Ended things with DP, have I done the right thing?

[Shallysally]

So, I’ve ended relationship with DP today. We’ve been together almost 6 years, it’s not always been an easy relationship but I’ve stuck with him up until now.

Although it hasn’t come out of the blue, it was not a conversation I expected to have today.

I know that being with him meant some compromises on both parts. We live apart, I don’t know that we will ever live together. And I’ve been ok with that.

He is a good guy, he had a bit of a wobble earlier this year, but we talked and things have been ok since.

My issue is that he is unwilling to acknowledge his issue, and he won’t seek help for it. He doesn’t talk about how that makes me feel, and at this stage, it’s more about his lack of consideration for my feelings than the actual issue itself.

I know this is a bit rambly, just doubting my decision and perspective is welcome.

if yo are not happy what can you do else? live like that for the rest of your life?

What is the issue?

I don’t honestly know. Deep down I agree with you, but I just think, what if I’ve given up on the best chap I’ve had or likely to have in my life.

Part of me knows I need to get a grip, the other part thinks what have I done.

@ThesecondLEM, he has a very low sex drive, he said today he wouldn’t be bothered if he never has sex again.

I’ve tried to make this ok for me. Not pressured him, been understanding. Things will probably never improve. And I’ve said that whilst the rest of the relationship is good, which it is/was, that I would stay.

But something just triggered it all today and here we are.

its very normal to have a wobble at the beginning.

in fact it takes a long time to see the actual situation.

He's been honest. You need to move on and find someone who blows your mind and your body. They do exist !

He won’t do what he needs to do to make this right, so he can’t want it that much.

@bluebell34567 I know it is, I’m not even upset about it, although I know it’s early days.

@Anordinarymum, haha, i know!

@GoodnightGrandma no I agree. He is so passive it infuriates me. He is showing me who he is I guess.

I was in a marriage where I thought I could cope with the lack of sex as he was nice and we did have fun, until it really started to affect me, it can give your self esteem quite a battering. Anyway I'm now engaged to someone else and everything about our relationship is great including the sex. If I'd have stayed in that marriage I would have carried on being miserable and missed out on someone wonderful.

That's no good. You can't live the rest of your life like that. My DP was the same, but he responded to a little gentle persuasion and judicious use of Niagra. He quite likes it now.

@cakecakecheese, happy for you! And yes, it does batter your self esteem, makes you question if you are to blame, am I not thin/sexy/intelligent enough.

I’ve kept a note on my phone over the years and read it back just now. I can’t go back to that but there will always be this doubt.

@Dillydollydingdong well I’m glad that your DP values your relationship enough to take action.

@Shallysally I understand, I’m in the same boat.
Although mine wasn’t sex related it was like you say a lack of consideration and the passive comments to other things. I feel the word narcissist can e used too easily at times but when I googled it I felt like I’d been hit like a train. I hope you’re ok, you deserve what makes you happy.

Sexual chemistry/compatibility is a cornerstone of all good relationships. You can't fake it or work around it, and when your sex drives are totally mismatched it's impossible to reach a compromise you're both happy with.

You did the right thing, it was likely to get worse rather than better.

@Nov910, thank you. I just keep thinking, what if I’ve ended things with a decent chap who actually loves me, should I have stuck with him despite his faults?
I know deep down though that if we have a chat and get back together, it’s only prolonging the inevitable.

@altmember you are right. I’ve spent so much time, years, analysing, understanding (or failing too), saying it’s ok, that the relationship is too good to throw away because of the lack of sex.
But actually, it isn’t, I need more in life. And also, I need peace of mind.

@Shallysally I understand that. I feel the same. But I know it will just be the same in time to come

You can't make someone have sex when they don't want it. The only choice you have is to leave.
I dont want sex in my life at all so I live alone.

Of course you are a bit shaky but you have done the right thing.

You deserve more.

You can’t make someone have sex if they don’t want to, probably best on both sides, he can find some else ( if he wants to ),

And I think saying this is a ‘fault’, is a bit unreasonable

@Dillydollydingdong

That's no good. You can't live the rest of your life like that. My DP was the same, but he responded to a little gentle persuasion and judicious use of Niagra. He quite likes it now.

Viagra won’t help with low libido ( if that is the issue)

I have nearly always questioned whether I had made the right decision after ending a relationship - even if it’s been crap and making me miserable! I definitely get why you are dwelling on things.

Within a very short time I realised I’m happier out of the relationship. The last relationship I ended was due to lack of sex. He didn’t want to get any help either and was a bit of a cocklodger. It’s normal to feel destabilised after coming out of a relationship but you’ll soon find your feet!

@Shehasadiamondinthesky, I would never try and make him have sex. It is who he is, I understand that.

@billy1966, thank you.

@FabulousMrFifty, no I know. As I’ve said, I would never try and make him have sex.

I don’t mean the sexy thing is a fault, I mean that his unwillingness to do anything to address it is. His lack of interest in taking action to show he is at least considering my feelings.

@Youknownothingsnow, ah it’s horrible isn’t it?! So full of doubt today.
I’ve made a pros and cons list, the cons is way shorter than the pros.

But you are right, I will, like you, be happier out of this relationship.

My cons are shorter than the pros, but there’s a reason your doing this, that’s what I tell myself

For peace of mind, absolutely. I’ve felt in this quandary for so long I’ve forgotten what my “normal” is.

don’t mean the sexy thing is a fault, I mean that his unwillingness to do anything to address it is. His lack of interest in taking action to show he is at least considering my feelings.

You are still considering it to be a fault of his rather than a compatibility issue because a low sex drive isn’t something anyone can “address” or “take action” on to increase. And they shouldn’t feel any pressure to do so either. So I’m not at all surprised he was “unwilling” to increase his sex drive because a) it’s impossible and b) can only be faked in response to sexual coercion.

You’ve done the right thing by ending the relationship, but I disagree he did anything wrong at all. The two of you were not sexually compatible. That is not anyone’s fault, not his and not yours, it just is.