Relationships with seriously damaged people

[ella58]

Can anyone give any input on this?

My partner of three years has some quite severe emotional damage and trauma from the past, particularly PTSD. I really had no idea for the first two years and then it came out over time.

Can anyone give me any feedback on relationships like this? I know they are hard (experienced that) but I am torn between leaving and staying as these parts of him are sometimes really hard to cope with and he doesn't want to get counselling to get over them. He's terrified of facing the trauma and then unravelling completely.

As a couple of examples of struggles:

• He was abused before, and if I shout or get angry with him he gets into a real state and it takes days to calm him down. I am not an angry or scary person, this is just regular couple arguments but he reacts to them in a very big way.

• He is paranoid that the world is an unsafe place and people are going to hurt him, including me. Despite years of evidence I am safe, he defaults to self-defence in a problem which is counter productive.

• He is almost frozen emotionally in his 16 year old state when his first trauma happened, and his views on me, the present are often polluted by things which happened nearly 30 years ago

Things like this - it makes the relationship hard sometimes, and if I get upset or angry or have needs he finds hard to meet (he can be, like anyone else, worth having a row with from time to time), I then feel guilty for upsetting him by being upset.

He can't stand me being upset, so he insists in supporting or looking after me, after which he more or less has a mini breakdown because me being upset has caused him to have an avalanche of fear that I am going to leave him.

We are two people who love each other deeply, but who are not in a healthy, stable relationship because one of us is not healthy and stable inside themselves.

For anyone who's experienced PTSD or long term trauma, is there anything you can recommend to help aside from counselling?

He had a bad relapse lately due to a situation in the present which he found very triggering so it's been a very difficult year.

I have used diet, vitamins, supplements, exercise, mindfulness, aromatherapy, massage and all this has helped a lot. Things he refuses are:

counselling
meditation
yoga

As he feels afraid these things will unlock the trauma in some way and then he won't be able to cope.

I really do love him, but it's very hard.

Apologies, i missed your long post.

Children are not a consideration thankfully.

But the rest stands.

This is not someone to be in a long term relationship with.

He had the mental capacity and self serving control to withhold the truth from you for two years.

I think you don't know him, can't fix him and should move on.

The part that bothers me is his refusal to get help.

Being traumatised is awful but we all have a responsibility for our behaviour to others. If he won't get help or do anything meaningful to resolve the trauma, he is essentially settling for inflicting it on you. Not OK.

And you putting up with it is bad for both of you, you are enabling him.

The most helpful thing you can do for yours and his well-being, and for that if your relationship, is to separate until he demonstrates commitment to recovery.

I feel for him I sufferer PTSD from an abusive relationship and childhood. And honestly the smallest sign of conflict I break down I can't handle it, I hate the intensity of the conversation and the intensity of the eye contact. I have a fear of being abandoned.

I've been to counselling and can now step back and look at why I feel triggered and be more rational. Have you asked him how it would be best to approach topics where you can both feel safe to express yourselves?

It's hard work, I know I can be hard work but I don't mean to be. And it does take work from both parties. Maybe if he's not open to going to counselling he would be open to watching or reading things on how handle his triggers?

Thank you. I have questioned where the line is between enabling. It's such a confusing position to be in :( The consensus seems to be he needs to help himself. Leaving someone you love in crisis feels like an unimaginable thing to do though :(

How can I put it to him in a way where he doesn't feel abandoned? Like a separation where I ask him to begin helping himself? Will this not just confirm for him that the world is a bad place?

@Maybebaby8, yes he's been watching and reading heaps of this stuff.

It's hard to explain but because he had such a severe breakdown, you can't really ask someone to read a self-help book when they can barely function. It's only been about three weeks he was smiling again and not crying every day.

@ella58

Thank you. I have questioned where the line is between enabling. It's such a confusing position to be in :( The consensus seems to be he needs to help himself. Leaving someone you love in crisis feels like an unimaginable thing to do though :(

How can I put it to him in a way where he doesn't feel abandoned? Like a separation where I ask him to begin helping himself? Will this not just confirm for him that the world is a bad place?

