Ended things with DP, have I done the right thing?

[Shallysally]

So, I’ve ended relationship with DP today. We’ve been together almost 6 years, it’s not always been an easy relationship but I’ve stuck with him up until now.

Although it hasn’t come out of the blue, it was not a conversation I expected to have today.

I know that being with him meant some compromises on both parts. We live apart, I don’t know that we will ever live together. And I’ve been ok with that.

He is a good guy, he had a bit of a wobble earlier this year, but we talked and things have been ok since.

My issue is that he is unwilling to acknowledge his issue, and he won’t seek help for it. He doesn’t talk about how that makes me feel, and at this stage, it’s more about his lack of consideration for my feelings than the actual issue itself.

I know this is a bit rambly, just doubting my decision and perspective is welcome.

@PlanDeRaccordement, he accepts it is who he is. He is not willing to even have a GP chat re testosterone levels as a starting point.
So maybe it isn’t a fault, but I am surely not being unreasonable in suggesting that, if he values our relationship, which is otherwise good, he could take that action.

I am not willing to go into the nuances of his issue on a public forum. It is more complex however than a low drive.

The thing is, if you're not having sex and don't live together, you're just friends aren't you?

What is the point of calling it something more than that?

Because it is more than that.
People have very different ideas of what relationships look like. We don’t live together at the moment, the plan was to do so in the future when circumstances are different.

For me, sex doesn’t bind a relationship. We had intimacy in other ways.

He is not willing to even have a GP chat re testosterone levels as a starting point. So maybe it isn’t a fault, but I am surely not being unreasonable in suggesting that, if he values our relationship, which is otherwise good, he could take that action.

You see, I do think it is unreasonable and a form of sexual coercion to medicalise what is a low sex drive. You’re also making him feel like there is something wrong with him, when a low sex drive is part of normal variation.

Imagine reversing the sexes and a husband telling his wife that if she values the relationship she needs to see a GP about taking hormones to make her horny for him.

You’re implying that he doesn’t value your relationship if he doesn’t “take actions” to give you more sex. Sorry but it’s the definition of sexual coercion.

@PlanDeRaccordement, thank you, you have given me something to think about.
The last thing I would ever want to do is to coerce him into doing anything.

I’m not good at being objective about this issue all of the time.

However, I believe that when a person is showing you who they are we need to listen to them. He has clearly been doing that. I of course have listened. Believe me, I have tried and tried to make this issue ok for me, in my head. Have tried to rationalise it over and over.

Of course, there are men and women who do choose to take lacking hormones to replenish their naturally occurring low sex drive.
I guess it is related to his idea of what he does to show me that he values the relationship.

Honestly, the issue doesn’t have to be ok for you. Just because it is not his fault, doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Similarly, it’s not your fault you have the higher sex drive. You both ultimately deserve a partner with a compatible sex drive. Sex is an important part of most relationships. There’s no shame in ending it because you two have mismatched sex drives. People have ended relationships over much smaller incompatibilities....like sleep habits, or house cleaning standards. One couple I know ended it because she was a cat person and he a dog person and they couldn’t agree on which to have as a house pet.

I know it doesn’t. But the rest of the relationship is good, I didn’t want to end or because of incompatible sex drives.

Maybe I will feel differently as time goes on.

@Shallysally

Of course, there are men and women who do choose to take lacking hormones to replenish their naturally occurring low sex drive. I guess it is related to his idea of what he does to show me that he values the relationship.

I realise you have ended the relationship now, but hypothetically what would have done if your partner had his testosterone levels checked and they were found to be normal for his age and just had a naturally lower sex drive than yourself?

I honestly don’t know. My perspective would have been different as he would have demonstrated to me that he had considered my views and taken action on a factor that was affecting the relationship.