Dating a guy much wealthier/higher earner

[lovingnewme]

I was wondering how does everyone who's single but dating handle dates with guys who are (based on where they live/the property they own/career they have) much wealthier than they are?

I'm not talking stupidly wealthier, but very comfortable and wanting/expecting to go to much more expensive places than I would regularly go to?

I am comfortable too, but in a very modest way, and I have a lovely job (which pays jackshit) and no pension. So although I am happy to splash the cash occasionally, I don't really want to spend loads of money dating - especially if it fizzes out after a couple of months.

Obviously in longer term dating situations you stay in more and can discuss these sort of things etc.

I would love to hear from other singles how they manage this situation?

DP earned about double what I did when we first met. He would pick up the tab for any ‘proper’ dates like dinner and Cinema, and I would get coffee or breakfast etc

When it came to going away for holidays or weekends he’d get the hotel and I’d plan to pay for an excursion or get the taxi to the airport/parking, but often ended up also getting dinners or paying for hire car etc

I tried to pay my way but I got into a bit of debt trying to live beyond my means.

These days he earns 3 x what I do so I’ve stopped trying to keep up. As an example we went out for dinner last night, it was £70. I didn’t even offer to go halves! But I did pick up so desserts from the supermarket afterwards for £15.

I think the bigger issue comes later when he has an amazing pension and I don’t, when he is still coasting on his six figure salary and retiring early but I have to work until I’m 70. I’d like to think we’d get married and share things a bit more equally by that point, but he doesn’t seem keen! We both have DCs from previous relationships so his priority is providing for them not me. I feel a huge pressure to try and up my earning game in order to equalise us a bit, or I will spend the rest of my life feeling like a charity case!

I think it can be a tricky dynamic because money = power.

Sorry from a dating perspective, it was lucky because he’s quite traditional so was happy to pay - insisted on it for our first date (which some might see as a red flag, but I was happy about!) I think you’ll get a good idea of how comfortable you both are with the dynamic before you get too far down the road.

ther person who earns less trumps the person who earns more in terms of where you go for your dates. you need to just be clear ... i can't do x, it will bankrupt me.. why dont' we do y instead . Take control .. see what happens. its absolutely hopeless trying to keep up - you will bankrupt yourself and not be happy.
if they walk, it wasnt ever gonna get far and best knowing before you get into debt :)

I've been on both sides of this equation. When I was a poor student and the guy I was seeing was working we'd do things like I'd buy a pre-dinner drink and he'd buy dinner. As the higher earner I was just mindful of not doing stuff that was expensive. I don't have particularly extravagant tastes anyway.

I agree with saying can’t afford X, less do Y instead. See how it goes.

Just be honest with him. Don't go into debt dating and don't over compensate in other ways if he's paying.

I always just let him pay, to be honest. We like nice things, the patriarchy exists, so he earns considerably more and that’s life.

I feel absolutely no need to go Dutch on dates. Women bear considerably more financial cost in terms of editing their appearance to suit cultural norms, we also carry the majority of the emotional and mental load in relationships. Until this is addressed (on a societal, as opposed to individual level), they can bloody well pay for dinner. I said pretty much those exact words to DH fairly early on and he understood. So, I married him.

@RaisedByPangolins

DP earned about double what I did when we first met. He would pick up the tab for any ‘proper’ dates like dinner and Cinema, and I would get coffee or breakfast etc

When it came to going away for holidays or weekends he’d get the hotel and I’d plan to pay for an excursion or get the taxi to the airport/parking, but often ended up also getting dinners or paying for hire car etc

I tried to pay my way but I got into a bit of debt trying to live beyond my means.

These days he earns 3 x what I do so I’ve stopped trying to keep up. As an example we went out for dinner last night, it was £70. I didn’t even offer to go halves! But I did pick up so desserts from the supermarket afterwards for £15.

I think the bigger issue comes later when he has an amazing pension and I don’t, when he is still coasting on his six figure salary and retiring early but I have to work until I’m 70. I’d like to think we’d get married and share things a bit more equally by that point, but he doesn’t seem keen! We both have DCs from previous relationships so his priority is providing for them not me. I feel a huge pressure to try and up my earning game in order to equalise us a bit, or I will spend the rest of my life feeling like a charity case!

I think it can be a tricky dynamic because money = power.

Spot on.

I still get this now. He’s a generous husband. He doesn’t appreciate that going out or on holidays feel very one sided if he pays for everything but break me financially if I chip in. I just wouldn’t go away until I’d saved enough to afford it and I wouldn’t go out for a meal as often as we do.

I had this he earns 100k more than me(at least), his monthly mortgage payment is more than I get paid a month. We meet for coffee and he always pays. We went to the cinema recently, he drove and bought the drinks, I bought the tickets. I felt so happy when I actually paid for something though, I didn't like the idea that he might think I expect him to pay for everything.

