Miserable situation

[Shayanne90]

Hi, I have a gorgeous little boy who will be 3 early next year. I really just need to vent a little, get my feelings out there.
His Dad has caused me no end of awful problems in the 5 years of us being together. He is an alcoholic (life time drinker),ruined a large part of his life etc but currently sober. About a month ago his Dad came to stay with us and before and during his Dads week long stay partner was drinking 10 cans a night or so (and during day) with his Dad. He threw this off as a bit of fun because his Dad was here and it was “fun”. I knew there was something about to happen as he is under obligations by social services to not drink, and to not be around us when he is drunk because frankly he is violent and dangerous. A little while after his Dad left he kept buying drinks despite my protestations and him insisting it was fine and he wouldn’t cause trouble. Shortly after he became severely verbally assault I’ve, threatening and intimidating. He was drunk and kept ordering me upstairs to sit in our bedroom and “enjoy my night”, every time I came downstairs worried for my son he would yell and shout. This escalated on his part to screaming and shouting in my face when I was holding our child, threatening me, insulting me, and basically forcing me to stay in the bedroom. He bathed my son, also against my wishes as I told him he was drunk and incapable - cue more screaming and yelling. Honestly I was terrified for my safety and my sons. He bathed my son who cried all the way through then brought him upstairs and stood over him shouting what an “effing” this that and the other he was and how he was doing his head in. Terrifying for my son I’m sure. I feel so guilty and trapped. I can’t forgive him and he’s bought me an engagement ring?? I’ve lived apart from him before at the request of social services and have my own place - but he basically stops me from going there and I’m scared to leave. Even so, if I did go to my house, whenever I’m away he rings me every 5 minutes and refuses to give me peace. I also live in a small place which I love but it isn’t exactly hard for him to know where I am/see me. Also we have animals (that I care for) - I feel he’d neglect our animals if I left and where I am living with him is legally his house. My son is now newly enrolled at a nursery near my partners house which he loves. Partner doesn’t work, hardly helps with our son, sits on video games all day. I do not want to leave my son on his own with my partner, at all and I’m so depressed that his behaviour has made me feel so awful. He has a long history of domestic violence, criminal damage caused by jealousy, and 4 other children (he only sporadically sees one of them when he’s with his Mum). We are going to see our families for Christmas and I just know he will start drinking again. This is a nightmare, I’ve had 5 years of his psychological torture and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I can speak to women’s aid to get advice - that’s the plan but it’s just getting the couch it age together to do it.

You really need to leave, urgently. Take your son, and animas if you can. If you can’t take the animals to your place, womens aid might be able to also help you find shelter for them. I think you and your son are in very real, serious danger. Reach out to your family and get as many people around you as involved as possible. If I knew of a friend, neighbour, or even just an acquaintance in your position, I would have you, your son & animals in a heartbeat. Please leave. xxxx

OP,
The past is the past.

What is happening right now?

You clearly feel your alarm bells ringing.

Trust yourself!

I have a relative in a similar situation (or she was, up to now she’s left and stayed left but who knows). Social services tell her what a great mum she is and how proud they are of her too - but make no mistake if she went back to her violent ex or allowed him to spend time with the baby then she would lose custody.

For whatever reason (and I imagine it’s more lack of resources to force any other outcome) they didn’t stop you going back to your ex this time - it’s baffling to me that they allowed it given his past. But you’re clearly not telling them everything and clearly they don’t know that he’s now shifted his abuse to your son.
If your son was old enough to go into nursery and tell them what happened that night there’s every chance he wouldn’t end up coming home to you that night - I’ve worked in schools and seen children go into emergency care straight from school in similar situations. Your son is going to start telling people what he sees/ witnesses/ experiences - either in words or through his behaviour. Even if he doesn’t, his bullying addict father is inevitably going to end up hurting him or worse - either by ‘accident’ or deliberately.

And if somehow you manage to get away without any of the above happening there’s no way in hell your adult son will forgive you for keeping him in that situation as he grew up.

So I say again, one way or another you’re going to lose him.

I’m not saying your a bad person or a bad mother. But you’re certainly not acting in your son’s best interests at the moment, and you’re coming up with an awful lot of excuses eg you ‘couldn’t have foreseen’ what happened when your partner gave your terrified and crying toddler a bath and then aggressively verbally abused him as he sobbed - well yes you absolutely could have foreseen that, your partner is a violent addict with a history of abuse who has in your own words given you no end of problems. So of course you could have predicted that he’d end up doing something like that and we can all confidently predict he’s going to do something like that again, if not worse.

He’s going to keep terrifying and hurting your son and it’s going to get worse. You can’t claim next time that you couldn’t foresee it. You can’t think that because SS told you in the past that you’re a good mum then you don’t have to act now. You know it’s going to happen and now you need to protect your son. Yes you’re a victim, yes you’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life and yes this is your partner’s doing - but you don’t get to do nothing now. You HAVE to get your son away from his dad and out of this situation.

It’s great that you’ve reached out here, it’s great that you’ve researched women’s aid. Those are good first steps. But you have to keep going.

Just imagine what it would feel like to have a calm, safe home just for you and your son, where your son can grow up in peace and not in fear. You can get there - yes it will be hard in the meantime and it needs a lot of courage and strength from you now, but do it for your son.

How many times do I have to say my son is not going to be taken into care. Everything they have asked me to do regarding my relationships and the risk my partner posed (they were very high risk then because he was drinking heavily) I have done. I have moved out and been a single mother for 6 months and spent restricted time with my partner and he had restricted time with my son, none at all at first. I have been told I am an examplary mother who wants to protect her son and who does - what happened, which I totally understand is wrong was not something I imminently anticipated. I have made steps to keep myself and my son safe

Except now you're back in the abusive situation with your son, so he is at risk again.

