Stay at Home Mums - Money from Husband

[mailpal]

We have joint account, I can and do use freely for what I Dear Son need..

Food shops, petrol, stuff for both of us etc.,

But I don't have any personal income/savings at all and no pension!

I've been a SAHM for 3.5 years now and am fully reliant on DH..

Not ideal at all I know this!

My husband is well off himself (he has multiple accounts/savings/investments/pension..

My question, do I get personal money from him and a pension? We have agreed I will work when my son goes FT at nursery, a year away (it works for us for now)

Any advice??

You should be paying NI for the state pension & paying into a private pension out of the income

I would also want an ISA

@ronfa

You should be paying NI for the state pension & paying into a private pension out of the income

No need to pay NI as the OP can claim NI credits for the time not working and staying at home.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-parents-and-carers-cf411a

@Marmight but what about the years not claimed?

I was thoroughly shafted by my ex when he disappeared with OW. I hadn’t worked for much of our 20 years marriage (initially through SAHM, then I developed a chronic illness). Everything was in his name, and while correct it’s ‘joint’, it isn’t joint of he hides the accounts and the money, which is what mine did. Pensions disappeared, and he withdrew lump sums when he turned 55, which I didn’t know about.
I trusted him with my life, he left me and our children penniless and we no longer have any contact.
Follow the advice you have received, and make sure you aren’t me in the future.

This is a personal bugbear of mine, because I’ve seen way too many friends suffer what @mylifestartstoday went through and it REALLY fucks me off! Lots of couples make an agreement that he works and she raises the kids. Fair enough….but what happens so often is that, his career progresses nicely over 10-15 years whilst her earning potential decreases. He turns into a bit of a silver fox, earns well and is successful and then has his head turned by some woman 20 years younger, wife is at home happily doing her thing (which is usually absolutely EVERYTHING for him, kids, house etc) and he decides he “deserves more” and starts moving/hiding money etc. He then drops the bombshell, fucks off with the ow and leaves the wife and kids high and dry. I cannot tell you how much I DESPISE men like this (and no it’s never happened to me!) I just think it is GROSSLY unfair. So, if I was a SAHM, I could be making damn sure that everything was legally, jointly registered, money was being paid into my own personal pension/ISA etc and I had access to every single account. The number of absolutely lovely women and children I have seen get shafted by men that they trusted with their lives is shocking so I would take every possible measure to protect myself financially

@Buildingthefuture. He literally ‘stole’ everything. I wouldn’t even suggest having joint accounts unless it’s 2 signatures, because mine just moved all money from a joint savings to a sole account, and there was nothing I could do.
He literally left us penniless, and he doesn’t care. In fact, no one cared. The divorce went to court, and the judge wasn’t bothered, so he got away with everything. By my calculations he has £400/500k of ‘our’ money in savings/pensions that I can’t access.
I’m in my 50’s, he’s taken the best years of my life.
Never think it won’t happen to me, because I thought the same, yet here I am. I’m sole provider for our children/pets, while he’s living with someone else, somewhere (no idea where), and she will be profiting from my work in raising the kids while he worked his way up at his career.

Anyway….hope the OP takes the advice everyone has offered. Good luck

OP you said you’re been together 17 years, a SAHM for 3.5 - where did all your husband’s savings/investments/multiple accounts come from? Why do you not have any in your own name from even when you were working?
If you earned a lower amount than him you should have been contriving proportionally and been able to save.

Also to add yes he should be giving you some money that’s yours in a sole account.
But you should have access some of his savings/investments too. How can he have all of these and you have zero has he been unfair financially to you anyway

It may be different though if he had a career and you didn’t

I'm the sole earner and my husband is now partly SAHD, partly student. All my salary goes into our joint account, then from that we get a small equal amount into our personal accounts, plus some goes into joint savings. I don't pay into his pension because we just can't afford that on top of the childcare, but once he finishes at uni he'll have a much higher earning potential than he did previously so the years out will be worth it. Child benefit is in his name so he's getting the NI credits. Am I being fair to him?

@Flev

I'm the sole earner and my husband is now partly SAHD, partly student. All my salary goes into our joint account, then from that we get a small equal amount into our personal accounts, plus some goes into joint savings. I don't pay into his pension because we just can't afford that on top of the childcare, but once he finishes at uni he'll have a much higher earning potential than he did previously so the years out will be worth it. Child benefit is in his name so he's getting the NI credits. Am I being fair to him?

You should start your own thread...

