Dating a guy much wealthier/higher earner

[lovingnewme]

I was wondering how does everyone who's single but dating handle dates with guys who are (based on where they live/the property they own/career they have) much wealthier than they are?

I'm not talking stupidly wealthier, but very comfortable and wanting/expecting to go to much more expensive places than I would regularly go to?

I am comfortable too, but in a very modest way, and I have a lovely job (which pays jackshit) and no pension. So although I am happy to splash the cash occasionally, I don't really want to spend loads of money dating - especially if it fizzes out after a couple of months.

Obviously in longer term dating situations you stay in more and can discuss these sort of things etc.

I would love to hear from other singles how they manage this situation?

Be upfront. DH has always outearned me. Initially double- student v training contract. Now about 15x. I’ve always done the jobs he didn’t have time for so driving cooking childcare gardening etc. The only problem is you have competing resource demands- your dc, be careful not to prioritise his needs over their’s.

I went out with a lady who earned much more than I did. She was happy to pay for the big stuff. I got the coffee's, taxis and lunches.

One word of warning. I have a dear old friend who when we go out I pay for everything. It's an unwritten rule now. She's never had much money. Life's a bit of a struggle for her financially.

Recently she's been telling me "your not having that cheesecake it's too expensive". Although I'm offering to share it with her. "You are not paying £3 for a coffee, I will make one when we get back". Although I want one and am happy to pay for two coffees.

It's really pissing me off. Please don't fall into this trap because you think you are doing him a favour and feel guilty.

I was in this situation and although ok for a while, it became a point of resentment on his part after we had dcs, he insisted we relocate for his job (away from my established job) and I became a sahm in a new area with 2 under 3's.

He then decided he wanted me to work a min wage job and put the dcs in childcare which would have vastly outweighed any of my earnings just to prove the point that I was willing to work. I was willing, but didn't feel it was the best thing for the dcs.

We eventually divorced, I returned to work as a single parent once the dcs started school, progressed, qualified professionally and now earn a decent salary, within a mere £2k of my partner's. all feels far more equitable,

I'm early days into this situation. And putting aside the gender argument. He significantly out earns me. I've no idea by how much but I know his life style is far more lavish than mine.

He acknowledges the gender divide. I have children etc and that is part of why I'm on a smaller income. I also work for a charity.

He is kind thoughtful and generous. I pay for what I can afford. Cinema tickets. A round of drinks. Pizza. I also don't go out with the expectation of being paid for. Although gracefully appreciate his generosity when he refuses my contribution.

I think it is when the party not paying expects lavish things with no give. Resentment builds.

And although we don't know each other well enough to discuss money. Our life styles are different and we both acknowledge that.

Thanks for all the replies.

It's very early days and actually I think we individually have the same attitude towards money and spending, which I think is really important.

I'm not planning on having children with anyone (I don't have any existing children either) nor marrying again, so I'm not worried about long term - more the initial dating stage.

@RedWingBoots That’s great, but I covered that in the very first bullet of the post to which you appear to be replying. Yes, some women earn more than their male partners. The vast majority do not.

Unless you’re disagreeing with the fact that the vast majority do not (in which case, I’m happy to provide actual stats, if you’re interested), then nothing you’ve said impacts on my points and I’m not sure why you’re telling me.

@Suprima Precisely.

I think how easy this is depends partly on why there is a mismatch. Eg I'm much better off than boyfriend, and I respect the fact that he works hard, but he's in a job where he's never going to make loads. We have similar attitudes to money in many ways. But sometimes I want to go out to fancy restaurants or on great holidays, and it's more fun doing it with him, so it just seems sensible for me to pay for those things. He doesn't want me to spend excessively and is clearly not at all grabby, so it doesn't feel like a problem. In fact, because he's focused on living frugally, he often comes up with suggestions for how I can cut costs in everyday life, and may well save me more than I pay out! I don't book top-notch places, though I could afford to, because I don't need that and I'm aware it could make him more uncomfortable. He takes me out too and makes me meals, but I do choose more carefully if he's paying. It puts it in perspective to think in terms of how long each person has to work to pay for a meal.

However, my friend's partner earns much less than her because he chose an alternative lifestyle and left a decent job to be theoretically self-employed, though he rarely works. He still wants material things though, has quite expensive tastes in some respects, and expects her to pay for them.

I think you just need to be frank about things and not be embarrassed to talk about money because let's face it, there's no future in the relationship if you can't. If he's decent, he'll respect the fact that you live within your means. "It's my treat this time. I can't afford to take you to The Ritz, but I will cook us a nice meal at home" - I reckon that should do it.

I significantly out earned my exh. It wasn’t an issue until much later down the line when we’d been married years and has dc. He was unable to budget when times were tough and I started to get resentful about us having a joint account and savings that he would spend on frivolous things we didn’t need.
I felt like I was working harder and harder and get promotion after promotion and he just spent all our money on crap. It’s attitudes to money that need to match not salary.

I think dating is easy if the higher income person is generous and it comes from a genuine place. I.e. Not a convert contract.

Beyond dating and moving to a serious relationship it gets difficult, as lifestyle is very different to dating. From where you live, your weekly shop, holidays, etc...

I personally found it hard and assumed I was going to be perpetually single and dating forever. I eventually met and fell for someone that was a high earner and it's been perfect.

Not saying it can't work. I think it won't be easy to move past dating, which you should at least enjoy anyway 😁

Can we stop with this sexist nonsense about the gender pay gap and woe me as a woman. I'm perfectly capable of earning the same as any man - it's 2021. It would be like me complaining about Asian people out earning white people and how unfair it is. Sorry for the rant and going off topic OP.

Just be honest with him, the biggest thing is don't get into debt to try and keep up.

My dh was a high earner when I met him, but if he wanted to eat out he'd pay, days out he'd pay and I'd get the coffee. I now earn double what he does but all money has always been split equally

@coronaway

Can we stop with this sexist nonsense about the gender pay gap and woe me as a woman. I'm perfectly capable of earning the same as any man - it's 2021. It would be like me complaining about Asian people out earning white people and how unfair it is. Sorry for the rant and going off topic OP.

Good for you.

The gender pay gap still exists though.

Not sure what your comment about 'Asians' have to do with it. There is of course a racial bias which also exists and has an impact on earning too. If that's what you mean?

I think you just need to be honest.
When I met my partner, she earned more than me but was up to her eyes in dept.

I wasn’t particularly well off at the time so initially found it a bit awkward when she wasn’t all too forth coming with paying for stuff as I knew she had a good job but once she explained her situation, we just did cheap stuff and if I particularly wanted to do something out of her reach, I paid. I never minded as knew she was struggling and several years on, she is pretty much in the black and pays for more as she earns a lot more.

Earned double
I became sahm and his salary exponentially increased

Then we divorced

And put it like this… I’m very happy I have a very high earning ex (who’s also very nice!)

Dh and I were at completely different ends of the earning spectrum when we met. I was on the bare bones of my arse and he had his own house, rental properties and his own business.

We agreed that he would pay for our dates, days out, fuel, takeouts and I would contribute what I could- I'd buy coffee but he'd buy dinner, I'd buy snacks for a drive but he'd drive.

It doesn't have to be a serious conversation but if he offers to pay, you can offer to pay for something smaller in return. Usually guys who are high earners are happy to pay and it's not always anti-feminist to therefore expect him to pay.

Just don't think you owe him anything just because he willingly pays.

During the dating stage I don’t it really matters, when I was a broke student my GF was working so she used to pay for most things, as I had no money,
Now I kinda seeing someone, and I’m paying for more as I earn more