You need to stop trying to resolve his difficulties or what you imagine he will struggle with if you separate. That is for him to manage.

I don't mean to be harsh but you are infantilising him and it is detrimental to both of you.

He cannot find strength if you are constantly there to prop him up.

Maybe have a couple of sessions with a counsellor to help you navigate this. It's easy for outsiders to see but you may benefit from a professional ear to gain perspective and thereby allow yourself and your partner to grow.

I think the suggestion for you to have some counselling of your own is an excellent one. But I agree with other posters that if he flatly refuses to have counselling (or counselling and medication), this isn't sustainable.

If he doesn't have therapy for his trauma, it will never really heal - I can imagine how scared he is but does he understand that if he engages with this he will feel so much better and actually get his life back? Is he open to having therapy one day, or just says a flat no?

If it's a flat no, and nothing is going to change, then how long would you want to stay with him, with things being exactly as they are?

I think you need to get counselling for yourself tbh. You're firmly in rescuer territory which is just such a waste of time and energy and you will end up hurt.

This has so many red flags, this can never work. He doesn't want to deal with it.
How do you honestly see this playing out?

We are two people who love each other deeply, but who are not in a healthy, stable relationship because one of us is not healthy and stable inside themselves

This is the crux of it really.

Either co-dependency or unhealthy behaviour and enabling.

It's a tough one as I've been both the person with huge mental health issues (before treatment and medication to manage my bipolar diagnosis) and been the enabler of someone whose mental health issues damaged mine hugely.

I think a sensible objective view is that one persons mental health cannot take priority over another's in a long term relationship. It just can't. It ends in both parties being unwell or one party being utterly exhausted and likely eventually resentful.

It's not a sustainable way for two people to be well. The sad truth is that if you were with someone else you would likely not be as exhausted and drained. Of course as you love him deeply, it's not a simple as that and I understand that. But if your anxiety is increasing and your mental health is taking a battering, in order to try and manage his, that isn't fair or sustainable is it?

"In the first two years I knew nothing about this. I am very tuned in emotionally with things and thought maybe he'd been hurt and was avoidant in his attachments, but definitely didn't see signs of major trauma as he was good at covering it and never told me. Like @scarpa he thought this would push me away and didn't want to risk it."

How can you not see this? He kept it hidden for 2 years?

@ella58

Thank you. I have questioned where the line is between enabling. It's such a confusing position to be in :( The consensus seems to be he needs to help himself. Leaving someone you love in crisis feels like an unimaginable thing to do though :(

How can I put it to him in a way where he doesn't feel abandoned? Like a separation where I ask him to begin helping himself? Will this not just confirm for him that the world is a bad place?

What's the alternative though OP? That you feel unhappy forever in order for him not to feel abandoned? Sometimes we need to be selfish as it's healthiest for us. It's not fair to on you to sacrifice your future wellness for any man, let alone one you've only known a few years.

How old are you OP?
Are you a fixer?

It's a terribly sad situation, OP, but I'm afraid I would leave. I think staying will cause you a lot of unhappiness and you don't deserve that.

When someone refuses to get help, they force those closest to them to live inside their trauma, rage, panic and emotional chaos with them.

Staying with him keeps him locked in his fear, too.

Good luck OP, I hope you can find a good way to move ahead.

Sorry OP as someone who lived for 18 years with a partner who had experienced trauma and had mental health problems i would say run for the hills if he will not commit to therapy etc. It will drag you down massively. I didn't find out until 3 years into the relationship. In hindsight I wished I had ended it years ago. Only he can get help to fix him.if he doesn't your mental health could be very much affected.

You can't have a healthy adult relationship with somebody who is mentally a terrified child.

Has he read the body keeps the score? www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 it's a best seller and was recommended to me and is quite scientific in approach so may be helpful with his background? It's very helpful

Thanks everyone. I think when I posted I knew it is not sustainable unless he's willing to take steps to help himself more significantly.

An example of how bad things are is tonight. I'd like to stress he's mostly lovely, or lovely a lot of the time, but since the breakdown this is the kind of thing I find hard to deal with and it happens regularly - like every two or three weeks.

