What happens with mutual friends after a breakup?

[Chloeblue]

So after a breakup earlier this year, I haven't heard from mutual friends from an activity myself and my other half did with this group. I miss the people and am also avoiding places we all used to go and am feeling down about it today. I know it's probably normal when a couple break up?

Friends took sides when we split but it was a really nasty split.
We had 3 pairs of close friends we used to see often for nights out, parties, Christmas. 1 pair sided with ExH, 2 pairs sided with me and I'm still in contact them. They can't get over what ExH has done and they cut all contact with him.
It all happened naturally.
Did you try to reach out to them? They, similarly to you, may be unsure what to do.

A bit of a mix. My ex did something which some know about, the rest I guess assumed it was 'just' a separation and possibly judge me for it. Some have barely been in touch and it's a bit disappointing.

And some friends, who are newer friends, have been absolute legends. Taken me out, heard me out, had my back, checked on me.

It's a funny thing. A bit sad too.

They tend to drop the woman.
A lone single woman is sometimes seen as a threat.

Friends which were his are still his friends.. Not sure how that's surprising?

Our mutual friends have stuck by me, they still see him on occasion but I'm the one who sees them weekly, goes on holiday with them etc.

Since splitting with exh 6+ years ago, I am only ever included in female-only settings (girls’ nights out, coffee, walks), and have only once in all those years been invited to someone’s home for a dinner that included men/husbands. I’ve been relegated! I’ve lost all confidence in being around men because of this, as I’m completely out of practice. It seems I’m no longer suitable company to be amongst couples.

Most of our mutual friends, who were actually all actually friends I made, took the time to nurture and support and who he barely bothered with, took his side. Even though he got together with one of them mid split with me. I view friendship very differently now.

I think it was pretty much like the separation of assets, especially after they start taking sides or bringing you gossip you don’t want to hear.

So each keeps the friends who are closer to you, many do not pass this filter so they disappear from your life, having said that you may find out that many people you thought were acquaintances are actually real supportive friends under disguise.

… or it may be that they don’t how to approach you or if it would be a good time so it may be a good idea to try to contact them before you decide they are cutting you off, they may not be in touch with your ex either.

Has anyone else experienced the male/female divide like I have? It means after years of having a wide pool of friends, I now have zero men in my life, and I am tired of the ‘girls night out’ vibe which provides very little scope for me to interact normally with men.

I disagree about friends automatically dropping the woman - I think it’s normally the other way - the woman is normally the social one/organizer etc. and gets included - but of course my experience could be unusual.

Most people naturally shift towards who they saw most / liked best. However, divorce is awkward for people - the don’t know who is upset and who is a bastard or being unreasonable and they will try to be neutral. My advice would be to contact anyone you value / like and invite for coffee or a drink. Make it clear you see them as a friend and want the friendship to continue

They were all my friends from years ago. They are still my friends. They don't contact her.

@SarahDippity

Has anyone else experienced the male/female divide like I have? It means after years of having a wide pool of friends, I now have zero men in my life, and I am tired of the ‘girls night out’ vibe which provides very little scope for me to interact normally with men.

Definitively, but I think it is pretty much because after the split, it was mostly other single mums, friends with less needy husbands or those with grown up kids, the ones that had more availability or understanding of my new life, needs and constraints.

@SarahDippity the friends I kept are all men, and one female.

And yes, there are some people that when they meet in couples they prefer not to have one odd out, I don’t think this is due to women insecurity, they just don’t know what to do with you. Some married men think they shouldn’t talk as much to a single woman, much less so in front of the their wives. Some women may resent you as a single woman talking to their men, especially if they think you are more pretty, intelligent or interesting than them. I found the putty annoying as well, I had a couple who took me out to the zoo and for an ice cream after I split with a boyfriend, WTAF??

Pity, not putty, obviously.

The thing is, I value all the friendships I have, and am grateful for them, so I’m not throwing shade on my very supportive women friends, but I’m clearly too awkward a category of friend for (attached) men, so am cast into an odd space that makes me feel awkward too.

Years ago an ex finished with me and got together with one of my best friends. They went public within a couple of weeks of us splitting up, pretty sure it was going on before as well.

Obviously that put all my, and my friend's, other friends in an awkward position (my ex was only friends with them though me), but they decided to remain neutral (fair enough). But I found it untenable being in group situations together with my ex and best friend carrying on all loved up. So I distanced myself from the whole group and lost one of the closest friendship groups I've ever had.

Depends on the friend, I got divorced a few years ago and all of our couple friends disappeared, they didn't want a single person friend dynamic so didn't stay in touch with either of us.
Most of my friends are single older people now.

My husband left for another woman. Within weeks, two of my oldest friends - and they were my friends rather than his - invited him and her to dinner and they now have regular couples nights out. I guess it was partly them being nosey, but also I didn’t fit as a newly single woman and a single mum. They didn’t ever invite me over. It was incredibly hurtful but you learn who your real friends are. My entire social life is now based on other single mum friends or women who want a night out away from their husbands. I just miss the company of men.

When I split with the boyfriend I'd been with most of uni, he ended up with nearly all the friends. This was despite it being fairly amicable (I did get together with someone else quite quickly and we're still together).

Oops posted before I finished. I kind of knew that would happen as he was very charismatic and funny and I'm an introvert. I just didn't have the same "currency ". Also rather unusually the males in the group tended to be the social organisers. I did make a lot of effort to keep the friendships going but gave up in the end.

Having said that one friend really did make the effort to remain friends with us both and we are still good friends nearly 30 years later.

In my experience they dropped me instantly, didn't even check how I was after his infidelity and lies and abandoning me on the first day of lockdown with our children. Never heard from them once. Delightful.

In my case there were a few couples in the group but mainly single friends. We met doing this hobby and I haven't returned, which I'm sad about at the moment. I've had minimal contact from a couple of them.

And it was him that ended things coldly with me. It just feels unfair.