How likely is this?

[Parkingsign]

Would like to know how likely it would be for a man to fabricate a story about having sex with sex workers as a cover for having an actual affair?

Unlikely, unless he thinks you would be more forgiving of lots of meaningless ball emptying than the emotional ramifications of an actual affair... Neither is good, tbh.

It depends whether you've ever told him you could forgive him if it was 'just' sex as opposed to any emotion being involved.

@girlmom21

It depends whether you've ever told him you could forgive him if it was 'just' sex as opposed to any emotion being involved.

This I suppose. For me both are as bad as each other but for different reasons

I do know someone who told his wife that on a stag do they got "carried away" and paid for sex workers, when in reality it was a one night stand. I couldn't understand it as both are equally as bad. It did work though as the wife justified it like PP said as "lads getting carried away, just purely sex, no connection"

So It wouldnt surprise me.

I don’t see the difference really.

Well. He said that he thinks an affair is a lot worse and that he would never have had an affair and then started crying.
I've never told him I would forgive him if it was 'just' sex - that conversation has never come up. I am, however, liberal-minded (but obviously not to the extent of being ok with my husband visiting sex workers).

@GoodnightGrandma

I don’t see the difference really.

The difference is profound if you are in the position of the betrayed partner. The difference is the truth.

I think i would rather he had an affair than frequented sex workers but both would be game over for me

It wouldn’t make a difference for me. His penis shouldn’t go in someone else paid or unpaid.

He said that he thinks an affair is a lot worse

There's your answer. He thinks one is worse than the other so has told you the lesser of two evils in his mind.

So which would be ok , sex worker or affair ?

I suppose what I'm getting at is not so much his or my attitude to affairs vs sex workers but more about perhaps the identity of the person involved or the location of person involved. Something that would make him think it extraordinarily difficult for me to forgive.

Actually I would rather he didn’t pay for it because it’s most definitely planned, he had to arrange it.

@Parkingsign

I suppose what I'm getting at is not so much his or my attitude to affairs vs sex workers but more about perhaps the identity of the person involved or the location of person involved. Something that would make him think it extraordinarily difficult for me to forgive.

Is your real concern whether he brought someone into your home?

Do you know the suspected OW?

The problem here is that some arbitrary rule around what is forgivable has been proclaimed and so obviously he will claim he has only done the forgivable thing.

I disagree that 'the truth makes much odds. He's lied to you, cheated on you and you don't find you can forgive.

If he has told me the lesser of two evils, he has had to face incredible shame in telling his family and me telling our adult children. Surely nobody would put themselves through that when admitting to an affair is much more commonplace?

Having sex with prostitutes is worse. He is an extraordinarily stupid man if he thinks that it could be some kind of mitigation.

@Parkingsign but he's told you that he believes an affair is much worse.

Either way you'd have made him admit his
'truth' presumably?

I'm unsure why you would care tbh. Do you want to know he's just a cheat? That he cheated with sex workers (and is now crying about it).

Or that he's both a liar and a cheat - because in actuality he has had an affair with someone and didn't pay for it?

I can't get my head around it. I'd launch him out the door in either case, and I don't need the sordid details of who he's shagged and whether it was free, frankly.

He is the only person that can tell you the truth - and he's a liar either way, isn't he? He's betrayed you very badly and so how can you ever honestly believe what he says?

In my opinion men who “use” prostitutes are essentially paying to rape women. It’s part of the spectrum of violence against women. So much worse.

Would it really make a difference @Parkingsign?

Either way he’s cheated so it’s game over right?

I think this is an issue around transparency. You can’t heal with so many unanswered questions. You clearly have many and feel you’re not getting the whole truth, most likely no with a cheat.

Have you access to his devices/social media to look? Can you recover any messages and call logs etc? He needs to offer everything to allow you to have the truth. Once you feel you have that you’ll know what you’re trying to recover from and then you can make a decision as to whether you want to save your marriage, if you haven’t already.

If you’re on the fence atm a good book for you both to read is ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ which talks about the need for full transparency.

How is it the lesser of two evils? What difference would it make anyway? If he's had sex with someone else does it matter if it was in exchange for money or for free? He still cheated and the outcome is still the same. Unless of course your self esteem is that damaged you'd be happy to carry on if it was a hooker but not if it was some old Floozie down the pub for free.