Help me identify the non toxic men/most suitable men from these?

[DatingWhatD]

Online dating. I’ve been in horrible relationships in the past but I’ve had a lot of therapy. My general issue is that anyone too nice or too available makes me feel uneasy. I’m trying my best to stop this. I want a settled relationship with a future.

So here I am, trying to work on want I’ve learnt. Not met any yet. I know there’s not much to go off but I really want to be carful about who I start to engage with more as I really really don’t want to get involved with someone where the red flag/unsuitability was there at the start.

1. Man is very nice, keeps in touch and was understanding that I had to cancel our first two meet ups as I was unwell. No hounding of messages but just pleasant asking if I was ok. Has a good job and lives an hour away, seems close to family. Not sure I am attracted to him and he’s a bit smaller which would usually put me off.

1. Second one has lots of banter and really enjoy the chats but he recently said his last two partners were 25 and he’s 44. Should I be concerned? I don’t know. He has a good job and seems stable from that perspective, not mentioned family much.

1. Nice chap who I clicked with massively, was very chatty but talking about travelling a lot and wanting to move abroad. I don’t want to do much more travelling or moving abroad but I do like him.

1. Man who responds quickly and is very interested to meet, offered to drive over to me (around an hour away). Stable job, seems close to family. Vaguely attracted to the photos but not hugely.

1. Man who messages a lot and very polite but hasn’t yet had time to arrange a date. I suggested one a few weeks back and he gave a vague counter suggestion as he couldn’t make the day I had said. He’s apparently very keen to settle down (his own words) so I was attracted to that, but then find it strange he’s not made the effort to meet in four weeks (we are half an hour apart).

Any help would be great.

I would arrange coffee with the four who sound okay ASAP so that you can see what they are like face to face. Forget number 2 that sounds grim.

I'd give number 2 a swerve and maybe number 3 as you want different things

In my (extensive) OLD experience you don't have enough information about any of them to make a decision. Any one of the details you've provided could be different in reality one, two or three dates in. Go in with an open mind and have very low expectations. Aim to meet new people, if something comes of it then great, if not then you've just met some new people.

The sensible money is on 1, but I'd be more drawn to 3 but I don't make wise decisions! I wouldn't touch 2 with a bargepole. At my age I've no interest in men who want younger women, especially when they tell me about it! 5 doesn't sound as keen as I'd want. 4 sounds like he could be fairly interchangeable with 1, but you know 1 better, so might as well give that a go first.

You haven’t met any of these men yet? You can’t tell anything about them from some messages, anyone can be anybody online. It’s good that you’re trying not to make the same mistakes you’ve made with relationships before, but it’s also a mistake to over-analyse this early on.

I’d wish the man who wants to travel a lot and move abroad well and say it’s clear you want different things. Man who isn’t interested in actually meeting, the same. Try and arrange actual dates with the other three.

5 could be bullshitting. He’s saying he wants to settle down to woo you and to get you to sleep with him. Cynical here!

I’d meet them all and have fun. It’s best watch for red flags in person.

1: Good call, don't judge him on his height, arrange a date
2: A 44 year old man who has lots in common with a 25 year old? Really? Once maybe but twice? Bin him.
3: Heartache down the line as your lifestyles will clash. Bin.
4: Great, meet him. Photos dont capture charisma.
5: Possible commitment phobe but intriguing, be open but careful with your heart and meet him

Going through this myself. Although you can get a good sense of a person chatting online I’d suggest a chat on the phone if unsure before meeting up. I’ve found this has helped, especially where distance is involved.

What do you class as banter? It has become code for racism, offensive speech, and abuse. Can you clarify what you mean?

The ones who say they want to settle down are often the ones who are flaky af.

Don't dismiss the short guy; I married a shorter one and it would have been a match made in heaven if he hadn't turned out to be asexual. We are still friends now.

I'd be a disappointment to the traveller because I'm a chained down ex travel the world fanatic. Let him go. It's possible he says these things to sound more interesting but you don't know that and there would probably be resentment down the line.

I had a ltr with the early forties guy who had been dating very late teens and early twenties, I was late twenties but still too young for him; didn't see the red flags til it was too late. Chuck and block.

@CouldThisReallyBe

In my (extensive) OLD experience you don't have enough information about any of them to make a decision. Any one of the details you've provided could be different in reality one, two or three dates in. Go in with an open mind and have very low expectations. Aim to meet new people, if something comes of it then great, if not then you've just met some new people.

^ This

Life/dating simply isn't that linear/predictable.

You're never going to see what someone is truly like until you've known them in person awhile.
All of them will tell you what you want to hear in the beginning so assume they're lying until their actions say different.

Meet with the others a see how it goes.
Keep talking to additional ones too.
You'll know when one isn't a match and you can politely not accept anymore dates from him.

Then continue to get to know the others. Add a new one to meet and get to know.
Repeat.
Eventually one will truly stand out to you and it'll be mutual.

Definitely give #2 a miss.

1. If you've had to cancel on 1 twice then I'd think you might have put his nose out of joint, even if he has acted gracious about it so I'm not sure that's a good bet.You've set the precedent that cancelling is OK. Though I suppose there no harm in meeting and seeing how you feel.

1. Eww.

1. Potential as a hot fling or short term thing but may not being term material if you both want different things from life. I suppose it depends what extent he wishes to travel.

1. When you say, 'offers to drive to me' you don't mean your house right? Because if so then thans creepy as fuck. But if you just mean your area then fine. But...an hours drive away isn't ideal for dating. Do you both drive? I think this might be q non starter due to distance but you neve know. It doesn't sound like there's much of a sperk there though...?

