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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So confused, please help.

44 replies

wtf2015 · 14/11/2021 09:09

So I was seeing a lovely man for 2.5 years until 3 weeks ago, he is a widow and I am divorced. We both have teenage/adult kids and live in the same village.
For the last few months we have drifted apart, stopped having sex etc and both of us ignored it. We were supposed to be going away for a night and two days before he ended our relationship. He said he was no longer in love etc.

The trouble is, he wants to stay friends. He has already found someone else (friend has asked him out, he’s seen her twice and stayed over). Yet when we see each other, the connection between us is still there. We are the same together but no sex obvs.

Last night he came for dinner, we got drunk and had a lovely evening. Talked about us and whilst he says that the connection is still there, the attraction is still there, he is seeing someone else now, but wants me as a friend

I don’t want him as a friend, I am confused, hurt and none of it makes sense.

OP posts:

Flipflopfoodle · 14/11/2021 09:17

You're back up if new girlfriend doesn't work. Don't do this to yourself, cut him off, it'll be better long term

MamDancer · 14/11/2021 09:17

You don't want him as a friend, so don't have him as friend.

He could be using you as backup in case it goes wrong with shiny new woman.

He hasn't behaved well has he, whatever his motives.

Nyxly · 14/11/2021 09:20

You need to stop being his friend, just because that's what he wants.

In 3 weeks he has already found someone else. Its likely that he (at least) had his eye on this person before you split.

He sounds awful. Wants to split, date other people but still have everything with you how it was. Except the sex?

Cut him off.

Universeandeverything · 14/11/2021 09:22

Nooo don’t be his ‘friend.’ Who does he think he is? He is already seeing someone else. Are you sure there wasn’t an overlap?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/11/2021 09:26

He can fuck right off. He wants his new girlfriend but to still feel like the good guy with you and get the benefit of your companionship. Stuff that. Maybe, one day, you'll just be friends, but right now you're a newly estranged couple and you need space to process the end of the relationship. You may have consciously accepted that things are over, but for lots of us, at some level we'd still be thinking of him as a boyfriend on some level. Your cavewoman brain needs to process this too. Plus, your time and emotional investment is valuable - why spend it on him? He'll be a distraction from finding what you really want. You need a clean break for a while at least.
I'd text:
Hi ex, it's good that you still want us to be friends and maybe that can happen long-term, but right now I need to move on so I think we need to give each other time before we try to meet up on a different basis. All the best, WTF.

Original poster

wtf2015 · 14/11/2021 09:28

Pretty sure there wasn’t an overlap from his side. They are both in a running group and so group communications going on etc. He has said that it didn’t start until 2 weeks after we split up, I believe him but think she might have engineered the situation.

OP posts:

Nyxly · 14/11/2021 09:32

@wtf2015

He may not have started seeing her. But he probably was interested. I would bet money.

How would she have engineered it?

Original poster

wtf2015 · 14/11/2021 09:35

I mean developed theIr friendship

OP posts:

Original poster

wtf2015 · 14/11/2021 09:39

@DivorcedAndDelighted

He can fuck right off. He wants his new girlfriend but to still feel like the good guy with you and get the benefit of your companionship. Stuff that. Maybe, one day, you'll just be friends, but right now you're a newly estranged couple and you need space to process the end of the relationship. You may have consciously accepted that things are over, but for lots of us, at some level we'd still be thinking of him as a boyfriend on some level. Your cavewoman brain needs to process this too. Plus, your time and emotional investment is valuable - why spend it on him? He'll be a distraction from finding what you really want. You need a clean break for a while at least. I'd text: Hi ex, it's good that you still want us to be friends and maybe that can happen long-term, but right now I need to move on so I think we need to give each other time before we try to meet up on a different basis. All the best, WTF.

Yes you are right. What I am hoping for is that we will get back together because things are still the same. He’s behaving like a teenager who wants to sow his oats around before settling down.

OP posts:

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 09:40

He wants his cake and eat it, absolutely agree with everything PP have already said here.

mortgagedilema · 14/11/2021 09:42

If it doesn't work out he will pick up up again and drop you like a tonne of bricks the next time someone shiny and new come along.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/11/2021 09:44

He says the connection is still there , the attraction is still there, so what exactly is missing?
I think he's being polite, you stopped having sex and he was interested in someone else so ended it with you so that he could go ahead with his new woman with a clear conscience.
If you live in the same village, it's probably good if you can remain civil, but it's not really appropriate to be friends in the same way. So I wouldn't get involved in 1:1 situations with him, no dinner together, or even drinks at the local . That might be possibe a few years down the line, if that is what you want, but at the moment it would send out mixed messages.

