Losing a mum age 12 really cause this later in life?

[Thanksforba]

Can this cause a man to have avoidant attachment style? I’m dating someone who my therapist has said has this attachment style due to losing parent at a young age. She’s not said this randomly, but based on instances I’ve told her about.

He’s extremely independent and seems fearful of any form of commitment, never been in a relationship but instead has had plenty of surface level situations lasting weeks/months. He’s 42. We are only a few months in to seeing each other but I’m very compartmentalised and his life is ran in a very strict way.

Have others experienced this? Is there truth to it?

I think it depends. Could be, makes some sense to me. My father lost his mother at 7 and went the other way. Married young and completely committed as he was desperate to create a strong family and create that family unit he never had ( siblings split up between relatives as his father couldn't cope ).
It also depends on what support he has had to deal with the loss, counselling etc.
Harsh but also, he might just not be wanting a committed relationship.

Some knowledge, but not an expert. I can absolutely see why losing a parent young could cause attachment difficulties.

But to be honest, it doesn't really matter why he acts the way he does. if it doesn't work for you then call it quits.

Yes. I was abandoned by my mother at age 11 and have all sorts of relationship trouble stemming from that. Years of therapy too.

He needs therapy - you having therapy won't fix him.

Don't know, everyone is different I guess! But a close family member (girl) who lost her mum at 12 is definitely not finding attachment difficult. It's impacted her many ways but not like that.

Attachment disorder, or more correctly, reactive attachment disorder, is an extremely serious and rare (and poorly understood) condition.

It is certainly not something you could or should diagnose remotely.

I’d find a new therapist.

My father lost his mother at 7 and he is my mother's foot soldier. No mind of his own.

I wouldn't get too caught up in ''diagnosing'' an attachment disorder in this man though. either he's committing or he's not. Don't make excuses for him. Step back in with your own agenda here. Don't white wash over your own agenda because you're making excuses for somebody who isn't giving you what you want.

I fell in to this trap years ago. He told me what I needed to hear to make the right excuses. His mother was super enmeshed with him, blah blah blah.

So I allowed him to have this relationship with me where he was free to come and go as he pleased, owing me nothing, not commitment not fidelity, not a future, NOTHING.

I was focusing on him, not me.

@Magicalwoodlands

Attachment disorder, or more correctly, reactive attachment disorder, is an extremely serious and rare (and poorly understood) condition.

It is certainly not something you could or should diagnose remotely.

I’d find a new therapist.

They didn’t say attachment disorder though did they? They said avoidant attachment style. Reactive attachment disorder is totally different from that.

Or have I missed something?

@TeenMinusTests

Some knowledge, but not an expert. I can absolutely see why losing a parent young could cause attachment difficulties.

But to be honest, it doesn't really matter why he acts the way he does. if it doesn't work for you then call it quits.

Exactly. If it’s not working for you, then it makes no difference what ‘caused’ it. Bear in mind, too, that the whole idea of ‘attachment styles’ is pretty much a watered-down version of John Bowlby’s theories, and far from some kind of verifiable fact or generally accepted. If you’re dissatisfied enough to be talking quite a lot to your therapist about it only a few months’ into the relationship, then I’d consider letting it go. The behaviour sounds pretty entrenched.

There could be loads of reasons for this. Don't get sucked into trying to be the "one" that fixes him.

He's 42, this is how he is. What you do to either live with it it not, is what you should focus on.

I wouldn't say it causes avoidant attachment necessarily, but attachment issues generally.
I would be classed as avoidant and if someone tried to analyse me like this I would totally avoid them.

I would say it’s very likely yes.

She can’t diagnose an attachment disorder based on second hand descriptions but I can can certainly believe that losing his mum at this age has made him the way he is - he experienced the loss of the most important female person and relationship in his life at a very important time in his development so it makes sense that he struggles to really let himself love a woman in later life due to a deep seated fear that he may lose her too and be hurt. He may not be consciously aware of that.
I lost a parent at a young age (although not as young as him) and it does change you as a person and your trust in the world

I think anyone with even a basic understanding of psychology/people could imagine someone who experienced loss of a parent at such a young age, would have attachment issues of some sort in later life, therapist or not.

My DH lost his mum when he was 10 and he doesn't have any commitment issues, but he has had a wonderful step mother since he was 12 so I guess if someone hasn't had a maternal figure from a young age that could be an issue. I don't think losing a parent early would necessarily cause the issues your therapist mentions. I would be wary of this therapist though - what qualifications do they have? It's unusual for them to diagnose someone's psyche from a distance I must say..

*I would add, that’s if they didn’t receive any nurturance by an adult afterwards.

It could certainly be a factor, but the loss of a parent often has other issues around it. Ds lost his dad, my dh, aged 14 but dh was also really ill, all of ds's life. Being dh's son is a huge part of what has made him the way he is, good and bad.

However, I'm always wary of women concentrating on the characteristics of their partner instead of working out whether the situation works for them, or if there are things they want to change or understand about themselves. What's your attachment style for example? What attracted you to this man who sounds like he enjoys novelty and possibly drama in his emotional life? Maybe you're the same?

You'll never know if that's the reason. No point in even wondering about it. If he wants to be with you he will, and if he doesn't he won't.

The therapist is talking about Bowlby's four attachment styles - four types of attachment: secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disordered. This is different to attachment disorder.

It's about very young children though, and traumatic events later in childhood can have long term impacts, a parent dying at 12 is not to do with attachment theory. So, therapist has picked up some stuff about attachment theory in her training, but has misunderstood.

@Jabvribt

She can’t diagnose an attachment disorder based on second hand descriptions but I can can certainly believe that losing his mum at this age has made him the way he is - he experienced the loss of the most important female person and relationship in his life at a very important time in his development so it makes sense that he struggles to really let himself love a woman in later life due to a deep seated fear that he may lose her too and be hurt. He may not be consciously aware of that. I lost a parent at a young age (although not as young as him) and it does change you as a person and your trust in the world

She didn’t.

I would say so, yes. This describes me.

@ufucoffee

You'll never know if that's the reason. No point in even wondering about it. If he wants to be with you he will, and if he doesn't he won't.

This

He isn't stringing you along with lies, I hope?

@ChevreChase

The therapist is talking about Bowlby's four attachment styles - four types of attachment: secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disordered. This is different to attachment disorder.

It's about very young children though, and traumatic events later in childhood can have long term impacts, a parent dying at 12 is not to do with attachment theory. So, therapist has picked up some stuff about attachment theory in her training, but has misunderstood.

No, it's you who has misunderstood. Attachment styles are formed in childhood, as identified by Bowlby. Ainsworth developed an experiment to measure them at around 18 months old.

But attachments styles are lifelong (although malleable). It's not only children who have attachment styles, although they are labelled slightly differently in adults.

I’m in a group for people who lost a parent in childhood.

It’s totally correct. It’s a recognised thing. People can become very self reliant and not let people near. Childhood/teenage experience has shown them that people leave, so this is how they protect themselves.

I never thought it affected me. I tended more to the other extreme. But l didn’t get married until 45, so l guess it must have.

But why does it matter?
His issues are for him to sort out- you can't do it for him, and your love won't fix him. No matter what rom coms say.

Therapist isn't talking about any kind of disorder. She's talking about a specific attachment style within the context of a school of psychology that organises how you relate to other people into four specific styles.

If you believe in attachment theory (as many do) then you know that lots of people have an avoidant attachment style; you have to have one of the four styles and only about 50% of people have a secure attachment style.