Today is a hard day for me as it's the anniversary of a very sad memory for me and I'd asked him for support. He gave me the support, really in spades, he did. He actually sat up all night with me when I was crying and he was really great.

Then this afternoon, when he knew I was still fragile, he got into a rage over some small thing, price of houses or someone closing the door to loudly. He then starts ranting for ages really angrily about door handles, and this unsettles me. He's not shouting, but he's swearing a lot and genuinely really angry, then he says "I feel rage, I am sorry, it's not you".

I was comforting at first (for about 20 minutes) and then I started to get irritated because it was so selfish to be raging at me about door handles when I was obviously going through something actually serious and difficult. After which he started saying life was joyless and pointless and so on.

I said to him that he wasn't angry about door handles, but that he is expressing rage as a result of trauma because he has not resolved it. He says he is not getting counselling. So I get more annoyed and then we are in an argument because I am fuming he won't help himself and that he's been insensitive and selfish when I have done so much for him.

At the end of it, he says he is so sorry, he's sorry I am paying for the wounds others inflicted. He says he is just trying to make it through the day and he knows the anger isn't about door handles. He says he is loving me the best he can and he is sad and frightened and it's so heartfelt that I feel bad and want to comfort him again.

So this is the kind of destructive loop we have been in since his breakdown. If he would just go to counselling, he would not get angry at door handles and he could stop being so sad and frightened. And it's hard for me because:

a) Seeing him in pain is pretty bloody horrible
b) I feel guilty about having any needs or emotions
c) I feel resentment and anger that he won't help himself

I know it's not sustainable

I'm sorry but that I'd very manipulative behaviour. He is punishing you for needing support.

You might want to look up Karpmans drama triangle and see if that rings any bells.

He has been through all that and is still a caring person who is trying to hold himself together. Wow, that's amazing, no sunset you love him. I feel rage and sadness that all his beautiful potential was stolen from him.
I don't think I could walk away from him and leave him to his fate (though I haven't walked a mile in your shoes so what do I know) but I do think I'd need to put tools in place when things like misplaced anger comes out. So like a code word for not being in a frame of mind where this could wash over you, so you both recognise these moments could happen and that sometimes you can hold his hand thru it (metaphorically) and other times when you're at a low ebb yourself you can't. So when you use the code word he takes himself off for a walk while his feelings run through him and comes back later (or similar plan).
In that sort of way could this become something copable? Joint strategies. He sounds really bright and self aware so maybe he would recognise the need to safe guard you from some of the effects he's living with?

You are not his rehab centre and he is abusive. You can't support someone who refuses to help themselves. Run for your life.

OP he has a very limited thresh hold of offering you support because he is so accustomed to receiving it rather that giving it.

Have really good look back through your history at look at the times when you needed supported and he maybe kicked off during those times as that is manipulative.

You are going to get in to a situation where you are walking on egg shell incase you trigger him and he kicks off. and that is toxic.

Honestly? I would have been gone ages ago.

If he's not prepared to work on himself at all then I would leave it.

I am a magnet for damaged people. I've had plenty of therapy myself, now diagnosed with autism and am working every day to understand myself better.

Someone who was acting unconsciously and just not prepared to work on that has the potentially to drain all your energy. Been there. Done that.

It's sad but relationships are a work in progress and both parties have to put the effort in.

He needs help. Counselling can't make it worse as he is living it every day. What he is doing now doesn't work or rather it works to a small degree for him but it is destroying you. He is fine with it destroying you by the way!

This is where you have to either leave or do something really hard. That hard thing is for him to seek and be in deep counselling, therapy and actively getting and keeping a schedule of help within six months or you will leave. Then do nothing. If he doesn't even start the process towards him getting well. Leave.

I left a similarly abusing relationship. He would not get help. He moved to house on the coast of North Scotland. I have no idea if he got better, got worse or died. I made the decision to save myself and stop the merry go round because I was the only one who would or could.

Give him autonomy and the chance to save the relationship by getting therapy. If he doesn't. Leave. His choice. All this stress will be taking a toll on you that you are not aware of or admitting to at this point OP.