Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Miserable situation

70 replies

Shayanne90 · 13/11/2021 12:53

Hi, I have a gorgeous little boy who will be 3 early next year. I really just need to vent a little, get my feelings out there.
His Dad has caused me no end of awful problems in the 5 years of us being together. He is an alcoholic (life time drinker),ruined a large part of his life etc but currently sober. About a month ago his Dad came to stay with us and before and during his Dads week long stay partner was drinking 10 cans a night or so (and during day) with his Dad. He threw this off as a bit of fun because his Dad was here and it was “fun”. I knew there was something about to happen as he is under obligations by social services to not drink, and to not be around us when he is drunk because frankly he is violent and dangerous. A little while after his Dad left he kept buying drinks despite my protestations and him insisting it was fine and he wouldn’t cause trouble. Shortly after he became severely verbally assault I’ve, threatening and intimidating. He was drunk and kept ordering me upstairs to sit in our bedroom and “enjoy my night”, every time I came downstairs worried for my son he would yell and shout. This escalated on his part to screaming and shouting in my face when I was holding our child, threatening me, insulting me, and basically forcing me to stay in the bedroom. He bathed my son, also against my wishes as I told him he was drunk and incapable - cue more screaming and yelling. Honestly I was terrified for my safety and my sons. He bathed my son who cried all the way through then brought him upstairs and stood over him shouting what an “effing” this that and the other he was and how he was doing his head in. Terrifying for my son I’m sure. I feel so guilty and trapped. I can’t forgive him and he’s bought me an engagement ring?? I’ve lived apart from him before at the request of social services and have my own place - but he basically stops me from going there and I’m scared to leave. Even so, if I did go to my house, whenever I’m away he rings me every 5 minutes and refuses to give me peace. I also live in a small place which I love but it isn’t exactly hard for him to know where I am/see me. Also we have animals (that I care for) - I feel he’d neglect our animals if I left and where I am living with him is legally his house. My son is now newly enrolled at a nursery near my partners house which he loves. Partner doesn’t work, hardly helps with our son, sits on video games all day. I do not want to leave my son on his own with my partner, at all and I’m so depressed that his behaviour has made me feel so awful. He has a long history of domestic violence, criminal damage caused by jealousy, and 4 other children (he only sporadically sees one of them when he’s with his Mum). We are going to see our families for Christmas and I just know he will start drinking again. This is a nightmare, I’ve had 5 years of his psychological torture and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I can speak to women’s aid to get advice - that’s the plan but it’s just getting the couch it age together to do it.

OP posts:
altmember · 13/11/2021 15:20

All it'll take is for a concerned neighbour to overhear him yelling at you or the child and phone the police. SS are all nicely nicely, friendly until the moment they change their minds and then they'll snap in an instant.

EKGEMS · 13/11/2021 15:20

You HAVE to get away from him! Your poor son has no choice in who/where he is living but you do. You should've called the cops. At the end of the day it's both parents' responsibility to care for and protect their children but if one is causing harm the other parent should step up. His father has been abusing you and it's despicable and terrifying but you have to do it

cool4cats2020 · 13/11/2021 15:22

@Shayanne90

I would leave soon if I thought he was reasonable and wouldn’t cause a massive problem. If the police get called social services will get involved which is a living nightmare AND he perpetually threatens and rings me up drunk blaming me and accusing me about everything he has done. There is the option of trying to sneak off and just going home and locking the door - but I am so mentally fragile there’s a huge chasm between what I want to do and what I feel I am capable of mentally. My sons nursery? He needs to be at nursery and I need the break but he’s at a nursery now that he lives just down the road from my partners house.
Yes, that's why you need to get an injunction, non molestation order agai at him. SS will more than likely back you up with that.
Moretodo · 13/11/2021 15:30

It's not going to go away or get better.
If you call the police, it will get you legal aid down the road if you need it.
You will be less likely to be forced into contact etc if he wanted to go that route of taking you to court.
If you don't face up now it's going to get harder and more complicated.
This is the least damage you can get away with.
Complying with him, walking on eggshells and covering up is causing damage that will be apparent when your son gets older and is a damaged adult.
How will he be anything else?