My DP earned about 5x as much as me when we first met. He knew that though (we worked for the same company) and was fine about it. If he wanted to go on an expensive date/holiday it would be his “treat” but he was more than happy to go out for a pizza & a beer when I paid (he was horrified by the all you can eat Chinese buffet though Thankfully, it was just never an issue - he knew I couldn’t spend what I didn’t have and would never have expected me to get into debt. We moved in together after about 6 months and got a joint bank account, so problem solved - it all became “our” money. I get where you are coming from though, because at times, I felt uncomfortable about it, even if he didn’t and in terms of my own personal spending, I still stuck to “my” salary. So I made it my mission to earn more to make things more equal, which worked out great. I think I was lucky because he was just totally relaxed about it

You need to be honest and just say I can’t afford that, let’s do x instead. If you don’t tell someone they can’t guess. If they know ans pressurise you then bin them,

They pay most of the time, and generally like to. No higher earning man would WANT the woman he is dating to pay, so stop the pleas of going dutch and and get used to saying ‘thank you so much! That was the best meal I had in a long time!’ or ‘Thank you for taking me here, it was so lovely!’

If you are going out for coffee, or getting brunch, or booking a couple of cinema tickets and you’ve been a few dates- picking up the bill for that is fine.

He’s a much higher earner and we generally do inexpensive dates as i’d not feel comfortable with him paying for fancy restaurants and expensive days out all the time. However, if it is a case of going somewhere more pricey like a fancier restaurant, generally he’ll pick up the tab and i’ll reciprocate by cooking a lovely homemade meal which he is always very happy and grateful for.

I never feel pressured to spend more and tbh even though he’s a higher earner fancy restaurants and pricey dates are neither of our thing - we much prefer a walk somewhere lovely and a nice lunch somewhere for example.

Do you feel pressured to keep up with this man or are you just worried about how to broach differences in income and date expectations? Is he regularly suggesting expensive places to go or is this your worry?

"I think it can be a tricky dynamic because money = power" well said @RaisedByPangolians

I had a relationship where the there was a rather large financial discrepancy. At the end of the day, all was well as long as he agreed he had the final word ultimately so I never knew where I stood, and I couldn't manage my life on someone else's whim - especially when it came to thinking about where to buy a property. We were late 20s early 30s so no ties at that point ,but it opened my eyes to the inequality in the relationship. Nowadays, if I were to date again, being similar earners (earning potential) would be a factor in my decision whether to carry on in the relationship or not.

@Owambe2021

I always just let him pay, to be honest. We like nice things, the patriarchy exists, so he earns considerably more and that’s life.

I feel absolutely no need to go Dutch on dates. Women bear considerably more financial cost in terms of editing their appearance to suit cultural norms, we also carry the majority of the emotional and mental load in relationships. Until this is addressed (on a societal, as opposed to individual level), they can bloody well pay for dinner. I said pretty much those exact words to DH fairly early on and he understood. So, I married him.

That's ridiculous. He earns more because he has a better job, not because he's a man. All of what you're saying about women do this that and the other, so men can pay for dinner is also your way of thinking society works, not essential at all.

OP just needs to be honest and say 'I can't afford to that' and suggest some cheaper alternatives. Go for a walk, have a picnic (ok, maybe not at this time of year!). If he's decent bloke he'll either reply saying 'it's fine I'm paying', or he'll be totally ok to do something cheaper that you're comfortable contributing towards the cost of.

When I started to feel bad as he paid all the time, I offered to cook him dinner (we're still to find a suitable time) it was my way of evening it out.

I find the idea that as a man he should pay because I spend more money trying to look good or do more emotional stuff, sexist and patronising. He earns more because he does a different job, if I did his job I'd be earning the same as him but I'm not trained to do his job and he would probably be rubbish at my job.

DH used to pay for all dates like restaurants etc, and holidays later. I'd often organise nights out with free tickets (am on a mailing list with lots of freebie theatre/cinema tickets) or gallery private views. I've never had to say to him that I couldn't afford to pay for expensive things, he was sensitive enough to get that (I was a single mum and a student at the time so pretty obvious, he's on six figures). We combined money when we got married and lived together, but not before then.

Dh used to earn much more than me when we first got together. I struggled with him paying for most things/treats and thought there was a big power balance problem. No one had ever treated me nicely before and I was suspicious.

Turns out that he’s just as lovely now that I out earn him. Hence marrying him!

But you're married o all money belongs to both. When we married first my dhbhad a much higher income so he paid for lots. I never let bad and he never paid much attention to it. Later he suffered a serious illness so earning power went down but my career had improved so l started paying for things. This year we went on a 2 week holiday and l paid for everything like flights hotels etc. He paid for eating out. No problem as it's all OUR money. I wouldn't waste any energy or miss out on anything because of it.
Op l would make sure to stay within my means at this stage but if he insist on paying..why not!! As long as no strings attached.

