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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please ...

38 replies

Mekw · 13/11/2021 20:51

Hi just looking for general opinions on something as me and husband can't seem to agree and I'm not sure if it's him or me in wrong. Interested to hear another viewpoint.
Background .. married 10 years, 2 kids age 6 and 2. Marriage is good and he is great dad/husband. My close friendship group are mostly single/with another partner who is not child's father so they have a lot of free time due to split childcare with Dads. Over last few years we have had weekends away (maybe once or twice a year) as a girls group but every year me and husband have massive row about it because he seems to have an issue with fact I've left him on his own with kids. He suffers with depression due to some stuff that has happened to him in last few years and he says that the stress of doing a full weekend on his own is too much for him to cope with. He is a great dad and completely hands on but he struggles during the chaotic moments and with poor behaviour and said it is better when we are there as a team to deal with it. He has never been the jealous type or ever had issue with me going out etc so it's not a possessiveness issue but he just feels I am being selfish for leaving him when I know he struggles. He also thinks that once you have kids that girls weekends away should stop as it's not fair on the kids and that weekends away should be for family. He basically thinks I'm too old to be having girls weekends (I'm 40) and doesn't see why can't be happy with nights out whenever I want rather than staying over somewhere. He does have friends but would never go away and rarely goes out. I am in disagreement and don't see the issue with having a weekend away here and there. I feel he is being selfish by not wanting to deal with his own children alone for a couple of days to allow me some enjoyment. I would be glad for him to do the same with his friends but he doesn't want to.
Sorry ended up being a long one that - please give your thoughts so I can process who in the right!!
Thanks

OP posts:

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/11/2021 20:58

He sounds jealous,insecure and lazy.

He doesn't seem to have any friends/goes out so doesn't want you to have friends or go out either.The "I can't cope on my own with the kids" is code for I don't want to parent my own kids and I see it as your job.

Whilst I sympathise with him for having depression and appreciates it's hard both myself and DH have both suffered from depression at points over the years;it's not prevented us from parenting our children.

You need to stand up for yourself and tell him your entitled to a social life.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 13/11/2021 21:03

My married friends with lazy selfish DHs like yours still do the girls weekends, but they have grandparents watch the children instead of the loser fathers.

pog100 · 13/11/2021 21:03

I'm not sure there is a right/wrong here. However, even for practical reasons it's pretty damn important that each parent can effectively parent alone for periods of hours to weeks. You have no idea what the future brings.
I think the "norm" would be to expect each parent to get the odd night or weekend away. Apart from anything else it is refreshing and allows you to come back with renewed enthusiasm. In countless marriages one or both parents need to work away for various times too.

Player001 · 13/11/2021 21:08

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

My married friends with lazy selfish DHs like yours still do the girls weekends, but they have grandparents watch the children instead of the loser fathers.

Wow! Would you throw such hate towards a mother suffering pnd with a husband that wants to go out partying whilst she struggles with her mental health?

Original poster

Mekw · 13/11/2021 21:21

He's far from a 'Loser father' and he does parent alone as he has a day off work every week with my youngest so does equal amount of childcare as I do. As I've said - he is a hands on dad and not at all lazy he just feels it too hard to do 2/3 days alone when he does struggle during the stressful times. He says it will be fine in couple of years when they aren't so young. I do know how it sounds which is why we have rows about it and it is interesting to hear people's views on it.

OP posts:

category12 · 13/11/2021 21:25

Once or twice a year you have a weekend with mates, and he thinks that's wrong?

Bloody hell. Tell him to get a grip.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2021 21:29

he says that the stress of doing a full weekend on his own is too much for him to cope with

Does he say this bullshit with a straight face? Tell him to fuck right off with that nonsense. He must think you're really stupid.

Your husband is not a "great dad." FFS, he barely does the minimum. He's a selfish, entitled infant.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/11/2021 21:35

It's a massive shame for you that you can't do something so completely normal as ONE annual weekend away with your friends and child free. It's hardly anything to ask for most people. However, your dh does have his reasons and you clearly like him generally! So, I would look for other ways you could still go - him getting some help in maybe, either from a relative, friend, paid help?

Fireflygal · 13/11/2021 21:37

If a woman posted that her husband went away a few times a year even when she was suffering with depression after a very difficult time and left her with the children, one who was a toddler..I think she would get sympathy.

He isn't saying you can't go, he is saying timing isn't right as his health and age of children. I think many you can judge this but I think he doesn't sound unreasonable.

Could you organise for someone to give him a break whilst you are away?

