Losing a mum age 12 really cause this later in life?

[Thanksforba]

Can this cause a man to have avoidant attachment style? I’m dating someone who my therapist has said has this attachment style due to losing parent at a young age. She’s not said this randomly, but based on instances I’ve told her about.

He’s extremely independent and seems fearful of any form of commitment, never been in a relationship but instead has had plenty of surface level situations lasting weeks/months. He’s 42. We are only a few months in to seeing each other but I’m very compartmentalised and his life is ran in a very strict way.

Have others experienced this? Is there truth to it?

thedaythemusicdied

no, i haven't misunderstood - attachment style does impact on the whole of your life, but is formed in early years. Adverse events at 12 will be happening to someone who has already formed their attachment style, which will then influence how they respond to that event.

My husband’s mum died when he was 13 (his dad when he was 23) and he’s very committed. Maybe more than typical because I am his main family (both brothers are dead too, he had a much older dad).

@ChevreChase

thedaythemusicdied

no, i haven't misunderstood - attachment style does impact on the whole of your life, but is formed in early years. Adverse events at 12 will be happening to someone who has already formed their attachment style, which will then influence how they respond to that event.

You are wrong.

You said "it's about very young children". It's not.

Attachment styles are lifelong. Yes, they are formed in childhood. They are also malleable and can change over time. They aren't fixed as you mistakenly describe.

I'm not a psychologist but I can easily see this could be true. He can't let people in because of what he's seen about relationships can end up.

In a similar, but not exactly the same vein, I'll explain what happened with my friend, who I've been close to for a good thirty-five years. She married her University sweetheart when she was 19. A couple of years later she met who we'll call Bill and soon divorced her husband. I always thought there was something a little odd with Bill. Through her nanny and her nanny's later husband we heard odd/ kinky things about their sex life. Anyway they have a daughter, get marry, all seems well. Occasionally she asks me little questions on how often my husband gives me cuddles, talks to me etc etc.

Fast forward 19 years and he leaves her. My friend finally confesses he hadn't cuddled her for about 18 years. No sex, no affection when they were together. He was fostered and never knew either biological parent. She says he can't give love because he didn't receive it. So I think sadly, OP what you've said is quite likely to be true. Best wishes.

thedaythemusicdied

I didn't address whether they last into adulthood in my first post - I was commenting on the idea about whether they can be formed as late as 12, and I was saying that in attachment theory, the style is formed in very early years, not as late as 12.

I also agree they are malleable once formed, I didn't comment on that either. I don't see any disagreement between either of the things you or I have said.

@Liz1tummypain

I'm not a psychologist but I can easily see this could be true. He can't let people in because of what he's seen about relationships can end up.

In a similar, but not exactly the same vein, I'll explain what happened with my friend, who I've been close to for a good thirty-five years. She married her University sweetheart when she was 19. A couple of years later she met who we'll call Bill and soon divorced her husband. I always thought there was something a little odd with Bill. Through her nanny and her nanny's later husband we heard odd/ kinky things about their sex life. Anyway they have a daughter, get marry, all seems well. Occasionally she asks me little questions on how often my husband gives me cuddles, talks to me etc etc.

Fast forward 19 years and he leaves her. My friend finally confesses he hadn't cuddled her for about 18 years. No sex, no affection when they were together. He was fostered and never knew either biological parent. She says he can't give love because he didn't receive it. So I think sadly, OP what you've said is quite likely to be true. Best wishes.

Honestly, the thing that leaps out at me from this post is not whether Bill’s childhood influenced his capacity to form adult relationships, but the fact that you were gossiping with your close, longterm friend’s nanny and the nanny’s husband about their ‘kinky’ sex life. In what universe is that other than something enormously intrusive and mean-spirited to do to someone you say you’ve been close to for 35 years??

I lost a parent as a young teen and don't recognise any of this, I have to say. Nor do I see it in my siblings.

I'm no psychologist but I can imagine how someone who lost their mum young
could end up avoidant or constantly jumping into relationships in search of an attachment.

I have serious issues with my mum which almost certainly contributes to my avoidant attachment style. It takes me a long time to warm up even with platonic friendships because trusting someone with my affection is too "risky" so I need to be super sure. This means o have no super close friends.

Whether or not to continue the relationship depends on what you're after. You can't fix him - he needs to decide whether or not it's an issue and is so, it will take a lot of hard work and time on his behalf. If he's fine living the way he is then don't fall into the trap that you love can conqueror all.

@Magicalwoodlands

Attachment disorder, or more correctly, reactive attachment disorder, is an extremely serious and rare (and poorly understood) condition.

It is certainly not something you could or should diagnose remotely.

I’d find a new therapist.

I agree. Why is your therapist talking about him and not you?

Attachment theory is pretty complex, and attachment styles are fairly tricky to assess because your attachment style is activated in times of difficulty. Your therapist really can’t, and shouldn’t try to, assess his attachment style based on second hand information.

The loss of a parent can cause all kinds of issues, some of them attachment relates but your therapist isn’t likely to be trained or qualified to make such an assessment. I’d be using therapy to focus on you and what you need rather than what might be going on with your partner, otherwise you’re wasting your time and money.

@Dropcloth thanks for that. What this means is that not only myself but other people in our circle had ideas that their marriage wasn't normal, ( in whatever way we all took a marriage to be normal). It was a symptom of things not being right between them. I have no doubt people I know talk about me behind my back. To imagine this doesn't happen is cute but naive.