I feel he’d neglect our animals if I left

And yet while you stay you are not only endangering your child (due to your partner's drinking, his verbal abuse etc etc etc) but you are ABSOLUTELY putting your child at risk of BEING REMOVED FROM YOUR CARE.

You have told us on this thread that you know that should the police be called that SS will be involved. You are ALREADY on their radar and they have not simply just had a chat with you, but put into place an order that you cease contact initially and increase that over 6 months () TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD.

You have a place to go, you need to leave before this escalates. Your dp is an abusive alcoholic and your dc deserves so much better than this. You literally have no reason not to leave, pets can be rehomed, heartbreaking as that may be, but it seems that you are prioritising your pet's welfare over your dc.

Sorry should have said: … so abused women (and men) can call in safety

OP. Please leave.
Tell people in real life - family, friends nursery leaders - anyone would be horrified and willing to help. The sooner you leave, the less damage you'll do to your son's mental health. He will remember being scared and hearing the screaming. You can get him away from that.
Get help.

My first post didn’t post: OP - What would help you get away? Is your family any use or do you have friends you could go to? If you were to report the situation to the police I think they will get you into a shelter very quickly. Hopefully women’s aid can do the same. You can go into boots, Superdrug or a number of other places which are offering their consultation rooms so that abused women can make necessary phone calls in safety. Could you do something like that tomorrow – take your son out and go to somewhere like Boots and make a call?

I empathise OP. I also had a poor childhood and it led me into a decade long abusive relationship. I look back now and I’m both angry with myself that I stayed for so long and proud of myself for getting the courage to leave.

You have all the motivation in the world in your precious little boy. Please do this for him. Don’t let him have the same shitty childhood experiences that you did. You know how much what he sees and experiences now will influence him. He deserves better and so do you.

And besides, you know this guy is a deadbeat with other children he doesn’t bother with. He will eventually leave you alone and you and that little boy can live a fear free life.

I sincerely wish you all the best. Please build up the courage to leave, you won’t regret it, and your child will be more thankful than you can ever imagine.

You may have been a protective factor at the time they closed the case. but you aren't any more. Because you took your child back there and are standing by as he gets shitfaced and aggressive towards the pair of you.

You have to leave. Call the police and tell them he's holding you against your will - which is what he's doing if he's forcing you to stay upstairs whilst he endangers your child.

Or the best result is that SS find out and place him under an emergency care order, as the worst result is that pissed up, controlling, violent loon does something to him in the bath.

What do you actually want OP? My opinion is that you're actually really intelligent which makes your inability to see that you are putting your son at risk even more difficult for everyone to understand. I think that what you actually want is a relationship with this man and to keep your son and you want us to find a way to rationalise this for you. Well, sadly, there is nothing that anyone can do or say that will make this situation acceptable. If you continue to ignore the threats to your son, he absolutely needs to be removed by social services whilst you untangle your distorted views of world.

Op’s 1st post describes her son being terrified after a forced bath & being stood over shouted at

Then next posts describe how Her son is always happy & smiling

The denial here….

Go back to your home and block his number OP

You're still calling him your partner OP, he should be your ex FGS

You are back paddling and contradicting everything you wrote on your first post.
A great mum would not stay with a man that done that to their child. It’s not about how weak you are to leave you need to find the maternal instinct to protect your child.
Staying to protect your animals but stay and damage your son?
My heart breaks for your son to have an abusive father and a mother in denial. Sorry I’m harsh but your son deserves better and to come before everyone.

@Shayanne90

Don’t question my abilities as a mother - you don’t know me and it isn’t easy to just “see the light” when you’ve been brainwashed and squashed.

Clearly you know what you have to do why are you posting if your going to ignore the elephant in the room

Social services require him not to drink he is drinking you should leave

I'm sorry that this is happening to you OP, and I understand that the relationship has wore you down which is why you are still there and havent had the courage to leave yet. But you absolutely need to do it for your son.

Reading what you wrote about your partner forcing your son into the bath and him crying the whole time was so upsetting. I hope you understand the lifelong damage that situations like that can have on young children. I have recollections from a very young age and the trauma stays with you and shapes you. Please, please leave this awful man for the sake of your little boy.

Somebody with his history, criminal record, 4 kids, social services, abusive alcoholic- it just sounds horrific. I would take fleas over that any day. Contact the council/landlord and get and get your flat treated if it is still infested and get the hell out.

Op you came here for advice. Leave please

@dickiedavisthunderthighs

You've just described a situation where your partner separated you from your child, bathed child who was crying and then went on to terrify him - and you're saying your child isn't harmed?

How on earth could you stand by and watch your child this terrified and not ring the police?

Because you knew that SS would be involved.

You made a decision not to call the police because you don't want SS contacted.

Your poor child.

If your priority was your sons protection you would have called the police and not allow a drunken waster abuse him.

That poor child.

Start with being honest with yourself if you want to help yourself and that poor little mite being bathed and screamed at by that monster.

Your post is upsetting to read.
Poor child must have been absolutely terrified.

This sounds intolerable for you. And whether or not he is drinking he sounds a nightmare. His history is horrific.
You know you need to get away from him.
You can find the courage - you lived on your own as a single parent before and managed all that.
What leads you to want to avoid social services help?
I just want to say that the longer you stay the more impact there is on your son. I left domestic abuse when my child was a teenager and growing up in that atmosphere led to my poor child having suicide attempts, low self-esteem and long-term mental health problems.