1. Future faker and time waster. Avoid avoid. Chances are he is only on online dating for the ego stroke.

How annoying that none of them sound like brilliant bets tbh. But I'd maybe meet 1, 3 and 4.

Sorry to clarify I’ve had a phone call with each of them.

Usually I would be very drawn to 2 because of the banter , I wouldn’t ever have liked the dating 25 year old thing but I would have overlooked it. I’m glad I’ve got people saying this as I feel therapy might be working a bit.

The travelling one I did like but practically it would be silly. I need to remove from the messages before I get tied into it.

5 I have a weird feeling about. He’s messaged me twice when out drinking after work. Nothing wrong with that but I’m hoping for more 70% slippers 30% stilettos!

I agree the other two a good bets, they just feel very normal. Nice to chat with and both were really lovely when I was unwell, checked in and so on which I thought was nice.

Those saying meet them all - I can’t handle doing that again. I used to just meet anyone and everyone if I had any sense of liking them. I don’t want to do that anymore. I also think it’s not great to have more than a couple on the go at the same time.

Go out with all of them and see if you like them, honestly. There’s only so much pre screening that you can do via the app.

Apart from #2. Please bin #2.

Finding someone who is good for you isn't about a checklist that people can advise you on. Meet whoever you feel like meeting, and stay aware of and responsive to your emotions. It's not about whether somebody is 'a good idea' or 'advisable', it's about how you feel. It's internal to you. If you're looking for external validation on which man to pick, how are you going to make decisions within the relationship? Is MN going to run it for you?

Keep in mind that feelings aren't something that has to be got in order so that you can have a good relationship. Feelings are signposts. If you spend time with somebody, and you feel confused about whether they're good for you, they're not good for you. That's it. It's that simple. Keep all your first dates in public places, and meet anybody you think might float your boat. When you meet the right guy, all your lights will turn green, there'll be a stupid smile on your face, and you'll be super excited about the next date.

Any of these guys could be him. A red flag produces a feeling. We all know the feeling, and we all get it when we're in the presence of toxic company and toxic behaviour. Those of us who get into/stay in abusive relationships are the ones who don't know that that feeling is a signpost. We try to ignore it, push it aside, weigh it against the good things about him/her... but the bottom line is, when you get that feeling, you leave. If you know that, you don't need to fear getting involved with bad people any more. You can step up to new dates with confidence, and a 'Hurt me once and you're out the door!' attitude. Have your own back. Only chase happiness. Take responsibility for your emotions, and follow their lead.

Sounds like 5 wants a hook up.

Of course 2 is charismatic, sleezeballs often are. Banter...ick. Run lol.

Those saying meet them all - I can’t handle doing that again. I used to just meet anyone and everyone if I had any sense of liking them. I don’t want to do that anymore. I also think it’s not great to have more than a couple on the go at the same time

Why can't you handle it? If you're that exhausted about the idea of meeting a bunch of people for a quick coffee, how do you expect to have the time and energy for a new and exciting relationship?

Meeting for a date isn't having someone 'on the go'. It's a coffee. It takes 20 minutes, unless you really like them and want it to take longer. You could have a date a day for 5 days, and work your way through this little lot. If the second one you meet ends up being amazing and you want to see him again, cancel on the subsequent ones.

Sorry, cross posted with you.

I think the issue here might be one mindset. Initial meet-ups are not ‘dating’ or having people ‘on the go’, they are essentially a screening exercise to see if you want to see someone again and possibly start dating them.

I don’t think any of of us mean for you to go on multiple dates with all these men, just meet them for a coffee and decide who you want to see again. It’ll probably just be one or two, as it’s unlikely all four men will be great in person. It might even be none of them, to be honest. And that’s okay.

The issue might be one of mindset, I mean.

I'd look to meet 1 and 4 and see where it goes. 2 sounds a bit sad and ridiculous, 3 seems potentially incompatible with you and 5 sounds like he hasn't got time for a relationship.

@DatingWhatD

Sorry to clarify I’ve had a phone call with each of them.

Usually I would be very drawn to 2 because of the banter , I wouldn’t ever have liked the dating 25 year old thing but I would have overlooked it. I’m glad I’ve got people saying this as I feel therapy might be working a bit.

The travelling one I did like but practically it would be silly. I need to remove from the messages before I get tied into it.

5 I have a weird feeling about. He’s messaged me twice when out drinking after work. Nothing wrong with that but I’m hoping for more 70% slippers 30% stilettos!

I agree the other two a good bets, they just feel very normal. Nice to chat with and both were really lovely when I was unwell, checked in and so on which I thought was nice.

Those saying meet them all - I can’t handle doing that again. I used to just meet anyone and everyone if I had any sense of liking them. I don’t want to do that anymore. I also think it’s not great to have more than a couple on the go at the same time.

You've already decided: there are two that you think are good bets. Why are you still factoring the others in? Respect your emotional responses.

I imagine OP is factoring in the ones who are not good bets because, as so often is the way, they are actually more attractive in one way or another (looks, charm) than the safer options.

Any chance you could video call them all if you haven't yet and feel up to it? It could give you a better idea of how they are although I know many people would not be their usual selves on video. Personally with the info given, in order of fastest binning, #2, #3 and #5

Honestly? You don't sound that fussed about any of them to me.

I'd definitely be swerving

1 -- pretty clear neither of you are that into it
2 -- Bantersaurus Rex
3 -- moving abroad, you don't want to move abroad, that's a values clash

4 sounds alright but only alright, and you're not fussed about what he looks like so you're starting from the bottom of a hill there. 5 sounds OK but you've got flags going up.

Really, I'd keep looking.