It doesn't really matter as it's up to him to fix it.

There's no sense carrying on with him.
I reckon your goal of being with someone is not to be held at arm's length.

[quote Liz1tummypain]@Dropcloth thanks for that. What this means is that not only myself but other people in our circle had ideas that their marriage wasn't normal, ( in whatever way we all took a marriage to be normal). It was a symptom of things not being right between them. I have no doubt people I know talk about me behind my back. To imagine this doesn't happen is cute but naive.[/quote]
I’m quite aware that people talk about other people in their absence. However for someone to be gossiping with their longterm close friend’s employee and the employee’s husband about said friend’s sex life is repellent. I’m glad I don’t move in circles where anyone thinks that is ‘normal’ or acceptable.

@spotcheck

But why does it matter? His issues are for him to sort out- you can't do it for him, and your love won't fix him. No matter what rom coms say.

Agree with this. You cannot fix this for him, if it makes your relationship difficult.

My v close friend and sort of SIL (dating my BIL) lost her mum at 11 and it has fundamentally made her the woman she is. She has a little brother who needed emotional support more than she seemed to as a contained, shy, bookish child and I think she didn't have space to grieve properly. She admits that's she's a 30yo professional hiding the enormous chasm of grief of an 11yr old girl and frightened of losing control, letting go and trusting anything other than herself. She's formidable and I love her but she has had her life shaped by desperate loss and the grip and fear of it does inform the way she relates to everybody, not just romantic partners. She can't find the right therapy but is trying.

So yes, it can make you struggle with relationships but that's something for his own therapist, not yours who should never ever be making guesses like this.

So you are dating someone with fear of commitment and rather than walking away you are trying to psychoanalyse him? And your therapist is enabling you in this?

And you don’t see anything wrong with this picture?

@Dropcloth

You're missing the point. And unless you never leave the house I'm fairly sure you do move in the circles that you've described.

ShowOfHands what you wrote about your friend is pretty much identical to me. I’ve just had 3 years of schema therapy! It’s amazing! I’ve had counselling before many times but it’s only schema therapy that’s got to grips with the real bitty gritty!

Why is everyone getting hung up on the poster’s therapist or telling them to leave their partner? they haven’t asked for advice re therapist or whether they should end the relationship. they’ve asked whether their partner could have an attachment issue given the loss they experienced as a child…

@Dontsayyouloveme

Why is everyone getting hung up on the poster’s therapist or telling them to leave their partner? they haven’t asked for advice re therapist or whether they should end the relationship. they’ve asked whether their partner could have an attachment issue given the loss they experienced as a child…

I think the point is the boyfriend might or might not have had his capacity for attachment affected by his childhood tragedy, everyone is different and has different coping mechanisms. It's pretty unhelpful of the therapist to put the idea in the OP's head that her boyfriend is the way he is because of the early loss of his parent when (presumably) the therapist has never met the man and for all they know he just might not be all that into the OP..

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’m in a group for people who lost a parent in childhood.

It’s totally correct. It’s a recognised thing. People can become very self reliant and not let people near. Childhood/teenage experience has shown them that people leave, so this is how they protect themselves.

I never thought it affected me. I tended more to the other extreme. But l didn’t get married until 45, so l guess it must have.

My mum died when I was 12...it's given me loads of issues but nothing to do with attachment I don't think. I have a happy "normal" relationship...if anything I'm not very self reliant...I rely quite a lot on my DH.

@Dontsayyouloveme

Why is everyone getting hung up on the poster’s therapist or telling them to leave their partner? they haven’t asked for advice re therapist or whether they should end the relationship. they’ve asked whether their partner could have an attachment issue given the loss they experienced as a child…

People are allowed to give their opinion about the whole situation though. And he is not her “partner”. He is someone she has been seeing for a few months, who according to the OP has never had a long term relationship and is afraid of commitment. And in my opinion rather than being obsessed about funding the reasons behind his issues and fixing, she should see the futility and the red flags and move on

“He’s extremely independent and seems fearful of any form of commitment, never been in a relationship but instead has had plenty of surface level situations lasting weeks/months. He’s 42. We are only a few months in to seeing each other but I’m very compartmentalised and his life is ran in a very strict way.”

This is who he is, who has been for all his adult life and who he will continue to be.

Does this work for you?

If not move on - don’t be delusional enough to think you can turn him around.

I would focus your therapy on what you can impact - concentrate on your own development and personal growth.

If you want more than this man can give you - be empowered to move on.

OP,

Who knows, possibly it has left a mark on him, it is a huge loss.

But he is 42 and fearful of commitment?

I honestly would not spend the time trying to figure someone like that out.

If he is telling you it is an issue/you can see an issue, I would believe him and move on.

He’s extremely independent and seems fearful of any form of commitment, never been in a relationship but instead has had plenty of surface level situations lasting weeks/months. He’s 42. We are only a few months in to seeing each other but I’m very compartmentalised and his life is ran in a very strict way

I lost a parent at 12 and this sounds very much like me.

I am married and very committed to the relationship, but there’s that part of me that holds back and plans how I will cope when/if he dies.

I have maintained my independence so I am financially and practically secure on my own. I know dh does feel it sometimes though.

Up until getting married all my relationships were emotionally superficial on my part and I wasn’t really bothered when we split, even long term ones.