No one is trying to make you "feel bad", they are telling the truth.

I grew up in this and I'm 45, in therapy, and still working through my issues.
Wake up OP, only you can do this for your son. He is reliant on his parents and only one of them (you) is capable of doing what he needs.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 13/11/2021 15:32

You've just described a situation where your partner separated you from your child, bathed child who was crying and then went on to terrify him - and you're saying your child isn't harmed?

1forAll74 · 13/11/2021 15:33

I don't know what to say about your situation, except that I can't get my head around you having to be with this man. who is abusive, and orders you to go upstairs out of the way, and acts like a mad person, does things against your wishes,and all the rest. I know too well what it is like,to live with an alcoholic, and experience their tragic and horrible behaviour.

category12 · 13/11/2021 15:39

@Shayanne90

I would leave soon if I thought he was reasonable and wouldn’t cause a massive problem. If the police get called social services will get involved which is a living nightmare AND he perpetually threatens and rings me up drunk blaming me and accusing me about everything he has done. There is the option of trying to sneak off and just going home and locking the door - but I am so mentally fragile there’s a huge chasm between what I want to do and what I feel I am capable of mentally. My sons nursery? He needs to be at nursery and I need the break but he’s at a nursery now that he lives just down the road from my partners house.
If your home is social housing and you're not living there, you run a very real risk of losing it. Then what will you do? You'll be more stuck than you are now.

There are other nurseries. Ask for more support with your mental health to live independently of him.

Helpstopthepain · 13/11/2021 15:41

@Shayanne90

I would leave soon if I thought he was reasonable and wouldn’t cause a massive problem. If the police get called social services will get involved which is a living nightmare AND he perpetually threatens and rings me up drunk blaming me and accusing me about everything he has done. There is the option of trying to sneak off and just going home and locking the door - but I am so mentally fragile there’s a huge chasm between what I want to do and what I feel I am capable of mentally. My sons nursery? He needs to be at nursery and I need the break but he’s at a nursery now that he lives just down the road from my partners house.
The police and social services will become involved if you stay too so why not invite them to help you to protect yourself and your son.

I get that you are fragile, you will be! You are living in fear. It’s draining and scary.

Is there a nursery near your house?

Helpstopthepain · 13/11/2021 15:42

@Moretodo Flowers

Tozzy · 13/11/2021 15:43

OP,
I have never posted. I can’t hold back here. This is what you wrote:
“This escalated on his part to screaming and shouting in my face when I was holding our child, threatening me, insulting me, and basically forcing me to stay in the bedroom. He bathed my son, also against my wishes as I told him he was drunk and incapable - cue more screaming and yelling. Honestly I was terrified for my safety and my sons. He bathed my son who cried all the way through then brought him upstairs and stood over him shouting what an “effing” this that and the other he was and how he was doing his head in. Terrifying for my son I’m sure. “

No matter how good of a mother you try to be and if you do not have it in you to leave for yours and your child’s safety, just think about your child:
Your child is being emotionally abused and his life is at risk being bathed by an intoxicated man- against your will!?!

I am questioning if you are a fit mother if you can not see the abuse and serious risk to your child’s safety.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, I work with mother’s like you and as you describe yourself as brainwashed, concentrate on the fact that your child only has you to protect him from the abuse at the moment if SS are not involved.

You have to leave, for your son!

AliasGrape · 13/11/2021 15:43

Your child is being ABUSED - of course he’s being harmed. Being separated from you and bathed by a drunk and incapable man and then yelled and sworn at and called names. It’s abusive.

If social services aren’t involved any more they should be. Your son needs protecting.

