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Original poster

Absolutely dreading spending the festive season single

31 replies

nomovieending · 14/11/2021 09:55

I’m so tired of being single and lonely. I’ve had a lot of therapy, and I try to get out and do new things, but I just can’t meet anyone. I don’t even get answers after a match. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

My closest friends are all settled down and I’m really happy for them, but instead of meeting up for a Christmas dinner they want to take their babies to lunch. I get that, but it hurts really badly :(

OP posts:
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 14/11/2021 10:33

I had many years of single Xmas dinner as I only found my partner when I was 34. It can hurt, and people become particularly tactless, (ALONE?? ALL BY YOURSELF?? OOOOOH NO, THAT'S SOOO SAD!) but I was resolutely positive about singledom at this time of year. On Christmas day, I treated myself like a queen - bucks Fizz and smoked salmon and Breakfast , a lovely dinner and some champagne in the evening. It was my present to myself. Now that I have to do the full rounds on Christmas day, with a shit ton of driving so no booze, I miss it immensely.

Nov910 · 14/11/2021 10:47

I sympathise..this could potentially be my 1st Xmas alone..forever..it’s like a knife has just been put in. Hugs but it’s only 1 day, so I keep telling myself!

justgettingonwith · 14/11/2021 12:20

What are your plans for Christmas Day?

Original poster
nomovieending · 14/11/2021 14:28

I’ll be at my parents’, and my siblings and their kids will be there. It will be lovely, but I’d just really like someone to do lovely Christmassy things with too.

OP posts:
justgettingonwith · 14/11/2021 16:51

@nomovieending

I’ll be at my parents’, and my siblings and their kids will be there. It will be lovely, but I’d just really like someone to do lovely Christmassy things with too.
Yeah, I get what you mean. Christmas can be a romantic time. It's finding the right partner these days though.

What have you tried? Online dating? Joining clubs? Hobbies?

Original poster
nomovieending · 14/11/2021 19:55

All of the above! And nothing. It’s so disheartening.

OP posts:
Palavah · 14/11/2021 20:10

How old are you?

Do you have any hobbies or activities that you do with other people?

Tempnamelady · 14/11/2021 20:12

My DS 23 , has just said he’ll be spending Xmas with his dad, we split up earlier in the year after 24 years. Won’t lie I feel sad , but I said that was absolutely fine. I’m not going to make him feel guilty or that he has to choose.

justgettingonwith · 14/11/2021 20:13

Do you put a photo on your dating profile?

Original poster
nomovieending · 14/11/2021 20:34

Yes, three or four recent photos. They’re only of me, one ready to go out, one hillwalking, one Saturday casual. I have described my hobbies and picked ‘relationship’. I’m 32.

Pre Covid I was regularly going to a German class and a book club, plus the gym.

My friends say they don’t know why I’m single, and so do my colleagues, but maybe they’re just being polite. I wish I did something wrong and I could fix it.

The most successful match I’ve had turned into 4 dates, but he ghosted me when I asked to take it slow.

OP posts:
fumfspos · 14/11/2021 20:34

How old are you?

You won't be spending Christmas alone. And you say it will be lovely - so concentrate on that.

I know it is hard when you dearly want to be with someone but don't have a romantic partner in your life. I have been through that.
But I also had a long-term relationship where every Christmas was ruined by his horrible behaviour. It's been three years since we split and now both of my parents are dead too and I'm in another country to my extended family so it has been hard, but even that has been better than having Christmas ruined by the wrong partner.
I say this because you seem to be romanticizing the idea of Christmas with a romantic partner - it isn't necessarily all it is cracked up to be.

Cherish what you do have (I am sure you do) - parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and a happy family Christmas.
Continue to work on yourself and your own self-esteem and love and date yourself first - so go out places, make life special for you.
Love those you have in your life - friends, family etc
I do understand that it's hard for you to see others coupled up and with babies - but it's often not as rosy as you think it is.

Try to enjoy this Christmas without thinking about not having a romantic partner. Try again in the new year to find someone if you really want to.

Musttryharder2021 · 14/11/2021 21:25

There is no algorithm or set formula why people get together - I really wish people would stop peddling it's about how interesting [hobbies] someone is....it isn't...it is based on feelings for someone which are irrational. How they make you feel, how you make them feel. Not about bungy jumping/scuba diving, mountaineering. Later on it becomes about loyalty, trust, shared values. Most people are ordinary and lead ordinary lives.

ShatnersWig · 14/11/2021 21:35

How long have you been single?

Fullyloaded · 14/11/2021 23:49

I hear you, I was single for a few years in my early thirties and it was hard, particularly Christmas and having lots of annual leave and nobody to go on holiday with! For me it was a numbers game, I went on a couple of dates a week for ages before I met somebody I clicked with. I also had a couple of sessions of therapy to go through some of the things which I felt were impacting my confidence and dynamics with men. Funnily enough I met my soon to be husband a few weeks after I started therapy and I firmly believe that there was some kind of shift in me which put out better vibes and attracted better people. In those few weeks I actually had three guys in a row who treated me as I wanted to be treated whilst dating, rather than messing me around and ghosting etc. It was so strange, all of a sudden it was proactive texts, prompt communication, clear signals and requests for dates etc. Very happy to recommend my therapist if that's something that appeals, she's very practical, not at all fluffy.