Plus, if you want him back, it's best to distance yourself now so that he has a chance see what he's missing. If you still provide everything other than the sex, he's not going to miss all your other qualities.

Double3xposure · 14/11/2021 09:46

It’s impossible to “ develop a friendship “ without the involvement of the other party.

I don’t know what you are confused about - I’m afraid its quite simple to everyone reading your post. It’s over but he’s keeping you as a back up in case the new GF doesn’t work out. And of course it’s a handy way to keep her in line if she knows that he is still having intimate dinners with his ex. She will know to try really REALLY hard to keep him.

And I’m sorry but yes, there WAS an overlap. Men don’t leave a warm bed unless they have someone else lined up.

Send the message that @DivorcedAndDelighted suggested and then block him. Thats the only way you will get over him - no contact.

Nyxly · 14/11/2021 09:46

@wtf2015

I mean developed theIr friendship

Their friendship developed between both of them.

You don't develope a friendship alone. It take both.

You are hoping to get back together. You seem to be framing it that she chased him. Its understandable, it means you can get back together with him easier, if he wants to. It would be more difficult if you faced the probable truth.

Which is that he, likey, ended it with you so he could pursue her. If he had not already been there when you were together. That would be harder to move past.

You are worth so much more than this. More than him. He is using you

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 09:58

Oh dear. Or, OP could have some self respect and realise she's better than that and move on. He was clearly distancing himself from her whilst he lined up the other woman.

Kuachui · 14/11/2021 09:59

he definitely left you to be with the other woman.

Dont accept this, hes treating you lile a doormat and a mug.

he wants you as friends so that he has a nice little backup waiting

Nyxly · 14/11/2021 10:01

@KurtWilde I agree. All the game playing in the world won't make him wake up and be a decent person. Op needs to back off because he has treated her poorly.

Not as some move to try and make him he want her again.

If you have to play games to maintains someone's interest, it's not worth it.

Original poster

wtf2015 · 14/11/2021 13:03

You are all soooo wise. Thank you. I have texted him asking him to give me some space and will not contact him again.

Might change my user name to “doormat and mug“ 🙄

OP posts:

Double3xposure · 14/11/2021 22:49

Good decision.

But you are not a doormat / mug . It’s hard to overcome a lifetime’s conditioning to always put men first / be nice. He has taken advantage of your vulnerability.

You’ve done well to nip this in the bud now. And you were smart enough to come on here and ask for advice - Always a good move 😀

Original poster

wtf2015 · 20/11/2021 15:44

A little update for you... so it transpires that his new girlfriend has been in the background as a friend for a few months. The weekend before he dumped me he went away with 3 other running friends and she was one of them. She’s younger, blonder, opposite end of the stressed scale to me and she was there as a shiny new thing to distract him when we had drifted apart.

I’m pleased I know, it all makes sense now. But why would anyone make a play for someone when that man is in a relationship with someone else? It’s beyond me.

OP posts:

MamDancer · 20/11/2021 15:49

But why would anyone make a play for someone when that man is in a relationship with someone else?

Poor helpless man, stolen away against his will......

Theturnofthepoo · 20/11/2021 15:52

Yuck. He’s a cheeky fucker.

Blushingviolets · 20/11/2021 15:55

You don’t know it was all her ‘making a play’ surely? He wasn’t going to be tempted away if he was loyal to you. She wasn’t your problem, he was. And now he’s all her problem and you’re free! I’d be breathing a massive sigh of relief.

Theturnofthepoo · 20/11/2021 15:57

Op she didn’t make a play. When the temperature dropped in your relationship has likely been directly in parallel to this pair and their ‘friendship’. I’m really sorry but this stuff doesn’t happen overnight. Don’t invite him over for dinner again unless you like deceitful friends?

Theturnofthepoo · 20/11/2021 15:58

Yes as @Blushingviolets says, breathe a sigh of relief. He’s a bit of a fool.

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