You need to leave. If the pathetic abusive alcoholic bully you call a partner harasses you you need to call the police and get a non molestation order. If you need to move your sons nursery then that’s what you do - the upheaval of that is a drop in the ocean compared with the awful living situation he’s being forced to endure at the moment.

I know you feel beaten down and like you’re not capable and of course it won’t be easy, but you have to do this because you need to protect your son, if you don’t then one way or another you are going to lose him.

user1471082124 · 13/11/2021 15:45

OP it is clear from your post that you are very frightened. This is affecting your capacity to think clearly. It is very important that you remove your son from your partner’s orbit once and for all. Very sadly he could have physically hurt your son and you were not allowed to be present
I would say that you are both at high risk of harm. I am not going to ask what you get from the relationship, it doesn’t matter
You MUST contact WA urgently and agree a planned escape.
I am concerned for your safety now and in the future should you choose to remain ( big mistake)
You and your son have the chance of a safe future. Please take it

Crystalvas · 13/11/2021 15:48

OP please use the resources you have to get yourself out of there. Go back to your house. Neither you or your DC are safe there. After all you say hes got a history of violence. Get the police to escort you. The support of SS is’t that bad. It sounds as though you need support from somewhere. Hes already been abusive towards you DC. Believe me it won’t stop there and your DC will suffer.

Standstheclockattentothree · 13/11/2021 15:59

OP if you don't feel able to leave due to your current mental fragility, then you must seek urgent help to improve that and get you quickly to a frame of mind where you'll leave. Whilst this situation continues, you're suffering and your child is undoubtedly also suffering.

That might sound harsh, I've been where you are and if you aren't able to take action to improve your own life, then get whatever help you can before irreparable damage is done to your child. I'm saying this as a surviver of domestic abuse. My DC never witnessed any abuse, but still have nightmares as adults, despite us leaving when they were small children.

Original poster
Shayanne90 · 13/11/2021 16:10

How many times do I have to say my son is not going to be taken into care. Everything they have asked me to do regarding my relationships and the risk my partner posed (they were very high risk then because he was drinking heavily) I have done. I have moved out and been a single mother for 6 months and spent restricted time with my partner and he had restricted time with my son, none at all at first. I have been told I am an examplary mother who wants to protect her son and who does - what happened, which I totally understand is wrong was not something I imminently anticipated. I have made steps to keep myself and my son safe. The fact I have researched women’s aid support means I am trying. Also as I said previously unless you have been in this kind of relationship you will never truly understand the erosion of your self esteem, seeing as I am already classed as vulnerable due to health conditions, and I have always had low self esteem. I did not have a loving childhood. I’ve also experienced trauma, severe mental illness, epilepsy - so this will all individuals conflate to make me the perfect sitting duck for this kind of man. I am
not a bad person or a bad mother.

OP posts:
BruiserWoods · 13/11/2021 16:16

This sounds awful. You know you have to escape, please do reach out to women's aid. I have been in an abusive relationship and he ground me down to zero. He had this way of making me feel that I was a cold hearted bitch if I didn't over look 99% of what was a nightmare about him and give him the benefit of the doubt based on that 1% of him that had been good.

I can see now it was stockholm syndrome or something. That false feeling of owing him more and more chances! I owed him NOTHING.

Get away as soon as it's safe for you to do so and your sense of yourself will be pieced back together again slowly from then on.

Wishing you strength, courage and luck getting away.

When you have the peace to do so, you can listen to youtube clips by meredith miller and a hundred others. I've had therapy (now, I can afford it now) but back when I couldn't afford it I found a lot of comfort and guidance from various youtubers.

BruiserWoods · 13/11/2021 16:18

Ps, you're absolutely not a bad person. If you're trained to relinquish all of your boundaries and put yourself last, that doesn't make you bad. When you get away, you can work on all of these things, xx

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 13/11/2021 16:24

OP you are clearly intelligent and you have a full understanding of your vulnerabilities that a man like this would take advantage of.
You do seem though to be using that analysis though as an excuse to stay rather than the 'lightbulb moment' to leave.