Original poster
nomovieending · 15/11/2021 17:20

I’m 32. Being honest, I’ve never been in a relationship. I do romanticise the idea, but I also try to use that positively, to try and give myself something to look forward to.

Fullyloaded, I couldn’t even get a few dates a week Blush I had 3 matches this week, one never answered, one disappeared after a few messages and I realised the third lived too far away.

I know it is luck, really, but I wouldn’t mind my luck changing sometime soon!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 18:19

Being miserable about not having a partner won't attract a partner. Would you want to be with someone who needed to be saved from their own miserable solitude?

If you're not fun for you to be around, then you don't like your own company. Why is that? Why would you expect a partner to relish the idea of spending time with you of you don't know how to make yourself happy?

Turn this on its head; it's a lesson. 'I wouldn't mind my luck changing sometime soon' is an absolution of responsibility. It's your job to make you happy, not 'luck's job, not a partner's job.

Original poster
nomovieending · 15/11/2021 18:37

I think that's a bit unfair really. If humans were all completely happy on their own, no one would partner up, would they?!

I'm not putting all my happiness in someone's hands. I've done a lot of thinking and talking and I have a good life, but I've just come so far on my own and I'd like now to spend some time with another person. I'm not any less mentally healthy or resilient for that.

OP posts:
FirstStarToTheRight · 15/11/2021 18:46

@Fullyloaded

I hear you, I was single for a few years in my early thirties and it was hard, particularly Christmas and having lots of annual leave and nobody to go on holiday with! For me it was a numbers game, I went on a couple of dates a week for ages before I met somebody I clicked with. I also had a couple of sessions of therapy to go through some of the things which I felt were impacting my confidence and dynamics with men. Funnily enough I met my soon to be husband a few weeks after I started therapy and I firmly believe that there was some kind of shift in me which put out better vibes and attracted better people. In those few weeks I actually had three guys in a row who treated me as I wanted to be treated whilst dating, rather than messing me around and ghosting etc. It was so strange, all of a sudden it was proactive texts, prompt communication, clear signals and requests for dates etc. Very happy to recommend my therapist if that's something that appeals, she's very practical, not at all fluffy.
Share some of what was said t you, please?
TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 18:55

If you really felt your happiness was in your own hands, you'd be happy. Otherwise you're a bit lie a person who knows they're responsible for feeding themselves, but posts 'I'm so hungry, it's making me really miserable and hurt'. Just go and get some dinner!

Your problem is in the 'I don't know what I'm doing wrong'. It's in the self blame. The only thing you're doing wrong is to think you're doing something wrong. A negative view of yourself isn't going to help you, and neither is defensiveness, as demonstrated in your response to my post above. 'It's not fair' is the response of a child whose environment is out of their control. But you're in charge of this situation. You're in charge of your relationships, your wellbeing, your happiness.

If humans were all completely happy on their own, no one would partner up, would they

This doesn't make sense. Humans can be perfectly happy without going to the cinema, but we still go to them. We just don't rely on them as the source of happiness, which is how society projects relationships onto many of us. If everybody in a relationship was happy, your comment would make sense but... do you think they are?

Original poster
nomovieending · 15/11/2021 19:15
Hmm

You keep contradicting yourself- I'm really not in charge of my relationships, because I cannot force anyone to be with me. I can't magic up a boyfriend through sheer force of will! It's not like going to the cinema or making dinner at all Hmm

I'm not relying on a relationship being the source of happiness, but for me, at this stage in my life, I have put the other pieces into place, as far as I'm able to.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 15/11/2021 19:27

Nobody has suggested you can magic up a boyfriend. I said you are in charge of your 'relationships', which includes the ones with your family, your friends, your colleagues etc. And also you are in charge of your attitude to romantic relationships, and the way you feel about not having one, and the way you respond to potential dates.

'I'm so tired of being single and lonely' doesn't sound like you've got your life sorted out and that a partner would be the cherry on the cake. It sounds like you're not liking singledom and you think that a relationship would make you feel happier.

If you had the other parts of your life in place, you'd be so busy following your passions and igniting your soul that you wouldn't have time to be unhappy that you had nobody to hold hands with.

What do you do that lights you up?

icelolly12 · 15/11/2021 19:32

Do your friends partner's have any eligible friends to introduce you to? Any work parties coming up? Any New Year parties?

fumfspos · 15/11/2021 19:33

If you had the other parts of your life in place, you'd be so busy following your passions and igniting your soul that you wouldn't have time to be unhappy that you had nobody to hold hands with.

I agree with this.
Find your passion and follow it. Don't waste your life "dreading" spending the festive season alone; being tired of being single and lonely.
Fill your life with other things and pay attention to non-romantic relationships which can be just as fulfilling.
Maybe someone will come along and maybe they won't so you have to make the absolute best of the life you have.

Original poster
nomovieending · 15/11/2021 19:36

If you had the other parts of your life in place, you'd be so busy following your passions and igniting your soul that you wouldn't have time to be unhappy that you had nobody to hold hands with

That is an absolute load of nonsense.

OP posts:
anthurium · 15/11/2021 19:41

Do you have children Op? And if not, do you want them? Is wanting a relationship also tied up with creating a family?