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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé won’t talk to me about where we go from here

30 replies

Maria21 · 14/11/2021 17:55

Hi never posted here before but my Fiancé of 2 years been together for 12 has been starting arguments a lot lately lashing out over insignificant things reacting negatively over everything
I feel like I can’t say anything because he will react negatively to anything I say.
I’ve just started a new job as the manager of a Café and am getting it ready to open atm and he’s shown no interest and when I tell him things he’ll belittle what I’m doing. He’s constantly bickering with our 12 year old daughter I have told him that he should be picking his fights otherwise he’ll be there all day but he doesn’t listen it’s like he has to have control over everyone and everything and only what he thinks is right
He doesn’t like me going out if I don’t check in with him enough he will ring ring me constantly and then will not talk to me the next day
If we have an argument he will not talk to me for a couple of days and the most recent argument we had he called me some disgusting names and never came home and didn’t tell me where he was
I’m just coming to the end of my tether now we are meant to be getting married in July but I just keep thinking I don’t know if I can do this for the rest of my like he’s not always been like this he was loving once but the negativity is pulling me down now we also have an 8 year old son together and I worry both the kids are picking up on his bad mood.
I’m not sure if his mental health is suffering atm I have asked him but he won’t talk to me
I’m not sure where to go from here?

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 14/11/2021 17:58

Read your post back to yourself..
Why are you with him never mind considering marrying him.

Pumpkinsonparade · 14/11/2021 18:01

I am quite sure your mh is worse than his. He is abusive op..
Show your dd how boundaries work and Ltb.

Original poster
Maria21 · 14/11/2021 18:17

Thanks for replying
Yeah it sounds bloody awful I know
but I worry about him I feel like he’s lashing out and trying to control what he can because his mental health is suffering not that that’s right but I think he needs help.
I’m no pushover which is why the arguments happen quite frequently it’s just getting draining now and obviously I don’t want the kids to be affected.
It just seems such a waste it’s only been the past 18 months we were happy before this

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonparade · 14/11/2021 18:19

My exh had depression.. He wouldn't take pills. Just used it as an excuse to be a twat. Couldn't manage chores or the school run or a job but had no issue playing golf or going to the pub every week.
Exh
.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:23

Abuser.

Work out your financials without him.

If you get rid of him, you'd be minimising the time your kids are subjected to his behaviour because I bet he'll see them relatively little. Obviously you can't stop how he acts when he has them but they could choose not to see him and I doubt he'd go to court to make them; too much money, hassle and the shit behaviour that might make them not want to see him would ve exposed.
After he couldn't even do that.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:24

Sorry, after 18 he couldn't even do that.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:26

He should move out while he's getting help.

I have a feeling he end up not moving back in though.

Why is MH am a certain le excuse for him abusing you; would it be accepted the other way.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:28

As a side point, 12 years is a long ass time to be together (and have two kids) without getting married.

Hos behaviour seems to be escalating as the wedding approaches (?)

Do you think he could, even subconsciously, want out?

He's certainly picking enough fights etc.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:29

Maybe he wants you to throw him out/end the relationship or at the very least I slightest a break; so he doesn't have to be seen as bad guy by everyone for breaking your engagement abd not going through with the marriage next year.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:30

*instigate a break

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:38

Some men can tell themselves they are not truly tied down (to a particular woman or at all) while she is "just" a partner, just a girlfriend. (I'm not saying hrs ever cheated but my sister commented on how male work colleagues of hers who cheated on their partners at work nights out, mi imised it as "im not married", "she's only a partner" etc.

The wedding and marriage being an official, done and dusted, definitive, permanent (barring divorce) public commitment ends that delusion.

(The other problem with a wedding 12 years in is that there is very unlikely to be any of that honeymoon, idealised, romantic, relatively young relationship (under 5 years) stuff to carry people through it. It's v much about sealing the deal)).

Maybe he doesn't actually want to get married, to you or perhaps anyone at this time. He knows he'll look like the world's biggest shit though, so he might never say it but will push every button until you go for a separation, which could then be classed as you ending the relationship or a mutual breakup.

Tallisimo · 14/11/2021 18:42

I’d be getting shot of such an unpleasant individual. As a rule, mental health issues don’t cause people to be be dicks.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:43

(I should clarify, a wedding in a long relationship could certainly have lots of romance etc., but it's unlikely to have that young love, idealistic, honeymoon, just starting out, aspect to it.

But he doesn't seem romantic or delighted about getting married next year; he seems the opposite.

litterbird · 14/11/2021 18:49

Think he wants out OP. Thats why he is playing up. Postpone the wedding, see if he improves, if he gets worse then you need to figure out if you want to continue with him.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 18:52

You got engaged 2 years ago and he's been like this for 18 months - could be coincidental but it strikes me.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 18:55

He doesn't get to be an aggressive, controlling, manipulative arsehole OP. Regardless.

ftw163532 · 14/11/2021 18:55

He is abusing you and your children. It's classic domestic abuse.

Where you go from here is that you end the relationship.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 18:56

I’m not sure where to go from here?

Call the wedding off for starters.

Tell him he gets help or it's done.

Dery · 14/11/2021 19:03

"I’m not sure where to go from here?

Call the wedding off for starters.

Tell him he gets help or it's done."

This. As a PP said - it's interesting that his nasty behaviour seems to have started not long after you got engaged.

layladomino · 14/11/2021 19:03

He sounds awful and you deserve better. I suspect like others that he's (consciously or not) trying to spoil things as your marriage approaches.

Whatever his reason, whether or not he has a MH issue, none of it is am excuse for his behaviour.

I think you should seriously consider whether you want to be with him. It sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic, which is really bad for your DC as well as you.

Original poster
Maria21 · 14/11/2021 19:04

He has told me he left it later to ask to marry me because he never used to believe in marriage because he was a child of divorce and because at the time he said he didn’t have enough money to give me the wedding I would have wanted
But recently he has been worrying about the financial Implications of the wedding and what we’ve got left to pay and has said he wants to marry me but thinks it should be a private thing and is nervous about the ceremony.
I also checked his google history when he didn’t return home as I was worried about him and didn’t know if he was ok and he’d been looking at 1 bed places to rent

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria21 · 14/11/2021 19:06

But when I ask him if it’s me and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore he says it’s not me and he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t love me/wasn’t happy with me

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 19:09

But he's looking at properties which suggests he's not planning on being there OP.

Given that he's looking at one beds, he's not interested in co-parenting either.

CreepySpider · 14/11/2021 19:10

Where do you go from here? You happily get on with the rest of your life without him in it.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 14/11/2021 19:22

Where do you go, well I'll tell you where not to go, and that's get married