[quote Mylifestartstoday]@Buildingthefuture. He literally ‘stole’ everything. I wouldn’t even suggest having joint accounts unless it’s 2 signatures, because mine just moved all money from a joint savings to a sole account, and there was nothing I could do.
He literally left us penniless, and he doesn’t care. In fact, no one cared. The divorce went to court, and the judge wasn’t bothered, so he got away with everything. By my calculations he has £400/500k of ‘our’ money in savings/pensions that I can’t access.
I’m in my 50’s, he’s taken the best years of my life.
Never think it won’t happen to me, because I thought the same, yet here I am. I’m sole provider for our children/pets, while he’s living with someone else, somewhere (no idea where), and she will be profiting from my work in raising the kids while he worked his way up at his career.[/quote]

I just have a joint account that's it - I don't know much about savings / ISA / pensions and I'm aware I need to educate myself!!

My husband is very quick with money puts it away in investments and savings. All I see is literally the money coming in each month.

I mentioned a pension to him before and he said "when you start working you can contribute to your own one"

He has a career and worked hard. I've been there and supported him.

His is very astute with money in general.

@Flev

I'm the sole earner and my husband is now partly SAHD, partly student. All my salary goes into our joint account, then from that we get a small equal amount into our personal accounts, plus some goes into joint savings. I don't pay into his pension because we just can't afford that on top of the childcare, but once he finishes at uni he'll have a much higher earning potential than he did previously so the years out will be worth it. Child benefit is in his name so he's getting the NI credits. Am I being fair to him?

Why pay for childcare if he’s a sahd- not unusual for people to opt out of pensions whilst the kids are very young

@mailpal - if he were that financially astute and intended to stay with you, he would be ensuring you have some money in your own name. So, is he therefore financially astute and planning to leave you? Or is he expecting you to desert him and ensuring he can hide the money from you if you do?

He is definitely more private with money.

I will need to speak with him

To be honest I'm going to go against the grain here....

If I was married to you no I wouldn't be paying for a pension for you - you've had what 3 years out of the workplace? What were you doing the previous 17?

Who decided you would give up work? Did you push to do it because you wanted to be home with your child? Ie you could have afforded childcare but you decided not to?
You can't put a price on that

The whole spending money point - if you say wanted a new coat tomorrow would be be ok buying it? If so then why do you need an "income" from him?

I've always worked, had jobs but didn't build a career, wasn't smart or astute with my own finances.

He has been brought up by what I would call 'money mad' parents and put on a path to build his own. I respect that, I appreciate that.

I also agree I should have been building my own career/savings.

I chose my relationship over everything. I left uni for him and do have some regrets.

However, I am where I am. I didn't have family guidance or support with anything.

I don't wish to try and justify my decisions, I made poor ones but at the time had no awareness of what I was walking into.

Myself and husband felt it would be better for me to be at home with baby. It was an entirely joint decision. He will be attending nursery full time age 4. Then I will look to re-enter the job market.

Husband has savings and an investment account for our son which is great.

I guess I just need to start to cover my own back here should anything go wrong.

@mailpal

I've always worked, had jobs but didn't build a career, wasn't smart or astute with my own finances.

He has been brought up by what I would call 'money mad' parents and put on a path to build his own. I respect that, I appreciate that.

I also agree I should have been building my own career/savings.

I chose my relationship over everything. I left uni for him and do have some regrets.

However, I am where I am. I didn't have family guidance or support with anything.

I don't wish to try and justify my decisions, I made poor ones but at the time had no awareness of what I was walking into.

Myself and husband felt it would be better for me to be at home with baby. It was an entirely joint decision. He will be attending nursery full time age 4. Then I will look to re-enter the job market.

Husband has savings and an investment account for our son which is great.

I guess I just need to start to cover my own back here should anything go wrong.

There are always two sides to every story but your husband doesn't look good here. How could he be ok with you leaving uni for him- that's a big sacrifice. If he was financially astute why did he not help you? Talk to you about savings and investments? A good spouse doesn't squirrel things away or keep their other half in the dark.

I don't like his attitude and you're very wise to start thinking about this.
I suggest you start reading up on personal finance, the MoneySavingExpert website has some good tips on this.

You need to also take active control of the finances, you both need to be onboard about how the money is invested etc and understand what it means rather thn just leaving it to him. After all you're married with a child. It's your money too!

I've been a sahm for a while and my husband works. I claim child benefit so get ni credits. We put everything into one pot. A fixed amount gets transferred to another account for bills/mortgage/pension, and then I'm free to use whatever is left as I see fit. Neither of us are big spenders though, and anything more expensive would be discussed. It works for us.

@ronfa

www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits/eligibility

If you are receiving the child benefit and the child is under 12, you should get the credits automatically

Thank you everyone x