@altmember

• Men have better jobs at better pay than women. The gender pay gap exists. This doesn’t mean that all men earn more than all women. Exceptions certainly exist, but they do not change societal trends.

• In the long term, in majority of heterosexual relationships, the female partner will take a hit to her career prospects and earning capacity when she has and is the primary caregiver for any children.

• There are numerous billion (insert currency) industries that are literally built on societal expectations of female appearance. They thrive because the average woman is expected (in some instances actually required) to expend considerably more time, effort and money on her appearance than the average man.

This is the society we live in, not ‘my way if thinking’. These are inarguable facts. If you choose to opt out, that’s fabulous for you, but the majority of people do not. So, yes, both my DH and I think the man (who is statistically more likely to be the higher earner) should pay.

Some people want to ignore structural gender inequalities and the fact that women in most societies aren’t starting on an ‘equal’ footing with their male counterparts from any perspective and instead home in on the surface equality of ‘I pay X, he pays Y, we’re equal!’ Personally, I think that is what’s ridiculous.

@junebirthdaygirl

But you're married o all money belongs to both. When we married first my dhbhad a much higher income so he paid for lots. I never let bad and he never paid much attention to it. Later he suffered a serious illness so earning power went down but my career had improved so l started paying for things. This year we went on a 2 week holiday and l paid for everything like flights hotels etc. He paid for eating out. No problem as it's all OUR money. I wouldn't waste any energy or miss out on anything because of it. Op l would make sure to stay within my means at this stage but if he insist on paying..why not!! As long as no strings attached.

If that’s to me, it’s not quite the case. We run two households despite being married. So are income and expenditures are still largely separate. There’s the financial security of “if anything happened” we would both have each other and he’ll happily help if it’s paying towards major bills. If I want to spend my money on clothes and him on gym membership there’s no accounting for each other’s finances.

Not me but my closest friend dated the eldest daughter of a multi billionaire for a year.
She was lovely but it was never going to work as her lifestyle was completely different, ie from june to sept she would disappear to the various family houses dotted around Europe or bugger off to new york for a month.
In order to see her he would have basically had to give up work and followed her around.

Slightly extreme but wealth mismatch can be tricky

@Owambe2021

I always just let him pay, to be honest. We like nice things, the patriarchy exists, so he earns considerably more and that’s life.

I feel absolutely no need to go Dutch on dates. Women bear considerably more financial cost in terms of editing their appearance to suit cultural norms, we also carry the majority of the emotional and mental load in relationships. Until this is addressed (on a societal, as opposed to individual level), they can bloody well pay for dinner. I said pretty much those exact words to DH fairly early on and he understood. So, I married him.

Love this @Owambe2021

[quote Owambe2021]@altmember

• Men have better jobs at better pay than women. The gender pay gap exists. This doesn’t mean that all men earn more than all women. Exceptions certainly exist, but they do not change societal trends.

• In the long term, in majority of heterosexual relationships, the female partner will take a hit to her career prospects and earning capacity when she has and is the primary caregiver for any children.

• There are numerous billion (insert currency) industries that are literally built on societal expectations of female appearance. They thrive because the average woman is expected (in some instances actually required) to expend considerably more time, effort and money on her appearance than the average man.

This is the society we live in, not ‘my way if thinking’. These are inarguable facts. If you choose to opt out, that’s fabulous for you, but the majority of people do not. So, yes, both my DH and I think the man (who is statistically more likely to be the higher earner) should pay.

Some people want to ignore structural gender inequalities and the fact that women in most societies aren’t starting on an ‘equal’ footing with their male counterparts from any perspective and instead home in on the surface equality of ‘I pay X, he pays Y, we’re equal!’ Personally, I think that is what’s ridiculous.[/quote]
Absolutely.

It’s absolutely insane to see women bending over backward for 50/50 🤡 for non-romantic, lazy men because ‘we are equal!’

Those men also demand 50/50 when the woman is on maternity leave and when patriarchy allows them to outearn the woman due to their girlfriend holding down the fort at home.

So accept the bloody dinner whilst you are dating. Learn to say ‘thanks for treating me’. A man who is actually worth tying yourself to emotionally and financially will be happy to take a woman he likes out for a nice meal.

@Owambe2021 myself, my sister, 3 of my SILs and assorted female friends earn more than our male DPs/ male spouses.

In the case of lot of us we out earned them before starting to date them.

OP the crux is having other skills plus qualities the other person likes.

One of that qualities is being able to deal with earning mismatch that includes being creative e.g. getting free/cheap tickets to places/events the other person wouldn't have thought off so you save money on dates.