Opinions please ...

[Mekw]

Hi just looking for general opinions on something as me and husband can't seem to agree and I'm not sure if it's him or me in wrong. Interested to hear another viewpoint.
Background .. married 10 years, 2 kids age 6 and 2. Marriage is good and he is great dad/husband. My close friendship group are mostly single/with another partner who is not child's father so they have a lot of free time due to split childcare with Dads. Over last few years we have had weekends away (maybe once or twice a year) as a girls group but every year me and husband have massive row about it because he seems to have an issue with fact I've left him on his own with kids. He suffers with depression due to some stuff that has happened to him in last few years and he says that the stress of doing a full weekend on his own is too much for him to cope with. He is a great dad and completely hands on but he struggles during the chaotic moments and with poor behaviour and said it is better when we are there as a team to deal with it. He has never been the jealous type or ever had issue with me going out etc so it's not a possessiveness issue but he just feels I am being selfish for leaving him when I know he struggles. He also thinks that once you have kids that girls weekends away should stop as it's not fair on the kids and that weekends away should be for family. He basically thinks I'm too old to be having girls weekends (I'm 40) and doesn't see why can't be happy with nights out whenever I want rather than staying over somewhere. He does have friends but would never go away and rarely goes out. I am in disagreement and don't see the issue with having a weekend away here and there. I feel he is being selfish by not wanting to deal with his own children alone for a couple of days to allow me some enjoyment. I would be glad for him to do the same with his friends but he doesn't want to.
Sorry ended up being a long one that - please give your thoughts so I can process who in the right!!
Thanks

Thanks @PinkSyCo - to be honest I do get plenty of me time in terms of evenings etc and has no issue with me going out on evening or an afternoon so it's not like I feel a prisoner with no social life. It's tough as my friends are in very different situation to me as they are no longer with child's father so they are wanting to arrange stuff more regularly and go abroad etc and expect me to go to everything but I don't want it to affect my marriage.
I'm definitely not here for the man haters 🙄 but it's been really helpful hearing views for both sides.

Yes, and thousands of people have depression and long-term MH conditions and are able to look after their children over a weekend on their own once a year. Most of them women.

Yep people muddle along because they have no choice. I know because I was one of those people. Doesn’t stop me feeling sympathy for other sufferers though.

I‘be been depressed for as far back as I can remember. I don’t talk about it or tell anyone because I think people really couldn’t give a shit at the end of the day. My mother used that line for years‘I suffer from depression’ she told everyone she met. It irritates the hell out of me.
My husband is actually away on a lads weekend this week. He goes every year with the same group of lads. And on top of that he frequently travels for business so I’m on my own with the kids a lot. It was much worse pre covid, my family used to comment that I was a single parent. On the other hand I guess I got used to it and I enjoy a bit of peace after the children go to bed.

I’m on your side, I think once a year is no harm and it’s nice that you have your friends to look forward to spending time with once a year. He’s being selfish I think

I don't think his expectations are fair on you that you can't spend a night apart until the kids leave home basically. IMO it's important for your and his mental health that you have some time apart.

I'd have more sympathy if he hadn't argued that OP shouldn't have weekends with her mates because she has children and somehow that is not fair on the kids, and because she's too old for it .

If he really can't cope, then reaching out for support from family, for example, would be healthier than expecting OP to give up her yearly/twice yearly "jolly". It's not like she's buggering off every other week.

@category12,
He suffers with depression due to some stuff that has happened to him in last few year

It's only been the few years and they have a 2 year old!

Op, I think you should have empathy for your dh as your youngest is still at a difficult age. It isn't forever as you know it gets easier once the youngest is slightly older. You're seem to have FOMO but your circumstances are different to your friends and I imagine they would be envious of your family life.

Do you have family support who can help out?

It’s good for you both to have friends and activities outside of your marriage. What you want is perfectly reasonable and is beneficial to you. He definitely needs to step up. Stick to your guns and go. In the meantime, leave him in charge regularly, whilst you do something else, so he can practice. Going from nothing to a whole weekend could feel daunting.

He’s completely wrong to say you shouldn’t have a life outside your immediate family, this is rubbish.

So is he depressed or is he playing the depression card?

Meh, I think it's incredibly sexist that men's mental health means the spouse should stay home every weekend of the year for as many years as it takes.

But you know fine well that if it were a woman, she'd be told it's only one/two weekends a year and she should be able to manage her own children for a night.

And people are conveniently ignoring his statements that her going out overnight is not suitable when she has children and at her age

@Fireflygal I do have support but only from MIL who I suspect fuels the idea of me being too old to go away etc as she is very much of this belief and very old fashioned when it comes to a mother's role 🙄 so to answer the question- I do have help however it doesn't stop the arguments about it!

I suppose another pov is if it were you with depression and could not cope on your own while your DP was off on a weekend away, perhaps you would want him to postpone doing that until you were able to cope and/or the DC were older? But an issue I feel you also need to address is that he feels you are too old to be wanting to be away on your own and that it should always be with family. Is that acceptable to you in the long term?

Your husband lost my sympathy when you mentioned him saying you shouldn't want weekends away because you have children and you're too old. That puts him into the selfish camp. What's he doing to manage his depression? Medication? Ongoing therapy? Because if he isn't being active in pursuing management and/or recovery, he doesn't get to play the 'I'm depressed' card.

Regardless he should be able to handle one weekend a year, even if it is with MIL's support. And they can both fuck off with their old-fashioned views.

I would say exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed, by the way. Marriage isn't an umbilical cord.

I think if this is a sort of one- off time away with your friends he should be able to manage on his own.
If he can’t then I see that as a red flag .
Why have kids if you can’t manage on your own for a couple of days?
If you became ill he’d have to.