So confused, please help.

[wtf2015]

So I was seeing a lovely man for 2.5 years until 3 weeks ago, he is a widow and I am divorced. We both have teenage/adult kids and live in the same village.
For the last few months we have drifted apart, stopped having sex etc and both of us ignored it. We were supposed to be going away for a night and two days before he ended our relationship. He said he was no longer in love etc.

The trouble is, he wants to stay friends. He has already found someone else (friend has asked him out, he’s seen her twice and stayed over). Yet when we see each other, the connection between us is still there. We are the same together but no sex obvs.

Last night he came for dinner, we got drunk and had a lovely evening. Talked about us and whilst he says that the connection is still there, the attraction is still there, he is seeing someone else now, but wants me as a friend

I don’t want him as a friend, I am confused, hurt and none of it makes sense.

Please block him.

She didn’t steal him or lure him. He wasn’t committed to you. A commitment includes a ‘yes’ to you and a ‘no’ to everyone else. That was his responsibility.

Accept that it hurts.
Commit to yourself and to show yourself respect.
Take time to heal.
Someone new will come along.

You are back up for his ego - he thinks he is the James Bond of your village. Please take how you are feeling today as a sign that it is not right.

Politely let him know that you will be unable to continue any sort of relationship with him and block and delete

Completely agree he is a 🍆... he should have realised what was happening and that they were getting close and put a stop to it.
However, she knew he was in a relationship and so will get what she deserves ie a relationship with a selfish, cheating, lieing man who is 10 years older than her... I’m sure when the novelty of having pulled him has worn off she will have second thought, his snoring won’t help either 🤣

@Leonardo87

You are back up for his ego - he thinks he is the James Bond of your village. Please take how you are feeling today as a sign that it is not right.

Politely let him know that you will be unable to continue any sort of relationship with him and block and delete

James Bond of your village - love it. He thinks he’s the man at the moment. Rather pathetic really.

Yes absolutely, but she knew he’d been in a relationship for the last 2.5 years.

You're blaming the wrong person. It isn't her fault. She might not have known her was in a relationship. He might have told her you had split or were splitting up. He might have been flirting with her for months.

Whatever, he is the one in the wrong (if their relationship started before yours ended that is). He wants to stay 'friends' either to keep you as back up or so he doesn't feel like the bad guy or to feed his ego (knowing you're on the sidelines and would take him back if he wanted it).

Yes you were right. There was an overlap.

@layladomino

You're blaming the wrong person. It isn't her fault. She might not have known her was in a relationship. He might have told her you had split or were splitting up. He might have been flirting with her for months.

Whatever, he is the one in the wrong (if their relationship started before yours ended that is). He wants to stay 'friends' either to keep you as back up or so he doesn't feel like the bad guy or to feed his ego (knowing you're on the sidelines and would take him back if he wanted it).

It takes 2... she knew he was in a relationship and still started a relationship with her. He’s not coming back, as a friend or anything else. That ship has sailed.

@Theturnofthepoo

Yes as *@Blushingviolets* says, breathe a sigh of relief. He’s a bit of a fool.

Sad but true. I used to have so much respect for him. Now I Drive past his house and inwardly shake my head at how someone can behave like he has.

Honestly disengage from the thought process
Of ‘she will get what she deserves’ etc - who cares? She might, she might not. Heaven knows what story he has spun her or she might have gone out of her way to seek out a man in a relationship. It is now not your circus, not your monkies.

Either way, you are hurt and in need of healing. Take time to yourself to process it all. Wish them
both well in their pantomime, and focus on a glow
up. Your misses are always your mercies. X

Op I get it, this situation happened to me and I kept thinking how dare she and knowing he was with someone. Well he had fed her a load of lies about us. It’s a classic you know, all the old chestnuts- my wife doesn’t love me anymore, we’re practically, nearly, just about split up. You get me. I can talk to her but not to you.

Blah blah, same old shit. Truth is nothing complicated; he’s just a fool who’s head has been turned, he’s probably justified it all to himself and her. He wants to stay friends for no benefit of you but entirely to himself - to ease his conscience, to have you on the back burner etc etc.

@Theturnofthepoo

Op I get it, this situation happened to me and I kept thinking how dare she and knowing he was with someone. Well he had fed her a load of lies about us. It’s a classic you know, all the old chestnuts- my wife doesn’t love me anymore, we’re practically, nearly, just about split up. You get me. I can talk to her but not to you.

Blah blah, same old shit. Truth is nothing complicated; he’s just a fool who’s head has been turned, he’s probably justified it all to himself and her. He wants to stay friends for no benefit of you but entirely to himself - to ease his conscience, to have you on the back burner etc etc.

Yes, “a fool who’s head has been turned” sums him up well. His choice though and I am determined not to go back, to friends or anything more. As hard as it is at the moment, it is over.

@Kuachui

he definitely left you to be with the other woman.

Dont accept this, hes treating you lile a doormat and a mug.

he wants you as friends so that he has a nice little backup waiting

I agree . Whether or not they had their first date before or after you broke up is irrelevant . It does seem he left you so that he could be with her . If things go south between them he will try to use you as a back up . That is until the next shiny new woman comes along This ones certainly not worth it . You deserve someone who chooses you above anyone else

Also to add ‘ maybe try not to see him so much as ‘ a fool who’s head has been turned ‘ as a man who consciously made a decision to choose her

@Pinkbucket

Also to add ‘ maybe try not to see him so much as ‘ a fool who’s head has been turned ‘ as a man who consciously made a decision to choose her

Yes, you are right. The commitment wasn’t there but I did neglect him and our relationship as was always working, looking after my children, having time alone. We had no sex life. I’m not surprised he went elsewhere 😔

Op why are you not understanding that your ex partner has made the decisions that he has? First of all you blame his new partner, then yourself. Stop it! He's a grown adult and he's responsible for his own actions.

It’s not your fault. It all takes 2. He could have talked to you. He could have kept decent boundaries when hanging out with this woman but he didn’t.

@MamDancer

You don't want him as a friend, so don't have him as friend.

He could be using you as backup in case it goes wrong with shiny new woman.

He hasn't behaved well has he, whatever his motives.

I second this. He should have done the honorable thing and broken things off before hooking up with another woman. Even though you drifted apart, he was cheating.

Cut him lose. You deserve better.

Its possible he was unhappy in the relationship for reasons, drifting apart. However its on an adult to say 'we've drifted apart and I dont want feel good about it. ' and either discuss an ending or a change. Not to drift along and basically sidle into a new situation. Some people can't get out of a bath without a warm towel honestly. Either way, 'for better or worse' wasn't his bag and you know now rather than 15 years down the line. Good for you seeing the light.