially if I don’t have the kids.

I remember reading your previous read and thinking what a hateful man your H turned out to be. I am sorry OP, what you've been through is a trauma and your response is completely normal and understandable. I seem to remember you as a real "doer and fixer" so, now the house is sold and its "done" it not surprising you are feeling the effects.
You are quite right, there is NO justice in this situation. He has behaved appallingly, at great emotional expense to you and your DC. BUT, he is never going to admit or acknowledge that, so driving yourself mad trying to analyse WHY he is such a colossal wanker is a waste of your valuable time and energy. Reliving past hurts and grievances only stops you enjoying the present, but its very hard to stop yourself doing that I know! Without sounding too "new age" I have an app called Aura. It has loads of meditations/hypnosis on it about living in the present, living with gratitude, letting go of the past etc. I put it on when I go to bed and fall asleep to it and have honestly found it really helpful. If I try to listen to it during the day when I'm awake, I find myself thinking "yeah right" but if I listen at night I do find it changes my mindset in the morning in a very positive way (got to love that sub-conscious!) Maybe give that a go? I wish you luck OP, you sound like a very strong and resourceful woman and I've no doubt that for you, the best is yet to come xx

Thank you @Buildingthefuture I will check the app out. If I were to list some of the horrible stuff he did after we broke up plus al the things he said /did that I put up with its potentially outing and I could be here all day! And it’s this I remind myself of when I’m feeling sad. I have to say I mostly have good days but the last three weeks has been a bit of a roller coaster. X

I think you need to acknowledge to yourself that while these feelings of rage, betrayal, helplessness, humiliation, fury, grief, sadness, etc… are absolutely logical responses to the events leading up to this point in time, it hasn’t been appropriate to express them, (busy with the house, etc) and/or you haven’t been in a safe or receptive space for that. Those feelings have been bubbling away there all along and building up like a pressure cooker. No wonder you feel like you’re going to explode. Now you’re in your own place, it’s okay to let rip. It’s scary, but honestly, (despite being British) it’s the responsible thing to do.

I’m going to give you an exercise that I learned while dealing with PTSD following several harrowing bereavements and a violent SA.

I think it is probably really healthy to choose a set time every day - maybe half an hour, maybe twenty minutes…. Sit down in the same spot with some tissues next to you and a pillow on your lap. Set yourself a timer, play some angry/sad music and really indulge yourself. Allow these feelings and thoughts to come out and use all the swear words and insults you can think of. If you want to scream, do that into a pillow (so the neighbours don’t think you’re being murdered 😵‍💫). When the timer goes off…. Stop.
Get up and wash your face, make cup of tea and go for a walk. It would be even better to go to the shops because the sooner you force yourself to talk to people after releasing all that shit, the more “normal” you will feel.

This will become a bit of a “sacred” ritual for you for a while, and then you’ll just notice that you’ve skipped a day or two and the sky didn’t fall. Then a week or two, and it will just be something that slips out of your life when you no longer need it.

@Justilou1 thank you. You are absolutely right I’ve just been forging ahead as usual just getting on with things that needed to be done and now I have this time I didn’t have, things have slowed down and all this pain and anger just bubbles up and rawness of that anger and pain catches my breath.

I have dreams of scenarios of telling the OW’s husband or reaching out to her to talk to her get to the truth as he drip fed truth and told so many lies - not rational thinking. I might even repeat his name followed be he is a C U Next Tuesday that momentarily makes me feel better. I will try this ritual. I am a survivor of CSA and domestic violence as a child so maybe this might help put those ghosts to rest too. I’m sorry you have experienced so much pain yourself x

Big unmumsnetty hugs OP, aside from anything else you must be absolutely exhausted from the last year and at the end of the adrenaline. Treat yourself as if you're recovering from an illness, the body keeps the score as they say. It's going to be ok, you've already done the hardest things just let yourself recover and ease into the next stage. All best wishes.

@Ifeellostandhurt01 - sorry you have too. Don’t be surprised if all of these feelings get tangled up and come out together, then. It’s not uncommon when the “It’s not fairs” and the “Why me’s?” come out and play. You have to take control and accept that you were innocent in these situations, but you will not remain a victim because you CHOOSE to move through this. That is the difference between people who are defeated by these very negative experiences. Those who are beaten down, frightened, depressed or stuck in victim-mode. Maybe bitter, negative, resentful and angry for the rest of their lives. They have chosen that as a defence, but it isolates them. Ultimately it is very rarely what they really want for themselves. Very few people generally acknowledge that their feelings are ruled by their thoughts and choices. Yes, you need to let that shit out to let it go, but if you want to move on and away from it - you need to choose to be happy, proactive and positive the rest of the time. That means doing what you wrote about before - finding new friends (which I know from experience) isn’t something you can just snap your fingers and achieve immediately. You have to put yourself out there and try new things. Not just once, but for a little while. Not even with the intention of meeting people either. Just things that make you happy. That’s how things slip into place naturally. If you’ve always wanted to paint, go and do classes. Go to the gym. Learn to cook Brazilian food, and speak Portuguese, etc… One thing at a time. You’ll find your jam, I promise.

@crosshatching thank you ☺️ @Justilou1 I’ve always focused on the positive and will continue to do so but I do need to be kind to myself and allow this pain to pass. I will be doing things not so much as to make new friends although that would be nice but to do nice things for myself and do fun things for myself too. Appreciate all your words of wisdom. X

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, keep on going I promise there is joy ahead!

You said you wanted a soundproofed room... have you tried screaming in your car? I sometimes practice screaming in my car because I find it difficult to raise my voice (I had trouble shouting in a self-defense class I had once so they recommended I practice so now I do!) If you want to shout you should!

You are grieving at the moment and you’ve also sold your home so your life is going through some significant changes at the moment.

This too shall pass Plan little things for yourself that you normally wouldn’t do just to prioritise yourself for once.

Eventually things will get easier. I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said: “A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position.” Something along those lines.

She will be always looking over her shoulder and so will he. They both started a relationship based on hurting others so they deserve each other and there will always be that seed of mistrust