What you don't seem to be grasping is that regardless of what was said to you before, there is no social worker in the land that would call you a good or capable mother right now. Your child has been and continues to be traumatised.

SS will be incredibly supportive up until the point they realise you're prioritising yourself and not your child, and they will move incredibly quickly.

Crystalvas · 13/11/2021 16:45

OP I think whats comming accross on here is that people are concerned that your child may end up in care if you don’t remove yourself snd your DC from this situation. I understand its been really tough on you and you do come accross on here as mentally fragile. Please seek support and get yourself and DC out of there. And I think you are brushing over the fact that he was abusive towards your DC after separating him from you. Can you see the urgency with this situation. You have a place to go. Whats stopping you leaving?

dreamingbohemian · 13/11/2021 17:02

Maybe you are not a bad person but you really fucked up by not calling the police the night he was drunkenly abusing your son

You said yourself you don't want to call the police because then social services will get involved again, so this is not about you being brainwashed or ground down, this is about you consciously trying to avoid social services involvement

I hope next time the neighbours call the police (because there will be a next time)

SuperSange · 13/11/2021 17:04

What you don't seem to be grasping is that regardless of what was said to you before, there is no social worker in the land that would call you a good or capable mother right now. Your child has been and continues to be traumatised.

This, I'm afraid. They've told you what to do in the past and you did it. All good. Until now. What do you think they would advise you to do now? You're not protecting your child. Parenting 101.

blissfulllife · 13/11/2021 17:04

Op I've shed a tear for you. Because I had a family member in your situation. Her child was harmed and taken from her. I won't go into the long tale of what happened but I spent a lot of time in a contact centre over several months, and we'd talk to other parents there usually mothers. Nearly every single one had failed to protect their child by continuing to be with violent, addicted, dangerous etc men. Same story over and over again. It took a whole year of court and assessments to get my family members child back with us. It was hell. You have to forget the animals and go home. Inform police if he causes any trouble. Call ss. They will not take your child away if you put him first and remove him from this awful danger. But if you don't and something terrible happens, or a neighbour alerts police to what's been going on, then you too will have failed to protect and you WILL lose your child.

evabream · 13/11/2021 17:18

As someone raised by violent alcoholics yes your son is being damaged now. You are not a bad person at all but you have your head in the sand if you think this is okay. I don’t talk to my mother now as she didn’t protect us from our violent alcoholic father. Even the nights of just hearing it have damaged me.

Please protect him and his future and your relationship with him.

EKGEMS · 13/11/2021 17:33

You are not thinking clearly and to be honest I think you are so deep in denial and fear that it'll take something like your baby drowning or nearly before you act. He was angry and drunk and very well could have killed your son either intentionally or not do you realize that?

MoodyMooTutu · 13/11/2021 17:42

@Shayanne90

How many times do I have to say my son is not going to be taken into care. Everything they have asked me to do regarding my relationships and the risk my partner posed (they were very high risk then because he was drinking heavily) I have done. I have moved out and been a single mother for 6 months and spent restricted time with my partner and he had restricted time with my son, none at all at first. I have been told I am an examplary mother who wants to protect her son and who does - what happened, which I totally understand is wrong was not something I imminently anticipated. I have made steps to keep myself and my son safe. The fact I have researched women’s aid support means I am trying. Also as I said previously unless you have been in this kind of relationship you will never truly understand the erosion of your self esteem, seeing as I am already classed as vulnerable due to health conditions, and I have always had low self esteem. I did not have a loving childhood. I’ve also experienced trauma, severe mental illness, epilepsy - so this will all individuals conflate to make me the perfect sitting duck for this kind of man. I am not a bad person or a bad mother.
I have been the child in a situation very much like this. You are not being a good mother because you are allowing your child to be abused by his dad, he is watching his mother be abused. If you can not see the damage you are causing to your child then maybe you do need child services back in your life
Swipe left for the next trending thread