Absolutely dreading spending the festive season single

[nomovieending]

I’m so tired of being single and lonely. I’ve had a lot of therapy, and I try to get out and do new things, but I just can’t meet anyone. I don’t even get answers after a match. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

My closest friends are all settled down and I’m really happy for them, but instead of meeting up for a Christmas dinner they want to take their babies to lunch. I get that, but it hurts really badly :(

No. I'd really like to have the option, but it would have to be as part of a relationship. I couldn't afford to go it alone and my job wouldn't work for adoption/fostering.

@nomovieending

No. I'd really like to have the option, but it would have to be as part of a relationship. I couldn't afford to go it alone and my job wouldn't work for adoption/fostering.

How old are you?

If you aren't in a position/prepared to reframe the concept of how to go about having a family (it can only exist within a paradigm of a romantic relationship), then there is a possibility that you may never get this sadly - as you are reliant upon finding someone and who's willing to do it with you/shares the same goals.

Out of interest why would your job not work for adoption or fostering? Would this be a consideration within a partnership though?

I'm 32. I know children might never happen, which does make me very sad. I am a very good auntie though :)

I love my job, but it can be quite intense. At the moment, I'm quite happy to do overtime and put more energy into my pet projects, and I get a lot of satisfaction from that. If I were to adopt or foster alone, money would be a concern and also having the sole responsibility time-wise really wouldn't work, especially as I know children in care often have a lot of additional needs.

OK, thank you for replying.

The thing is even within a partnership you can also easily end up being a single parent due to the relationship breaking down for whatever reason (yes the partner would be liable for CMS), but there's no guarantee that the relationship or commitment towards the child would be life long. In a way women need to always be prepared that most likely in the eventuality of a relationship breaking down they'd be left holding the baby so always to think about how to cope alone...I'm glad you are enjoying being an auntie though and that in itself brings a lot of fulfillment, and that you're busy with other life projects which are bringing you joy!

I was in your position for many many years.

Now I'm 40 here's my advice:
Find a team/sociable sport and join a club/team that allows you to practice it. I'd include dancing in this category. Gym is not the same.

Make a list of all the things you want to do before you have children and start ticking them off. Whether it's Inca Trail, getting a promotion, learning to kite surf or working in Germany for a while, get it done. It's not impossible to do when in a relationship but it's not as straightforward.

Do other hobbies that are sociable. Not because you will necessarily meet someone romantically in that hobby but because you will be nourishing your heart and soul, expanding your social circle, and making yourself, frankly, a more interesting person to be around.

Lastly, list all of the things that you're hoping a relationship will give you and challenge yourself to find other areas of your life where you can give and receive those things - affection, belonging, purpose, companionship, intellectual stimulation, intimacy, laughter. Sure, you'll probably still be left with sex (there are ways to handle that) and an ephemeral last piece of the jigsaw, but you can minimise the gaps or the extent to which you feel them.

I know there would always be the possibility to split up and be a single parent, but it's very different knowingly taking that on. A few years of saving though and it might become a possibility.

Thank you Palavah. That's good advice.