PinkSyCo · 13/11/2021 21:39

Bloody hell are people missing the fact that this man suffers with depression? Mind you, you can’t really blame people for minimising it when you yourself are doing so OP. Why would you want to leave your kids with him for an extended period of time, when he is suffering with his mental health, for the sake of a jolly?

category12 · 13/11/2021 21:41

@Fireflygal

He isn't saying you can't go, he is saying timing isn't right as his health and age of children. I think many you can judge this but I think he doesn't sound unreasonable.

Could you organise for someone to give him a break whilst you are away?

Except he's been suffering with depression for years. At what point does OP get to lead a normal life?

Also it's not just his poor MH - he thinks that OP shouldn't go on weekends away because they have children and she's too old for that kind of thing .

LoveComesQuickly · 13/11/2021 21:43

I think it should be fine for you to go away with your friends OP. I go on girls' weekends and I'm late 40s so I don't think they stop at 40!

But. My DH also goes away without me occasionally which makes it 'fair'. If it was always one of us and never the other then I can see that might cause resentment.

Can you find a compromise? Maybe you could make it a bit shorter (one night instead of two?) or less frequent. Isn't there anything he'd like to do that isn't child friendly which you could facilitate for him?

category12 · 13/11/2021 21:44

And plenty of people have depression and the world doesn't stop for them, they have to keep doing things, keep looking after their children. One or two weekends a year is not a lot to ask.

user1471442488 · 13/11/2021 21:46

Another “great dad” who can’t cope looking after his own kids. I mean really…

Deela14 · 13/11/2021 21:49

He is their father not a stranger! He needs to get over himself. He should be able to parent his children alone for a day or two its hardly a week away. Depression or not his mental state should not condeem you to a lifetime of no freedorm (which is ridiculous in itself) everyone deserves me time and time away from being a parent.

He needs to get a grip and parent alone, or if he cant cope ask grandparents, aunts/uncles, friends to step in.

But this cant go on all their lives, sooner or later he needs to do it and in no way shape or form should your social life become non exsistent because of it.

Player001 · 13/11/2021 21:55

@PinkSyCo

It's unbelievable isn't it?! Men don't have mental health issues, they just need to get a grip.. Imagine a mother with pnd being told the same.

category12 · 13/11/2021 22:05

But he's been living with depression for years, at what point can his partner live a normal life?

Original poster

Mekw · 13/11/2021 22:16

@PinkSyCo

I appreciate that @PinkSyCo which is why I wanted some other viewpoints as I was feeling maybe I am being dismissive of his mental health. I have never suffered from anything like that so am of the mentality of 'just get on with it' but I know it's not as simple as that. I know a lot of what others are saying is true about me being entitled to me time etc etc but i do appreciate your spin on it.

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 13/11/2021 22:17

But he's been living with depression for years, at what point can his partner live a normal life?

So how much time would you allocate a loved one of yours to get over depression? A week? A month? Six months? In any case OP is living a ‘normal’ life. Lots of people don’t get to have twice yearly child free getaway for many reasons.

PinkSyCo · 13/11/2021 22:23

It's unbelievable isn't it?! Men don't have mental health issues, they just need to get a grip.. Imagine a mother with pnd being told the same.

A man would be bashed on here for wanting just one weekend away with the lads even if his partner didn’t suffer with depression.

supremelybaffled · 13/11/2021 22:28

Does his depression affect him in other ways, or does it only affect him when he has to look after the kids for more than 24 hours?

PinkSyCo · 13/11/2021 22:31

I appreciate that @PinkSyCo which is why I wanted some other viewpoints as I was feeling maybe I am being dismissive of his mental health. I have never suffered from anything like that so am of the mentality of 'just get on with it' but I know it's not as simple as that. I know a lot of what others are saying is true about me being entitled to me time etc etc but i do appreciate your spin on it.

Free time is lovely, but no-one is ‘entitled’ to it when they have kids I’m afraid, though I would say it’s pretty unhealthy if you don’t get the odd afternoon or evening away from them. But yes depression/anxiety can be crippling so if you love your husband please don’t listen to the man-haters on here. Hope he gets better and you get your girlie weekend away soon.

Comedycook · 13/11/2021 22:35

I've had one weekend away since my DC were born with my friends. Honestly, I wouldn't routinely do it

category12 · 13/11/2021 22:43

@PinkSyCo

But he's been living with depression for years, at what point can his partner live a normal life?

Yes, and thousands of people have depression and long-term MH conditions and are able to look after their children over a weekend on their own once a year. Most of them women.

Original poster

Mekw · 13/11/2021 22:50

@supremelybaffled

Does his depression affect him in other ways, or does it only affect him when he has to look after the kids for more than 24 hours?

Yes it's not just with looking after the kids. He has good and bad phases but the main issue is coping in stressful situations. It affects him at work sometimes and with other aspects of life not just the kids. He has had therapy a couple of times but still affects him sometimes.

OP posts:

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